Adoption. Why do I sometimes feel like I’ve stolen someone else’s children?
In my experience this is a natural emotion, and I would expect every adopter to feel it at some point. I know I certainly did. Adoption is such an instant thing, one minute you don’t have children the next minute you do. It's unrealistic to expect an emotional bond to form immediately, in our experience anyway. The emotional bond does happen but does take time.
As adopters we need to work through bringing children into our families that weren’t born to us. This is a difficult emotional process and one that training doesn’t prepare you for.
The more you come to love and cherish your adopted children the more you will wish you had given birth to them. They become such a part of your life that living without them is inconceivable and you always have the knowledge that you have been through the vetting process and the children you have adopted were at risk of harm or neglect.
The adoption vetting process.
Parents of adopted children go through a rigorous vetting and checking process to be approved adopters. This is to ensure the right people get approved, not perfect, just right.
Parents looking to adopt do so under the assurance that children up for adoption are removed from birth families as a last resort and every effort is made to make the birth family unit work. Unfortunately, despite all this effort, in some cases the child is at risk of harm or neglect through birth parents' actions and the best course of action is removal to the care system.
Is every adopted child at risk of harm or neglect?
The Scottish Forced Adoption Scandal
In March 2023, Scotland's First Minister, then Nicola Sturgeon, issued an apology for Scotland's past practice of forcibly taking tens of thousands of unmarried women's babies for adoption. This was a common practice across many countries, including Australia, Britain, Ireland, New Zealand, and the United States from the 1940s until the 1970s. Sturgeon acknowledged that the practice was unjust and caused significant harm to the affected mothers and their children. This apology raises a critical issue that should be of great concern to families that want to adopt legally.
Scotland's past practice of coercing young, unmarried mothers to give up their babies for adoption was steeped in social etiquette of the time that would be barbaric today. Many of these women were lied to about the adoption process and coerced into signing documents they did not understand. As a result, many of the adopted children grew up with the knowledge that they were not wanted by their biological mothers, which caused them significant psychological trauma.
One of the key findings of the inquiry was the need for greater transparency and accountability in the adoption process. The inquiry recommended that adoption agencies should be required to provide more information about the child's background and the reasons for adoption, as well as allowing greater involvement of the birth family in the process.
The inquiry also highlighted the need for better support services for families and children. Many families who were separated due to forced adoption were not given any support or guidance, which exacerbated the trauma and pain of separation. The inquiry recommended that support services be provided to families, including counseling, financial assistance, and access to legal advice.
A truly shocking, common practice that has created very significant and ongoing mental consequences.
The Baby P Case: A Cautionary Tale
On the other end of the spectrum is the tragic case of 17-month-old British boy Baby P, also known as Peter Connelly, who suffered horrendous abuse and neglect at the hands of his caregivers. Despite numerous visits from social workers, Peter was not removed from his dangerous environment, and he ultimately died as a result of the abuse he suffered.
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/peter-connelly-serious-case-review-reports-published
The Perspective of Adoptive Parents Since
For adoptive parents since both of these horrific events, these revelations are particularly distressing. Adoptive parents enter the adoption process with the understanding that the child they are adopting has been removed from their birth family due to concerns about their safety and well-being. They rely on all the professionals involved in the adoption process to ensure that this is indeed the case.
In light of the forced adoption scandals, adoptive parents may be left grappling with the fear that they may have unwittingly taken part in separating a child from their birth family without just cause. This fear may be baseless in their own case but cases like the forced adoption scandal and baby P do plant seeds of doubt as to the effectiveness of the system.
Explaining adoption to your child.
This fear and doubt can be especially acute when explaining the circumstances of your child's adoption. You want to be confident that the decision to remove the child from their birth family was made in the child's best interest and was correct.
So, have I stolen someone else’s child?
The simple answer is no you haven’t and while this is a natural feeling you can’t let the past and sadly possibly future mistakes in the care and adoption system muddy your mind.
Your job is to look after and provide a stable and warm and loving environment for your child. In our experience you may never know the full circumstances of why your children were removed from birth family, but that uncertainty can’t cloud or prevent you from forming a loving and caring relationship with your children.
Stop feeling doubt and concentrate on the love
Adoption is a huge life changing event for parents and children. It's natural that at some point adoptive parents will feel doubts. They haven’t carried or given birth to the child. They haven't been on that emotional and physical journey of pregnancy but what they have done has been on the emotional and often frustrating and painful journey of approval and matching. You as adoptive parents have earned the right to adopt that child or children. This journey should never be underestimated or undervalued. The key thing is the here and now. The family you are. The warm and caring love you can give that child. Irrespective of the circumstances you owe birth parents that comfort, that the children they gave birth to are being well looked after, cared for, loved and cherished.
Cosychats is intended to be a resource for sharing experience, for others to learn from the experience of those who have been through it. We think this is a good example of where assurance and experience can be beneficial. Where facts and all the answers may not be available but that the children you have in your family now are the most important thing in your life. Cheerish the time you have and the joy you can bring each other. Please don’t second guess the journey.
Adoption throws up many challenges. Adopters need resilience, patience and understanding but in our experience, they also often need guidance and help. Adopted children have different challenges, varied reasons for behaviour that schools and people who have not adopted may find alien. They simply aren’t like other children.
Adopters shouldn’t be afraid of seeking the experience of others. For us this has been invaluable. Not every bit of advice is useful or relevant but learning from the experience of others has been incredibly useful for us.
Never forget, its true you're not their birth parents but you are their parents
Do you also feel that every time you go out with your kids, people are looking because they know your children are adopted and are judging you. We certainly did.
Allowing you to seek the experience of others who have been through this is beneficial but please whatever route you take please keep on talking and communicating.
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