Tag Archives: child psychology

A picture of a teenager considering are teenagers safe online

What to do When Your Child’s LIFE is Online Rather Than Real World?

Blog, Healthy, Kids, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are teenagers safe ‘living’ their lives on-line?

Are teenagers safe, a question every generation of parents has asked for different reasons but this generation faces a new threat.

My daughter exists in the real world. I see her and she interacts. She goes to school and eats occasionally but her life is on-line. On-line is where she feel most comfortable, has her friends and communities. Its where she plays and create friendships.

If we go away she’s communicating on her phone and doesn’t really interact with her new surroundings. She has everything  she needs on-line.

I think this is sad but she appears happy enough and I wonder if this the world has just moved on and i should accept it.
Are teenagers safer on-line than in the real world?

She’s a teenager and says she understands the dangers of being on line and can navigate technology better than i can. She often reminds me being in the real world has dangers. The world is a divided and sometimes cruel place.  She blocks people she doesn’t like in a way she can’t do in the real world.

Part of me agrees and is glad she isn’t hanging out in our local park/town but as a parent it feels like i’m playing catch up all the time and often i don’t understand her digital world and life.

Online safety and privacy are my top concerns, with cyberbullying, online predators, and data breaches seemingly lurking around every corner. Then there’s the impact of social media on her self-esteem, relationships, and mental health.

Can my child manage her on-line life safely?

My daughter doesn’t appear to suffer from low self esteem or have a shortage or friends, even though they are on-line.  She talks to people all over the world and it has opened up new horizons to her.  If i ask here where she wants to go on holiday shes says Japan as she has a friend there and likes the culture.   I think of young me and i had very little appreciation or knowledge of such a culture.  The world is much smaller now.

Opportunities Through The Digital World.

I know there are benefits to the digital world. It presents opportunities for children to connect with others, access educational resources, and develop essential skills. Online learning platforms, educational apps, and social media can provide valuable learning experiences. The new world is digital and she’s definitely embracing it.

How to set boundaries for an on-line life?

I struggle to keep up with the latest trends and technologies, making it difficult to set boundaries and ensure she’s using the internet responsibly. I wouldn’t really know what to do apart from setting a time limit but this is like saying you can’t play with your friends any more.

I’ve spoken to her about the risks Cyber-bullying, digital addiction, and online harassment and she was honest and open about the risks.  She’s suffered cyber bullying and harassment and used her on-line friends to judge whats acceptable and what isn’t. Her group act as support as well as moral police.

This worried and saddened me as i didn’t know and wasn’t involved.  My judgement wasn’t needed and what was acceptable was determined by friends.  May be they are a good group of friends but maybe their all just teenagers finding their way in life but this is learning isn’t it.  Did I seek the opinion of my parent when i was a teenager?  No I didn’t and lived / learnt by my mistakes. Are teenagers more safe on-line than in the real world because of this support group that exists?

 

Should i be worried my teenage daughters life is on-line?

I keep coming back to this question and wondering are teenagers safe on-line, in the real world or do threats exist in both.

Should I be worried her life is on-line.  She has friends and groups.  I hear her laughing and talking one line.  She’s been in relationships with people round the other side of the world.  she’s not over the park drinking, taking drugs or meeting boys.  These all seem positives as i’d rather she was in doors than out late at night.  That makes me appear a selfish parent but i can’t help it. i want to keep her safe.

There is the other side where she is on-line talking to bad actors, people who aren’t what they say they are. Don’t have my daughters bets interests at heart and want to exploit her in some way.  It feels like where only an on-line step away from something terrible in far worse  way than a few drinks over the park and a bad hangover.

How do I Stay Connected To My daughter and her on-line life?
Don’t Dismiss On-Line as not real or relative.

My daughters on-line life is very real and important to her.  I’ve learnt and understand this.  To her its a real community of people that just communicate and exist on line.  To say its not real or not as good as real life connections isn’t relative to her and just demonstrates a lack of understanding.  I respect her life and her on-life life and friends.

However much she is on-line she has a real world life as well.

