The dread of Sunday night and Monday morning. The thought of another week getting them to school.
Feeling emotionally drained by 9:30am. Sound familiar? Try to win the war, not just the daily battle.
Do;
Care. If you don’t care they won’t. Show your children you care about their school life and schoolwork. This is especially true of younger children who tend to be excited about whatever you’re excited about. Enjoy this while you can.
Be available to help and answer questions. Let them know you are there to help and support them. Especially with teenagers. Give them space.
Talk. Talk to them about their day. Don’t probe or hold an interrogation. The daily catch up. A conversation is always better than an interrogation.
Understand what they’re feeling, what they’re going through. This isn’t 20 questions, its going at their pace giving them the opportunity to share and understanding your child. Don’t pressurise your child, this is just going to add to their worries and create conflict and damage your relationship. Don’t be part of the problem.
Help and try to make, homework more interesting and fun. Don’t pretend you know everything (this wasn’t a problem for us!!). Learn, be confused, solve, together.
Get help. We found siblings helping with homework was far more effective than we were, and often understood it better than we did. Older children can be good tutors, and money well spent.
Be positive, reward, praise. Praise, Hugs Kisses. Praise trying as well as success. Effort is more important than success. Success follows effort.
Be realistic. Our son can’t concentrate for longer than a few minutes on things he doesn’t like. Despite what we do. We take homework in small slots. We don’t push him for too long, it creates frustration on both side, tears and anger and failure. We reward hard work and encourage him to push himself but within the boundary of respecting and working with his concentration span.
Homework should be tolerable and as interesting and rewarding as you can make it. For each slot we reward in some way, can be as simple as a high five.
Make sure you and the school are working together. Have an open and current dialogue with school. . Feedback home life to school. Make sure the school understand and accommodate your child’s needs. Don’t be afraid to share tips that work for you. Our son responds better to visual prompts than verbal instructions. We’ve explained this to teachers, so they understand he’s not just being naughty or just not listening. Teachers need to understand and accommodate your child. Sadly, in our experience this is an ongoing effort and discussion.
Reward good work at school, in the home.
ADHD Expect the same from your school. Set the expectation that you’re a parent that appreciates working with the school for the shared aim of benefitting your child.
With Teenagers and beyond, talk in a positive way, about long term goals. What they enjoy, what they want to do. What they need to achieve. Be practical, encourage, aim for the stars.
Keep tabs on your own feelings. If you’re getting very frustrated or angry about your child’s school performance don’t bring it into your relationship with your child. Tackle this separately. Manage your behaviour, stay positive and respectful of your child’s abilities. Don’t create unnecessary tension and anguish.
If you feeling yourself getting angry or frustrated with your kids, take a step back and breathe, think. Put your children into context. If you expect perfection from your children when school is just another thing they struggle with, you’ll drive yourself crazy. Don’t expect them to be somewhere not, help them reach their potential.
Written by parents of three adopted children, with varying abilities and many challenges, that make them unique and deeply loved.
Take care and never be afraid to reach out. Every day is a challenge but also a new day.
www.cosychats.com is built to enable others to share their experience.
Let’s face it children will push your buttons and drive you up the wall. Our ones certainly do. What’s important is that you have ways of dealing with this stress.
NHS England detail 10 Stress Busters, we’ve overlaid our experience to these.
Be active
‘Exercise won’t make your stress disappear, but it can reduce some of the emotional intensity that you’re feeling, clearing your thoughts and letting you deal with your problems more calmly.’
This helps. Walking each day allows us the opportunity to think and put things in place. Being active helps us sleep better and get off to sleep easier.
We find the benefit of being active is not the rushing about chasing children, it’s the more ‘calming’ activity that regulates our mind, allows us to think and work our way through problems and recent events. We’ve never tried yoga, but people rave about it.
Take control
‘If you think you cannot do anything about your problem, your stress can get worse.’
Feeling you’re not in control creates stress but often it doesn’t feel like were in control.
Even in the chaos of family house you need to feel in control. You need to exert authority. We found, pick your battles, don’t sweat the small stuff. Do have rules but a house isn’t a prison. Balance the rules with fun things but have punishments and stick to them. You are in control.
Feeling you’re in control will help and when you’re not, accepting this will help also. Control isn’t calm and quiet all the time. It is accepting its ok to have a bit of chaos and fun but overall, you’re still in control.
We found if things are getting too crazy then get them all out to a park, wind rain whatever get them out. When they come back, they should be calmer.
Connect with people
‘A good support network of colleagues, friends and family can ease your work troubles and help you see things in a different way.’
It’s easy to isolate yourself and feel more and more alone. That no one understands your situation. Make sure you connect with other parents, talk to people. Join on line and local groups.
Really think about who you’re talking to. Talking to someone too negative and who just unloads their problems onto you probably isn’t going to help. Try to have more positive and supportive people round you.
