“One More or Just One? Navigating the Second Child Decision”
The Big Question is should you have another child. Possibly the biggest question for parents. Children aren’t like cars. Should you have another child is not a question you answer lightly.
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Our life with one child
Whatever I felt about it, and however prepared I was, raising a child fell like one big
roller coaster.
There are the highs when you have that big grin on your face, and just as in life, this is when
the pictures that people see are taken. Then there are the lows when you just want that part to be over and maybe even wish you could get off the roller coaster ride.
When I thought, ‘Should you have another child?’
It was during the golden moments that sometimes I would wonder
“Should we have another child? “
Sometimes these times come out of the blue, and many times they were entirely predictable. Christmas and birthdays, family parties, the milestones like the first words or steps and that first day at school.
For me, they could come from sad realisations, too, like when you talk to your own siblings
and realise your only child won’t have that in life. Or when you take them on holiday, and
they are surrounded by only fully grown adult relatives.
Occasionally I felt it when feeling proud of something my son did, would it be so bad to make another person like this?
But inevitably after that golden or sad moment, you will remember the highs and lows,
challenges and triumphs of raising your existing children.
People are having smaller families.
Recent statistics have proven that fewer people are choosing to have bigger families, even
to the point that there aren’t enough people born to replace the previous generation.
Recently the UK Education Secretary has commented in the national press about this:
“A trend which has worrying repercussions for society in the future, but tells a story,
heartbreakingly, about the dashed dreams of many families”.
She went on:
“It’s why I want more young people to have children, if they so choose; to realise the
ordinary aspiration so many share, to create the moments and memories that make our lives fulfilling: having children, seeing them take their first steps, dropping them off at their first day at school, guiding them on their journey into the world of work or taking them to university for the first time.”
Bridget Phillipson
Labour Education Secretary
June 2025
And this is what this blog is about, delving into the possible reasons, balancing the
roller coaster and deciding what is best for you and your family going forward.
What i Thought about when deciding, should you have another child?
I think the factors that I focused on when deciding to have more children were generally
divided between my experiences raising my son, my current life situation and how I wanted things to be in the future.
You can generally see them as coming under various categories
The Negatives of having more children
Childbirth Trauma and Fertility
Even now, if I hear the sound of a baby heart monitor, my blood runs cold.
Everybody has different experiences bringing their child into the world, and although I count mine as a smoother process than some parents, it was still an ordeal. We were at the
hospital for two whole days, and it ended in an emergency caesarian section. My son was
fortunately absolutely fine, but it was a long, stressful weekend, and my wife then needed to recover from the surgery.
This is something that flashes back into my mind whenever I longed for more children.
As a stay home dad, I was also in the position to hear from many other mothers I met about better and worse experiences. Some people I know still have physical or emotional consequences now.
Miscarriage
About a quarter of women will sadly experience miscarriage on their journey to having
children, and as a deeply traumatic experience it can’t help but factor in how you feel about trying for further children.
Another issue can be that 14% of couples in the UK will go through fertility issues and would have to decide to go through the emotional and often financial
roller coaster of trying to conceive.
Maternity units
Furthermore, a 2023 BBC analysis of CQC data reported that 67% of England’s maternity
units were rated as “requires improvement” or “inadequate” for safety, undermining further faith in having another child.
Financial concerns
I had times as a stay home dad when, especially late in the month before paydays, money
could start to run short. Usually it was nappies or baby milk, but later as my son got older
than it could be for other things. School uniform was a big one or school trips and constantly replacing clothes as he grew. Fortunately, as a family we always found a way, and that could include taking help sometimes from family.
Since 2021 there has been a cost of living crisis in the UK, bringing high inflation and bigger
bills. Over half of parents polled by Barnardo’s in 2024 reporting cuts to family food
spending. Among families with lower incomes, 85% of families with three or more children
went without essentials like food or heating.
Parents want to give their children the best possible start in life, and if you include increasing job insecurity, it is no surprise that finances is a big reason people worry about having larger families.
Housing
My son spent the first decade of his life in a smaller two-bedroom house near East London.
I found out during COVID-19, as a lot of parents learned, that quality home space has a big
impact on how well you can parent children way further than just having the room for all your children to sleep comfortably.
The typical UK three-bedroom house in 2025 is £240,000. To rent the same house costs on
average £1,287. As these are just averages, it’s easy to see why it’s hard to expand your
family beyond one or two children for many families.
This was definitely the case for me. I count myself lucky that we had a garden and my son
had a room to himself. But choosing to have a second child, or to do any fostering, as I really wanted, meant children sharing a room in an increasingly cramped house.