We encourage balance between on-line and real life.  An appreciation that she has a real world life as well.  We need to connect and communicate.  We eat together, have movie nights and do something as a family at least once a week.  Bowling, ice skating, something that cannot be done on-line just to anchor her back in the real world.

Time limits.

This is a difficult one as her friends are online.  She plays online and this makes her happy.  She’s at an age where she isn’t going to spend much time with us anyway so were quite relaxed about time on line.  We’ve tried daily limits and they caused heartache.  We’ve tried a free for all in the hope she would be bored.  Which didn’t really work although she did lose interest eventually.

We set reasonable limits.  That we want to to be reasonable about how much time she spends on line and time she spends off line.  If she can keep the balance we let her go on line.  I know there are all sorts of reasons why we should have strict limits but for us they don’t work.

Real World Activities that will engage her.

We try to promote real world activities.  If she wants MacDonalds we don’t just order it and bring it to her we all go out as a family and eat in.  We create real world experiences.

We ask what she wants to do and within reason try to do them.  We take ourselves out of our comfort zone as she’s coming out of hers.

Go where the Wifi is rubbish.

One i don’t admit to but if i’m booking a holiday and the site / hotel has poor wifi it doesn’t overly worry me.  We’ve been on holidays where she’s moaned about the wifi and come out with us in frustratiuon.  Either way it works for me and we spend more time together.

Am I Giving In To My Child?

I know it can be seen as giving in by some people and they’d say we should be firmer but they’re not our family.  It works for us and we’ve found a balance of sorts. Its not perfect but it works most of the time.  We do limit on-line time if we think its getting too much and is having a negative affect on our daughter.  that can be traumatic and we get plenty of tears and banging doors, which we don’t want.   I’ve got beyond thinking its only on-line to realising its her world.

Every family needs to find what works for them on-line v real world.

The point of this blog is to share our experience and say i’m sure you’re not alone.  we have friends with children that are the same. Children that go abroad and spend their time on phones missing technology.  As adults we think its sad but its their world.

Would we rather she was out, not telling us where she was and coming home late?

The answer to that is no.  I’d rather she was on-line with her friends whoever they may be. The question of are teenagers safe has never been more nuanced.  Never been more complicated.  The world world appears dangerous.  The on line world has hidden evils and dangers.  The point is whatever world your in, understanding and knowing the risks and protecting yourself is key but to achieve that you have to make a few mistakes, which has always been a frightening thing for a parent to accept.

 

Thank you for reading our blog and considering are teenagers safe in our modern, real and on-line world.

The Real and On-Line World are difficult to navigate but there is help available.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues. Including supporting and understanding your child as their worlds go increasingly on line. How you can encourage them to see the benefits of real world relationships and interactions. How an on line and real friendship group can exist together. How maintaining and a strong and open relationship with your child is key to allow communication and that your child can come to you with any question or problem. On-line can be a scary place but so can real world and children need the support and guidance of parents.


For parents of Teenagers click here.

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Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

 

A dad forcing his child to follow his dreams

ARE You FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Instead of Theirs?

Kids, Teenagers, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Follow your dreams and be happy.  We all want this for our child don’t we? Sometimes our own dreams and expectations are put in front of our child’s dreams and this can be damaging.

That first goal scored, that first time they drive away in their own car.


The first time they bring their first love home with them


The wedding day, or the day they graduate university

When we find out we are going to be parents, often we are carried away with excitement.


Images of what they will become flash though our minds


We are overwhelmed by imagining them riding a bike, winning a football game, buying you the first legal drink or them getting married.

Of course, we want the best for our children but when do our ambitions for them become about us, and not them?

When do they do more harm than good?

If you want to discover the sort of ambitions parents have for their children, and when this becomes harmful, then this blog was written for you.

When ambitions for your children can be helpful.

Some of the things we want for our children as parents are perfectly good investments in their futures. There are things that mainly only have positive outcomes.


Things like getting into the best school, healthy habits like eating the right foods and getting enough sleep. We want them to have healthy relationships and plenty of friends.


Basically, we want to give them the best foundations to be happy and live a fulfilling life.


