Tag Archives: mental health

A mother surrounded by friends wonder why parenting feels lonely

The Loneliness of Being a Parent That Nobody Tells You About

Adoption, Blog, Kids, New Parents, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Parenting Feels Lonely 

Even When You’re Never Alone

 



Why does parenting feel lonely?  “Parenting can be the loneliest job in the world—surrounded by little voices all day, yet craving to be truly seen, heard, and understood.”

 

Everybody feels lonely at times, and usually, we know how to fix it.

If somebody tells us they feel alone, the advice is often quite easy to give.

Spend some more time with your friends, family, or even work colleagues.

 

And, even if this is impractical, there are still ways you can feel less alone, like Social Media? or other online spaces.

 

Parenting is full of surprises and misconceptions that catch even the most prepared off guard.  Maybe you expected to enjoy every moment of the parenting experience, or that your kids will always react in the ways you expect.



 

For me the biggest surprise of parenting was the loneliness that accompanied it being a parent.

 

“It was during the long bus journeys on school runs, especially on the way back home or returning to fetch him at the end of each day”.

 

“It was in the hours I spent alone while he was at school. Too short a duration to do much but long enough to feel isolated”.

 

“It was in all the moments when I was with my wife but understandably my son needed most of her attention”.

 

“It was every time people asked how my son was but nobody ever asked how my wife or I were feeling”.

 

“And in the earliest parts of raising him, it was the small hours of the morning spent alone feeding and soothing him”.

 

Parenting is a paradox of noise and silence, love and isolation.

 



Or course, it’s hard to discuss these feelings without feeling guilty. How can you have this loneliness paradox when you love them so much and are blessed to have children and family?

 

But maybe this is also part of the reason why you do feel this way. 



 

So how did we end up here, and is there anything you can do?

 

Why Parenting Can Feel Lonely

 

The key to understanding why you feel this way is to know that loneliness is way more complicated than just being alone.

 

In reality, it’s a lot more complicated than this and touches on feelings of being seen, fostering strong connections with like-minded people while having the time and energy to spend enough quality time with people. Children can’t really validate or empathize the way adults can.

 

Long days spent caring for chatty children can feel like too much company. But is it the same as the connection of a date night, a few hours in the pub, your hobbies, or chatting to your good friend at work? You may be talking to your children, are they meeting your individual social needs that came with your personality?

 

There’s then the danger you end up only having conversations about the kids, logistics, routines, and the things that require doing. You never talk about anything deeper.



This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your family, or that you don’t enjoy spending time with them, but as adults we will have many and varied needs.

 

If parenting falls mostly on one parent – because of work, the way roles are traditionally split, or you are a single parent raising a child then the sense of isolation may be much worse. The loss of identity may be deeper, especially if the workload feels unfair.

 

As parents, we will try to seek a balance and still see our adult friends and acquaintances.

I did so myself, but the younger your offspring, and the more of your friends that start their own families, the more it feels like snatched moments and stolen freedoms.

 

That is, if with your friend’s commitments you have the same free-time and the money or energy to use it. Often you will feel guilty leaving your children, or your partner, to babysit alone.

 

Modern lifestyles frequently lead to families and friends living greater distances apart, making time spent together as adults, or the warm support of family, is inevitably rarer.



 

Speaking from my own experiences, as my time as a parent progressed, my identity changed.

 

In fact, as soon as I held my son for the first time, a switch flipped in my head,

and I knew things would never be the same again.

 

The old me, that loved a rock band, a long bike ride or a few beers in the pub, faded into the background.

 

It wasn’t just that I was distracted, worrying my son was OK at home. It just didn’t feel the same any more. It was fun for an hour or so, but soon I wanted to get back to my young family.

 

Eventually, though, you are actually neglecting your individuality, and in the worst cases you are hiding your loneliness by deliberately keeping busy with family.

 

Nobody asks parents how they are, only about the children. This only deepens the sense of isolation.

 

Now my son is older and more independent, I find that I have time to look again at my own needs and work out what to do with any new-found free time.

It’s a chance to reconnect with my own peer group, and re-find my own identity in a way you can’t achieve with a young child.

 

Finally, when parents contrast themselves with other parents both online and off, admitting you are lonely is to admit that you are struggling. You had expectations of how it would feel as a parent, how can you admit you are falling short of this?

