Why Do We FIGHT So Much NOW That We Have KIDS?

Why Are We Bickering So Much?

You promised yourselves you’d never argue in front of the kids, but suddenly you’re bickering about little things and your children's ears are picking up every word.

Do We FIGHT More As PARENTS Now Than Before Having Kids?

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Are you tired of feeling like you're constantly at odds with your partner since having kids? You're not alone! Many couples experience an increase in conflict after having children, and it's not because they're bad partners, parents or people. In this blog we're exploring the reasons behind why we fight so much more now that we have kids. From the added stress and responsibilities of parenthood to the changes in our relationships and identities, we're exploring the common causes of conflict and offering practical tips on how to navigate these challenges and strengthen your relationship. If you're ready to stop fighting and bickering and ready to start connecting with your partner again then read on!

Before having children, in those early stress-free days of marriage, I don’t remember many arguments.

The worst disagreements were because I spent too much time in the pub, or I forgot to get an anniversary card, and the most frequent argument was probably about the TV remote. For me,  “Life is just too short to spend it arguing”.  It was always just better to put your cards on the table and find a compromise. Never go to bed on an argument. What a surprise it was then to have the arguments I’ve had since having children. Suddenly things get a lot more heated, and a lot more often. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's because babies  just won’t stop crying. Maybe it's because it just never ends.

Do Kids CHANGE Your Relationship Forever?

I think the real reason, the underlying cause for the intensity and bickering, is that it's the most significant role you have ever had. Your anchored to your child. You probably spend more practical time together and less fun time.  The old carefree abandon days disappear and your life changes.  This is a good thing but it creates more opportunity for argument and bickering.  There is more to think about and more to disagree on.   Yes, being tired isn't helping, nor is the constant stress. Sometimes you bring your ideas about how things should be done from your own childhood, or you realise just how strongly you feel about an issue. Bringing up a child is hard work and you do a lot for your children. You need to do a lot. There's lots of opportunities to disagree and bicker over simple things.  But the times we get angry or passionate the most about something is when we care the most. Even when we know this some parenting disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them could shape your child’s sense of security for years to come.

Can Family Harmony SURVIVE When You Are Bickering So Much?

What's the best way to handle disagreements and do the best for your family? For me, the first step in any argument is to stay respectful and listen to each other's opinions. Do this apart from your children whenever possible, as it's better than constantly bickering in front of them.  Being a parent can be chaotic and staying calm is difficult.  Learn to step back and breathe. Don't let bickering escalate.  Step back and think about what you are disagreeing about and how you can resolve it.  Sometimes taking a minute to breathe can help so much.  Taking the emotion out really helps.

Prevent PETTY Arguments and Bickering in Your Family for GOOD?

Discussing things in advance allows a more harmonious, unified approach as parents. Agree an approach and stick to it.  Try to predict issues and agree solutions.  Spending quality time together as a couple and a family helps build stronger foundations.  It helps you connect together and keep that communications going.  Going for a walk together is a great way of communicating and resolving.  Walking engages your brain and the physical movement of walking regulates your body and heart beat.  Letting your child know that a difference of opinion is normal. People argue. I'm sure your children are bickering all the time.  Being able to resolve an arguments is a life skill and there will always be arguments in healthy relationships.  This is different to losing your cool, shouting and actual fighting goes beyond this and will last long long in your children's memory.  Adult life has arguments in it. This is normal, and your children will grow up having disagreements;it can be an opportunity to learn what a healthy row looks like. That its OK to have an argument.  Hopefully a calm and reasoned one but if not an argument that happened and you moved on from.   By resolving the arguments you should reduce the bickering.  With more cohesion and harmony you should feel less inclined to bicker. And finally, in the end, you can hopefully find a compromise that makes everyone feel happier. Since I started doing this, we have had mostly shorter and smaller arguments. The arguments are less intense but were not looking to remove all arguments. This wouldn't be healthy, more manage the ones we have. 

How to argue, healthily

Argue SMARTER Not Harder with Your Kids!

Everybody argues but excessive arguing and bickering isn't healthy. 

In fact, like me, you might find you argue with your teenager more than you ever did with your partner!

Because it's normal, maybe arguments should be seen as an opportunity to model what a healthy disagreement looks like to your children.

