A Guide for Parents: What to Do If Your Child Is Bullying Someone
Discovering that your child is being bullied is every parent’s nightmare. It’s the news that you do not want to receive. A flood of emotions will follow, anger, confusion, worry and wanting to protect them. Unfortunately recent statistics reveal that about 35% of ten to fifteen year olds are bullied in person and about 20% are bullied online. Prevalence of Bullying
Imagine then how finding out that your child is the one doing the bullying
This feels like a punch to the gut. As a parent, your instinct might be to leap into action—perhaps with a stern lecture, a swift punishment, or even a wave of panic about what this says about your parenting.
Your child is not the victim but a part of a problem.
But before you react, take a deep breath. This moment isn’t just about stopping the behaviour; it’s also about understanding why it’s happening and helping your child grow through it.
Here’s a calm, practical guide for parents navigating this tricky situation without overreacting, while seeking to uncover the reasons behind it as it can be more complicated than many realise.
Step 1: Pause and Process
First things first—don’t rush to judgment. Hearing that your child has been unkind, whether it’s name-calling in the playground, excluding someone at school, or sending mean messages online, can stir up a mix of emotions: shock, guilt, even defensiveness. That’s normal. But reacting in the heat of the moment risks escalating things or shutting down any chance to understand what’s going on. Give yourself a bit of time to process the news—maybe over a cuppa—before you sit down with your child.
Step 2: Talk, Don’t Accuse
When you’re ready, approach your child with curiosity rather than confrontation. Instead of starting with, “How could you do this?” try something gentler like, “I heard something happened at school today—can you tell me about it?” The goal is to get them talking, not clamming up. Kids often bully for reasons they don’t fully grasp themselves—stress, insecurity, or even pressure from mates. Sometimes they might not realise how their behaviour affects other people. By listening first, you create space for them to share their side without feeling attacked.
Step 3: Dig Into the Why
Bullying doesn’t always mean your child is a “bad kid.” Sometimes it’s a clumsy cry for help or a way to fit in. Ask yourself (and them) some questions: Are they struggling with something at school—like tricky friendships or tough schoolwork? Have there been changes at home—a new sibling, a move, or a row between parents—that might be weighing on them? Maybe they’re copying what they’ve seen on telly or online. Sometimes a feeling of a lack of control and decision making can lead to bullying behaviour or they could be being bullied themselves and be just part of a chain. Understanding the root cause doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it helps you address it properly.
Step 4: Set Clear Expectations and Encourage Empathy—Calmly
Once you’ve heard them out, make it clear that bullying isn’t acceptable. You might say, “I know you might not have meant to hurt anyone, but what you did made someone feel rubbish, and that’s not okay.” Keep your tone firm but kind—no shouting needed. Ask them what they think bullying is, and how they would feel if it was happening to them.
Explain that everyone deserves to feel safe and respected, whether it’s at school, on the bus, or online. This isn’t about shaming them; it’s about showing them a better way.
Encourage empathy by encouraging them to see bullying from a victims perspective. If it helps, watch a show or film about bullying or read a book together. Look into famous people that have been through it and how it affected them.
Step 5: Work on Solutions Together
Punishing your child might feel satisfying at the moment—grounding them or taking away their Xbox—but it doesn’t always teach them how to fix things. Instead, involve them in making it right.
Could they apologise to the other child, maybe with a note or a chat (if the other child’s up for it)? Would they do something kind to rebuild and repair trust? If they’re old enough, ask them what they think they should do? This helps them take responsibility and learn empathy, rather than just feeling nagged.
By building empathy and consideration for the other child, they should learn how to respect others.
The long term goal is to repair the relationships damaged by bullying.
Another good approach, if feasible, is to reach out to the bullied child’s parents to let them know you are aware and handling the situation. If there are external issues causing the bullying, do what you can to address them.
Gradually introduce to them the truth that they responsible for their actions.
Things do not just happen, and they always have a choice in what to do. Making bad choices will have bad consequences, but also good ones, have more desirable outcomes for them and everyone else. This should lead to the maturity to be more responsible.
If they are engaged in bullying online and looking at toxic material.
Then it is important to talk with them about what toxicity is and the effects it has on other people. The blog on CosyChats about the hit TV show Adolescence is recommended for this. Link to further great Blogs below.
Overview and manage their Internet usage.
Avoid being overly restrictive may just cause more tension and distance. When they understand what healthy relationships are and why what they choose to engage with on the Intenet is essential, you shouldn’t need to monitor as intensively.
If you feel the bullying stems from your child’s powerless frustrations, give them more say in day to day life.
Another positive outlet can be sports clubs like football and boxing or any organisation with a positive message, such as scouting.
Here, your child can outlet aggression and learn better ways to communicate and even manage people. Hopefully they feel like they are being a normal member of society and not ostracized.
Step 6: Check In With School
Schools in the UK take bullying seriously, and they’ll likely have policies in place. Pop a call or email to your child’s teacher or head of year to get the full picture—what happened, how often, and what’s being done. Work with them to support your child, whether that’s through a chat with a pastoral care team or a plan to keep an eye on things. It’s not about getting your child in trouble; it’s about teamwork. The school should have resources to help you or know where to find them.
Step 7: Look at the Bigger Picture
Sometimes bullying is a one-off, but if it’s a pattern, it might be worth a deeper look. Is your child bottling up feelings they don’t know how to express? Are they hanging out with a crowd that eggs them on? If you’re worried, organisations like YoungMinds or NSPCC offer brilliant resources and helplines for parents .Also consider child or family counselling. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.
Step 8: Be Their Role Model
Kids pick up more from what we do than what we say. Show them how to handle conflict or frustration with patience—whether it’s how you talk to the neighbour who parks across your drive or how you treat the cashier at Tesco. If they see you being kind and steady, they’re more likely to follow suit.
Final Thoughts
Finding out your child is bullying someone isn’t a sign you’ve failed as a parent—it’s a chance to guide them through a tough lesson. Stay calm, listen, and focus on understanding why it’s happening rather than just slamming the brakes on. With time, patience, and a bit of teamwork, you can help your child turn things around and come out of this stronger. If you want more tailored help and support with this feel free to contact us at CosyChats.
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Andrew (Drew) is an advocate for parenting and being a stay at home parent.
Drew is an avid writer of blogs to share his parenting and family experience to help other parents.
He is committed to helping other parents and letting them know they are not alone even though it might feel like it.
Drew is available on CosyChats.com