 

Society tells parents to be always grateful and never put their hands up to say they are not doing as well as you might think.

 

In the perfectly presented social media world, you feel you should compete with the other parents that make it look just so effortless. How could you possibly admit you are lonely now?

Especially when inevitably you feel guilty about feeling this way.

 

From feeling isolation to a sense of community 

 

Realising that you might be lonely because you are a parent is one thing, improving this is another thing entirely. This is especially true when you need to also work around the limitations that come along with parenting.

 

This meant for me, that after four hours a day on buses taking my son to and from school, caring for him and getting him to sleep, I had limited opportunities to try and prevent feeling lonely,

 

With a bit of creative thinking, teamwork, flexibility and some help from technology it’s possible to lessen the sting of feeling lonely. 

 

It’s often said that it takes a village to raise a child. I heard this advice more than once when I became a dad!

 

 

Strength in Family 

 

Having a team behind you can benefit more than just your children.

With willing friends and family behind, maybe there’s now an option for a date night, or for one parent to have some ‘me time’.

 

This can be win-win more than most parents realise as it gives relatives treasured time with their young relative, and gives you the chance to refresh and reset and to come back as a better parent. 

 

Having some time to yourself is definitely not something to feel guilty or ashamed about as its an important chance to rest and recover,

 

Reconnecting with yourself physically and emotionally is a great way to be the best parent you can be. 

 

Even if you can’t meet up with friends as much because of the challenges of working and parenting, often there is a chance at the end of the day to spend some time with that special someone.

 

If you share your life with a significant other, put some time aside to  reconnect, discuss how your day went and plan to talk about something other than parenthood, however briefly this might be.

 

It’s understandably easy to get into a routine and forget to do this, but it can be a powerful way to not feel quite as lonely.

 

This probably sounds somewhere between ironic and sarcastic considering the topic of this blog, but your own child can be a great remedy too!

 

It becomes more true as they grow older, but if you try to forget for a brief moment that they feel like a weighty responsibility; and that they are an individual thinking and feeling person (just a smaller one) then you have a source of constant conversations.

 

Young children can be good company as they are often very funny and have refreshingly honest viewpoints.

 

Often, on school runs or after scouts night I took my son to the coffee shop and just chatted with him about shared interests – as a young person, not just as my child.  

 

Micro connections

 

If, as parents, we are short of time, money and energy to combat loneliness then we can choose to  accept this and embrace the opportunities that we do have.

 

Although technology is blamed for a lot of modern harms, especially for children; it can be very useful socially.

 

Even if it’s late at night, or you are rushing during a school run, a mobile phone means you can still text friends and acquaintances. Most people always have their phone with them.



 

Aside from this you could interact on social media, have a quick gaming session with a friend or listen to podcasts that reconnect you to the wider world.

 

Briefly socialising doesn’t have to be just digital or virtual as we can also hopefully grab moments in different ways. They might just have to be adapted to your new  lifestyle as a parent.

 

This can mean socialising locally to where you live much more often and hanging out with people that are also in that same parenting boat.

 

I personally found myself spending more time with friends living locally to me, or having a coffee with groups of parents during the  school run.

 

Solutions not shame 

 

Whatever works for you, especially while you are working on parental loneliness, it is vital to not feel ashamed.

Feeling embarrassed or isolated can only hinder you from connecting with the wider adult world and realising just how many parents feel this way. When I ignored any stigma and spoke to other parents about how I felt, it felt like a weight lifted and we were able to find solutions together.

 

Feeling lonely does not mean that you do not love your children, it just means you have other needs as a parent.

 

Embracing these feelings also stops resentment from building, which is toxic for you and your whole family.

 

Hobbies

 

Remembering who you are, even for a few snatched moments, is a great way to tackle loneliness. Oddly even doing something alone can have a  positive effect on loneliness because it can also be about reclaiming your identity and having space to feel like you.



 

Furthermore, hobbies have the potential to grow friendship circles based on mutual interests.

 


Summing up

 

The reason I think I found some aspects of parenting to be challenging and why many parents have harder periods is because it is all such a big surprise.



 

Perhaps the most repeated parental cliche is that there is no manual for being a parent.


Feeling lonely then, is a huge surprise because we did not expect it. 

 

Like me, you probably saw families as the way people nurture the strongest sense of belonging.

 

A belonging that can last a lifetime.


But we did not realise that a family is different to the company you get from relationships like friendships with peers.

