Adoption

'Adoption is massive. Its life changing, for you and the children you adopt. Adopting children is an incredible thing to do and for us an incredibly challenging thing to do, which doesn't end. You need to be prepared for this. Its not all sunshine and roses. For us there were 6 key points we would have used CosyChats for.

1. Trying for a baby. Our journey to Adoption. We wanted children but for medical reasons it was difficult for us to conceive. This didn’t stop us trying though. This took a physical, emotional and financial toll on us individually and as a couple. It wasn't an easy journey to adoption. With hindsight we could have made it easier and given ourselves a better understanding of what lay ahead. We definitely would have benefitted from speaking to someone who had been through the medical procedures, who could have shared their journey and experience. Friends and family are supportive but that's not enough.

I don’t think this would have deterred us from trying but would have prepared us more the process and what it means. Its not easy, not cheap if your paying and a long slog with plenty of ups and downs. Then at some point you have to stop and that's a big decision. We did this together as a couple but at times you felt very alone. It can also feel very functional, like being on a conveyor belt. Every stop is more money and at the end you can win the star prize or fall off into the bin. Sounds harsh, it is.

2. No baby. Stopping IVF was hard. The end of the road, the dream over. There was a small relief that we didn't have to go through anymore medical procedures and suffer the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive but there is such a sense of immense sadness. It’s a numbness that affects your whole body. A sense of failure, worthlessness and envy at everyone with children. On reflection its grief at loss, similar to bereavement. At this point we should have taken some counselling or at the very least spoken to someone who had been through this experience.

3. Next Steps. Our intention was to go straight into adoption, but a reputable agency won’t let you start the adoption process until you have had 3-6 months break from a round of IVF. This was very annoying and frustrating at the time, as in hindsight we’d have considered not doing the last round of IVF, favouring adoption. Having regular conversations with someone who been through IVF / adoption would have helped us probably make better decisions and saved time, but we had to look forward, we had to decide whether to adopt or not. Our first intention was to adopt, we knew we wanted children, so adoption or fostering were the only options open to us.

Adoption is such a massive thing, it’s a huge, colossal, life changing decision that can’t be rushed. You both have to be sure and committed to change you live forever. Accept everything adopted children bring. This is a huge decision, and we would have benefitted from speaking to more people who have adopted, hearing their experience, the good and bad, as there’s plenty of both.

4. Adoption assessment. Our adoption assessment took years, we considered on agency who for us just didn’t work. When we got an agency, the assessment took several years, and we should have asked more questions and raised our concerns. The assessment is what it is, they have to be sure your suitable, you have to be sure your suitable and committed. It would have been nice to have someone to speak to who understood and have been through the process, who would understand and relate to what we were going through. They can’t give you the answers or tell you what to say but they understand when your down with the whole (bl**dy) process and why you're frustrated.

5. Matching. Matching is crazy, it's like going into a sweet shop and being asked to pick what you want. You must be clear as to what you want as a family and what you don’t. Race, gender, history, ability, health to name the a few. it feels wrong to be selective, but you must get the child you want, and you must understand and know what you're looking for. While only you can make this decision it would have been very helpful to you to have spoken to someone who’d been through this and could share their experience. For us matching was off a paper flyer and short video at an adoption fair but like buying a house at that point I knew.

6. Getting your children and beyond. You finally get what you’ve dreamed about. Now the real hard work starts. There are so many pitfalls and up and downs its incredible. in the beginning we learnt by trying but over time we realised hearing the experience of others helped us not to make the mistakes they’d made and make better decisions. Adopted children may act the same as birth children but often the reasons are very different, you, your family and schools need to react to this, identify the reasons why and change your behaviour. This isn’t easy and especially with schools (and family to some extent) can be incredibly challenging and frustrating. We benefit from speaking to other adopters regularly. We're not afraid of seeking advice 10 years in as we benefit from it every day.

Our story We got our family and within a year we got another sibling through adoption, that can happen, which was something we hadn’t considered. A sort of buy 2 get 1 free deal.

Every day is challenging for us. There’s always something going on with one of them and we’ve faced some significant and sometimes quite scary issues.

We need to be transparent about this as the garden isn’t always rosy, but do we regret what we did?

No, we don’t.

We have our moments when were worn down, emotionally drained and frustrated to the point of having to find a quiet space for a while (challenging in our house) but these are blips in the road.

For all the moments of madness and pain there are the glimmers of love and affection, periods of laughter and joy that make it all worthwhile.

Children get under your skin, become such a part of you that you can’t imagine life without them.

Adoption really is life changing and for life.

The XX Family Essex

We’d love to share pictures and more detail on our story, but adoption isn’t like that. Adoption is a safe place for you and your family, but we wish you the absolute best wishes in your journey.

In our experience adopters are wonderful people, with whom we share a special common bond, our children.

Cosychats was designed to be a resource for people to use to share their experience. To help others make better and more informed choices. We hope it achieves this and you find it beneficial.