When it comes to school support are schools ignoring parents concerns?
In our experience its and overwhelming yes and its bl__dy frustrating!!!
This is our experience, your school and experience may be different (we hope it is). The schools we interacted with where both outstanding rated.
I’m Not Being Listened To By My Child’s School.
Let set down exactly what we mean. Our children were displaying different behaviours at school to home. Nothing unusual or concerning about that you say? Well there is.
Girls especially are good at masking.
Getting to school was a nightmare. Lots of tears, push back and emotion. The morning routine became a horrible chore of distress and anxiety. This was a horrible and draining way to start the day. We dreaded mornings but every day we got them up and at least one would have a melt down. That the way it was.
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Screaming Stops at the school gates.
The school didn’t see this as when we got near the school gates the children would ‘calm’ and turn into robots. it was so sad to see. At school they were outwardly model students and quietly just got on with it. In reality they were just masking. Turning into statues so no one would notice them but all the time rage was building up.
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The Angry Child Erupts The Moment they walk through the door from school.
Once their back from school the anger comes out and it was unleashed on mum. This is a horrible and very hurtful thing to endure even if you understand they only do this because the feel safe enough to do it.
The lack of joined up approach from school.
We spoke to our children and they spoke of the pressure of school. Learning was too difficult. School too noisy and chaotic. When you say things like this to schools it can get their backs up straight away and they go on the defensive citing all manner of things.
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School Support – Reality
The children have never come to us and said this – they won’t their far to scared to do that.
They look fine at school – their just masking fear and anxiety
We don’t see any of that behaviour – see above
We can’t do anything if we don’t see the behaviour – I feel like you don’t believe me.
Our hands are tied – Are they really?
What Does It Feel Like when Schools Don’t Accept Your Comments or Worse Effectively Ignore You.
You sit in a meeting and share your feedback on what your child is like at home. What the morning school run and after school child is like. The extremes of behaviour, anxiety and sadness. The angry or deflated robot child.
You share this to tell the school what is happening. Inform them of the behaviour with the expectation this will make a difference and they will take notice and make allowances for your child at school but they don’t. The head of year or whoever it is looks at you and say something like ‘that’s surprising as we don’t see that behaviour at school’.
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Why don’t schools believe parents?
We’ve sat in meeting where they’ve asked whats going on at home. Is there something else happening that would explaining the behaviour.
To an outsider this might sound reasonable as they don’t see the behaviour in school but its not. As a parent you don’t feel believed. that you don’t know your own children and this is incredibly annoying and frustrating.
School support can impact home life and schools don’t ways recognise this.
Schools don’t want to accept or create issues they don’t see.
Schools can be reluctant to hear you. They don’t want to create issues that don’t exist for them. What happens at school is different to home. They say the right things about being joined up with parents but it doesn’t work in practice.
This just makes your blood boil and its easy to get annoyed and emotional. Its too much. You can see the bahaviour at home and that the school need to make allowances but the message isn’t getting through.
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That horrible moment when you know nothing is going to change and school support isn’t forthcoming.
At That moment you can feel the floor opening up and you falling in. If school doesn’t believe you nothing will change. You and you child will continue the cycle of pain and emotion.
Its so bl__dy frustrating and draining. Being a parent is hard enough without having to fight schools to get the help and support your child needs and would Benefit from.
Is OFSTED To Blame as Schools Hide behind their OFSTED rating.
One strange thing was the school repeating back their OFSTED rating to us. You know we are an Outstanding school. Like this solves your child’s problem. It doesn’t and schools are quick to point this out. Their right and your wrong.
The schools (both Outstanding Rated) put a lot of faith in the outstanding rating and yes its good but it doesn’t mean the school is always right. It doesn’t mean the school knows everything. It doesn’t mean they know and understand your child.
In our experience outstanding can be running a tight ship to keep the outstanding but it can also be not wanting anything to put that rating at risk. Not wanting to accept faults in the school or the system. How can there be as we got an outstanding rating?
Primary schools don’t want to tackle problems and cite age. They’re too young or they’ll grow out of it. Kicking the can down the road to secondary schools.
This is our understanding and perception.
Keep Your Cool
In our experience the worst thing you can do is lose your cool. Its very hard not to when your not being heard but losing your cool doesn’t help. In fact it just reinforces the idea that there must be more going on here and weakens your argument. You feel your access to school support slip away even more.
You become (or feel) labelled as a disruptive parent.
What to do when schools don’t listen.