Take a look at the people you talk to. Maybe some new friends and people you can talk to would help.
Maybe having someone outside your friendship group will also help. Click here to browse CosyChats Service Providers.
Have some “me time”
‘Many of us work long hours, meaning we often don’t spend enough time doing things we really enjoy.’
Parenting is more than a traditional job, the hours are long, pays rubbish and the rewards can be distant. Therefore, me time is very important. So many parents prioritize children over their own needs but by doing this they neglect themselves. This doesn’t help you or help your children.
You need to have a break, do something different, something you enjoy. If you don’t have time, it’s vital you make time. Being busy is not an excuse.
Ideally go out do something different. Come out of your day to day family life bubble.
Me time can be as simple as reading a magazine with a coffee in the park of your local café. Having a long bath. Taking time out to do what you want. Here the house rules apply. You need to have a break, if this means rules to enforce it then do it. Whatever it takes, have a break. Worst case sitting on the loo, with the door locked, hiding from your children. It all helps.
Try, looking at the picture above, imagine being laid out next to the water, as the sun gently goes down. You’ve got that relaxed end of day warm feeling washing over you. Irrespective of your actual day visualise this scene with you relaxing and soaking up the final hours of sunshine. Feel calmer and better for the day. In our minds we’ve visited this beach many times. It’s amazing how a simple image can bring refreshment to your day. Don’t go too often though as it gets familiar, just save it for when you really need to escape.
Feel free to change the beach for whatever image brings you calm.
Challenge yourself
‘Setting yourself goals and challenges, whether at work or outside, such as learning a new language or a new sport, can help build confidence. This may help you deal with stress.’
We interpretated this one to don’t feel a failure. You may feel your life is challenging enough. You may not have time to learn a new; language, instrument, skill (we certainly don’t).
We found the trick is to recognise the challenges you meet each day. Getting children to school for instance. Recognise the success you achieve each day, then build on this. if you need a mental challenge then crosswords, word games or sudoku or the like are great. Make you sure you have free time to do them. The advantage being you can put them down and come back, there’s no rush.
It’s good to do something different and challenge yourself but be realistic and mindful of over burdening yourself. Whatever you do make sure it brings you peace and serenity and don’t feel inferior or a failure because you’re not learning mandarin as well as bringing up children.
Avoid unhealthy habits
‘Don’t rely on alcohol, smoking and caffeine as your ways of coping.’
This is a really easy one to fall into. A quick fix that seems harmless and you’re in control.
Think of the child who asks for something and for an easy life at that moment you say yes. Eventually you have a child who’s used to getting their own way, having tantrums when they don’t get their own way and not listening. Each time your say yes you re-enforce their behaviour. Unhealthy habits seem a good idea at the time, but you can lose control longer term, and this just adds more to your stress and desire to medicate with unhealthy habits.
Record your unhealthy habits. When you drink smoke etc and how much. Look for other solutions. Using techniques to deal with stress. Addressing the reasons and triggers for why you resort to unhealthy habits.
Show your children a good example.
Help other people
‘Evidence shows that people who help others, through activities such as volunteering or community work, often become more resilient.’
Giving is good. Taking part in charity events can make you feel better about yourself. My daughter helped pick up litter at the beach on a day trip. Which was amazing and encouraged us all to do it. It felt good. Now I try to pick up a piece of litter every day and re-enforce what she started. Small gestures can result in great things.
Work smarter, not harder
‘Working smarter means prioritising your work, concentrating on the tasks that’ll make a real difference.’
Often people associate this to a business career, but it absolutely applies to a career bringing up children. Swap the ox for a child and the food for treats.
Concentrate on important things and accept that you can’t do everything. Involve children. For instance, make washing and drying up something they can help with. You want my attention then help me. Washing up can be fun.
Plan your day, what you’re going to do. Add in breaks. If it doesn’t all go to plan don’t be too hard on yourself, plans often don’t go to plan but next time you can adjust it. At the end of the day see what you’ve achieved and feel good about yourself.
Concentrate on wins. What can you achieve. Keeping rooms tidy may not be the best use of your time. Something may have to slide. Resolving that annoying thing will give your more satisfaction than tidying a room that gets messed up pretty quickly. Don’t live in a pigsty but you might have to accept untidiness.
Try to be positive
‘Look for the positives in life, and things for which you’re grateful.’
Look for the positives in life, and things for which you’re grateful.
Try writing down 3 things that went well, or for which you’re grateful, at the end of every day.
It’s very easy to get caught up in negatives. You may have friends who are more negative than positive. This will have an impact on you. You absolutely must find positives in your day. If you’ve had the day from hell, be realistic and think about the next day and what you can gain from it. First positive is that it can’t be worse than today.
Being positive helps. Practice smiling. Watch something funny. Try not to concentrate on the news. You need positivity in your life.
