Posted on August 2, 2023

Human emotions are complex. Mental health has a significant impact on our lives. IVF is challenging physically and emotionally.

For lots of people IVF is worth all the risks but there is an emotional toll that can be very damaging and long lasting. It's important to be aware of this and the common emotions that can accompany this procedure.  

None of this would have stopped us trying IVF (several times) but it would have helped us prepare for the mental, as well as physical effects, of the procedure and long term emotional impact and toll.  Especially the first time when we were naive as to the effects.  

People often focus on the positives of IVF, the chance of a baby or babies. This can be a very strong force that drives you on through anything but at some point, that ends, you either have the baby or not. Then all the emotions you put aside will come back and you won’t be driven by the same overwhelming desire.  

It’s a bit like why some people are always ill on holiday. You work hard on the run up to going. Suppressing everything and then you go on holiday, stop, and wouldn’t you believe it, you get ill. By knowing this you can take a mental and physical break before you go on holiday. Same principle applies to IVF. Be aware of the emotions, don’t bottle them up so much and don’t pay the price in the future.  

Being aware and prepared will help you.  

The following is an overview of five of the most common emotions experienced during IVF treatments, along with steps we took when experiencing these feelings at the end.  

Fear  

Understandably, there can be a lot of fear surrounding IVF, especially if you're undertaking the procedure for the first time. For some, it can be the thought of needles and injections (get used to being injected), while others fear the outcome of IVF. What does failure mean for them.  For our experience we only really thought about success. We should have thought about what failure means as well. I think we’d have been better prepared and less fearful having worked through what failure really looks like.  

Many people can feel alone when experiencing fear.  It's important to be honest with yourself and communicate your fears but also to take time to identify and talk through your fears.  It probably doesn’t mean your fear disappears but you’re aware of it. Recognizing it, makes it easier to deal with.  

Grief  

There can be several aspects of IVF that make it emotionally challenging but dealing with a failed round(s) of IVF treatment can be more emotionally challenging than one may first think. Studies in Sweeden have shown men and women still having unresolved feelings of grief 3 years after failed IVF and the reports recommends  

‘The provision of additional individual support during IVF is recommended as men and women experienced childlessness differently.’ 

Symptons of Grief Study  

When IVF fails, from our experience, there is a very real sense of grief which can last years. Same as any other grief.  Self-care is incredibly important during these periods. A failed round of IVF treatments does not make you a failure, and it is vital that you show yourself empathy during these difficult times.  

You should also communicate with your partner. They are likely to be experiencing similar emotions and talking it through helps remind you you’re not alone in this. Although it can often feel like it.  As the report highlights men and women process this grief differently, men communicate less, usually taking on a more supportive role.  

Greif counselling should be undertaken. IVF failures can be very damaging emotionally and you shouldn’t underestimate this effect.  It’s the loss of the child you never had.  The opportunity to have children taken from you. Be realistic with yourself.  You're having IVF because you want children, not having them is tough.  Be prepared for this. Don’t brush your emotions under the carpet. Don’t put them to one side.  Get help dealing with them. We didn’t have grief counselling, but we would have undoubtedly benefitted from it. If it helps you move on with your life and shortens that period of grief then its worth doing.  

Anxiety  

There’s a lot at stake.  The IVF pregnancy roulette table is a difficult one to sit at.  Your mind can be a cruel place at times and anxieties grow.  IVF cannot be rushed, and you’ll have plenty of time to ponder it. Worry whether it will work or not?  What can go wrong, what will go wrong.  Your chances of success.  

There are so many triggers for anxiety.  I remember praying in my mind (I’m not a religious person) that we’d end up with a good number of eggs, then the eggs would fertilise, then they would survive and be useable.  Not being able to sleep or waking up in the middle of the night worried about eggs, I cannot see, have no control over but have a huge impact on my life.  

At the clinics they tell you not to worry.  Don’t stress yourself out as this doesn’t help. So, you try not to worry but you do worry. This makes you stress. Which makes you worry more about stressing and the impact is having. Which makes it all worse. It's easy to get yourself into a state.   

I distinctly remember sitting in the waiting room of our IVF clinic. It was a large room usually full of people, all waiting for the same thing, to have children. The door buzzer would be going every couple of minutes (every time I hear that noise it takes me back to that waiting room). Suddenly a woman came rushing back in, crying hysterically.  She’d been told she had to wait another month before starting IVF again, she sobbed uncontrollably ‘i don’t care about the fucking holiday, the money, none of it’. At that point she was totally raw and exposed to us all, but I thought every person in that room recognised that feeling and thought exactly the same thing.  it could be them sitting there, emotions pouring out in front of strangers. The desire to have children overcomes everything.  The anxiety this causes can be immense. I think we all thought, fuck the holiday, fuck the money, fuck everything, none of it compares to having a child.  