Maybe this is seeing them learn to drive, be in a school production or watching them develop a kind, caring personality. We tell them ‘follow your dreams’.

As parents this is what we’re supposed to do, guide them to success?

But what happens when this drive becomes too much for the child, should we as parents ignore this cause we know best?

The other kinds of ambition. Don’t follow your dreams, follow mine.

The dreams we have for our children become dangerous
when they become more about us than them.

We do it for many reasons, but usually it is with the best intentions.

Sometimes it is us projecting our dreams onto our children, sporting, academic or jobs.

Maybe we want them to make choices that are less risky, but still make them unhappy.

Often we steer them towards the things that worked well for us in life, such as career choice.


When we find out they have a particular talent, it can be tempting to nurture it, even when they don’t enjoy it.

Or the desire for a larger continuing family motivates your subtle, or less subtle, hints for them to make you grandparents someday.

In my family, we are the sort of people that like a book and a good quiz, so we have to be careful not to expect our son to be the same.

Although he is good academically he does not enjoy it, he prefers computer games to books and prefers being out with friends to a board game.

If he wants to study beyond 18 then it has to come from him. If you don’t enjoy traditional academia, then forcing it will soon make it unpleasant for him and hard to sustain and still do well.


This all sounds reasonable but will he grow older and question why we didn’t push him more?

Why projecting your version of success in life can be damaging.

When you think about what happens to children when they have ambitions pushed upon them, it’s probably easy to think of the initial general negative side effects.

Of course, it starts with the tension and arguments when you first start to make it happen. Then maybe the ultimate cliché of an unhappy son working a lifetime in medicine or law when they wanted to be a journalist or actor! Maybe one day they’ll be thankful for the financial security or maybe they’ll hate the job and lead an unfulfilled life. Follow your dreams, ringing in their ears.

A house full of tension and resentment.

The less obvious side effect may be the underlying tension and arguments created in your household, which may in turn damage other family members well-being and put a strain on relationships and trust


.
It’s possible your children feel they just have to please you, and consequently be afraid to share how they really feel.

Is this really what you want? Are you really doing the best for your children? It’s easy to feel you are and when the child grows these feelings will disappear but they could be bitter and resent you for years.

Should we choose our child’s career path?

When we choose our children’s path for them, then aside from losing the option to decide, they may also never learn how to. They may never learn what they really want by investigating and making their own mistakes.

Also, they may not even learn the skills or get the confidence to weigh up choices and pick directions when standing at life’s many crossroads.

With your steering the ship for them, later in life they may have less motivation to pursue their own future goals.

If they do find success on the path you decided, it will not bring them the satisfaction of victory.

It can only feel empty as your goal. Follow your dreams long forgotten.

And maybe this is the main point, you will rob them of the chance to find their own path.

Possibly, you may also lose opportunities to explore new avenues for yourself when you witness their exploration.

When a child is locked into your ambition, they may never uncover strengths or skills in areas you never considered.

Summary

As parents, we strive to protect our children, to give them a better life than our own.

But just as we must watch them fall as they learn to walk, we must also learn to let them steer their own ship.

Our role is to guide and support. To provide stability and help if things don’t quite go to plan.

“The most beautiful butterflies are the opens that emerge from the chrysalis by themselves”

I’m sure there are parents though who feel they know best. That drawing on their wisdom and life experience they know more than the child. They are guiding the child to success.

These parents feel they are doing the best they can for their child. Not allowing them to waste their time on dreams that probably won’t come true.

The Compromise

Is there a compromise here? Can you support your child in what they want to do and guide them at the same time. I think so. Be supportive but not overpowering.

Talk To Your Child

For me the biggest thing is to talk to your child. Let them express their feelings and dreams. Be open and listen to what they want. Don’t force your dreams or version of success.

Life is too Short To Be Unhappy.

My Name is Drew and I’m a parent in the UK. Bringing up children isn’t easy and there are lots of decisions to be made but you don’t have to make all of them.

CosyChats is a Parenting Collective full of wonderful parents who have a vast experience of bringing up a family and how hard that can be. I’m on Cosy Chats and you can book some time with me to discuss any aspect of parenting. Browse the other parents and find the best one for you.