Accept the things you can’t change
Changing a difficult situation isn’t always possible. Try to concentrate on the things you do have control over.
Changing a difficult situation isn’t always possible. Try to concentrate on the things you do have control over.
It’s a bit like the chaos point. You can’t control everything. So, some things you have to accept. Once you accept them, they become less of an issue. Schools aren’t perfect and one size doesn’t fit all. You can’t change the whole schooling model and system. You have to work around/with it or consider alternatives. Spending a lot of time trying to change things may not be the best use of your time, even though you’re probably right.
Please share your tips and thoughts. We’d love to hear from you.
Spending quality time with your children can be difficult. Their world and what they like, probably isn’t the same as your world and what you like. You need to come out of your comfort zone and not expect them to like the things you like.
1.Make silly videos.
This is a wonderful way of being creative and silly and it embraces your children’s favourite thing, technology.
You can make videos anywhere but try and combine it with getting out (more things to video). Your making silly videos, not just watching them, so you have to be involved. Adding filters and animation. Be prepared to look silly and not worry too much about the results. This is a great way of interacting with your children and not being the same parent, you are 9 to 5.
Rabbit ear filters are compulsory. Have some real fun.
Benefits. Creating great memories with your children.
Benefits. Being fun parents and not boring parents.
Creates great memories and films of memories. Just need to set rules around social media and sharing.
2. Mimic/be an influencer
Pick their favourite influencer or you tube star, and all have ago at copying them. Prize for the best one. This is serious stuff. You children will adore these characters so don’t mock them. Who wins will be important so make sure your fair.
Benefits. Confidence building, presenting skills and may be a future career.
3. Practice being an influencer / You tube star.
This is the chance for you and your children to shine. Give yourselves a bit of time to plan and prepare what you going to say and do. Film it and watch it back. This can be great fun. Pick any topic or subject.
Benefits. Confidence building, presenting skills and may be a future career.
Benefit. It can be a window into your child’s mind and thoughts. Listening to your children, you might be surprised what topic they pick.
Benefit. A great opportunity to talk.
4. Watch them play a game, let them explain it to you. Play their game.
All too often children play on their games and adults don’t get involved. Children shut themselves away on the game and parents are locked out.
Sit with your children as they play the game. Let them explain it to you. Watch and praise them. If you’re lucky they’ll offer you a go. If they do play it. If they don’t, don’t worry too much but say it looks fun. They’ll get the hint eventually. Play the game, even if your rubbish at it and hate it. Stick with it, you don’t have to be good at it.
Benefits. It may not feel like traditional play with your child, but you’re playing with your child at something they love.
Benefits. You’re with your child
5. Family Olympics
With all that sitting this is a great way of getting them moving. It’s amazing what fun can be had with a stopwatch.
This can be as simple as running to a tree and back and timing it. Trying to beat times. Racing each other. Orf a bit more organised with planned games. Long jump. High Jump.
Being competitive drives children but be prepared for the tears. It’s all part of it were afraid. We found trying to beat their own time worked well but our children love it if we get involved.
Create an assault course, of star jumps, saying a silly phrase, head shoulders knees and toes. You don’t need lots of props just a bit of imagination.
For older children it may be a bit harder to get them involved but a quick challenge of who’s the fastest or race you to the… may spark them into life.
Benefits. Exercise and learning to compete, win and lose.
Benefits. Can have prizegiving and make it fun.
Benefits. Outside or in doors. Can you star jumps Head shoulders knees and toes on the spot.
6. Board Games
Technology is great but board games are a brilliant way of spending time with your children. Make time to play games together and 1 2 1.
A simple way is to start a game and let them watch and then come and play, don’t force it. There are so many games that are beneficial.
Darts for instance is fantastic way of improving maths.
Games involve strategy, planning and sometimes cunning. Makes the games age appropriate and experiment.
Charity shops are full of games.
Benefits. Real life interaction. Improving, my son through practice and lots of laughter, can regularly beat me at connect 4.
Benefits. Learning to lose. Learning what they like and what other activities games to play.
Do
Make the most from these experiences, and all your experiences with your children. Make the most of being with your children.
Talk to your children. Find out what they love doing. Let them choose an activity.
Document what you do. Happy smiling pictures of fun things look great on your living room wall. Keep those memories alive and don’t forget them when things are not going as well and your relationship maybe more strained. You should value time together.
Spend time with your children doing what they want to do.
Allocate time every day to play with your children.
Parents, this is very important. We need your buy in. We know its very hard……..to leave your phone alone and step away.
Yes, we’re serious. Please take a minute, relax and deep breaths.
I promise now, at the end of this article, to turn off my technology and go and interact with my children.
Signed: You
Technology is great in so many ways but when it rules you then it’s not so great, is it? Take a moment and think about technology v your children. Which do you value most? Most people will say their children but then ask yourself, which do you spend most time with?
