Its common I think for parents of adopted children to worry that their child will grow up ostracised from the world or that they’ll be judged harshly for adopting. As a society, it’s an interesting (and often unhealthy) myth we’ve built up around adoption.
The fear of being judged.
This weird idea of judgement and the opinions of others.
I know families where the children don’t resemble either parent and there’s an understandable concern that their child will grow up with the invisible weight of surface-level judgements cast by strangers and those who come into contact with the children.
To me, that seems absurd and short-sighted on the part of anyone who is prepared to cast a judgement, but this is easy for me to say when I don’t walk in those parents or children’s shoes. I think if I had children that looked very different to me, I would be self-conscious as well. I also know I wouldn’t want that to affect my children or our relationship.
Judgement fact or fiction?
Most people just don’t care if you’ve adopted kids or not. I know that’s a lot to try and accept, especially if you are upset by the thought of judgement but hear me out.
You’ll get people who make a surface-level judgement, and they’ll wonder if your child is adopted or whatever. But once they walk past you in the street, the rest of life kicks in. They go back to thinking about bills, their personal lives, or work. That’s just how life is, and those who are going to give you a negative opinion aren’t worth the time of day anyway.
This logic extends a lot to your kids as well. Sure, they might get a weird look from their peers or even someone who’s rude enough to say something, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. They almost need to learn how to shrug it off and accept that a person’s opinion doesn’t matter, because they’ll always face opposition in life from someone no matter what they do – what counts is how you look at it. What matters at the end of the day is the relationship between you and your kids.
Learning to Let Go and Live
Adoption is ultimately for life, and it’s important that you and your children learn to let go of fears about judgement from strangers. Everybody’s entitled to an opinion, sure. However, that doesn’t mean you need to listen.
This process isn’t easy, of course. A lot of people struggle to make their peace with this type of thing and let go of fears and concerns.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words shall never hurt me.
Is the nursery rhyme I leant at school.
Anna was our guest blogger here and we wanted to get the perspective of someone looking at families with differences. When we adopted, we very much felt that everyone was looking, everyone knew we had adopted children. When we went out, that we stood out.
Anna’s piece gives the balance that people might look or even make a comment but in reality, it’s a moment in time. While we would agree it is a moment in time it still difficult riding oneself of the perception and fear that everyone is looking at you, judging you. Especially if your family has obvious differences and people do naturally look and sometimes stare.
Strength. We found that talking with fellow adopters and sharing experiences gave us the confidence to ignore such comments. Strength came from talking and sharing.
Security. We built a secure family unit that created this safe space, where the pressures and events of the outside world could be retreated from.
What really mattered was the love and happiness of our family and the joy and love we could bring each other.
Adoption is a difficult and challenging journey. Self-confidence and conviction are key. Self-confidence to ignore those who stare or comment and conviction that you are doing the right thing for you and your family whatever others might say or judge. Being judged or pitied come with the territory were afraid but don’t let it get you down.
Stay positive and strong and keep talking.
As adopters we sometimes felt like we’d stolen someone else’s children. This is a natural emotion but one you should address.