What to do when you child refuses to go to school?

What do you do when your child's school attendance is poor?

Lets be clear this isn't a child feigning illness to dodge a sports day or test its a child continually struggling at school. Low school attendance through struggling emotionally to attend school. Struggling to an extent it is negatively affecting their welfare and well being making effective learning impossible.

Your child 'refuses' go to school. What should you do.

The 'that old trick' 'never happened years ago' syndrome

'It never happened years ago.  We just went none of this nonsense.'  Yes we heard and we hear and read comments like this, but its just noise from people or observers remotely commenting.  Its just noise and we ignore it and concentrate on what our children need today in the here and now.  People including family who make those comments are making an observation without understanding.  You understand your children and that's that. You know when they're having you on and when they're genuinely crying out for help.

If your child is struggling to go to school and its so emotionally draining its having a detrimental impact on them you need to take notice.  Just pushing them into school is not a solution for longer term and you could be doing real emotional damage to your child.

People may disagree this statement and in some cases the child may get through the phase but you know your child. Follow your instinct and when all the pushing in the world isn't working you know you've got to do something.

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Real life experience

Recently parents we were in contact with had struggled getting their child into the car and then into school.  They got him into school that day but took him to the office to say to the school something has to change, the child clearly needs more support and how can you help.  They could have had the same struggle every day or worse sent a zombie into school but whats the point? There is no point increasing the school attendance if the child isn't  learning anything because their to emotionally wired.

This didn't just happen one day.  The pressure built up and a happy smiley child changed dramatically and in their words crashed and burned that week. They kept the school informed of what was happening  and thank fully the school recognised this and were able to put additional provisions in place to support the child.

School isn't for everyone

Schools can be rigid and bounds by rules. Schools can be scary places where learning is difficult.  Some children flourish at school and some don't.

The child in the real life example wasn't learning and was sinking fast at school. With the additional support they are treading water and beginning to tolerate or may be enjoy school some days but lets not push it and take the wins when we can.

Getting an education is important but not the be all and end all of your child's life.

Getting an education is important and usually the best place for that is school. That's why there is so much attention on school attendance. Schools provide a grounding into adult life. Teach so many other things than the academic and children can flourish and grow in school. The first option should be the traditional school route. Schools differ and some are better than others. Some offer more sports or clubs and excel in certain areas. Choosing the right school is important but because one school isn't working it doesn't mean another school wouldn't be more suitable.

Persevere with you school. Work with the School. Be firm but reasonable. Schools should have your child's best interest as well.   School is usually the best place for your child.  children do go through tricky patches. Schools know this and can help.  Usually the earlier years are more difficult and transition from juniors can be difficult for some children. If your school is flexible the can relax the school attendance, possibly a reduced timetable. Yes they can do this in earlier years.

If you child child refuses go to school.

Happy path

Talk to the school. Ask for support. Our experience is schools are keen for children to attend and can assist you. The school should work with you and help you. They and you should have the best interest of your child in mind.

Not so happy path

In our experience schools can also put their head in the sand so you might need to be vocal and advocate for your child but once you get the right people involved they should be able to help in a positive way. Looking for the reasons and not just enforcing the rules. Understanding why the child refuses go to school is vital. Not just quoting the latest school attendance figures !!!!

Schools can be rigid and without the 'paperwork' less keen to help.  Keep at it.  Be vocal. Be reasonable until you need to be unreasonable for you child. Don't let your school hide behind school attendance rules. they may need to be more flexible than just looking at school attendance.

Paperwork can be  a EHCP and this can be something you apply for but in the meantime this shouldn't stop support. Its much better is the school applies and supports the EHCP.

We have various parents on Cosychats.com who have obtained EHCP's and been the other side in the academic world.  They can share their experience through a booked session on CosyChats.com.  I would recommend you seek the experience and knowledge of people who have got EHCPs and importantly how they have used them for leverage.  Its important you get the right things named in an EHCP.

Looks for alternative schools if needed.

You're not the villain.

Its easy to get caught up in school attendance and worry about school attendance people knocking on your door but remember you are not the villain. If you and your child needs help then the school is there to help. Yes you might get a letter or contact but letters are automated and contact allows you to explain the situation and ask for help.  Don't be afraid to make it their problem (which it is).  School attendance officers are there to help children back into school not just to lecture and punish. Not all of them understand this though but don't feel judged just because your child refuses go to school .

In our experience the attendance letter/contact can actually help. Its opens the door to more assistance and gives the parents evidence that help is needed.

Don't ever think of it as failing.

Schools can be accommodating but they don't always want to be.

Schools have a lot to deal with and want to work on a standard, one size fits all, model and timetable. This is understandable but sometimes they need to be more accommodating. We've discussed, reduced timetable, early passes, brain breaks, additional help, and many more things that schools have suggested and implemented. There are some incredibly dedicated people in our experience who genuinely want to help so don't feel alone. Teachers have spoken to children, visited homes and worked closely with parents. Children can get overwhelmed and need periods to adjust back to school. Reduced timetables can work well and keep your child in school while providing that period to allow adjustment.  Children can struggle more in certain years and sometimes that reduction is all they need to get through it.  Work can be completed at home if shared.

When mainstream schooling isn't working and won't work

You know when your children have gone beyond struggling and school simply isn't working for them. Despite all the support and help they receive.  The underlying reasons are far greater and alternatives are required.

In our experience parents realise that yes, we can get the child into school. Yes we can force them, punish them in, take away technology etc but they're in such a state of anxiety/fear/exhaustion when they get to school they aren't learning so whats the point. The child can be so full of suppressed rage and anxiety, the fizzy drink that explodes when the child walks in from school right into their parents.  The parents feel the brunt of the anger or sadness and no one is happy. The child's welfare is being affected

You know your child. Taking your child out of mainstream school can be   big step.

