Reducing Mealtime Stress for My 4-Year-Old and ME!

Is Your child a picky eater? Mine was and still is but read what took away the stress and guilt for us as parents and helped my daughter eat more.

How I Turned Mealtimes from Stressful to Blissful

As I scraped yet another full dinner into the bin I felt a familiar wave of despair. I had spent an hour with my four year old trying to get her to eat. I know she likes spaghetti bolognese so she should have eaten it today. Why won’t she just eat?

Doing All I Can With a Picky Eater

I spent so much time and effort that night. I tried everything I could think of to just get my little girl to eat. I talked to her about keeping our bodies healthy by eating our dinner. I told her good food helps us to grow up big and strong. I even said she could have a cupcake if she ate it all up! Nothing. I ended up letting her have the cupcake anyway just so she had something in her tummy and decided the next night I’d make her nuggets and chips again.

Was I Doing the Right Thing?

A week later I had coffee with a friend, Sophie. We hadn’t seen each other in ages so had lots to catch up on. Eventually we got chatting about our kids. Of course, the topic of eating issues came up and I told her how bad my daughter’s eating had become. What she said next changed. Our. Lives. Sophie said she had spoken with her health visitor when her son was younger and had similar fussy eating problems. The first question the health visitor had asked was “What does he eat throughout the day? Sophie had found it so powerful it was the first thing she thought of when talking with me. Next, she told me the rest of the health visitor’s advice. She had said that now Sophie was reassured that her son was getting enough food during the day, it was time to take all emotion out of mealtimes.

How much of a problem is being a fussy eater really?

I thought about what my daughter eats throughout the day. She tends to snack a lot so I said she eats lots of toast, yoghurts, fruit, the occasional biscuit, cheese, breadsticks, carrots and cucumber with hummus - things like that. Then, the penny dropped. All of a sudden it dawned on me that although she had a limited variety she eats a few things from each food group, and actually when you add it all up it’s enough that she won't starve.

How to Change mealtimes to reduce the pressure of eating for your children

That was when I decided to take action. No talking about food, no cajoling or pressuring my child to eat, no bribing with dessert. Just all the family sitting at the table together, chatting and making sure the atmosphere was light. I felt confident that our struggles were over. Until dinner time. My little girl sat down and looked at her dinner with disgust. “I’m not eating THAT.” she said defiantly. I started to engage with her and tell her it’s one of her favourites and asked her to just try one bite. Then, cringing, I remembered what Sophie had said to me that morning. So I looked at my daughter and said “Okay. If you’re not hungry you don’t have to eat anything.” And she ate precisely nothing.

It takes patience and calm heads to help a picky eater

I tried to feel okay with her refusing dinner again but honestly, it was harder than I thought it would be. I had to keep reminding myself that focusing on food was making her feel pressure to eat so I had to stop. That night, my partner and I had a long chat. We were going to do things differently from now on. There were lots of tears and reassurance.  We'd tried something and it wasn't working. Although we hadn’t done the best we could until now, it wasn’t too late! We spent our evening together talking about how the problems had become so bad and building our plan.

Taking the pressure off food and mealtimes

The following day we had a chat with our daughter. We told her we would all be sitting together at dinner time from now on. We talked about listening to our bodies telling us when we’re hungry and full. That was it, no talking about needing to eat healthy foods to grow, nothing about eating all our dinner. Just listening to our bodies. We had this conversation with her late morning so we weren’t talking about it too close to dinner time. We'd decided eating was more important than healthy eating. We'd taken away the pressure and guilt of our daughter not eating healthily.

What Happened Next

I wish I could say that it was all smooth sailing from there. Change did happen but it was gradual. I had expected a lot more and found it tough that progress was so slow. I had to remind myself that a win is a win, however small. The first couple of weeks she sat at the table but kept getting up to walk around the room. We just quietly called her back and engaged her in conversation. A win is a win. Still she ate nothing. Soon she understood that dinnertime meant sitting at the table. Eventually, one day I will never forget, she took a bite of a roast potato. My partner and I looked at each other and it was so hard not to say anything (or cheer!) but we managed it. That felt like a massive win! From then on, my little one started to feel safe to try a few bites of her dinner here and there. Never a huge amount and not every day. She only cleared her plate when it was nuggets and chips. But that’s okay, she was still growing and healthy, running around and playing with her friends.

Dealing with my feelings of guilt having a picky eater daughter

I had to deal with my guilt and feeling like I had caused the problem. I had created such a stressful atmosphere around food. My daughter had felt so much pressure to eat she couldn’t bring herself to bring food to her mouth. It took me a long time to let go of this guilt. I should have been kinder to myself, I was doing my best in a situation where I felt completely out of my depth and had no guidance. I made a conscious effort to forgive myself as we moved forward into our new routine. As I noticed small changes I forgave myself more and more until I became proud of the stress-free, less wasteful dinnertimes I had created.

(Don't be too hard on yourself as a parent )

At this point i have to say being a parent isn't easy. Some things you do work some things don't work as well.  Don't be too hard on yourself your children don't come with a manual. 

Where are We Now?

My “little girl” is eleven now. She has two younger brothers and dinnertimes are a lovely way for the family to reconnect after work, school and nursery. Her eating is better, I’d still say she’s still a picky eater but she eats plenty from her plate every night, as do her brothers. It was a long road but I’m so glad we made the changes we did. Everything seems lighter around food. If you’d asked me back then whether I thought I'd ever enjoy sharing a meal with my children I’d have laughed at you but here we are. Things still aren’t perfect though, nuggets and chips are still the only meal everyone will eat! Thank you for reading my blog Dealing with a PICKY EATER in Your Family?.  My name is Hazel and i'm one of the experienced and knowledgeable parents available on Cosychats 

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