The dread of Sunday night and Monday morning. The thought of another week getting them to school.
Feeling emotionally drained by 9:30am. Sound familiar? Try to win the war, not just the daily battle.
Do;
Care. If you don’t care they won’t. Show your children you care about their school life and schoolwork. This is especially true of younger children who tend to be excited about whatever you’re excited about. Enjoy this while you can.
Be available to help and answer questions. Let them know you are there to help and support them. Especially with teenagers. Give them space.
Talk. Talk to them about their day. Don’t probe or hold an interrogation. The daily catch up. A conversation is always better than an interrogation.
Understand what they’re feeling, what they’re going through. This isn’t 20 questions, its going at their pace giving them the opportunity to share and understanding your child. Don’t pressurise your child, this is just going to add to their worries and create conflict and damage your relationship. Don’t be part of the problem.
Help and try to make, homework more interesting and fun. Don’t pretend you know everything (this wasn’t a problem for us!!). Learn, be confused, solve, together.
Get help. We found siblings helping with homework was far more effective than we were, and often understood it better than we did. Older children can be good tutors, and money well spent.
Be positive, reward, praise. Praise, Hugs Kisses. Praise trying as well as success. Effort is more important than success. Success follows effort.
Be realistic. Our son can’t concentrate for longer than a few minutes on things he doesn’t like. Despite what we do. We take homework in small slots. We don’t push him for too long, it creates frustration on both side, tears and anger and failure. We reward hard work and encourage him to push himself but within the boundary of respecting and working with his concentration span.
Homework should be tolerable and as interesting and rewarding as you can make it. For each slot we reward in some way, can be as simple as a high five.
Make sure you and the school are working together. Have an open and current dialogue with school. . Feedback home life to school. Make sure the school understand and accommodate your child’s needs. Don’t be afraid to share tips that work for you. Our son responds better to visual prompts than verbal instructions. We’ve explained this to teachers, so they understand he’s not just being naughty or just not listening. Teachers need to understand and accommodate your child. Sadly, in our experience this is an ongoing effort and discussion.
Reward good work at school, in the home.
ADHD Expect the same from your school. Set the expectation that you’re a parent that appreciates working with the school for the shared aim of benefitting your child.
With Teenagers and beyond, talk in a positive way, about long term goals. What they enjoy, what they want to do. What they need to achieve. Be practical, encourage, aim for the stars.
Keep tabs on your own feelings. If you’re getting very frustrated or angry about your child’s school performance don’t bring it into your relationship with your child. Tackle this separately. Manage your behaviour, stay positive and respectful of your child’s abilities. Don’t create unnecessary tension and anguish.
If you feeling yourself getting angry or frustrated with your kids, take a step back and breathe, think. Put your children into context. If you expect perfection from your children when school is just another thing they struggle with, you’ll drive yourself crazy. Don’t expect them to be somewhere not, help them reach their potential.
Written by parents of three adopted children, with varying abilities and many challenges, that make them unique and deeply loved.
Take care and never be afraid to reach out. Every day is a challenge but also a new day.
www.cosychats.com is built to enable others to share their experience.
Parents, this is very important. We need your buy in. We know its very hard……..to leave your phone alone and step away.
Yes, we’re serious. Please take a minute, relax and deep breaths.
I promise now, at the end of this article, to turn off my technology and go and interact with my children.
Signed: You
Technology is great in so many ways but when it rules you then it’s not so great, is it? Take a moment and think about technology v your children. Which do you value most? Most people will say their children but then ask yourself, which do you spend most time with?
Be honest, its technology, isn’t it?
You’re not alone. Look around and you’ll see parents across the world engaging with technology and not their children. We all do it, you’re not alone but let’s make a conscious effort to break the cycle.
Make a note to come off technology for an hour and engage with your children.
You don’t have to spend money just quality time.
Playing together, enjoying time together. Having fun.
You may not find this easy but it is rewarding to you and your family.
Learn to reconnect with your children, be silly, laugh scream shout and embarrass yourself.
Rediscover what a great game hide and seek is.
For Teenage children its going to be more challenging. Entering their world is bemusing at best but try you must.
This can feel more than a little daunting and the last thing you want to do but try you must.
Their technology can be a great way in. Remember this is about you coming off your phone and engaging with your children. Ideally yes you all have a break but this may just create arguments, better to engage on their terms.
How we’ve used technology to interact with our children. Done;
Watched endless, pointless videos of children opening presents, watching children, watching videos of opening presents (what is the attraction here??).
Played a game I didn’t understand, couldn’t operate properly and achieved a (children laughing loudly) beyond embarrassing status (apparently).
Felt completely out of my depth.