This isn't an easy point to get to and children should be encouraged to go to school. Its not a matter of simply saying they don't want to go. Its that school isn't working and the experience and surroundings aren't helping the child or helping them learn.

If you've explored school support and this isn't working and/or the school aren't willing to accommodate further, you need to consider alternatives.

Don't share your thinking or home / alternative schooling

Throughout this blog we've emphaesied the need to communicate with the school. Keep them informed. Have regular progress meetings but, and its a big but, in our experience suggesting home schooling or alternatives may be counter productive to getting help from the school.

The school may be more than happy for you to withdraw and home school and once they know this what your thinking they may (and in our experience usually do) step back and be less inclined to go that extra step.  They may even encourage you. Some schools are happy to keep the rigid model and for those that don't fit they don't offer real alternatives.

 

To leave mainstream school is a big decision and the alternatives may not help your child.

Alternatives

Another mainstream school

Sometimes another traditional school can work. Better SEN departments. Less stretched.  Whatever the reason another schools shouldn't be dismissed.  Do your research.  Visit the school. Talk to parents. Get a feel for the place and be honest and transparent about what your child needs and be clear about the expectation from the school.  Resist bad mouthing the school their at though.  It serves no purpose and the school world is small. You don't want to be labelled that parent.

Children can move schools and it works but sometimes another school cannot do more than the school they're at. Its important to recognise this as moving schools shouldn't be a continuation of the same it should be beneficial.

Home schooling.

Your child is schooled at home. For some parents and children it works well and is the solution, for other families it doesn't work as well and the family can feel abandoned.

Homeschooling should not be viewed as an easy option, in many ways its harder than going to school.

Your child will lose interaction with other children. Home and school become blurred, kitchen tables become classrooms. Out tip would be to move the tutoring to a local library to alleviate the home/school blurring and get your child out the house and at least interacting with others, even if it is only in your local library.

It can be difficult to re create the structure of school at home.    The success or not of home schooling can be based on the individual doing it. Great if your child forms a bond with the tutor and they work well together but not when that person is ill or moves on (it happens) and you stuck starting again.  There isn't the natural progression like school. Tutors may be limited in your area

Agencies can send different people and the continuity is lost.  We know some parents who have home schooled themselves and this has worked out well but we would suggest caution as this isn't an easy balancing act and a big commitment.

Home schooling trial.

A dry run to know what to expect for you and your child. See how your child reacts to a home schooling environment. This can encourage a child back to school or prove that home schooling is the best route for you but you still have the support of the school. Your child is still on roll and is supported by the local authority.

No parent wants to give up on their child. Nor should they but for some children traditional school isn't the right environment. Home schooling or a smaller more supportive school maybe more suitable.

LA funding and a 'reduced' education

Local authorities vary but funding may be limited to a few hours a day. Like we said at the start schooling and getting an education is important and the trade off of an education versus your child's welfare is one that must be clear and thought through. In our experience the child's welfare is the fore front. Education can be repeated later if required.

Alternative schools

There maybe be alternative schools in your area. Ones more suited to anxious children for example. Make sure you know and understand what is available. Schools are usually very knowledgeable but again this may not be the solution you are looking for. The children may not be suitable role models or peers. Interactions in classrooms can be limited and while your child can't manage a traditional school the alternative school may be just as challenging for different reasons.

We know families and children who have moved from large secondary to smaller more supportive schools and this has worked well.  No uniforms, home work and less formality help the child.  It can be argued the child is not being prepared for the real world and the jump to college for example can be huge and frightening but for us if it works then go with it and deal with the next steps when they come. If you child refuses go to school because of the rules a more informal school could help. You're giving your child less reasons to refuse to go to school.

Getting an EHCP or diagnosis can help



In our experience Schools and local authorities react more to 'paperwork'. Children shouldn't be labelled but when your looking for help and support having labels for your children helps and at the very least make it more difficult for them to ignore you.  There are legal responsibilities they must for fill despite all the cut backs.

Also if school attendance does drop it may trigger some help. You may think your doing the best by keeping up school attendance but letting it drop may bring your more help.

Alternatives might not be as good as you think.

School is such a huge part of a child's life. Its where friendships are formed and aspirations grown but its not right for every child, and this is OK.  Some children can't cope with school and alternatives are required but you need to go into this with your eyes open.  Home schooling is not something to consider lightly, especially if your doing it yourself.

You know your children and their history.  You know whats best for them and sometimes you have to trust your instincts but test things. Don't leave school roll unnecessarily.  Live with low attendance if that's all your child can achieve.  Don't be scared by attendance, if your child is struggling low attendance proves the point. You need to prove your child refuses go to school and isn't just bunking off.

If traditional mainstream school isn't working there are alternatives. You just have to make sure, really sure, they are right for your child. Don't just get frustrated and leave as you'll find the support dries up and you need all the support you can get.

Finally never give up on your children.  it can be hard, frustrating and sometimes very upsetting but your child needs you to fight and be there for them.  Them, their welfare and best education (whatever that looks like) is all that matters. School attendance only matters if your child is learning.

Be the best parent you can and whatever happens. However alone you feel we are there for you.  If you need practical advice or some to listen who understands.

There is a lot in this blog. Dealing with schools can be complicated and there are lots of nuances, not least schools approach and personnel can differ greatly.

Its easy to fire off an angry email and create barriers and feel labeled as 'that parent'.  There are parents on CosyChats who have been through this and can share their experience. Parents who have specific experience around schools and dealing with schools.  They can share their knowledge and experience and help you navigate the best solution for your child.

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If you want to learn more about home schooling  click here

How to home educate in the UK - A guide to home education - BBC Bitesize