 

Thank you for reading [ ARE You FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Instead of Theirs?]

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.
Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.



👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

a picture of a family wondering Is Having KIDS a GOOD Idea?

Should We Have Children

Blog, New Parents, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Having Kids is not a given but are the sacrifices worth it?

There are so many reasons NOT to have children that sometimes it feels overwhelming and frightening thinking about having kids. Lets be clear having kids is both of those things and many more but for us the joys far out weight the fears and negatives.

Before we start I don’t want you to read this blog and think I’ve persuaded you to have kids. YOU must want children.

This blog is for people who want children but are faced with so may fears and negatives they retreat back in fear from the decision.

Acknowledging the Doubts

We’re often told that to choose children, you have to be ready to sacrifice it all: your freedom, lifestyle, finances,  your body, your career, your sleep, your very identity. That’s a terrifying thought and not one that i’m going to say isn’t true.  All those things can be true.  It’s the main reason people end up on the fence. We see parenthood as a list of losses. But that’s only half the story.  What if the things you gain are so immense, so foundational, that you can’t even measure them? The truth is, having children is probably the biggest and greatest decision you’ll probably make in your life.

Let’s start with the “before,” because I think it’s where most people reading this are.

The world constantly reminds us of the reasons to say no to having kids. We hear about the financial strain, the environmental impact, and the sheer, bone-deep exhaustion.

For women they may look at their careers and wonder how we could possibly step away, even for a little while. We’re afraid of losing the identity we’ve worked so hard to build. We see the curated perfection on social media and feel the insane pressure to be a “perfect parent,” which feels like an impossible standard.

On top of all that, there’s a deeper, more existential fear. Are we ready? Is this a world we should bring a child into? These questions are heavy, and they are valid.

It’s easy to look at the sleepless nights and the massive responsibilities and just say, “No, thank you. My life is good as it is.” It’s okay to feel that your life is full without having kids. It’s okay to be scared of the change children bring. Both are valid.

The barriers to having kids.

So lets look at two of the biggest issues.  Cost and Change.

Cost: Children can (do) cost a lot of money.

No getting away from it children are expensive.  They are a drain on finances but is cost a valid reason not to have kids.  No one wants to see children brought into poverty but what is poverty?  Not going on foreign holidays isn’t poverty.  Taking hand me downs isn’t poverty.  Scrimping and saving isn’t necessarily poverty.  Sure there are sacrifices but children from low incomes homes are no less loved, no less cared for, by parents who love and cherish their children whatever.

I admire families that have to watch the pennies, who don’t have luxuries but have the greatest luxury of all, each other.

My father talked about a ‘rich mans paradise’, having everything material, big house, nice car, suntan but really owning nothing valuable as really none of those luxuries matter.

I’ll give you a moment to think about that…..

Families can make do without a lot and sacrifices will have to be made but whether or not you can afford children is a decision. Be honest if you still want nice holidays and cars and can’t afford children as well, DON’t feel guilty about this.  I certainly don’t blame you.  You have decided life is for you and living and i’m sure there are many parents who look at you enviously sometimes.

Do you sums with and without children. If you are willing to make sacrifices then you need to decide if the sacrifices in having children are worth making. Can you go without and make do, whatever make do looks like for you.

It maybe tough financially. Money maybe tighter but life’s not perfect and money’s not everything.  It maybe baked beans on toast for several years but if your willing there’s a way.

This may sound flippant as MONEY is a huge concern for many people but look back over generations money has been tight. Think of your own childhood, did you have lots of money, presents piled high. Go back another generation and it was fruit and one toy for presents. The point is yes money is a big thing and yes children cost money in lots of ways BUT money doesn’t make a child happy, the love, attention, play and presence of their parents and family does.

This is a decision you CAN make.

Change: The Change in life.

This ones quite simple.  Its huge but its not all sleepless nights and nappy changes, although that is a lot of it.  Its equally looking at your child with emotion you didn’t think you had.  Love so real it hurts to your bones to think of losing it.  The change is life changing but in such a good way.