Be honest, its technology, isn’t it?
You’re not alone. Look around and you’ll see parents across the world engaging with technology and not their children. We all do it, you’re not alone but let’s make a conscious effort to break the cycle.
Make a note to come off technology for an hour and engage with your children.
You don’t have to spend money just quality time.
Playing together, enjoying time together. Having fun.
You may not find this easy but it is rewarding to you and your family.
Learn to reconnect with your children, be silly, laugh scream shout and embarrass yourself.
Rediscover what a great game hide and seek is.
For Teenage children its going to be more challenging. Entering their world is bemusing at best but try you must.
This can feel more than a little daunting and the last thing you want to do but try you must.
Their technology can be a great way in. Remember this is about you coming off your phone and engaging with your children. Ideally yes you all have a break but this may just create arguments, better to engage on their terms.
How we’ve used technology to interact with our children. Done;
Watched endless, pointless videos of children opening presents, watching children, watching videos of opening presents (what is the attraction here??).
Played a game I didn’t understand, couldn’t operate properly and achieved a (children laughing loudly) beyond embarrassing status (apparently).
Felt completely out of my depth.
Made a skin, that I thought looked pretty fire (good) but was actually sh!t
Felt I would rather be (insert) than doing this.
But, afterwards it felt like we had connected and engaged. I’d done (terribly) something they like. I’d made them laugh and smile. It felt good. I’m never going to be a gamer but that is not the point.
Its worth the effort. Make time and please try not to be that parent that values reading social media updates more than their child’s attention. You may think you don’t do that but watch your behaviour. Think of it another way and allocate 30 minutes in your day to look at your phone, the rest is yours and your families.
Ok so we are at the end of the article.
By reading this article you accepted the terms and conditions of a binding contract.
You must, turn off your technology, seek out your children and engage, play, laugh, cry, interact, have fun, be human, tune in, tune out. Leave your comfort zone. Forget about social media updates. Concentrate and listen to your children.
This shouldn’t be a one off. Make this a regular part of your life.
You and your family will be all be better for it.
Once you’ve done this we’d love to hear from you. contact@cosychats.com and share your story.
In today’s world, social media and technology is a significant part of our lives. From scrolling through our newsfeeds to posting updates about our daily lives, we’re constantly connected to the virtual world. But what about our kids? As parents, it’s crucial to strike a balance between screen time and real-life interactions. Technology addiction is a real threat and were in danger of technology becoming a babysitter and parent to our children, while we’re glued to our phones.
The pros and cons of social media for kids
Here are some recent statistics from Pew Research org to ponder on:
In regard to social media,
Nearly half of parents are extremally worried about their children being exposed to explicit content (46%), wasting too much time (42%) or being distracted from homework (38%).
A third of parents are extremally worried about their children; sharing too much personal information (34%), feeling pressurised to act in a certain way (32%), being harassed (29%), experiencing problem’s with anxiety or depression (28%) and experiencing low self esteem (27%).
If you don’t share these concerns you need to ask yourself why don’t I?
‘The father of a 14-year-old who took her own life has told her inquest he was shocked that such “dark, graphic, harmful material” was readily available to be seen by children online.’ Ian Russell
Social media can be a double-edged sword for kids. On the one hand, it allows them to connect with friends and family, share their interests, and explore new ideas. On the other hand, it can expose them to cyberbullying, inappropriate content online predators and addiction. As parents, it’s essential to understand the pros and cons of social media and technology and how it impacts all our children.
One of the benefits of social media is that it can help kids develop their social skills. By interacting with others online, they can learn how to communicate effectively, express themselves, and build friendships. Social media can also be a great source of inspiration and creativity. For example, platforms like YouTube and Instagram can encourage kids to explore their interests, discover new hobbies, and express their unique perspectives.
However, social media also has its drawbacks. Cyberbullying is a prevalent issue that can have long-term effects on kids’ mental health. Inappropriate content, such as violence or sexual content, can also be easily accessible on social media. Additionally, social media can lead to social comparison and FOMO (fear of missing out), which can harm kids’ self-esteem and sense of belonging. Therefore, it’s crucial to set boundaries and teach our kids how to use social media safely and responsibly.
Setting boundaries: Tips for managing screen time
One of the most effective ways to balance screen time and real-life interactions is to set boundaries. By establishing clear rules and expectations, we can help our kids develop healthy habits around technology. Here are some tips for managing screen time:
Create a family media plan: A family media plan is a written agreement that outlines how much screen time is allowed each day, what types of media are acceptable, and when and where devices can be used. By involving your kids in the process, you can help them feel more invested in the plan and more likely to follow it. Use the parent functions in devices to set limits, it’s much easier than you taking devices off your children.
Encourage offline activities: Encourage your kids to participate in offline activities, such as sports, arts, or social events. This will help them develop a balance between screen time and real-life interactions and foster their creativity and social skills.
