What to do when your child has a favourite

What to do when your child has a favourite? When my son was about eight years old, he went through a phase of preferring to sit next to me and spend most of his time closer to me, It drove my wife crazy. If I’m honest, I kind of secretly liked it, even though it only lasted a few short weeks. We couldn't see any reason behind it. As the stay home dad, I already spent a lot of time with him, taking him to school and back. We also used to regularly play video games together. However, up until these few short weeks and mostly since, my son generally prefers being with his mum. 

  Children (like parents) do secretly (or not) have favourites. This is natural but what to do when your your child has a favourite and its not you?  That can be hard for anyone. What are the reasons behind your children having a favourite, how do you deal with how it makes you feel as a parent, and when should you be worried?

  Why Children May Favour One Parent  

There are a few reasons why a child might act like they have a favourite. It could be a combination of these, and they can all fluctuate with time.    

Developmental Stages  

When a child is very young, they typically spend most of their time with the mother. This is because they will be nursed by them and because of the much longer maternity leave  compared to the one or two weeks that a dad will get in the UK.

A 2022 study found that infants aged 10-19 months exhibited longer duration's of proximity-seeking and bodily contact with mothers compared to fathers, suggesting a stronger early attachment to mothers.

  Of course, very early on, a child has a much higher familiarity with a mother because of being in the womb and is often comforted by the sound of her heartbeat. As a dad you only get to bond after the birth.   As a child progresses through the stages of being a toddler to school age and onto teenager, they might have favourites due to the development stage. A boy might prefer male company as an active, boisterous eight-year-old. Or a girl might prefer her mum during puberty when they feel they have more in common with the parent of the same gender.

  Shared Interests

  Not every parent enjoys kicking a football, computer games, cartoons, or Lego. Just like in friendships, having a shared passion makes a relationship more fun and more intense. If you and your child love doing something together, it can only improve your bond.

For me, I had a few things I would do together with my son. We loved a Nerf fight, a computer game or a bike ride. This was my golden time and I will always look back fondly on the shared fun.

  Just like adults, though, their interests change, and they also grow out of things. Before long, he was more interested in dinosaurs, and that - was my wife's thing. It also never works to get them to enjoy what you like, as my son still hates Star Trek.

Try to join in with their hobbies as much as you can manage, and be glad for your partner's golden times, as it will probably be your turn soon.

  Differences in Parenting Roles

  If you parent with your significant other a bit like good cop and bad cop, your child may naturally lean towards preferring the good cop. Of course your child needs discipline, but they will always prefer a hug and smile to being told off. Parents will have a particular style of raising children, but you can try to be consistent with each other.

I was the stricter parent to be honest, but I did learn to balance this, and we became more consistent overall. This can improve behaviour too as both your approaches are agreed.

  Availability

  A working parent that is away for long parts of the day will spend a lot less quality time with a stay at home parent, or even when one works part of the time. This can also be true if the parents have separated and live in different places. Younger children could end up with a favourite just because they are more familiar with them.

  Temporary Circumstances

  Parenting can be difficult, and it doesn’t protect you from the other challenges of life. Things can happen that make it harder for you as a parent, as it doesn't protect you from the roller-coaster of life. You may be struggling a bit as a parent and not as emotionally present, especially if maybe you are suffering with post-natal mental health issues. If your career becomes stressful, you develop a health problem or there are financial issues, you may find it hard to focus on being the parent you want to be. Your child may pick up on any tension and be more comfortable around your partner or other caregivers.

  Don't be too hard on yourself. We are all human with frailties and emotions. Take time out and concentrate on yourself and adapting to the challenges life brings and then you'll have more time and space in your life for your children.

  Circumstances beyond your control.

  Life continues and things happen outside your control, illness, work pressures, financial concerns and marriage breakdowns.  These things are largely outside your control but their burden can affect your relationship with your child.   It's important to be able to place outside pressures into a separate compartment to the ‘relationship with son’ compartment of your brain, but we all know this isn’t always possible.  Try to recognise when your behaviour changes and consider explaining it to your children.  Sometimes explanation can help, and your child isn’t pushed away through fear or seeking security and regulation of behaviour.  

Overcompensating to correct 

  The classic Sunday parent who spoils the child rotten, only for the other parent to look after them and say no during the week. Overcompensating is a false economy.  If your behaviour has been poor you need to build their trust again, not rush down to the sweet shop for treats. Bringing up children isn’t a competition between parents. 

   

  Emotional Impact on Parents

  The “Unfavoured” Parent

  When you love your child just as much as your partner, when you work hard to provide for them and to raise them, it can be tough to feel like you come second. Are you doing something wrong? Why are you being rejected? It’s hard not to feel frustrated and on the periphery of everything. Maybe you show the frustration visibly, or maybe you withdraw somehow.