The fear of change is often worse than change itself.  We adapt and get on with it.  The freedoms you had before will not be there but parenting life isn’t a ball and chains, there are still moments of freedom and time to be yourself.  Just far less of them  🙂.

Is anyone anyone ever ready?

This is a key point for anyone on the fence: you’ll probably never feel 100% “ready.” There’s never a perfect time. You’ll never feel like you have quite enough money, your house will never feel big enough, and you’ll never feel wise enough. The decision to have a child isn’t about checking off a list of requirements. It’s about being ready to grow. It’s about being open to the idea that your life could be about more than just you.

No one can tell you when and if your ready for this. You’ll know when your ready but don’t let it be because of a list of things you need to tick.  Sure be practical, be realistic but don’t become so fearful of the list of reasons you shouldn’t have children, you become blinkered to anything else.

The unexpected. A new sense of purpose, parenting and legacy.

Parents often say they have a new, profound sense of purpose. Life is no longer abstract and lacking direction. Purpose is tangible, real and laying in their arms, needing them for literally everything.

You see your own parents in a new light, with a whole new appreciation for what they did. It can strengthen your bond with your partner as you navigate this huge challenge together, and research has shown that fathers, in particular, often report more meaning in their lives when they have a good relationship with their child. <BR><BR>And interestingly, some studies suggest that the increased social support and healthier behaviors tied to raising kids might even lead to parents living longer lives.<

Finally, there’s the idea of legacy. This isn’t about creating a mini-me. It’s about passing on your values, your stories, and your love. It’s about knowing that a part of you, in the most beautiful sense, carries on. It’s a connection to the future that is both humbling and awe-inspiring. You are a link in a chain, and your job is to make that chain as strong and as loving as you can.

What to Consider – The Real Questions

So, if you’re still on the fence, what should you really be asking yourself? The question isn’t, “Am I ready to give things up?” The real question is, “Am I open to a different kind of fulfillment?”

Forget the checklists. The real questions are deeper. Are you willing to have your definition of happiness completely taken apart and then rebuilt into something bigger and more resilient? Are you open to discovering a love that isn’t transactional, but sacrificial—and in turn, more rewarding than any love you’ve known?

Are you ready to grow in ways you can’t even imagine, to be pushed to your limits and find out you’re stronger than you ever thought?

Parenthood isn’t the only path to a meaningful life, and it’s a deeply personal choice that should never be made because of pressure. But it is a uniquely trans-formative one. The fear of losing your identity is real, but what I’ve found is that you don’t lose yourself. You find a deeper, more essential version of yourself that was there all along, just waiting to be needed.

My personal experience

Do it.  You’ll manage somehow.  You’ll find a way.  Sure there are sacrifices, sometimes huge sacrifices but the rewards are FAR bigger for me.  The sense of belonging and doing (being part of) something amazing are real. The love and connection is real, even if you can barely see it when they become teenagers.

Save children.  Its not one size fits all but if you listen to fears you’d never do anything.  Sometimes in life you just have to jump but remember you choose to jump but NEVER blame your children for your decisions.

Go into being a parent with your eyes open.  Know the sacrifices and reasons why you want children. Spend time thinking, not being scared and if after all the deliberation you can see a world with children. Make do.  As children will enrich your life in so many ways.

So we’ve got to the end. The purpose of this blog was to present the other side of the coin. That there are so many reasons not to have children but let me leave you with a different perspective. Start at the one question that matters. Ask yourself do you want children? Ignore everything else, every reason why you can’t, every fear and worry.

One Simple Question : DO you want Children?

This answers drives the rest of your questions. If you want them find a way. Make things works. Sacrifice and make do if you need to. Then you will be a parent.

 

I hope this blog has been useful. As I say my intention isn’t to convince you, its to think of the other side and what life would be like having kids. How poor you could be in one sense but how rich your would be in another.  I hope this makes sense.

This blog was written by an adoptive parent in the UK who understands making sacrifices for children. Why after all that they have sacrificed they wouldn’t change it or their children for anything because there is such thing as a poor mans paradise and its so much better than the rich mans paradise.

If Your Thinking of Having Children But Are Unsure?

