Tag Archives: adopted children

Whats Adoption Like

Whats Adoption Like? Our Adoption Experience

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Thinking of Adoption? Read our honest and real experience

This is our Adoption journey.

Whats adoption really like?





Its really life changing. It really is. Its a huge and often overwhelming journey.




Adopted children come with so much baggage. Things that are known and things that aren’t.  You think you are prepared for this but your not.  You think you’re equipped for this but your not.  Prepare to be totally lost, confused and doubting yourself. Life before adoption is very different and in many ways far more simple.




Adoption should not be undertaken lightly. By this I mean are you prepared to upend your whole life?  If not adoption may not be for you.



Adoption is by far the greatest, most challenging and life changing thing we’ve done.

So whats adoption really like?  It tests you and your relationships. It can disrupt and turn your life upside down.  It becomes your life.




There may be no happy families.  Just a family that can stay together. There may not be bonds and happy memories but despite all its challenges adoption is the most amazing thing we’ve done.  It touches emotions you didn’t think you had.  It creates bonds that didn’t seem possible and that can be the best and worst thing.



You aren’t and will never be the birth parents.

You will never have that bond or experience. That can be one of the most gut and heart wrenching experiences.  As much love and attention you give your adopted child you may never repair their early trauma. That child may never truly be able to trust or bond again.  The damage may be too great.  You need to be prepared and accept (sometimes small) degrees of success.








Can you Bond With Adopted Children?

In some ways its like buying and moving to a new house.  Sometimes you just know and other times you have to build and make it your own.  Adoption is similar, you can form an attachment pretty quickly but is this a true bond?  A true bond takes years of understanding and being together.  Its not just you its the child as well.  Their trust and acceptance may take much longer.  You may feel you don’t have any bond with your adopted children even after years of being together. You need to be prepared for this.



Just because you have done so much, given up so much doesn’t mean it has any real impact or affect.

As your adopted children get older and understand their journey more this bond may dip as they seek their birth parents but its surprising how much of a emotional connect can form.  How much your  adopted children become your children and yes their not your birth children but in every other way they are your children.  They are part of you like a jigsaw.



You and them become intertwined in life.

Adopters form safe spaces to allow bonding to occur.  This can be difficult and challenging but over time bonds form.  Sometime very deep rooted and hidden in the child. The child can push back and hurt those closest to them the most but there is a connection in all that darkness.




So yes bonds can form  but it takes a lot of hard work. A lot of trust and commitment. With so many up and downs along the way.  For us the life changing,  demanding and toxic moments have brought us closer together. Repairing past trauma can be incredibly hard and emotionally draining.




Should I Adopt a Child?

The biggest question you may ask yourself.




Adoption is not a next step for people who cannot have children.  Adoption is far more than that.




The first point is you need to be sure and committed.  I don’t mean to wanting children.  I mean to having your life pulled apart by adoption.  To being tested emotionally and physically (adoption is draining).  Think of an SAS training program where the mental desire to continue progresses candidates. Through extremes, total exhaustion and insane challenge which take people totally out of their comfort zone.  You must be able to  progress whatever the challenge because you are changing a child’s life and you have the potential to do more harm than good.



If your not totally committed you could be letting the child down even more and there maybe no come back from this.

Broken relationships that cannot be repaired.  The most damaged children are those that have been in numerous placements and foster homes.    Neglect it so damaging and your child can push back and test you to breaking point, just to prove you will be there for them forever and a day.




So if you start adoption you must be prepared to see it through.  You must have the mental and physical determination to suffer whatever and continue.




Just like the winners on the SAS training program, there is no champagne or prize, Just an embrace and well done but this means more than any trophy or medal.

Adoption is often so much turmoil and hurt without much reward.

Adoption is not a bank your efforts collect interest in and are repaid.  Think of a bucket with a hole in it.  You may have nothing to show for all you effort, apart from the love (possibly) and affection of your child. Which for us is worth more than anything.




If you think you can suffer all this potential upheaval in you life. Putting your life, career, holidays and dreams on hold for these children. Who don’t care and don’t show emotion (masking is very common) then adoption maybe suitable for you.



Adoption is truly a life changing thing to do.

In all its moments of pain and trauma there are nuggets of reward .  Moments of joy and progress.  Moments of love and caring.




These are the moments that we cling onto. The small success that give us hope there is progress.




Every adopter thinks, have we done the right thing?  They’re not being true to themselves if they don’t, its a natural reaction.

Adoption is not right for so many people and that’s absolutely fine. The bravest thing to do is not to adopt if your not willing to make the sacrifices. Not willing to put in the effort and love for often little return.



So should you adopt?

Take a deep look into yourself.  Are you committed and prepared to upend your life.  To suffer extreme emotional stress and pressure knowing the child is testing you to see if you really mean what you say.  Can you be that committed. Can you last the tests and torture.




The rewards are huge but the sacrifice and journey can be so damaging but only you can decide if your able to make the journey and see it through.

If you ever meet an adoptive family I hope you congratulate them on what they have achieved.  Small successes often take a huge amount of work and emotional investment.  Adopters often don’t get thanked and they should.



Every adopter we know is an angel.
Further Blogs





What Adoption Support is There?




Adolescence How To Stop It Happening To Your Family




Positive Role Models For Children




This was written by an adoptive family of over 10 years. Unfortunately we are unable to share pictures or family details but can be contacted though contact@cosychats.com



















Read adopter stories here and here

Adoption Support Fund

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Adoption Support funding has been agreed. Thank God sanity has prevailed but at what cost?
An adoption families experience. 