  The “Favoured” Parent

  At first, you enjoy the attention and get an ego boost from feeling special, Maybe you even encourage it, deliberately or not.

But then you feel guilty about how your partner feels, and you miss your partner being included. Also, because you are the favourite, you get less and less time to yourself. The burden is on you and although sometimes you enjoy it — you are exhausted. The pressure is on you to try to fix the dynamic, but who wants to reject their own child's attention?

  Impact on Family Dynamics

  Apart from the dynamic between parents and children, favouritism can bring challenges between the parents. The unfavoured parent may be withdrawn, resentful, and jealous. Combine this with the fact that one parent will need to give more than their share of their time will make them feel guilty and exhausted. The unfavoured parent might also feel the other parent encourages or relishes the attention. These unbalances in the family dynamic, especially if they aren’t discussed, will introduce a lot of tension. 

  Strategies to Manage Favouritism

  Open Communication Between Parents

  As the saying goes, teamwork makes the dream work. If your child having a favourite is causing problems in your family, then the best way to solve it is communicating. Let your partner know how it is making you feel instead of feeling more and more excluded. Together you can then work on strategies to overcome it and spot issues. You might be surprised how your partner feels about it.  

Quality Time with Both Parents

  Try to find activities that everybody enjoys so that nobody feels excluded. For me, this was playing board games that everyone liked, and computer games that were more communal. My wife cannot cycle and never really enjoyed Nerf gun fights, but there are things we all enjoyed. 

  Balance Roles and Responsibilities

  Mix things up, so your child sees you differently. Change who reads the bedtime story or a school run. If you change the roles you undertake, your child will change how they see you. One parent should never be the fun parent, parenting is hard, and sometimes it's not about being your child's best friend, it is about being their parent and doing what's best for them.  Don’t shy away from the hard jobs or setting boundaries for fear of upsetting your child. Share the nice parts as well as the mundane. . 

  Acknowledge the Child’s Feelings

  What to do when your child has a favourite? Rather than fighting it, or feeling increasingly frustrated, accept the child is human and at that moment they just prefer the other parents' attention.  This doesn’t make you any less of a parent or mean your child loves you any less.  Concentrate more on doing something enjoyable together.  This isn’t about blaming your child, it's great they have a good connection with the other parent, and sometimes you have to accept the relationship. Children seem to favour parents, daddy's girls and mummies boys do exist, and it's not a bad thing so don’t fight it. .

  Work on any background issues such as stress or parenting style.

  If there are background problems that you can work on, consider working on them to improve the favouritism. Of course not all these issues are easy to fix but if you can lower your stress levels or little changes in your parenting style can make huge differences. I found at times I could be a little too strict, and this is something I worked on. If you're the ‘telling off’ parent, as many dads are, try to share the burden and explain this is a joint decision.  Keep everything together, good and bad. 

  When to be worried

  You know your children best and what they need, but an over-reliance on one parent may become an issue that needs to be discussed and understood. Stay calm and be gentle. Your child shouldn’t feel blamed or misunderstood. 

Sometimes you have to accept it and accommodate it, but that may not always be possible. If you really are concerned, then seek some advice, but please don’t alienate or shame your child. It may be difficult to know what to do when your child has a favourite and maybe doing nothing is the right thing.  Wait and see might be the best advice. 

  Conclusion 

  Parenting is hard and parents, despite everything they say, have favourites, so it's no great surprise children feel the same.  It is entirely normal for a child to have a favourite to some degree. Sometimes in fact it could also be even a grandparent or aunt. Grandparents can be a great influence and teachers. You may wish to limit or explain the favouritism, grandparents spoiling children isn’t headline news is it, but we’ll all do it when we were grandparents.  

  What to do when your child has a favourite? Try not or to take it personally. Easy to say, but difficult to do.  Be glad your child is happy and being looked after, or spoiled.  Children remember who brought them up, especially as they get older.   

  Work as a team with your partner if possible, and try to find ways to connect with your child in a way everyone enjoys. Take time out. Do something fun.  Take an interest in their game or what they’re doing, even if it bores you to tears, and you have no interest in it.  Do it for your children.  Kids love it when you take an interest in what they are doing.

  Appreciating what you like may not be what your child likes.  Adapt your behaviour and interests.   This is what to do when your child has a favourite and you want to connect more with your child. 

  Both parents are valuable and  bring different irreplaceable things to the table in terms of parenting.

Being a family isn’t easy and things change. Children can play you off against each other but equally have favourites. Sometimes you’ve just got to accept it for now and know your place in the family structure.

  If you want to discuss this or any other issue, please feel free to contact us on CosyChats.

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