Stress  

Given that fear and grief are prominent during IVF, it should come as no surprise there is stress to contend with. Don’t consider if or when this will happen. Plan that it will happen.  Be realistic, this is not about how good or bad you are at dealing with stress, this is something that will affect you. Being prepared will better help you deal with it.   

Stress anxiety and panic can hit you at any time. Think about the lady sobbing uncontrollably in the waiting room.  This was because she’d been told some bad news she just couldn’t process it and fled the consultation room.  

IVF is long and challenging.  You need to think about how you're going to deal with the high and lows, the challenging moments when your mind and body race.  Our immediate defence in that moment (start before you get the news) is below, it doesn’t always work but it helps.   

• Let your breath flow as deep down into your belly as is comfortable, without forcing it. 
• Try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. 
• Breathe in gently and regularly. Some people find it helpful to count steadily from 1 to 5. You may not be able to reach 5 at first. 

• Then let it flow out gently, counting from 1 to 5 again, if you find this helpful. 
• Keep doing this for at least 5 minutes. 

Deep Breathing  

Relaxation Techniques For Stress Relief 

If your sitting, regulate your heart beat by gently tapping your inside thigh, left to right at a slower pace. This slows your heart which allows you to think, by calming your heart beat. Easing the physical panic mode your body goes into.  

These do work. Try them and make sure you have techniques that work for you. Prepare yourself when going into stressful situations. This will help you regulate yourself but also make better and calmer decisions. Don’t worry about being that lady in the waiting room, if it needs to come out, let it.  You’ll feel better for it.  

Jealousy  

Jealousy can be considered a negative emotion, but you shouldn’t be hard on yourself by envying other parents and families. However, it is essential to deal with jealously positively, especially when experiencing other emotions.  

Firstly, feeling jealous purely means you’re human, and you’re feeling the pain, frustration and envy expected when wanting or dealing with not, being a parent.  

Jealousy is a cruel and painful emotion. Envy of what others have got. Not cars or big houses, but the basic human right of having children, that we should all have but unfortunately life isn’t always fair.  

Jealousy can be like a stabbing pain in your heart and then shame for feeling like that.  Important to focus on not hating other people for what they have. Focus on looking forward, to opportunities that you have.  To the positives in your life.  Recognising jealously is a natural reaction. You are not a bad person for feeling jealous.  Jealously and envy do ease but there’s no magic wand.   

Jealously can be a very sad and deflating emotion. It can leave you feeling very low with a sense of worthlessness. It can evoke deep emotions. It’s important to speak about this and share. Share your emotions, engage with other people.  it's a good idea is to have a plan. To have people prepared to help you.  

How to combat these emotions. 

1. Be aware of these and others.  Learn from people who’ve been through IVF. Be prepared and recognise them when you experience them. Learn strategies, like the breathing techniques, to help you through challenging situations.  

2. Don’t bottle your emotions up. Speak about how you feel and your emotional state. The lady in the waiting room let her emotions out, composed herself and carried on.  A bottle of fizzy drink will eventually explode if you shake the bottle enough. Better to let the fizz out.  

3. Plan for bad news, it will come. Don’t be naive. Even if your successful there will be challenges.  

4. Have people with you on the emotional journey. Have people ready to help you. People who are prepared to support you, when you need it.  

5. Don’t let IVF overtake your life. Do other things to take your life out of the IVF bubble. It’s easy for IVF to take over your life. Don’t live and breathe it.  

6. Relax. Try relaxation techniques and find one that works for you. 

7. Seek help. There are people out there who can help you.  

8. Consider support groups. Make sure they’re right for you. Aren’t too negative and do actually support you.  

9. Learn from people who’ve been through IVF and can share their experience.  

10. Be prepared (and plan) for grief and other counselling.  

11. Be in a good emotional state before you start.  Don’t start IVF if you’re not. You are not giving yourself the best possible chance.  

12. Be realistic with your chances. IVF is not guaranteed. It’s hard and draining with after affects. Your chances of success may be low. Sometimes the better decision is not to do it and focus on something else.  

We hope our experience has helped you. Given you more understanding and better prepares you for IVF. Please share with others who may need it.  

We wish you all the best and very much hope you find contentment. Whether that be through successful IVF or something else.  

Kind regards.