Made a skin, that I thought looked pretty fire (good) but was actually sh!t
Felt I would rather be (insert) than doing this.
But, afterwards it felt like we had connected and engaged. I’d done (terribly) something they like. I’d made them laugh and smile. It felt good. I’m never going to be a gamer but that is not the point.
Its worth the effort. Make time and please try not to be that parent that values reading social media updates more than their child’s attention. You may think you don’t do that but watch your behaviour. Think of it another way and allocate 30 minutes in your day to look at your phone, the rest is yours and your families.
Ok so we are at the end of the article.
By reading this article you accepted the terms and conditions of a binding contract.
You must, turn off your technology, seek out your children and engage, play, laugh, cry, interact, have fun, be human, tune in, tune out. Leave your comfort zone. Forget about social media updates. Concentrate and listen to your children.
This shouldn’t be a one off. Make this a regular part of your life.
You and your family will be all be better for it.
Once you’ve done this we’d love to hear from you. contact@cosychats.com and share your story.
Connecting with your child can be challenging, when they reach their teenage years it can feel like an impossibility, but it’s essential to building a strong and healthy relationship.
I’ve seen firsthand how difficult it can be for parents to connect with their teenagers, especially as they grow older and become more independent. But with the right approach, you can create a healthy relationship with your teenager that will last a lifetime.
In this article, I’ll share some tips and strategies for connecting with teenagers and building a stronger parent-teen relationship. Whether you are dealing with a rebellious teenager or want to improve your communication skills, these tips will help you create a more positive and fulfilling relationship with your child.
Why is a healthy relationship with your teenager important?
I thought the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services summed it up quite well in a formal sense.
‘During adolescence, young people learn how to form safe and healthy relationships with friends, parents, caregivers, teachers, and romantic partners. Adolescents often try on different identities and roles, and all of these relationships contribute to their identity formation. Peers, in particular, play a big role in creating an identity during adolescence. However, relationships with caring adults—including parents or caregivers, mentors, or coaches—are the building blocks for all other relationships, providing examples for how a young person handles them.’
If you can’t maintain a connection, safe space and trusting, open relationship with your child there’s a risk they’ll go to, and be influenced by others. This may be on-line and hidden from you. This can be a damaging phase they go through or the start of bad life choices that can affect the rest of their lives.
‘The father of a 14-year-old who took her own life has told her inquest he was shocked that such “dark, graphic, harmful material” was readily available to be seen by children online.’ Ian Russell
Moreover, connecting with your teenager can help them develop important social and emotional skills. When you have a positive relationship with your teenager, you model healthy Communication, conflict resolution, and problem-solving skills.
A healthy relationship can help your child develop these skills, serving them well throughout their lives.
Tips for Building Strong Relationships with Your Kids
As I said earlier, a strong connection with your teenager can help them feel secure and supported. This benefits their mental health and well-being.
That’s why I put together 15 tips to help you connect with your teenager and build a strong relationship:
Here are 15 tips for building a healthy relationship with your teenager:
Listen to & Communication actively
When your teenager talks to you, give them your full attention. Put down your phone, pause TV, and make eye contact. This will show them that you value what they say and are interested in their life.
Also, effective Communication is a two-way street, so make sure you’re also expressing yourself. Share your thoughts and feelings and try to find common ground. Be honest and transparent with your teenager but respect their boundaries and privacy.
Respect their boundaries
Respecting their boundaries means acknowledging and accepting their need for privacy and independence. It involves recognizing they have thoughts, feelings, and desires and allowing them the space and freedom to express themselves.
Teenagers often need space to explore their interests, spend time with friends, or be alone. Respecting their boundaries means giving them the space to do so without feeling smothered or controlled.
At the same time, it’s important to maintain open lines of Communication and be available when they need you. This means listening to their concerns, offering advice or support, and maintaining an ongoing dialogue about their lives and experiences.
Show interest in their life
Show interest in your teenager’s life, such as their hobbies, interests, and friends. Engage in conversations about their life and ask questions to learn more about what’s going on in their world.
For example, if your teenager is interested in music, showing interest might involve asking them about their favourite bands, attending concerts with them, or even playing music together. By showing genuine interest and enthusiasm for their interests, you can help to create a sense of connection and shared experiences.
When you show interest in their life, it helps to build a healthy relationship with them.
Avoid being judgmental
As a parent, it’s easy to be judgmental of your teenager’s actions or decisions. However, it’s essential to avoid being judgmental and, instead, be supportive. When your teenager makes mistakes, provide guidance, and help them learn from them. Don’t be the nagging parent. It’s just white noise and you’ll soon be ignored.
