Follow your dreams and be happy. We all want this for our child don’t we? Sometimes our own dreams and expectations are put in front of our child’s dreams and this can be damaging.
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That first goal scored, that first time they drive away in their own car.
The first time they bring their first love home with them
The wedding day, or the day they graduate university
When we find out we are going to be parents, often we are carried away with excitement.
Images of what they will become flash though our minds
We are overwhelmed by imagining them riding a bike, winning a football game, buying you the first legal drink or them getting married.
Of course, we want the best for our children but when do our ambitions for them become about us, and not them?
When do they do more harm than good?
If you want to discover the sort of ambitions parents have for their children, and when this becomes harmful, then this blog was written for you.
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When ambitions for your children can be helpful.
Some of the things we want for our children as parents are perfectly good investments in their futures. There are things that mainly only have positive outcomes.
Things like getting into the best school, healthy habits like eating the right foods and getting enough sleep. We want them to have healthy relationships and plenty of friends.
Basically, we want to give them the best foundations to be happy and live a fulfilling life.
Maybe this is seeing them learn to drive, be in a school production or watching them develop a kind, caring personality. We tell them ‘follow your dreams’.
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As parents this is what we’re supposed to do, guide them to success?
But what happens when this drive becomes too much for the child, should we as parents ignore this cause we know best?
The other kinds of ambition. Don’t follow your dreams, follow mine.
The dreams we have for our children become dangerous
when they become more about us than them.
We do it for many reasons, but usually it is with the best intentions.
Sometimes it is us projecting our dreams onto our children, sporting, academic or jobs.
Maybe we want them to make choices that are less risky, but still make them unhappy.
Often we steer them towards the things that worked well for us in life, such as career choice.
When we find out they have a particular talent, it can be tempting to nurture it, even when they don’t enjoy it.
Or the desire for a larger continuing family motivates your subtle, or less subtle, hints for them to make you grandparents someday.
In my family, we are the sort of people that like a book and a good quiz, so we have to be careful not to expect our son to be the same.
Although he is good academically he does not enjoy it, he prefers computer games to books and prefers being out with friends to a board game.
If he wants to study beyond 18 then it has to come from him. If you don’t enjoy traditional academia, then forcing it will soon make it unpleasant for him and hard to sustain and still do well.
This all sounds reasonable but will he grow older and question why we didn’t push him more?
Why projecting your version of success in life can be damaging.
When you think about what happens to children when they have ambitions pushed upon them, it’s probably easy to think of the initial general negative side effects.
Of course, it starts with the tension and arguments when you first start to make it happen. Then maybe the ultimate cliché of an unhappy son working a lifetime in medicine or law when they wanted to be a journalist or actor! Maybe one day they’ll be thankful for the financial security or maybe they’ll hate the job and lead an unfulfilled life. Follow your dreams, ringing in their ears.
A house full of tension and resentment.
The less obvious side effect may be the underlying tension and arguments created in your household, which may in turn damage other family members well-being and put a strain on relationships and trust
.
It’s possible your children feel they just have to please you, and consequently be afraid to share how they really feel.
Is this really what you want? Are you really doing the best for your children? It’s easy to feel you are and when the child grows these feelings will disappear but they could be bitter and resent you for years.
Should we choose our child’s career path?
When we choose our children’s path for them, then aside from losing the option to decide, they may also never learn how to. They may never learn what they really want by investigating and making their own mistakes.
Also, they may not even learn the skills or get the confidence to weigh up choices and pick directions when standing at life’s many crossroads.
With your steering the ship for them, later in life they may have less motivation to pursue their own future goals.
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If they do find success on the path you decided, it will not bring them the satisfaction of victory.
It can only feel empty as your goal. Follow your dreams long forgotten.
And maybe this is the main point, you will rob them of the chance to find their own path.
Possibly, you may also lose opportunities to explore new avenues for yourself when you witness their exploration.
When a child is locked into your ambition, they may never uncover strengths or skills in areas you never considered.
Summary
As parents, we strive to protect our children, to give them a better life than our own.
But just as we must watch them fall as they learn to walk, we must also learn to let them steer their own ship.
Our role is to guide and support. To provide stability and help if things don’t quite go to plan.
“The most beautiful butterflies are the opens that emerge from the chrysalis by themselves”
I’m sure there are parents though who feel they know best. That drawing on their wisdom and life experience they know more than the child. They are guiding the child to success.
These parents feel they are doing the best they can for their child. Not allowing them to waste their time on dreams that probably won’t come true.
The Compromise
Is there a compromise here? Can you support your child in what they want to do and guide them at the same time. I think so. Be supportive but not overpowering.
Talk To Your Child
For me the biggest thing is to talk to your child. Let them express their feelings and dreams. Be open and listen to what they want. Don’t force your dreams or version of success.
Life is too Short To Be Unhappy.
My Name is Drew and I’m a parent in the UK. Bringing up children isn’t easy and there are lots of decisions to be made but you don’t have to make all of them.
CosyChats is a Parenting Collective full of wonderful parents who have a vast experience of bringing up a family and how hard that can be. I’m on Cosy Chats and you can book some time with me to discuss any aspect of parenting. Browse the other parents and find the best one for you.
Thank you for reading [ ARE You FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Instead of Theirs?]
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