 

Parenthood is a responsibility and, mostly, young children can’t give the same feelings or empathy, and nor should they. 

 

The stress and upheaval of parenthood can take away your identity and make you start to chase being busy to not feel lonely – and end up trapped in a rut.

 

My parental loneliness came mostly in my son’s intense early years, and this is when it can be hardest to deal with.

 

Fortunately I had family to help give my wife and I small breaks, and  I found local friends. Because I have always loved technology I learned to find ways to communicate with people in other ways, and to enjoy my hobbies in smaller doses.

 

The key is to realise that, like many things in parenting, challenges come in different quickly passing chapters, and that you are not alone in sometimes feeling alone..

 

If you want to talk about this or any other parenting issues, please feel free to contact me on CosyChats. My name is Andrew and I’m a father from Leicester-shire in the UK.  

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A parent protesting about not being listened to about school support

Are Schools IGNORING Parents’ Concerns?

Kids, School, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When it comes to school support are schools ignoring parents concerns?

In our experience its and overwhelming yes and its bl__dy frustrating!!!

This is our experience, your school and experience may be different (we hope it is).  The schools we interacted with where both outstanding rated.

I’m Not Being Listened To By My Child’s School.

Let set down exactly what we mean.  Our children were displaying different behaviours at school to home.  Nothing unusual or concerning about that you say?  Well there is.

Girls especially are good at masking.

Getting to school was a nightmare.  Lots of tears, push back and emotion.  The morning routine became a horrible chore of distress and anxiety. This was a horrible and draining way to start the day.  We dreaded mornings but every day we got them up and at least one would have a melt down.  That the way it was.

Screaming Stops at the school gates.

The school didn’t see this as when we got near the school gates the children would ‘calm’ and turn into robots.  it was so sad to see.   At school they were outwardly model students and  quietly just got on with it.  In  reality they were just masking.  Turning into statues so no one would notice them but all the time rage was building up.

The Angry Child Erupts The Moment they walk through the door from school.

Once their back from school the anger comes out and it was unleashed on mum.  This is a horrible and very hurtful thing to endure even if you understand they only do this because the feel safe enough to do it.

The lack of joined up approach from school.

We spoke to our children and they spoke of the pressure of school.  Learning was too difficult.  School too noisy and chaotic. When you say things like this to schools it can get their backs up straight away and they go on the defensive citing all manner of things.

School Support  – Reality 

The children have never come to us and said this – they won’t their far to scared to do that.

They look fine at school – their just masking fear and anxiety 

We don’t see any of that behaviour – see above

We can’t do anything if we don’t see the behaviour – I feel like you don’t believe me.

Our hands are tied – Are they really? 

What Does It Feel Like when Schools Don’t Accept Your Comments or Worse Effectively Ignore You.

You sit in a meeting and share your feedback on what your child is like at home. What the morning school run and after school child is like.  The extremes of behaviour, anxiety and sadness.  The angry or deflated robot child.

You share this to tell the school what is happening.  Inform them of the behaviour with the expectation this will make a difference and they will take notice and make allowances for your child at school but they don’t.  The head of year or whoever it is looks at you and say something like ‘that’s surprising as we don’t see that behaviour at school’.

Why don’t schools believe parents?

We’ve sat in meeting where they’ve asked whats going on at home.  Is there something else happening that would explaining the behaviour.

To an outsider this might sound reasonable as they don’t see the behaviour in school but its not.  As a parent you don’t feel believed.  that you don’t know your own children and this is incredibly annoying and frustrating.

School support can impact home life and schools don’t ways recognise this.

Schools don’t want to accept or create issues they don’t see.

Schools can be reluctant to hear you. They don’t want to create issues that don’t exist for them.  What happens at school is different to home.  They say the right things about being joined up with parents but it doesn’t work in practice.

This just makes your blood boil and its easy to get annoyed and emotional.  Its too much.  You can see the bahaviour at home and that the school need to make allowances but the message isn’t getting through.

That horrible moment when you know nothing is going to change and school support isn’t forthcoming.

At That moment you can feel the floor opening up and you falling in. If school doesn’t believe you nothing will change.  You and you child will continue the cycle of pain and emotion.

Its so bl__dy frustrating and draining. Being a parent is hard enough without having to fight schools to get the help and support your child needs and would Benefit from.