Try talking to parents and get their understanding, experience and knowledge.  CosyChats is a Parent Support Service that offers personalised support for parents.   While we expect most parents aren’t going to say they would change their lives they will be able to provide you with and honest and independent idea of what life with children is like.  The sacrifices and joy children bring.

We parents ourselves and when we were childless we thought we largely understood parenting and what its like to be a parent.  How wrong we were on so many levels.  We understand so much now and would gladly share our experience and knowledge.

You can find parents of new children here and parents of teenagers here

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues.

For parents of Teenagers click here.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame
👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small
👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding
🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be
🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience
💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control
Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.
👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

Are Your Kids READY For Their First Phone?

Is your child really ready for their first phone?

Adoption, Healthy, Kids, Teenagers, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

What are the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids. Parents need to understand this question and answer before they can decide what age their child needs to be have a mobile phone.

This isn’t easy and as parents we’ve personally struggled with understanding the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids. (I think were more likely to know the benefits of smartphones as its drummed into us by phones companies and operators.)

So, what’s the right age to give your kid a mobile phone?

It’s the question that haunts modern parenting, that endless negotiation between your child’s begging and your own gut-wrenching worry. And while you’re probably thinking about stranger danger or screen time, the real story the data tells is much scarier. Researchers have found a shocking spike in teen depression and anxiety that lines up almost perfectly with when smartphones took over the world. One analysis in Ontario, for instance, found that the number of teens reporting serious mental distress jumped from 24% to 39% in just four years, right as smartphones became common. That’s not a coincidence; it’s a warning shot we can’t afford to ignore. So the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids exist. Your fears are real.

So how do we even begin to tackle this? A phone can be a lifeline, a way to know your child is safe. But it’s also a portal to a world that can be incredibly harmful. Today, we’re cutting through the noise. We’re going to break down the safety benefits versus the very real developmental risks to help you make a choice that feels right for your family.

The Problem – A Parent’s Modern Dilemma

Let’s face it, the pressure to give your child a phone is coming from every direction. Your kid swears that *literally everyone* has one, and that fear of them being left out is real. Phones are the new town square; it’s how they connect with friends. And then there’s the safety argument, which is a powerful one.

In a world without payphones, knowing your child can call you in an emergency brings incredible peace of mind. You can check their location, get that “I’m here!” text, and coordinate pickups without a series of ridiculous “if you leave by 6:15, and I leave by 6:25…” plans. Plus, these things are amazing learning tools, with instant access to information that can help with school.

But we all feel that knot in our stomach, and it’s there for a reason. We’ve handed our kids devices that are literally designed to be addictive. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt calls them “dopamine delivery mechanisms” engineered to keep us scrolling for one more hit. And we see the results, don’t we?

Family dinners sliced apart by notifications, homework losing the battle for focus, and that constant, nagging distraction. We are stuck. We want to keep them safe out there, but to do it, we expose them to a digital world full of its own dangers, from cyberbullying to content they can never unsee. The problem is, both choices—giving them a phone or not—feel like a gamble. This isn’t a simple yes or no. It’s about understanding what you’re really signing up for. Its about understanding the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids.

Agitating the Stakes – The Risks vs. The Realities

To make the right call, we have to get honest about what’s at stake. And these risks aren’t just hypotheticals—they are documented and they are serious.

First, mental health. The connection between heavy smartphone use and poor mental health in teens is now undeniable. Research shows that teens who spend five or more hours a day on their devices are more likely to have a risk factor for suicide. Older who are heavy social media users are more likely to say they’re unhappy compared to their peers who spend less time online.

This is more than just feeling down. We’re seeing a measurable increase in major depression, self-harm, and anxiety, especially in girls. It’s a double-edged sword: the phone itself rewires their brain for distraction, while social media creates a relentless, exhausting performance of social comparison and judgment.

This is something personally we have experienced with our children’s mobile phone use.  They believe it makes them happy but ultimately also unhappy. Its a strange paradox.