Spend quality time with your teenager
Quality time can take many forms, depending on your teenager’s interests and preferences. It might involve playing a game together, going for a hike or bike ride, watching a movie, or simply talking and catching up on each other’s lives.
The key to spending quality time with your teenager is prioritizing it and making it a routine. This might mean scheduling a regular date night, outing, or setting aside time each week to connect and engage with your teenager.
When you spend quality time with your teenager, you are demonstrating that you value and prioritize your relationship with them. This can help to build trust and create a sense of closeness and connection that can be crucial for supporting your teenager’s emotional well-being.
Top tip, let them choose what to do and however much you don’t want to do it, go with it. I’ve played some awful online games that I neither understood nor was any good at but it’s what my daughter wanted to do, so we did it.
Be honest
Honesty is the foundation of any strong relationship, including the parent-teenager relationship. Being honest is essential, even when uncomfortable or difficult. When you’re honest, it shows and builds trust, and they will be more likely to share in the future. However bad its better to know.
Set clear boundaries and expectations
As a parent, it is your responsibility to have an eye on and set clear boundaries and expectations for maintaining a healthy parent-teenager relationship. Healthy relationships start with setting boundaries and expectations and although these boundaries change as your child grows older it still should be the bedrock of your relationship.
So always be clear about your expectations, rules, and consequences, and enforce them consistently.
Be realistic, your child is growing. The 7-year-old is not the 14-year-old, but the 14-year-old is not the 21-year-old yet. This can be really challenging, you’ll question whether you’re doing the right thing, getting the right balance. Don’t be afraid to seek help, bounce ideas of others, discuss what works but ultimately you understand your child and know what’s best.
Show Interest in Their Lives
It’s easy to get caught up in your life and forget to show interest in their life. Take time to ask them about their day, their friends, and their interests. Ask them to share their favourite music or movies and show an interest in what they’re passionate about.
Teenagers want to feel heard and valued, and showing interest in their lives is an excellent way to build a healthy relationship.
Show empathy to strengthen your relationship
When you show empathy, it helps your teenager feel heard and understood, which can strengthen your relationship.
For example, suppose your teenager is upset about a conflict with a friend. In that case, showing empathy might involve listening to their perspective, acknowledging their feelings, and offering support or advice if appropriate. By showing empathy, you can help your teenager feel validated and understood, strengthening your relationship and improving their overall well-being.
Be patient and do not give up
Building a strong relationship takes time and patience. It’s essential to be patient and not give up, even if it feels like you’re being pushed away (in our experience that’s when they need you the most). Continue to show up and be there for your teenager, even if they don’t appreciate it. They will later, it may be years later, but it will happen.
Respect Their Independence
Teenagers crave independence, and it’s crucial to respect that. Allow your teenager to make their own decisions and give them space to explore their interests. Let them know that you trust and respect them.
However, setting boundaries and rules for their safety and well-being is important. Find a balance between giving your teenager independence and being involved in their lives.
Be supportive
It’s essential to support your teenager, whether with their schoolwork, hobbies, or other interests. When you’re supportive, it shows that you believe in them, and they will be more likely to trust you.
Spend Quality Time Together
Make an effort to spend regular quality time together. This could be as simple as going for a walk or bike ride together or watching a movie or TV show you enjoy. So, try to find some activities that you both like and do them together. You may have to stretch your interest to meet theirs but do it.
Quality time doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming, but it’s essential to building a better relationship with your teenager. When you spend time together, you’re creating memories and strengthening your bond.
Be a Role Model
Finally, be a positive role model. Lead by example and demonstrate the values that you want your children to have. Show them how to handle stress, conflict, and challenges healthily and positively.
Your children are watching and learning from you, so modelling positive behaviours and attitudes is crucial. By being a positive role model, you’re creating a better relationship and setting them up for success in the future.
15. If you need to take action, take action.
There will be times when your concerns outweigh all of the above and you must take action. If you have genuine concerns you must address them. Don’t be afraid to do this. The health and safety of your child outweigh everything. You may have to explain and apologise to your child, and you should do this but their safety and welfare is paramount. Don’t ever lose sight of that.
Conclusion:
Building a strong relationship with your children requires effort and commitment, but it’s ultimately worth it.
Remember to communicate openly and honestly, respect your teenager’s boundaries, show empathy and understanding, set clear expectations, and spend quality time together. Doing so can strengthen your relationship and create a lasting bond that can help support emotional well-being and personal growth.
Teenage years are demanding and potentially damaging. It’s vital you get all the help you need. If you’re struggling talk to someone. Cosychats is built upon the premise of sharing experience, please do take advantage of this. It’s important to remember you’re not the only parent to struggle with and saying you don’t know what to do is the first step in finding out what to do.