Is OFSTED To Blame as Schools Hide behind their OFSTED rating.

One strange thing was the school repeating back their OFSTED rating to us.  You know we are an Outstanding school.  Like this solves your child’s problem.  It doesn’t and schools are quick to point this out. Their right and your wrong.

The schools (both Outstanding Rated) put a lot of faith in the outstanding rating and yes its good but it doesn’t mean the school is always right.  It doesn’t mean the school knows everything. It doesn’t mean they know and understand your child.

In our experience outstanding can be running a tight ship to keep the outstanding but it can also be not wanting anything to put that rating at risk.  Not wanting to accept faults in the school or the system. How can there be as we got an outstanding rating?

Primary schools don’t want to tackle problems and cite age.  They’re too young or they’ll grow out of it.  Kicking the can down the road to secondary schools.

This is our understanding and perception.

Keep Your Cool

In our experience the worst thing you can do is lose your cool.  Its very hard not to when your not being heard but losing your cool doesn’t help. In fact it just reinforces the idea that there must be more going on here and  weakens your argument.  You feel your access to school support slip away even more.

You become (or feel) labelled as a disruptive parent.

What to do when schools don’t listen.

Don’t give up.  Share videos of home behaviour.  Get professional assessments (Difficult we know) as evidence counts.  Schools listen more to professionals.  Schools should support you and recognise the home behaviour for what it is.  Not bad behaviour but a child being overwhelmed. Schools can give brain breaks and allocate hall passes to allow movement during quieter times.  These simple things helped our children but they took alot.

Don’t ever feel you are an inconvenience. Put your child’s view across and make it the schools problem as well. Not in an unreasonable way but in a way that presents the problem and what you want as a solution.

Schools understandably don’t like being flexible but one size doesn’t fit every child.

Do Schools need to see the behaviour to allocate School Support?

If our experience yes.  Schools don’t listen to parents where they behaviour isn’t being repeated at school.  We took videos and audio and shared that with the school but while they acknowledge the behaviour at home this doesn’t mean school support is forthcoming but the videos did help soften their approach.

Finding the right person.

Like many things in life finding the right person really helps.  The person who gets it and understands the problem.  We did this by having meetings with the school. Explaining the situation, our frustration and showing them videos of our children having melt downs and anger out bursts.

Get professionals to agree with you.  Get an EHCP if you can.

Schools can listen more to professionals or its more difficult for them to ignore you when a professional agrees with you.  Our experience is the latter. Get an EHCP is you can.  Yes it can be difficult but it puts a clear requirement on the school and if that school can’t meet the ECHP requirement you can seek alternatives.

An ECHP should give you eligibility to more school support.

Keep notes.  Send Emails

Put your lawyers hat on.  Make a record of events at home to find a connection with school.  Changing for PE was a trigger for our child.  Note interactions with school and the local authority.  note when you raised concerns and if its verbally send an email confirming the conversation / concern.  Its more difficult for the school to deny responsibility when you have an audit trail.  This sounds difficult but its all possible and its so worth it if your school says they didn’t know and you can produce evidence of them being told and concerns raised especially if your specific.

If Schools Listened and were more flexible.

It seems a better solution for schools to listen to parents more.  We understand our children and have an idea what they need and what things trigger them.  We understand schools are challenging and they provide the building blocks of life but sometimes small changes and provisions can make a big difference.

Using a laptop instead of a pen/pencil.

Having Brain Breaks.

Having a hall pass to move at quieter times.

Doing a reduced timetable when it get too much.

Getting help is vital!!!.

For us the key was getting help.  Getting people who understand what we were saying and most notably understood how schools can behave.  How they can shut themselves off to parents input.

We got support, help and direction.  We collected evidence and times.  We presented it in meetings.  We kept raising the issues.  We feedback quickly and feedback from our children.  We made it difficult for them to ignore our concerns. Difficult not to give us school support.

Its very demoralising sitting in a school meeting and not being heard when you know your right.  Sometimes just having someone say they understand and your right is enough to relight that fire in you and go back to the school.

Please Don’t Give UP

We know its hard.  We know its emotional and draining but if your in that same situation or similar of not being believed.  Not being  understood.  Don’t give up.  Your children will suffer and life is too short to be unhappy.

CosyChats was set up to share the experience and knowledge of parents.  To make life easier for parents.    There are many parents on Cosy Chats who have been through  the hardship of dealing with Schools CAMHS.