Then there’s the physical damage. All that screen time is a thief of sleep. The blue light from their phones actively suppresses melatonin, the hormone that signals it’s time to rest. Teens on screens for three or more hours a day are nearly 30% more likely to get less than seven hours of sleep. And that doesn’t just make them cranky; it torpedoes their mood, their ability to learn, and their overall health.

Please note the dangers of a mobile phone and social media for kids, isn’t just for kids, adults are affected in the same way. Ever woken up in the night looked at your mobile phone and then found it difficult to get back t sleep. That’s the ‘wake up’ blue light.

And of course, there are the classic dangers of an unfiltered internet: exposure to violence or pornography, the very real threat of online predators, and cyberbullying that follows them home, into their bedroom, with no escape. We also can’t ignore privacy. Kids don’t instinctively understand that their personal data is valuable, and they can be easily manipulated into sharing things that put your whole family at risk. Again dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids isn’t just kids it can impact your whole family.

But… we have to be fair. There’s the other fear, right? The fear of what happens if they *don’t* have a phone. Will they be left out? Will they be able to get help if they’re in trouble? This is the core of it all: you feel damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. This conflict can be paralyzing, but it doesn’t have to be. The answer isn’t to just give in or to ban them forever. The answer is to have a plan.

A 5-Step Guide to Mobile Phone Readiness

So what’s a parent to do? The solution isn’t a magic number, because maturity doesn’t show up on a birthday. It’s all about readiness. Here’s a practical, five-step plan to help you decide and to prepare your whole family for this huge step.

Assess Readiness, Not Age.

Forget the age. Ask better questions. Is my child responsible? Does she handle her homework and chores without you having to nag her into oblivion? Does he show empathy for others? Can they be trusted with something valuable? Here’s a great test: how do they handle losing things? If they can’t keep track of a winter coat, they are not ready for a thousand-dollar piece of tech. And this is a moment for you to look in the mirror, too. Are *you* ready to put in the time to monitor their usage and have some tough conversations?

Have “The Talk” – And Put It In Writing.

Before that phone even comes out of the box, you need to set the ground rules. This isn’t a lecture. It’s a conversation that ends with a signed family contract. This contract should cover:

**Boundaries:** Be crystal clear about when and where the mobile phone is off-limits. No phones at the dinner table. No phones in the bedroom overnight. All phones get put away an hour before bed. Period.

**Privacy:** Talk about what’s okay to share online and what isn’t. No full name, no school, no home address.

**Safety:** Get real about online predators and the non-negotiable rule of never meeting up with someone they only know online. And talk about cyberbullying: what it is, that you expect them never to do it, and that they must come to you the second it happens to them.

**Parental Access:** Make it clear that you will have the passwords and the right to check their mobile phone. This isn’t spying; it’s parenting. It’s safety.

The dangers of a mobile phone and social media for kids outweigh their personal privacy in our experience.

Step 3: Choose Your Tools Wisely.

You don’t have to do this alone; there’s tech built to help you. For younger kids, think about a “starter” phone. Companies like Gabb and Pinwheel make devices that look cool but have no internet browser or social media. They can call and text approved people, you can track their location, and they might have some safe, curated apps. It’s all the safety with none of the major risks.

Once you graduate to a smartphone, parental controls are not optional. Apple’s Screen Time and Google’s Family Link are free, powerful tools. You can set time limits on apps, filter content, and approve any new app downloads.

For extra peace of mind, services like Bark can scan their texts and social media for red flags like bullying or depression and alert you. Tools like these can give you peace of mind that barriers are in place to protect from the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids but nothing is fool proof. YOU must keep vigilant.

Establish Clear, Enforceable Consequences.

Rules without consequences are just suggestions. Your contract needs to spell out exactly what happens when a rule is broken, and it should make sense. If they ignore the screen time limits, they lose phone privileges for a day. If you catch them on it after bedtime, maybe they lose it for the whole week.

The point isn’t to punish them; it’s to teach them that a phone is a privilege that is earned and can be lost.

Step 5: Model the Behavior You Want to See.

This is the hardest part, guaranteed. Our kids absorb what we *do* far more than what we *say*. If you’re telling them to get off their mobile phone at dinner while you’re scrolling through work emails, you’ve already lost. Set mobile phone-free times and zones for the whole family. Be present. Show them, with your actions, that real life is way more interesting than anything happening on a screen.