Set device-free zones: Designate certain areas in your home where devices are not allowed, such as the dinner table or bedrooms. This will help your kids develop healthy boundaries around technology and encourage them to engage in real-life conversations and activities.
Be a Positive Role Model: As a parent, it’s essential to be a positive role model for your child when it comes to social media usage. Lead by example and practice healthy social media habits yourself. Avoid oversharing personal information and be mindful of the content you post online.
Be strong, remember, the key to setting boundaries is to be consistent and firm. By sticking to the rules, you set, you can help your kids develop healthy habits around technology and foster their overall well-being.
Teaching digital citizenship and online safety
Another critical aspect of parenting in the age of social media is teaching our kids about digital citizenship and online safety. By equipping them with the skills and knowledge they need to navigate the digital world, we can help them stay safe and responsible online. Here are some tips for teaching digital citizenship and online safety:
Talk about online privacy: Teach your kids about the importance of protecting their personal information online, such as their name, address, and phone number. Encourage them to use nicknames and not to share personal information and passwords.
The window tests. Children need to understand comments, pictures, posts etc that are shared online are stored online. A good rule is if you’re not comfortable putting it on a piece of paper and pasting to your window it shouldn’t be shared online.
Be wary of who you speak to. We have a rule of only communicating with people you know. We relate it back into the real world where you wouldn’t speak to a stranger. It becomes a little blurred in games where there’s in play interaction, but we’ve spoken about the difference with talking about a game and having a personal conversation. We found that if we set rules our children would discuss various points and scenarios with us so we could talk it through and think about what we should and shouldn’t say. Not wanting to scare them but having them aware enough to identify risks and triggers. Keeping the lines of communication open is key.
Cyberbullying is a prevalent issue that can have severe consequences for kids’ mental health. Talk to your kids about what cyberbullying is. Make it clear what the rules are, so they don’t inadvertently fall into it. What the signs are and if they recognise it what they should do. Whether its bullying they suffer or witness.
By teaching digital citizenship and online safety, we can help our kids develop critical thinking skills and make informed decisions about their online activities. Technology is not going away and so we need to educate its use.
Navigating FOMO (fear of missing out) and social comparison
One of the challenges of social media is that it can lead to FOMO (fear of missing out) and social comparison. Kids may feel pressure to keep up with their peers’ activities or feel inadequate compared to others’ achievements. As parents, it’s essential to help our kids navigate these challenges and develop a healthy self-image. Here are some tips for navigating FOMO and social comparison:
Encourage gratitude: Help your kids focus on what they have rather than what they lack. Discuss the things they have that we all should be grateful for.
Foster real-life connections: Encourage your kids to spend time with friends and family in real life. This will help them develop real life relationships that give them a sense of belonging and existence. Sounds idyllic but as any parent of a teen or near teen knows, even communicating with them can be challenging. Learn how to connect with your teenager.
Teach media literacy: Teach your kids how to critically evaluate media messages and advertisements. Help them understand that social media often presents an idealized version of reality and that it’s essential to look beyond the surface to see the whole picture.
Understand body image and imperfections. Educate them to accept imperfections in themselves and others. Life is not an airbrushed image or perfect life story.
By navigating FOMO and social comparison, we can help our kids develop a healthy sense of self-worth and build resilience against the pressures and apparent perfections of social media.
Building healthy relationships with social media
Social media can be a valuable tool for building connections and sharing experiences. However, it’s crucial to use it in moderation and maintain a healthy relationship with it. Here are some tips for building a healthy relationship with social media:
Use social media intentionally: To use social media with intention, such as to connect with friends or share their interests. Avoid mindless scrolling or using social media as a way to escape real-life problems.
Monitor your emotions: Pay attention to how your family feels and reacts when using social media. If you notice feelings of anxiety, stress, or jealousy, suggest taking a break from social media or limiting their usage. As parents look at each other, it can be quite frightening.
Find positive role models: Find positive role models on social media, such as influencers or creators who promote healthy habits and positive self-image.
Set a good example. There’s no point saying one thing and doing another. Set a good example, practice sensible and safe technology use and lead by example. Follow your own device free zones, for instance at mealtimes.
As parents, it’s essential to encourage your family to engage in real-life experiences and activities. By doing so, we can help them develop a well-rounded perspective and foster their creativity and social skills. Here are some tips for encouraging real-life experiences:
Plan regular family activities, such as game nights, outdoor adventures, or volunteer work. This will help your kids develop a sense of belonging and strengthen your family bonds. Let your children choose and go with it, even if you hate it, it’s what interests them and will engage them.
Encourage hobbies and interests: Hobbies can be great for encouraging creativity, passion and building self-confidence. Try new things and join clubs. The duke of Edinburgh Scheme and Scouts are two good examples. Learning an instrument another.
Promote physical activity: Ideally sports but exercise generally is good. This helps maintain a healthy lifestyle and foster overall well-being.