Including all the extra costs, like moving, possible extra council tax and insurance., extra
commuting or heating, it can seem an even more intimidating change.
The UK housing market became increasingly frustrating to me. It is already a challenge and
balancing act to live near work or family and afford a house of reasonable quality.
British parents face a minefield to find quality housing near work or family and friends that
have the space while still being affordable.
Timing and body clock
The average age that a woman in the UK has her first child is currently 29.6. People are
marrying and having children later in life for many reasons, and it can often be the case that they feel it is too late to have more children.
Chasing my son around soft-play centres and parks I can tell you first-hand that raising
children requires energy that you might start to lack the closer you get to middle age.
As women also are more likely to have complications in childbirth or lower fertility after 35
then this can only increase this apprehension, especially if the first pregnancy was difficult.
Career
As my son reached secondary school age, I started looking to rebuild my career.
Being a stay home dad meant that I did not have much free time or flexibility to work a
normal full-time job. School runs, looking after a household and caring for him in-between
took up the bulk of my time.
It’s very frustrating that, as is the case with a lot of parents, having a gap on your work
record can be a barrier to restarting your career. Thinking about having a second child,
especially if it’s with a gap after your first, means accepting a longer period away from being able to commit to a full-time job. Unfortunately, this can make it even harder, and dissuade you from having further children.
Personal struggles
Like many parents, and as someone prone to mental health issues, I found raising my son to be emotional challenging.
Maybe more often than some parents, I had moments where I
needed to seek support or take help from a relative.
It’s common with people that go through periods of poor mental health to avoid the
circumstances they feel led to it happening. This can be stressful work, difficulties with
home, or relationships with family members.
It’s also not untypical for parents to undergo periods of postnatal depression, with 1 in 10 of mothers going through this after childbirth.
The general situations of life are usually things that can be circumvented, but when you
become a parent it is usually a problem you have to live with, rather than change.
Fortunately because I found raising my son to be worthwhile, the challenges I had felt a
sacrifice I was happy to make. However when I contemplated having more children, the
thought of going through them again was incredibly daunting.
I can only imagine if you have this situation alongside other issues such as housing or
financial issues, then it would feel so much of a tough prospect.
Altered family dynamics
Occasionally, as a parent to an only child, there were moments spent with my son when I
was glad I could give him my absolute full attention. I’m sure of course that there are also
many downsides to this. There are many positives in having larger families, but in a purely
selfish way, I cherished the one to one bond I had with my young son. Sometimes I worried if it was even possible to give more than one child the level of attention necessary, and what if the second child changed this dynamic for the worse.
What if the siblings didn’t get on, or I struggled with giving them all enough time? These are the worries you might go through about having a larger family.
Sometimes you and your partner might also feel differently about having a larger family
because you feel differently about changing this dynamic. You may be enthusiastic to take
on the challenges of a larger family, while they are happy to leave things as they are and
return to a more spontaneous adult life, This in itself can cause tension and resentments.
Childcare
For my family, it made the most financial and practical sense for me to provide the childcare for my young son.
As I aim to rebuild a career, it is a strong factor in deciding to have more
children or not.
After September 2025, the UK government is offering thirty hours a week free childcare for
children over nine months old. With both parents working, you will still need to find as much as £5,614 a year per child. Some parents don’t like using formal childcare and would prefer to care for them personally, while some rely on grandparents.
The worry for parents considering having a larger family may come from finding quality local childcare and affording this care. Over 70,000 new places will be needed to meet the extra demand in 2025. They might also now not have the ability to raise them personally or with grandparent support, as they may have done with the first child.
Free-Time
Having children makes big demands on your time and resources in ways that I never really
understood until I lived it. Oddly, I felt it most as my son became a teenager and the freedom came back in pieces. Partly I actually missed the parenting experience, but It’s very liberating to have nights out again, to do what you want when you want.
If you comfort yourself during the long sleepless nights of holding your restless infant with
thoughts of a world cruise or trips to the pub, then having further children would be a big
barrier to this escapism.
Truthfully, though, going on holiday with my teenage son is much easier, and also very
rewarding.
Health
Deciding to have a larger family depends so much on personal circumstances.
One of the biggest considerations is definitely health. Maybe since your first child, your
parents’ health is worse, and they cannot help in the way you rely on or you are now caring
for them.
Your partner or you have become ill, or your existing condition has worsened. Another very
strong factor can be that your existing child has a disability that requires so much of your
time that you simply couldn’t feasibly have more children. There is also the worry of some
parents over the increase in neurodiversity diagnosis in young people and if they could cope with an affected child.