Please get the help and school support you need.

 

 

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Home or Alternative Schooling

We did spend a lot of time in meetings and there were people in the school who eventually were being accommodating and more flexible but sometimes you have to realise mainstream school isn’t right for your child.

For us a smaller more flexible school was more suitable.

The is a big decision as mainstream schools offer so much more that smaller schools but school support is easier in a smaller setting.  Yes they’re overwhelming but sometimes its best to stick it out.  Strange to say that given everything we’ve said above but its true a smaller more flexible school might be easier for your child but its not going to be as challenging (academically) or as rich a social experience.  Stating the obvious they are for children with anxiety and social limitations.  This may not be the right environment for your child.  In our experience it wasn’t a perfect solution.

Home Schooling

For some children this works  but again we don’t think its the perfect solution.  Hours are less. Social interaction less and you are reliant on the tutor forming a nurturing relationship with your child.

 

Our Story

We ended up with a three school solution’s smaller school, home schooling and more nurturing provision within secondary school.  This took a lot of meetings and discussion. The secondary school was more flexible and with our third child reacted quickly to our concerns.

There are teachers who dismissed our concerns early on and cause untold additional work and heartache and teachers who where so determined to help us and our children they went above and beyond and to them and the school support they instigated we are forever grateful.  We hope our experience helps parents but also helps schools understand and be more open and accepting of parents input.

Schools lead to college and adult life.  The problems don’t disappear they just change.

We are an adopted family from Essex.  To preserve our children’s privacy and life we do not share any personal details.

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A dad forcing his child to follow his dreams

ARE You FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Instead of Theirs?

Kids, Teenagers, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Follow your dreams and be happy.  We all want this for our child don’t we? Sometimes our own dreams and expectations are put in front of our child’s dreams and this can be damaging.

That first goal scored, that first time they drive away in their own car.


The first time they bring their first love home with them


The wedding day, or the day they graduate university

When we find out we are going to be parents, often we are carried away with excitement.


Images of what they will become flash though our minds


We are overwhelmed by imagining them riding a bike, winning a football game, buying you the first legal drink or them getting married.

Of course, we want the best for our children but when do our ambitions for them become about us, and not them?

When do they do more harm than good?

If you want to discover the sort of ambitions parents have for their children, and when this becomes harmful, then this blog was written for you.

When ambitions for your children can be helpful.

Some of the things we want for our children as parents are perfectly good investments in their futures. There are things that mainly only have positive outcomes.


Things like getting into the best school, healthy habits like eating the right foods and getting enough sleep. We want them to have healthy relationships and plenty of friends.


Basically, we want to give them the best foundations to be happy and live a fulfilling life.


Maybe this is seeing them learn to drive, be in a school production or watching them develop a kind, caring personality. We tell them ‘follow your dreams’.

As parents this is what we’re supposed to do, guide them to success?

But what happens when this drive becomes too much for the child, should we as parents ignore this cause we know best?

The other kinds of ambition. Don’t follow your dreams, follow mine.

The dreams we have for our children become dangerous
when they become more about us than them.

We do it for many reasons, but usually it is with the best intentions.

Sometimes it is us projecting our dreams onto our children, sporting, academic or jobs.

Maybe we want them to make choices that are less risky, but still make them unhappy.

Often we steer them towards the things that worked well for us in life, such as career choice.


When we find out they have a particular talent, it can be tempting to nurture it, even when they don’t enjoy it.

Or the desire for a larger continuing family motivates your subtle, or less subtle, hints for them to make you grandparents someday.

In my family, we are the sort of people that like a book and a good quiz, so we have to be careful not to expect our son to be the same.

Although he is good academically he does not enjoy it, he prefers computer games to books and prefers being out with friends to a board game.

If he wants to study beyond 18 then it has to come from him. If you don’t enjoy traditional academia, then forcing it will soon make it unpleasant for him and hard to sustain and still do well.


This all sounds reasonable but will he grow older and question why we didn’t push him more?

Why projecting your version of success in life can be damaging.

When you think about what happens to children when they have ambitions pushed upon them, it’s probably easy to think of the initial general negative side effects.

Of course, it starts with the tension and arguments when you first start to make it happen. Then maybe the ultimate cliché of an unhappy son working a lifetime in medicine or law when they wanted to be a journalist or actor! Maybe one day they’ll be thankful for the financial security or maybe they’ll hate the job and lead an unfulfilled life. Follow your dreams, ringing in their ears.