Again, you need to lead by example, even if that just getting everyone out for a walk, which is a great way of connecting with nature and talking to your children. Real-life experiences are vital to development of a sense of purpose and fulfilment beyond the screen.
The role of parental monitoring software
Parental monitoring software can be a helpful tool for managing your kids’ screen time and online activities. However, it’s essential to use it in conjunction with other strategies and to respect your kids’ privacy and autonomy. Here are some tips for using parental monitoring software effectively:
Set clear expectations: Discuss with your kids why you’re using parental monitoring software and what you hope to achieve. Set clear expectations for how the software will be used and the consequences for breaking the rules.
Respect their privacy: Avoid using parental monitoring software as a way to spy on your kids or invade their privacy. Instead, use it as a tool for open communication and transparency.
Combine with other strategies: Parental monitoring software is just one tool in your parenting toolbox. Combine it with other strategies, such as setting boundaries and teaching digital citizenship, to help your kids develop healthy habits around technology.
Stay informed and keep up to date.
Easier said than done when your children understand far more about technology than you do, and new trends seem to come and go in the beat of a heart.
Ask your children.
One tip we took was to ask our children to explain it to us, which they were surprisingly eager to do. Be interested in their life online and we found they were happy to share. Which was a far easier way in than checking their phones.
Parenting in the age of social media and technology can be very challenging and concerning but also very hidden. The desperately sad case of Molly Russell shows us the harm and darkness that can await our children on line, far from our view and control.
This can be terrifying but its important to remember the positives technology and social media bring.
Each parent must make their own decision on what’s right for them and their children. It’s an opportunity to embrace technology while maintaining and prioritising our children’s well-being and real-life connections.
By setting boundaries, teaching digital citizenship, and encouraging real-life experiences, we can help develop healthy habits around technology and foster their overall well-being.
The key we think is to find a balance between screen time and real-life interactions. Technology is not disappearing and will become relevant to our lives. Make sure you do things together, interact and communicate. Take an interest in their interests and if you have any concerns discuss them and if appropriate involve your children. Make sure you keep your relationship with your children.
Divorce is a difficult and emotional process that can have a significant impact on both parents and their children. As someone who has gone through a divorce and has come out the other side, I can say that being a good parent during and after a divorce is one of the most important things you can do for your children.
Embrace the change. One of the first things to remember when going through a divorce is to embrace change. When my ex-wife and I first decided to separate, I was filled with a mix of emotions. I was scared, sad, and overwhelmed by the changes that were coming. However, as time went on, I realised that I had to embrace the change and make the most of the situation. It was not easy, but I found that being positive and staying focused on my children’s well-being helped me to adjust to the changes more quickly.
Prioritise your children’s needs over your feelings.
Another important aspect of being a good parent after a divorce is to prioritise your children’s needs over your feelings. This also means putting aside any negative feelings towards your ex-spouse and working together to make decisions that are in the best interest of your children. To be honest, this is not always easy. It can be challenging to put aside personal feelings and work towards a common goal. However, for me I found that focusing on my children’s well-being helped me to stay motivated and focused on what is important. The children, then yourself.
Co Parenting Plan
One of the ways to prioritise your children’s needs is to establish a co-parenting plan. This means creating a plan that works for both parents and their children. That helps to reduce conflict and promote consistency. When my ex-wife and I first started co-parenting, it was challenging to find a system that worked for both of us. However, we were both committed to putting our children first, and we were able to find a plan that worked well for us.
Effective Communication
Effective communication is also essential for any successful co-parenting relationship. This means communicating in a positive and constructive way, avoiding blame and criticism, and listening actively to your children’s feelings and concerns. It is important to remember that your children are going through a lot of changes during and after a divorce, and they need your support and understanding. I have found that by being patient and empathetic, I am able to better understand my children’s needs and help them through this challenging time.
Do not forget yourself It’s also important to take care of yourself as a parent after a divorce. This means prioritising your own well-being, seeking support from friends and family, and engaging in self-care activities. When my ex-wife and I first separated, I was so focused on my children that I neglected my own needs. However, I quickly realised that taking care of myself was essential to being a good parent. By making time for self-care, I was able to reduce stress and anxiety, and be more present and engaged with my children. I made sure I got up, showered, dressed, and went out every day. Sounds easy, sometimes it is not but you have to force yourself and get into a daily Rythm.
External Support
Friends and family can be great, but it is also helpful to seek out external resources and support during and after a divorce. There are many organisations that offer support and guidance for parents going through a divorce, such as counselling services and support groups. It can be helpful to talk to other parents who have gone through a similar experience and learn from their experiences.
People who do not know you, do not have the baggage of you as part of a couple, and do not have vested interests, opinions or hidden (or not) agendas. It is good to be able to talk to someone else without having to explain and justify yourself.