Cultural Norms
In life, so much of what we do comes with judgement, from what we wear, to what we say to how we live. Even then, something as personal a life choice as how many children you have comes with added stigma. As a married couple, if you have not had a child then people, often relatives, may subtly question when you will.
On the flip side of the coin, if you have several children, society may question your ability to raise them well, financially or practically.
Maybe you will be seen as reckless or selfish, a drain on the state. Lately, you could be
accused of ignoring the climate crisis, and adding to overpopulation.
Having children is a very personal choice, but stigma can sometimes prevent people from
having the larger family they actually wanted.
Global Events
I find switching on the news at the moment a gamble with my mood or sometimes even my mental health.
In recent news, it is rare to not hear about conflict, climate change, political struggles or the cost of living crisis. Of course there have always been difficulties in the world, but either things are more widely reported on 24/7 rolling news or you might have to think twice about if you want to bring more children growing up into the world as it is
becoming.
The Pros
Fulfillment in life
Having enjoyed the process of raising my son, I can relate to families that just want to
recapture how they felt by having larger families with more children. For some people children are their lives and i can see this.
Closer marriage
It is an often said cliche that having a baby can save a marriage but should you have another child to save a marriage?
This is a dangerous misconception, but like many cliches there can be some truth in it.
There is a shared joy and purpose in raising a child, but as parenting is a demanding,
stressful experience, a baby can be petrol on the fire of any pre-existing difficulties.
A baby shouldn’t be seen as a fix for other issues. Its not. The baby may paper over the cracks but it wont fix anything.
Luckily the shared joys and challenges of raising a child were mostly positive in my own
relationship and I could see in the absence of other problems, having more children could’ve been another bonding experience.
Sibling Bond and Companionship
Sharing my childhood with a sibling, and having them there at weddings, birthdays or to talk with when maybe life is going less smoothly, is a privilege.
Knowing that your children will have this, especially as you are older as a parent and less
capable, can be a great comfort. Of course, not all siblings remain close or great friends, but for me, it was always a motive towards larger families.
Parental and Family Enrichment
Playing board games with my son and wife, or sports like tennis, was always much better
when my son had a friend to join in. Just like a large family gathering such as Christmas, the more people around, the more shared and fun it felt. If one person is in a worse mood, it could even things out as the tension could be spread around.
“As an individual, if I could travel back to meet myself before having a family I do not think I
would recognise myself.”
Parenting is the most powerful tool to teach you empathy, patience, diligence, resilience and to be more self reliant. Going through the process with more than one child, after learning so much the first time, can only make this more true.
Social and Emotional Development for Children
Having more than one child at home naturally means that they have more social contact with other children, similarly to attending nurser. This can be advantageous in their development, and for me, I can see it as the help of an extra pair of young hands in the development of your younger children
Long-Term Family Support
Just like having a brother or sister means your child will grow up with company and support, some parents like the idea of doing the same with their children. They take some comfort from knowing that as they age, they will have children to keep an eye on them or look after them. Having more than one child, of course means this load is shared
Personally, I wouldn’t want to expect my children to look after me, but I do take comfort in
knowing I will have a son around, and understand this value in having a larger family.
Fulfilling Personal or Cultural Values
Some people just naturally prefer larger families. They may have grown up in one, have
religious leanings towards it, or just simply feel more comfortable in a large social setting.
The experience of others with larger families.
Larger families seem to bring more joy and trauma in equal measures. More siblings can mean middle syndrome children and more arguments. Annoying brothers and mean sisters. More arguments and more laughter.
Some larger parent families look at one child families and cherish the attention and one to one bond you can form. They quote the children they don’t really have a relationship with. Family relationships can be difficult whatever size.
Summary
Of all the blogs I have written or will ever write, I think my advice on thinking about having
children is the most earnest. Should you have another child? Is a decision that is incredibly personal in nature.
Raising children is a massive undertaking, and your children deserve that you are fully
committed to the undertaking.
Take your time, think about it, The financial costs and challenges could well be insignificant compared to the sense of purpose and enjoyment you might get.
If you feel you are in the wrong place to do it all again, if you feel that circumstances aren’t
quite right, or you need more of your independence back, then there is no shame in saying it is not for you right now.
It’s a decision that of course will affect many more than just you, and as in so many things,
open communication is key, including with your existing children.
Another often overlooked point is that deciding to have less children does not mean you
cannot expand your immediate family. Maybe your child has cousins of a similar age, friends that come round more, pets, or you may even look into fostering.
“You can choose to create your own family however you wish.”
If you want to discuss this or any other issue, please feel free to contact me at CosyChats. or contact@cosychats.com
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