Can I REALLY Love My Adopted Child?

I Secretly Feared I Wouldn't Love My Adopted Child

I think every adoptive parent thinks  What if I never really love my adopted child? this nagging fear that sits in the dark corner of your mind, usually in your most vulnerable moments.  Its a very personal question but also a natural question and one i asked myself many times.  

Its a fair question though. Would i just be a hotel keeper making the beds and providing the food and comforts but nothing else. Would our adoption be without that special bond.  That bond that unities you and your children for life.

If your thinking this then keep reading for our experience.  This is our story of moving past that fear and building a connection that’s deeper than genetics.

 The Dream

The dream for us, like for so many, was simple: we wanted to be parents. We had this vision for our life that was so clear it felt like a memory we just hadn't made yet. We imagined tears, laughter, bedtime stories… all the beautiful, chaotic noise of a house filled with children.

But our path to that dream was not a straight line. After years of trying to start our family biologically, we found ourselves at a crossroads—heartbroken, but not defeated. And that's when we started talking about adoption.

Is an Adopted Child Second Best?

At this point I tried not to think of adoption as a second best but that's difficult as it wasn't our first choice. So was it a second choice?  We yes it was but it wasn't second best. Adopted children aren't second best.  This is something you need to work through and be comfortable with.  If you want to form a meaningful and deep life long bond with an adopted child you can't think of them as second best.

The application process takes your mind off questions.  You must be sure otherwise you won't be successful.  The process was arduous.  Paperwork was a mountain, the home studies felt invasive, and the waiting was frustrating and annoying.  Adoption for us wasn't a perfect process.  We were so focused on the process of getting a child that we rarely stopped to question the feeling. We just thought that once we got the children parental love and bonding would happen and things just… click.

We were more ready for the practical challenges and less prepared for the emotional roller coaster and complexity that was waiting for us.

We thought love would be the easy part. It turns out, for us, it was the hardest part.

Meeting Your Child

You work so hard and wait so long so when that day arrives its difficult to believe. Its overwhelming. This is really happening.

I remember walking up to the house and looking in and our new family was sitting on the carpet looking like small children do but a little lost, little scared and a little excited.

It was  surreal moment.  Different to when new parents hold their new born but no less over whelming. I don't think any parent birth or adoption forgets the first time they see their child. Lets not forget the adopted child.  all the emotions the new parent feels must be magnified by a 100 for an adopted child.  New home, new safe space, new rules, new parents.  It must be very scary. We had a 3 day handover with our new family which helped us get to know each other a little more as this was the first time we'd met.  In the UK now i believe they meet before the adoption and spend time together which is better in some ways i think.

Coming Home With an Adopted Child .

Bringing our children home was even more surreal. Suddenly, OUR quiet house wasn't all ours. There were little children in the bedroom just as scared and nervous as we were.

I think that's a key point whatever doubts your having are natural and your child will be feeling the same no doubt.  Its a very confusing time.  Life feels like someone else's.

Love and attachment may not be instant for any child.  In hindsight I wouldn't beat myself up about this but at the time there is a feeling of detachment and this is understandable.  Its unrealistic to bring a new family, children, into your home and expect everything to click.

It’s not just about us. I had to learn that adopted children, no matter how young, are on their own profound journey of loss and grief. They've lost their first connection to their birth family, a reality that shapes their entire world. They don't come to us as empty vessels waiting for our love; they come with a history and a need for security that’s been shaken. Their hesitation to trust isn't a rejection of us, but a defense mechanism born from their own trauma. Our new children  weren't holding back out of spite; they were just trying to survive the biggest change of their life. I was so wrapped up in my own fear of not bonding that I wasn't fully seeing their fear of not belonging.

Both children and parents have to settle. Feel their new reality.  That's why adopters should keep everything low key.  Don't introduce new people.  Don't go on lots of day trips. Don't push feelings.  Low key means building the foundations of strength. Making the home.  Adopted children take time. That can be months years or never.

Fearing you'll never form the bond with an adopted child but them it happens.

The first few months were a blur of emotional challenges and lingering doubts. Was this what i expected. is this the rest of my time. Your living together but not living as a family yet.

We were on our best behaviour and the children in fear mode to be themselves.  Its a weird hotel like state where your under the same roof but not sharing life together.

Life continues until moments of light happen.  A knowing smile from your child.  A shared moment or a moment of hurt or emotion and they come to you.  It may take time. Longer for one parent than the other, especially if that birth parent had a abusive/neglectful relationship with your child.  That history projects onto you. Birth mum or dad.

These small moments of real communication when they let you in and you let them into your life start to build and you feel the distance shortening and an understanding and bond forming.  You care for them.  Not just in a practical sense in a real I CARE FOR YOU, I LOVE YOU.

There are still moments of feeling like a caretaker for someones else child but don't push these feelings. These feelings are natural and forming a REAL bond can take years of building trust and communication but it happens.

It can be a touch holding hands, them wanting to be held by you. There will be set backs, one step forward three back.  Our set back was playing with them and feeling like we could pick them up.  We played planes and lifted them high and low, then suddenly by accident banged their heads.  It was tears and emotion. It was a trigger to a past life in their new life.  We explained and apologised but here lived body behaviour sent warnings and they regressed backwards.  We felt terrible and knew it was a set back but set backs happen. Life (and adoptive parents) isn't perfect.

You keep going and time and love build a bond.  You become more like you and so do your children.  Our children went from quiet children who never argued with each other to arguing and fighting.  We thought this was a bad thing but it was them feeling safe enough to be able to argue.  A good thing.

Building a Love Deeper Than Genetics

That was years ago. Looking at our family now, that time of fear and doubt feels like another lifetime. Our relationship isn't a fairytale of perfect, effortless love. It's something much more real and, I think, much more resilient.

Our bond isn't one we just fell into; it's one we fought for. It was forged in the quiet moments of choosing patience when I felt frustrated, of choosing to be present instead of distracted. It was built through thousands of small choices: bedtime stories, inside jokes, getting through disagreements, and celebrating tiny victories. And it turns out, this is so common; I've learned that emotional bonds in adoptive families can be just as strong as biological ones because they're built on a foundation of shared life and unwavering commitment.

The fear that I wouldn't love my child has been replaced by a connection so deep it feels like it's part of my DNA now, even though I know it isn’t. The love I have is quiet, steady, and fierce. It's a love I understand so well because I had to learn it. I had to choose it, day after day, until choosing it became my instinct.

Ask an adoptive parent about their children and if they say  'I wish I'd given birth to my children' they've formed a bond greater than mere DNA.  They've reached a a place of love and being together.  I can't ever imagine life without our children.  I stopped thinking of them as adopted children years ago. they are just our children who we happened to adopt.  Adopting is a huge part of our life but it isn't our life. Our life belongs to us and we shape our destiny together bonded by love and care.

We talk openly about adoption in our home. We honor our child’s history and help them understand all the parts of who they are. Their identity isn't a threat to us or our bond; it's essential to it. My love for them isn't less because they are adopted, its just love.

You Are Not alone

If you recognise this story or feeling, if you've ever felt that secret fear or struggled with the guilt of not feeling what you think you're "supposed to," please know you are not alone. It doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you human.

Conclusion

Please, hear this: Your feelings are valid. The pressure to have an instant, magical bond is huge, but it's not always reality. Connection takes time. Be patient with your child, and just as importantly, be patient with yourself.

You're building a bond that is stronger than fear, deeper than genetics, and more profound than you can possibly imagine. Keep going. It is so, so worth it.

 

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