A house full of tension and resentment.

The less obvious side effect may be the underlying tension and arguments created in your household, which may in turn damage other family members well-being and put a strain on relationships and trust


.
It’s possible your children feel they just have to please you, and consequently be afraid to share how they really feel.

Is this really what you want? Are you really doing the best for your children? It’s easy to feel you are and when the child grows these feelings will disappear but they could be bitter and resent you for years.

Should we choose our child’s career path?

When we choose our children’s path for them, then aside from losing the option to decide, they may also never learn how to. They may never learn what they really want by investigating and making their own mistakes.

Also, they may not even learn the skills or get the confidence to weigh up choices and pick directions when standing at life’s many crossroads.

With your steering the ship for them, later in life they may have less motivation to pursue their own future goals.

If they do find success on the path you decided, it will not bring them the satisfaction of victory.

It can only feel empty as your goal. Follow your dreams long forgotten.

And maybe this is the main point, you will rob them of the chance to find their own path.

Possibly, you may also lose opportunities to explore new avenues for yourself when you witness their exploration.

When a child is locked into your ambition, they may never uncover strengths or skills in areas you never considered.

Summary

As parents, we strive to protect our children, to give them a better life than our own.

But just as we must watch them fall as they learn to walk, we must also learn to let them steer their own ship.

Our role is to guide and support. To provide stability and help if things don’t quite go to plan.

“The most beautiful butterflies are the opens that emerge from the chrysalis by themselves”

I’m sure there are parents though who feel they know best. That drawing on their wisdom and life experience they know more than the child. They are guiding the child to success.

These parents feel they are doing the best they can for their child. Not allowing them to waste their time on dreams that probably won’t come true.

The Compromise

Is there a compromise here? Can you support your child in what they want to do and guide them at the same time. I think so. Be supportive but not overpowering.

Talk To Your Child

For me the biggest thing is to talk to your child. Let them express their feelings and dreams. Be open and listen to what they want. Don’t force your dreams or version of success.

Life is too Short To Be Unhappy.

My Name is Drew and I’m a parent in the UK. Bringing up children isn’t easy and there are lots of decisions to be made but you don’t have to make all of them.

CosyChats is a Parenting Collective full of wonderful parents who have a vast experience of bringing up a family and how hard that can be. I’m on Cosy Chats and you can book some time with me to discuss any aspect of parenting. Browse the other parents and find the best one for you.

 

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Parents discussing why they are bickering so much now they have kids

Why Do We FIGHT So Much NOW That We Have KIDS?

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Why Are We Bickering So Much?

You promised yourselves you’d never argue in front of the kids, but suddenly you’re bickering about little things and your children’s ears are picking up every word.
Do We FIGHT More As PARENTS Now Than Before Having Kids?
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Are you tired of feeling like you’re constantly at odds with your partner since having kids? You’re not alone! Many couples experience an increase in conflict after having children, and it’s not because they’re bad partners, parents or people.

In this blog we’re exploring the reasons behind why we fight so much more now that we have kids. From the added stress and responsibilities of parenthood to the changes in our relationships and identities, we’re exploring the common causes of conflict and offering practical tips on how to navigate these challenges and strengthen your relationship.

If you’re ready to stop fighting and bickering and ready to start connecting with your partner again then read on!

Before having children, in those early stress-free days of marriage, I don’t remember many arguments.


The worst disagreements were because I spent too much time in the pub, or I forgot to get an anniversary card, and the most frequent argument was probably about the TV remote.

For me,

 “Life is just too short to spend it arguing”. 

It was always just better to put your cards on the table and find a compromise. Never go to bed on an argument.

What a surprise it was then to have the arguments I’ve had since having children.

Suddenly things get a lot more heated, and a lot more often.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep.

Maybe it’s because babies  just won’t stop crying.



Maybe it’s because it just never ends.

Do Kids CHANGE Your Relationship Forever?

I think the real reason, the underlying cause for the intensity and bickering, is that it’s the most significant role you have ever had. Your anchored to your child. You probably spend more practical time together and less fun time.  The old carefree abandon days disappear and your life changes.  This is a good thing but it creates more opportunity for argument and bickering.  There is more to think about and more to disagree on.  

