What’s It REALLY Like to Be an Adoptive Parent?

Every adoptive parent ask themselves this question I think. We certainly did but there are so many layers to this question. How will your life change. Will your children accept you, even love. Will you love them or even accept them. Will it be the worst or the best decision you ever made?

What’s It REALLY Like to Be an Adoptive Parent?

Its such a huge question its difficult to convery in a simple blog but lets have a go.

Its really life changing. It really is. Its a huge and often overwhelming journey.

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Adopted children come with so much baggage. Things that are known and things that aren’t.  You think you are prepared for this but your not.  You think you’re equipped for this but your not.  Prepare to be totally lost, confused and doubting yourself. Life before adoption is very different and in so many ways far more simple.

Adoption should not be undertaken lightly. By this I mean are you prepared to upend your whole life?  Dedicate your life to your children. Bring up someones else children. Children that you will come to love dearly but have been damaged by someone else. Your children have had the worst start in life and there was nothing you could have done about it. If your not ready for this adoption may not be for you. This blog isn’t meant to scare you its to make you think and go into it with your eyes open. So you can’t say i didn’t know and blame someone else when your waist high emotional waste that’s splurged from your children.

Adoption is by far the greatest, most challenging and life changing thing we’ve done.

So what’s It REALLY Like to Be an Adoptive Parent?  It tests you and your relationships. It can disrupt and turn your life upside down.  It becomes your life.

There may be no happy families.  Just a family that can stay together. There may not be bonds and happy memories but despite all its challenges adoption is the most amazing thing we’ve done.  It touches emotions you didn’t think you had.  It creates bonds that didn’t seem possible and that can be the best and worst thing. Its difficult to say What’s It REALLY Like to Be an Adoptive Parent as it changes. It can be amazing one minute and then totally overwhelming. Its certainly varied and you’ll never be bored.

You aren’t and will never be the birth parents.

You will never have that birth bond or experience. You are the adoptive parent. That can be one of the most gut and heart wrenching things.  As much love and attention you give your adopted child you may never repair their early trauma. That child may never truly be able to trust or bond again.  The damage may be too great.  You need to be prepared and accept (sometimes small) degrees of success.

Can you Bond With Adopted Children?

In some ways its like buying and moving to a new house.  Sometimes you just know and other times you have to build and make it your own.  Adoption is similar, you can form an attachment pretty quickly but is this a true bond?  A true bond takes years of understanding and being together.  Its not just you its the child as well.  Their trust and acceptance may take much longer.  You may feel you don’t have any bond with your adopted children even after years of being together. You need to be prepared for this.

Just because you have done so much, given up so much doesn’t mean it has any real impact or affect.

As your adopted children get older and understand their journey more this bond may dip as they seek their birth parents but its surprising how much of a emotional connect can form.  How much your  adopted children become your children and yes their not your birth children but in every other way they are your children.  They are part of you like a jigsaw. You are a parent, an adoptive parent yes but a parent no less. In our eyes and amazing super hero (adoptive) parent.

You and them become intertwined in life.

Adoptive parent form safe spaces to allow bonding to occur.  This can be difficult and challenging but over time bonds form.  Sometime very deep rooted and hidden in the child. The child can push back and hurt those closest to them the most but there is a connection in all that darkness.

So yes bonds can form  but it takes a lot of hard work. A lot of trust and commitment. With so many up and downs along the way.  For us the life changing,  demanding and toxic moments have brought us closer together. Repairing past trauma can be incredibly hard and emotionally draining. adoptive parents take on a lot.

The biggest question you may ask yourself.

Adoption is not a next step for people who cannot have children.  Being an adoptive parent is far more than that.

The first point is you need to be sure and committed.  I don’t mean to wanting children.  I mean to having your life pulled apart by adoption.  To being tested emotionally and physically (adoption is draining).  Think of an SAS training program where the mental desire to continue progresses candidates. Through extremes, total exhaustion and insane challenge which take people totally out of their comfort zone. 

You must be able to  progress whatever the challenge because you are changing a child’s life and you have the potential to do more harm than good.

If your not totally committed you could be letting the child down even more and there maybe no come back from this.

Broken relationships that cannot be repaired.  The most damaged children are those that have been in numerous placements and foster homes.    Neglect it so damaging and your child can push back and test you to breaking point, just to prove you will be there for them forever and a day. Being an adoptive parent is a job for life.

So if you start adoption you must be prepared to see it through.  You must have the mental and physical determination to suffer whatever and continue.

Just like the winners on the SAS training program, there is no champagne or prize, Just an embrace and well done but this means more than any trophy or medal.

Adoption is often so much turmoil and hurt without much reward.

Adoption is not a bank your efforts collect interest in and are repaid.  Think of a bucket with a hole in it.  You may have nothing to show for all you effort, apart from the love (possibly) and affection of your child. Which for us is worth more than anything.

If you think you can suffer all this potential upheaval in you life. Putting your life, career, holidays and dreams on hold for these children. Who don’t care and don’t show emotion (masking is very common) then adoption maybe suitable for you.

Adoption is truly a life changing thing to do.

In all its moments of pain and trauma there are nuggets of reward .  Moments of joy and progress.  Moments of love and caring.

These are the moments that we cling onto. The small success that give us hope there is progress.

Every adopter thinks, have we done the right thing?  They’re not being true to themselves if they don’t, its a natural reaction.

Adoption is not right for so many people and that’s absolutely fine. The bravest thing to do is not to adopt if your not willing to make the sacrifices. Not willing to put in the effort and love for often little return.

So should you adopt?

Take a deep look into yourself.  Are you committed and prepared to upend your life.  To suffer extreme emotional stress and pressure knowing the child is testing you to see if you really mean what you say.  Can you be that committed. Can you last the tests and torture.

The rewards are huge but the sacrifice and journey can be so damaging but only you can decide if your able to make the journey and see it through.

If you ever meet an adoptive family I hope you congratulate them on what they have achieved.  Small successes often take a huge amount of work and emotional investment.  Adopters often don’t get thanked and they should.

Every adopter we know is an ANGEL for their children!.

 

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