The Adoption Support fund, funds therapy for our 3 adopted children. Each of our children had a very difficult start to life including suffering neglect distress and significant trauma.

I will talk generally. Their early life experience has scrambled their minds.

  They have difficulty concentrating, learning, sitting still and focusing.

For years they were in a permanent state of fear. Learning and being attentive are difficult.

They have complex emotions and feelings often expressed in anger and hurt to those closest to them.

  Adoptive families are bonded by love, but this love is pushed incredibly hard at times. Therapy is very (vital, lifesaving, imperative) important to us.

Adoption and our our family

We go to a specialized adoption agency linked to the charity Barnardo’s. Our funding equates to a given number of hours for therapy, but the involvement of therapists is so much more than that.

 They have attended meeting, presented a professional opinion and been able to present a professional opinion based of therapy sessions supporting what we see at home. This has been invaluable.  

Two of our children now attend a specialist school for children with anxiety, the other is in mainstream school but in a nurture department. This much needed additional support has been achieved with the support of the adoption support fund and the ability it has provided through therapists and therapists attending meeting. Without it our fight would have been much harder and the impact on our family greater.  

I wouldn’t underestimate this negative impact as at times we have been at crisis, police and paramedics knocking on our door, such was the risk of self-harm being raised.  Adoption Support.

The impact of our therapists has been life changing. 

Therapy does not stop. It is much needed and as our children grow, they experience very difficult times and emotions. Often these can be overwhelming, harming and dangerous and therapy supports us all through this.   Many adopted families suffer, and couples break up due to the often-immense pressure.  

Breaks in therapy can be very damaging.

We can’t control what happens when. When our children (and family) may crash and burn. When we need therapy the most. Therapy deals with very emotional and deep issues often where the child doesn’t understand their own feelings or actions. The trust between the therapist and subject does not happen overnight. It needs to be built over time.  

Adopted children have been let down, trust and bonding is a huge issue. Delays to therapy funding are damaging in themselves. We have stopped our therapy sessions and don’t know when they will re start. We will have a period of ‘getting back into it’.

Delays are unnecessary. 

Adoption Decisions need to be made sooner and quicker.  Delays should not happen. This is not the first-time funding has been delayed. Adopted children and families need support but often don’t get enough. We work with some incredibly dedicated people who go above and beyond for us, but we fight a system that lacks resource to support us.    

We receive no additional benefits or funding. At the point of adoption, we received £500 for cots etc. We love our children dearly. Their presence has changed and enriched our lives beyond comprehension. We don’t ask for or receive any additional handouts. Adoption makes sense financially and for society. It breaks the cycle of neglect. Provides a loving family to children who need it. Creates stability and is cost effective.   Children who are adopted come from the care system.

In financial terms it is far cheaper to fund adoption than keep children in the care/ foster care system,

but adoption is becoming less attractive. Less people are adopting.    Fewer children are joining loving supportive families. Less traumatic childhoods are being repaired.  Adoption delays.  Delays to the adoption support fund do not help.  They don’t help adopted children, adoptive families and children waiting to be adopted.

They present a picture of a government (s) that does not value adoption, adopters or adopted children.

This is not right.  Its counterproductive.    The adoption fund has faults and needs to be reviewed, so do it now ready for next year so there are no breaks in service, and we have certainty.  Adoption Support.

Place the power with the people who deal closest to the children. 

Who understand how best the money should be spent and what benefits the child the most. 

Adoption delays. The Impact of delays to Adoption Support Fund, funding.
 

 
Therapy sessions finish and we don’t know when they’re start or if they re-start.

Once new funding is agreed there is a backlog of applications for new funding.

The system is overwhelmed creating and processing applications.   

Applications must be approved, and another bottle neck happens, without guarantee your application will be approved.

More delays occur.

Adopted children require certainty, not uncertainty.

Crises cannot be meet.

Families are not supported.

Self-harm continues.

Other services cannot step in adequately.  

The world is on hold, but our children are not.  

Delays mean more therapy work must be done, relationships reformed, trust earned again, therapy takes longer, and money spent is less beneficial. 

If there were no breaks and uncertainty therapy would continue, and the money spent would provide greater value.   

Money would not be spent ‘starting again’.  

Due to delays therapists must consider their position. Delays means no funding, not being able to pay their mortgages.  Should working models change?  Go private. Our therapists love their work dearly, but these delays are unacceptable. They cannot have a career where every year they have such uncertainty.  Adoption Support lost. 

This is all so unavoidable.  To the government. Plan in advance.  Speak to adoptive families, social workers, therapists.  See what is required. 

Plan so there isn’t ever a break and uncertainty again.  Spending reviews cost money.  Adoption funding shouldn’t be hard to justify.  It makes social and financial sense.  So, what happens next year?  Delays are avoidable, costly and entirely self-made.  Not system should suffer or work like this.

Families and those supporting them shouldn’t be put through this each year but most importantly the children who have suffered the most difficult start in life, not being able to be cared for, suffering abuse and neglect are once again neglected.  Their needs are not being met, and I can’t understand or justify why.   More needs to be done.  Better planning. Less disruption. More clarity.  There is no excuse for this.    Make the next blog we write be a positive one.

Being an adoptive family is hard enough without this.

 

Our adoptive family.  

We are unable to share personal details or show pictures about us.  Ours is a private life. Where we can strengthen our family bond and deal with the up and downs of life with adopted children. We are more than happy to answer any questions and talk privately contact@cosychats.com. 

Adoption Support Network 

Being an adopter is hard, and you need a strong support network.

Please follow and join the Parents Support Club and 1 2 1 support is available at CosyChats.com  

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Further Blogs Creating Positive Role Models For Children




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