Co-Parenting
One of the challenges of co-parenting after a divorce is dealing with the different parenting styles and expectations of both parents. It is important to find a balance and compromise that works for both parents and their children. This means being flexible and open to different ideas and approaches to parenting. I have found that by being willing to compromise and work together, my ex-wife and I have been able to create a stable and consistent environment for our children.
The Ex Another important aspect of being a good parent after a divorce is to maintain a positive relationship with your ex-spouse. This means avoiding negative comments or behaviours that can impact your children’s well-being. It can be tempting to bad-mouth your ex, especially if there were issues that led to the divorce, but it is important to keep those negative feelings to yourself. Remember, your children still love and care about both of their parents, and negative comments can be hurtful and confusing for them. Children aren’t divorce weapons
Divorce is hard, it’s a painful and potentially damaging experience. It’s difficult to deal with as an adult, for a child it can be (and is) life changing. You must work with your ex. However bad it gets you must put your children above your own feelings. Your ex is their other parent. Your children will remember your actions for the rest of your life and being toxic about your ex achieves nothing good.
Let your children experience and grow up remembering a difficult time but one they got through and adapted to. One that reinforced what good parents you are. When they are older and better equipped to deal with, they may ask questions, or you choose to explain. That’s the time to share the experience.
Boundaries
In addition to maintaining a positive relationship with your ex-spouse, it is also important to establish boundaries and respect each other’s space. This means being clear about your expectations and needs and respecting your ex-spouse’s boundaries as well. It is important to remember that you are both still parents and working together to provide a stable and consistent environment for your children is the goal.
Control your emotions and don’t blame your children.
It’s important to be patient and understanding with your children during and after a divorce. They will be experiencing a wide range of emotions, from sadness, anger to confusion and anxiety. It is important to listen to their feelings and concerns and provide them with the support and lots of love they need to navigate this difficult time.
Be consistent and predictable in your parenting, and to maintain a sense of routine and stability for your children.
In conclusion,
being a good parent following a divorce is all about prioritising your children’s needs, establishing effective communication and co-parenting plans. Not forgetting to take care of yourself. It is a challenging, overwhelming and emotional process, but with patience, understanding, and a willingness to work together, you can create a stable and loving environment for your children. Remember, your children are counting on you to be their rock during this difficult time, and with your love and support, they will thrive and grow into happy, healthy adults.
This is going to be challenging and there are going to be days where you struggle. You need to stay focused and disciplined. Be there for your children.
Cosychats can be part of this. Allowing you to seek the experience of others who have been through this but please whatever route you take please keep on talking and communicating.
Divorce is never easy, and it becomes even more complicated when children are involved. As a child of divorce, myself, I know first-hand how challenging it can be to navigate the ups and downs of life when your family is divided.
Unfortunately, some parents see their children as weapons in the divorce process, using them as pawns to hurt their ex-partner. In this article, we’ll explore why children shouldn’t be used as divorce weapons and discuss ways to avoid this harmful behaviour.
WW1 French postcard Circra 1914: Translation ’If you don’t come out of your trenches, I will fire another round’
Scenario. Let’s begin with a story. Imagine a family of four: a mother, father, and two children, a boy and a girl. One day, the parents announce that they’re getting a divorce. The children are devastated but hopeful that things will work out.
However, their parents’ behaviour quickly spirals out of control. Each parent begins to demonise the other in front of the children, blaming them for the divorce and making them choose sides. Soon, the children are caught in the middle of a battle they never asked to be a part of. They start to feel like their parents’ love is conditional, and they’re not sure where they fit in. This is the reality for too many children of divorce.
The impact of Divorce. It’s crucial to understand the impact that divorce can have on children. Research shows that children of divorce are more likely to experience mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression. They may also have trouble forming relationships and struggle with self-esteem. Children of divorce may feel like they have lost a sense of stability and security in their lives. Therefore, it’s important for parents to consider the impact of their actions on their children. Using children as weapons in divorce is harmful to the child’s emotional and mental well-being. Children who are used as weapons can feel like they’re caught in the middle of their parents’ battle. This can cause immense emotional distress, leading to feelings of guilt, anger, and confusion. When parents use children as weapons, they’re essentially telling their child that they’re not important and that their well-being is not a priority. This can cause lasting damage to the child’s self-esteem and emotional development.
So, how can parents avoid using children as weapons in divorce? The first step is to avoid demonising each other in front of the children. This means refraining from making negative comments about the other parent or involving the children in adult conversations about the divorce. It’s important to remember that children love both of their parents and hearing negative comments about one of them can be extremely hurtful. How to be a good parent following a divorce.
Parents should focus on their children’s needs during the divorce process. This means creating a safe and stable environment for them, keeping communication respectful and honest, and prioritising their well-being over personal issues. Children need to know that they are loved and that their parents will work together to make sure they’re okay.