Yes, being tired isn’t helping, nor is the constant stress. Sometimes you bring your ideas about how things should be done from your own childhood, or you realise just how strongly you feel about an issue. Bringing up a child is hard work and you do a lot for your children. You need to do a lot. There’s lots of opportunities to disagree and bicker over simple things. 

But the times we get angry or passionate the most about something is when we care the most.

Even when we know this some parenting disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them could shape your child’s sense of security for years to come.

Can Family Harmony SURVIVE When You Are Bickering So Much?

What’s the best way to handle disagreements and do the best for your family?

For me, the first step in any argument is to stay respectful and listen to each other’s opinions. Do this apart from your children whenever possible, as it’s better than constantly bickering in front of them.  Being a parent can be chaotic and staying calm is difficult.  Learn to step back and breathe. Don’t let bickering escalate.  Step back and think about what you are disagreeing about and how you can resolve it.  Sometimes taking a minute to breathe can help so much.  Taking the emotion out really helps.

Prevent PETTY Arguments and Bickering in Your Family for GOOD?

Discussing things in advance allows a more harmonious, unified approach as parents. Agree an approach and stick to it.  Try to predict issues and agree solutions. 

Spending quality time together as a couple and a family helps build stronger foundations.  It helps you connect together and keep that communications going.  Going for a walk together is a great way of communicating and resolving.  Walking engages your brain and the physical movement of walking regulates your body and heart beat. 

Letting your child know that a difference of opinion is normal. People argue. I’m sure your children are bickering all the time.  Being able to resolve an arguments is a life skill and there will always be arguments in healthy relationships.  This is different to losing your cool, shouting and actual fighting goes beyond this and will last long long in your children’s memory. 

Adult life has arguments in it. This is normal, and your children will grow up having disagreements;it can be an opportunity to learn what a healthy row looks like. That its OK to have an argument.  Hopefully a calm and reasoned one but if not an argument that happened and you moved on from.  

By resolving the arguments you should reduce the bickering.  With more cohesion and harmony you should feel less inclined to bicker.

And finally, in the end, you can hopefully find a compromise that makes everyone feel happier.

Since I started doing this, we have had mostly shorter and smaller arguments. The arguments are less intense but were not looking to remove all arguments. This wouldn’t be healthy, more manage the ones we have. 

How to argue, healthily
Argue SMARTER Not Harder with Your Kids!

Everybody argues but excessive arguing and bickering isn’t healthy. 

In fact, like me, you might find you argue with your teenager more than you ever did with your partner!

Because it’s normal, maybe arguments should be seen as an opportunity to model what a healthy disagreement looks like to your children.

Knowing how to stay respectful, fair and keeping it about the topic and not making it personal are all useful skills that come up in all aspects of life, not just in families.

The fastest way to solve an argument is to make the other person feel like you are listening, that they are heard.

Listen twice as much as you speak because you were born with two ears and one mouth.

When you both feel you understand each other and aren’t just casually dismissing a viewpoint, you can come to a solution much faster and not make it about your individual egos.

What Does Your Child REALLY Think During an Argument?

When you find it hard to meet in the middle sometimes it can be helpful to ask a third party. They might have a different viewpoint that you didn’t consider. They can also sometimes act as a referee.

This can be a family friend, relative, or someone with expertise in the field you are in conflict over. For example: a teacher but sometimes the best person is your child. 

Getting your child’s viewpoint in an argument?

Is this a good idea or can of worms?  They need the maturity for this role although your child can usually add their viewpoint as it probably affects them. 

Of course, if it’s about bedtimes or how much chocolate they eat, you should be careful how much you listen to them but its quite refreshing and empowering for your child to have this power.  It Gives your child a voice at the table and presents their view. 

You need to be mindful of bringing your child into every argument but we’ve found asking for our children’s view really helps.  Sometimes were arguing as parents over something the children have clear views on and after listening to them we all agreed. Which resolved the argument far quicker.  By the same token sometimes our children’s input adds to the argument and if we don’t agree then were not listening to them, so its fraught with problems but worth giving it a go.  It might be painful at times but it can be beneficial.

Compromise.

After listening to each other, and after maybe listening to other people’s opinions, perhaps you see another option.

Maybe you feel differently about the argument, maybe it feels less important to you after all.

The best option could actually be a middle way. A compromise.