Don’t give up. Share videos of home behaviour. Get professional assessments (Difficult we know) as evidence counts. Schools listen more to professionals. Schools should support you and recognise the home behaviour for what it is. Not bad behaviour but a child being overwhelmed. Schools can give brain breaks and allocate hall passes to allow movement during quieter times. These simple things helped our children but they took alot.
Don’t ever feel you are an inconvenience. Put your child’s view across and make it the schools problem as well. Not in an unreasonable way but in a way that presents the problem and what you want as a solution.
Schools understandably don’t like being flexible but one size doesn’t fit every child.
Do Schools need to see the behaviour to allocate School Support?
If our experience yes. Schools don’t listen to parents where they behaviour isn’t being repeated at school. We took videos and audio and shared that with the school but while they acknowledge the behaviour at home this doesn’t mean school support is forthcoming but the videos did help soften their approach.
Finding the right person.
Like many things in life finding the right person really helps. The person who gets it and understands the problem. We did this by having meetings with the school. Explaining the situation, our frustration and showing them videos of our children having melt downs and anger out bursts.
Get professionals to agree with you. Get an EHCP if you can.
Schools can listen more to professionals or its more difficult for them to ignore you when a professional agrees with you. Our experience is the latter. Get an EHCP is you can. Yes it can be difficult but it puts a clear requirement on the school and if that school can’t meet the ECHP requirement you can seek alternatives.
An ECHP should give you eligibility to more school support.
Keep notes. Send Emails
Put your lawyers hat on. Make a record of events at home to find a connection with school. Changing for PE was a trigger for our child. Note interactions with school and the local authority. note when you raised concerns and if its verbally send an email confirming the conversation / concern. Its more difficult for the school to deny responsibility when you have an audit trail. This sounds difficult but its all possible and its so worth it if your school says they didn’t know and you can produce evidence of them being told and concerns raised especially if your specific.
If Schools Listened and were more flexible.
It seems a better solution for schools to listen to parents more. We understand our children and have an idea what they need and what things trigger them. We understand schools are challenging and they provide the building blocks of life but sometimes small changes and provisions can make a big difference.
Using a laptop instead of a pen/pencil.
Having Brain Breaks.
Having a hall pass to move at quieter times.
Doing a reduced timetable when it get too much.
Getting help is vital!!!.
For us the key was getting help. Getting people who understand what we were saying and most notably understood how schools can behave. How they can shut themselves off to parents input.
We got support, help and direction. Collected evidence and times. We presented it in meetings. Kept raising the issues. We feedback quickly and feedback from our children. This made it difficult for them to ignore our concerns. Difficult not to give us school support.
Its very demoralising sitting in a school meeting and not being heard when you know your right. Sometimes just having someone say they understand and your right is enough to relight that fire in you and go back to the school.
Please Don’t Give UP
We know its hard. We know its emotional and draining but if your in that same situation or similar of not being believed. Not being understood. Don’t give up. Your children will suffer and life is too short to be unhappy.
CosyChats was set up to share the experience and knowledge of parents. To make life easier for parents. There are many parents on Cosy Chats who have been through the hardship of dealing with Schools CAMHS.
Please get the help and school support you need.
CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.
How to deal with schools and be heard by schools. There are parents on CosyChats who have been through this and can share their experience and knowledge to help you.
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Home or Alternative Schooling
We did spend a lot of time in meetings and there were people in the school who eventually were being accommodating and more flexible but sometimes you have to realise mainstream school isn’t right for your child.
For us a smaller more flexible school was more suitable.
The is a big decision as mainstream schools offer so much more that smaller schools but school support is easier in a smaller setting. Yes they’re overwhelming but sometimes its best to stick it out. Strange to say that given everything we’ve said above but its true a smaller more flexible school might be easier for your child but its not going to be as challenging (academically) or as rich a social experience. Stating the obvious they are for children with anxiety and social limitations. This may not be the right environment for your child. In our experience it wasn’t a perfect solution.
Home Schooling
For some children this works but again we don’t think its the perfect solution. Hours are less. Social interaction less and you are reliant on the tutor forming a nurturing relationship with your child.
Our Story
We ended up with a three school solution’s smaller school, home schooling and more nurturing provision within secondary school. This took a lot of meetings and discussion. The secondary school was more flexible and with our third child reacted quickly to our concerns.
There are teachers who dismissed our concerns early on and cause untold additional work and heartache and teachers who where so determined to help us and our children they went above and beyond and to them and the school support they instigated we are forever grateful. We hope our experience helps parents but also helps schools understand and be more open and accepting of parents input.
Schools lead to college and adult life. The problems don’t disappear they just change.
We are an adopted family from Essex. To preserve our children’s privacy and life we do not share any personal details.
CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.