Knowing how to stay respectful, fair and keeping it about the topic and not making it personal are all useful skills that come up in all aspects of life, not just in families.

The fastest way to solve an argument is to make the other person feel like you are listening, that they are heard.

Listen twice as much as you speak because you were born with two ears and one mouth.

When you both feel you understand each other and aren't just casually dismissing a viewpoint, you can come to a solution much faster and not make it about your individual egos.

Parents, What Does Your Child REALLY Think During an Argument?

When you find it hard to meet in the middle sometimes it can be helpful to ask a third party. They might have a different viewpoint that you didn't consider. They can also sometimes act as a referee.

This can be a family friend, relative, or someone with expertise in the field you are in conflict over. For example: a teacher but sometimes the best person is your child. 

Getting your child's viewpoint in an argument?

Is this a good idea or can of worms?  They need the maturity for this role although your child can usually add their viewpoint as it probably affects them. 

Of course, if it's about bedtimes or how much chocolate they eat, you should be careful how much you listen to them but its quite refreshing and empowering for your child to have this power.  It Gives your child a voice at the table and presents their view. 

As parents you need to be mindful of bringing your child into every argument but we've found asking for our children's view really helps.  Sometimes were arguing as parents over something the children have clear views on and after listening to them we all agreed. Which resolved the argument far quicker.  By the same token sometimes our children's input adds to the argument and if we don't agree then were not listening to them, so its fraught with problems but worth giving it a go.  It might be painful at times but it can be beneficial.

Compromise.

After listening to each other, and after maybe listening to other people's opinions, perhaps you see another option.

Maybe you feel differently about the argument, maybe it feels less important to you after all.

The best option could actually be a middle way. A compromise.

Is a COMPROMISE the BEST way to solve an argument?

Is Arguing Really Worth the Damage?

Sometimes you just have to lose the argument.

Sadly, there will always be arguments where someone has to lose. The ones where there is no middle ground. No compromises. The argument just gets more personal. More destructive. Your bickering more and the bad feeling is affecting those around you.  Being at home can even start to become unpleasant for everyone. Maybe then it's time to ask yourself, Is it worth it? Is 'losing' the argument worse than having the argument and bickering? Is it better to swallow your pride and concede defeat? Is it worth making everyone in your home miserable and missing the bigger picture? Sometimes you might even find you were actually more wrong than right. Good parenting can be all about the discoveries you make  and staying flexible.  Comprise isn't defeat or a loss.  Its a compromise.  Its thinking there is not way to resolve the argument the way i want so there must be compromise for everyone's sake.  Arguments happen but they can't be left to fester unresolved. Its far better to reach a result and move on.  

I look back on some of the arguments we've had thinking about what really were we arguing about?  Time makes arguments trivial and forgettable.  Compromises don't seem too bad but the family happiness and co-hes-ion is what matters.

Sometimes arguments are more difficult to resolve

The toughest arguments.

Probably the most challenging disagreement I had raising my son I did not see coming.

Maybe that was part of why it was a difficult argument. Also, as an argument about deep personal beliefs and upbringing, the volume was turned up high on the debate. Differences of opinion on religion were always going to be hard. So when my wife said to me, we should have a christening after my son was born, there was immediately a lump in my throat, I respected her opinion, but it has always been important to me that my son took his own decisions and I did not make them for him. The day he was old enough to decide for himself, I would be ordering a cake and planning a party if that's what he wanted. How do you work with such a big difference of opinion? In some arguments, and this turned out to be one, it can be a good idea to talk to other people, maybe experts in a field. For us, this was inviting a vicar to our house to talk about our concerns. And finally, in the end, you can hopefully find a compromise that makes everyone a bit happier. In the end, this is what happened. We had a church blessing and a party afterwards. Since then, we have had other, mostly smaller, arguments. Mostly lately it is about how much independence to give my adolescent son. The compromise is to always know here he is, to have curfews, and to insist he never comes back home late alone. It became about talking to him more about what is safe and then trusting him.

Conclusions - Next Steps

Arguments and bickering in parents is natural and sometimes healthy but when it becomes too frequent, too extreme or too emotional it becomes toxic. It has a negative impact on you and your family. You Need to recognise this and take control. Like isn't always sunshine and roses but bringing up children in a healthy environment environment is what we want to do as parents. This isn't easy but recognising your behaviour and the impact i has on your family and children is the first step.

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