Is a COMPROMISE the BEST way to solve an argument?
Is Arguing Really Worth the Damage?

Sometimes you just have to lose the argument.

Sadly, there will always be arguments where someone has to lose.

The ones where there is no middle ground.

No compromises.

The argument just gets more personal. More destructive. Your bickering more and the bad feeling is affecting those around you. 

Being at home can even start to become unpleasant for everyone.

Maybe then it’s time to ask yourself,

Is it worth it?

Is ‘losing’ the argument worse than having the argument and bickering?

Is it better to swallow your pride and concede defeat?

Is it worth making everyone in your home miserable and missing the bigger picture?

Sometimes you might even find you were actually more wrong than right.

Good parenting can be all about the discoveries you make  and staying flexible.

 Comprise isn’t defeat or a loss.  Its a compromise.  Its thinking there is not way to resolve the argument the way i want so there must be compromise for everyone’s sake.  Arguments happen but they can’t be left to fester unresolved. Its far better to reach a result and move on.  

I look back on some of the arguments we’ve had thinking about what really were we arguing about?  Time makes arguments trivial and forgettable.  Compromises don’t seem too bad but the family happiness and co-hes-ion is what matters.

Sometimes arguments are more difficult to resolve
The toughest arguments.

Probably the most challenging disagreement I had raising my son I did not see coming.

Maybe that was part of why it was a difficult argument.

Also, as an argument about deep personal beliefs and upbringing, the volume was turned up high on the debate.

Differences of opinion on religion were always going to be hard.

So when my wife said to me, we should have a christening after my son was born, there was immediately a lump in my throat,

I respected her opinion, but it has always been important to me that my son took his own decisions and I did not make them for him.

The day he was old enough to decide for himself, I would be ordering a cake and planning a party if that’s what he wanted.

How do you work with such a big difference of opinion?

In some arguments, and this turned out to be one, it can be a good idea to talk to other people, maybe experts in a field.

For us, this was inviting a vicar to our house to talk about our concerns.

And finally, in the end, you can hopefully find a compromise that makes everyone a bit happier. In the end, this is what happened. We had a church blessing and a party afterwards.

Since then, we have had other, mostly smaller, arguments.

Mostly lately it is about how much independence to give my adolescent son.

The compromise is to always know here he is, to have curfews, and to insist he never comes back home late alone.

It became about talking to him more about what is safe and then trusting him.

Conclusions – Next Steps

Arguments and bickering is natural and sometimes healthy but when it becomes too frequent, too extreme or too emotional it becomes toxic. It has a negative impact on you and your family. You Need to recognise this and take control. Like isn’t always sunshine and roses but bringing up children in a healthy environment environment is what we want to do as parents. This isn’t easy but recognising your behaviour and the impact i has on your family and children is the first step.

I’m Here If You want to Talk to Me or one of the other parents on CosyChats. Simply make a booking and start the conversation.

We understand, don’t judge and are here for you. Browse mine and other profiles and find the right person for you.

 

😟😟Are You Drowning in Parenting Chaos?😟😟
PARENTING IS HARD, IT’S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP!

⏩ We have LIMITED FREE SPACES for our Start-Up COSYCHATS.com.

🙌 Whether you’re a new or established parent we ALL need help. We offer Guilt/Judgement Free, Confidential, Supportive, Tailored 1-2-1 CosyChats, with Experienced and Knowledgeable REAL Parents.

📞 Please WhatsApp or Message us and we will arrange everything for you. If you prefer you can visit COSYCHATS.com and book directly.

🦺 Cosychats Support Sessions are provided via Zoom (or the like) for your comfort and from your chosen safe space. No personal details are required

👵 Parents on CosyChats have a wide experience and knowledge and can assist in many different areas. They can listen, hear you, share their experience and knowledge or just be a listening ear and shoulder to seek comfort from.

❤️‍🩹 We hope you enjoy and benefit from this service. If you require any further information please message us. Kind Regards CosyChats.com Free spaces are limited subject to approval.

We’re passionate about parenting and being the best parents we can for our children. People say children grow up so quickly, and its SO TRUE but also Years fly but days can drag. We know and understand parenting and want to share our experience and knowledge to help you.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.

Find the right parent (CosyChatter) for you book a session and start the chat.

Contact US

If you need any help at all please email us at contact@cosychats.com or message us through our socials.

PARENTING IS HARD, IT'S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP!

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