Don’t ask your children to pick sides.
Whether intentionally or not, never ask your children to pick a side. Think about your actions and words. Be respectful of boundaries and whatever has happened remember your children are better off having two loving parents. You may be going to war. The divorce becoming increasingly fractured and difficult but never place that huge and incredibly damaging emotional strain on your child of picking a side.
Working with professionals, such as lawyers and therapists, can also be helpful in avoiding using children as weapons in divorce. These professionals can provide guidance and support during the divorce process, helping parents to keep the focus on the children and avoid harmful behaviour. Seeking help is especially important if the divorce is high conflict or if one or both parents are struggling with mental health issues. Lawyers can be useful to separate the pain of the divorce from the reality of day to day life.
Talk to others. Don’t stop communicating. Share what’s happening. Seek out people who been through divorce and can share their experience. Utilise cosychats and other resources. Find the right person to share their experience.
In conclusion, children should never be used as divorce weapons. It’s crucial for parents to remember that their actions have a significant impact on their children’s emotional and mental well-being. Avoiding using children as weapons means focusing on the children’s needs, keeping communication respectful, and working with professionals when necessary. Divorce is never easy, but with the right mindset and support, parents can help their children navigate this challenging time with as little harm as possible.
Paul M
Divorce can be very difficult and often children are dragged into it. Used as weapons.
Divorce is life changing and can be incredibly damaging for all concerned but especially children, in later life and relationships. Your actions now will affect your children’s life and future happiness. Why you should never hit your children
Step back and focus on your children, compartmentalise them and their needs. Put them in a padded mental box and protect them from the storm. Keep them safe. Your divorce will change their lives but don’t let it define their lives and future relationships.
Speak to people who been through divorce. Understand ‘the other side’. Work together and keep your children out of it as best you can.
Cosychats can be part of this. Allowing you to seek the experience of others who have been through this but please whatever route you take please keep on talking and communicating.
Its common I think for parents of adopted children to worry that their child will grow up ostracised from the world or that they’ll be judged harshly for adopting. As a society, it’s an interesting (and often unhealthy) myth we’ve built up around adoption.
The fear of being judged.
This weird idea of judgement and the opinions of others.
I know families where the children don’t resemble either parent and there’s an understandable concern that their child will grow up with the invisible weight of surface-level judgements cast by strangers and those who come into contact with the children.
To me, that seems absurd and short-sighted on the part of anyone who is prepared to cast a judgement, but this is easy for me to say when I don’t walk in those parents or children’s shoes. I think if I had children that looked very different to me, I would be self-conscious as well. I also know I wouldn’t want that to affect my children or our relationship.
Judgement fact or fiction?
Most people just don’t care if you’ve adopted kids or not. I know that’s a lot to try and accept, especially if you are upset by the thought of judgement but hear me out.
You’ll get people who make a surface-level judgement, and they’ll wonder if your child is adopted or whatever. But once they walk past you in the street, the rest of life kicks in. They go back to thinking about bills, their personal lives, or work. That’s just how life is, and those who are going to give you a negative opinion aren’t worth the time of day anyway.
This logic extends a lot to your kids as well. Sure, they might get a weird look from their peers or even someone who’s rude enough to say something, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. They almost need to learn how to shrug it off and accept that a person’s opinion doesn’t matter, because they’ll always face opposition in life from someone no matter what they do – what counts is how you look at it. What matters at the end of the day is the relationship between you and your kids.
Learning to Let Go and Live
Adoption is ultimately for life, and it’s important that you and your children learn to let go of fears about judgement from strangers. Everybody’s entitled to an opinion, sure. However, that doesn’t mean you need to listen.
This process isn’t easy, of course. A lot of people struggle to make their peace with this type of thing and let go of fears and concerns.
Sticks and stones may break my bones But words shall never hurt me.
Is the nursery rhyme I leant at school.
Anna was our guest blogger here and we wanted to get the perspective of someone looking at families with differences. When we adopted, we very much felt that everyone was looking, everyone knew we had adopted children. When we went out, that we stood out.
Anna’s piece gives the balance that people might look or even make a comment but in reality, it’s a moment in time. While we would agree it is a moment in time it still difficult riding oneself of the perception and fear that everyone is looking at you, judging you. Especially if your family has obvious differences and people do naturally look and sometimes stare.
Strength. We found that talking with fellow adopters and sharing experiences gave us the confidence to ignore such comments. Strength came from talking and sharing.
Security. We built a secure family unit that created this safe space, where the pressures and events of the outside world could be retreated from.
What really mattered was the love and happiness of our family and the joy and love we could bring each other.
Adoption is a difficult and challenging journey. Self-confidence and conviction are key. Self-confidence to ignore those who stare or comment and conviction that you are doing the right thing for you and your family whatever others might say or judge. Being judged or pitied come with the territory were afraid but don’t let it get you down.