As Jonathan Haidt says, you can’t just take away their screens; you have to give them a real-world childhood in its place.

Conclusion

There is no perfect answer or magic age for this. The decision to give your child a mobile phone is personal, but it doesn’t have to be a blind leap into the abyss. By focusing on their readiness, setting firm boundaries, using the tools you have, and—most importantly—modeling the behavior you want to see, you can give your child the safety of a phone while protecting them from its biggest risks.

Remember, the best parental control mobile phone app on the market is you. It’s your open, trusting relationship with your child. It’s the ongoing conversation. You are their guide to the digital world, just like you are for the real one.

A recent Gallup poll showed that a strong relationship with parents can dramatically lower mental health risks, even for kids with high screen time. You are the most important part of this equation. You aren’t powerless. You are the parent. You’ve got this.

This Blog was written by an adoptive parent of three children who all have a mobile phone. They where allowed a mobile phone at different ages (which was difficult) but necessary. Children develop differently and their abilities and responsibility differs and must be noted. Age is a number no a certainty of responsibility.

Phones are an integral part of our children’s and (admittedly) our lives. Understanding the damaging affects of phones has allowed us to educate our children as to the dangers and benefits of phone use and we hope empower them to use the responsibly.

The Real and On-Line World are difficult to navigate but there is help available.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including deciding when is right to give your child a phone, boundaries you put in place and how you monitor phone and technology use.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions
🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.


👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

A child sat down wondering if its Is it ever right or justified to use violence against children?

Is It Ever OK to Hit Children? The Debate

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Is it ever right to use violence and hit children? If this is a question you’ve asked yourself then keep reading.

On recent edition of a prominent US chat show the host advocated parents to “spank your kid’s a**” instead of being letting children go “crazy”. This was in relation to a news article on gentle parenting.

The question was in relation to a a video where a small child repeatedly smacked he mother in the face. The mother was practicing gentle parenting and was calmly asking her daughter ‘please don’t hit me’.

The assertion being that smacking would stop the child’s behaviour and the host referred more generally to unacceptable behaviour in shops etc, citing his own up upbringing where this type of behaviour would not have tolerated by his family.

So this raises the question. Is it ever OK to hit children and use violence to stop and correct(?) behaviour? Is there a time and place for a smack to stop or correct behavior? We use various phrases, smack, spank but its the same thing, to hit children, to use violence against children.

What is the UK law on people who hit children?

It is unlawful for a parent or carer to hit kids including their own children, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in Section 58 Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation.Whether a ‘spank’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circumstances of each case, taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the spank.

There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.

Smacking was banned in Scotland in 2020 and was followed in Wales in 2022, prompting renewed calls for the UK government to outlaw the practice in England and Northern Ireland.

This information is correct as at 31 7 2025 as provided by The law on smacking children – childlawadvice.org.uk

When you hit and use violence against children, what does it do to a Child’s Brain

As parents, we’d move mountains for our kids. We love them like crazy. And yet, somehow, they have a supernatural ability to push every single one of our buttons, driving us to a point where we might do something we regret… like spank them.

Do parents actually plan to hit kids and use violence or is it an emotional reaction to a situation?

The answer maybe in our upbringing, For previous generation the idea of being able to use violence, to   ‘spank my kid’ was more widespread and accepted.  Generally is was more acceptable to hit kids.  ‘A clip round the ear never did any harm’.  This leads us as parents to think “I turned out fine.” But what if that one smack does more than just sting for a minute? What if it actually sets off a chain reaction in a child’s brain, with effects that can ripple out for a lifetime? We’re going to look at what the science really says about using violence, using spanking and, more importantly, explore what we can do instead to raise kids who are both cooperative and incredibly resilient. If we hit kids their are consequences.

The Problem – A Giant’s Hand

From our grown-up point of view, a smack can seem like a minor, in-the-moment correction. But we have to try, just for a second, to see it through the child’s eyes. To a small child, a parent is everything. They’re your source of safety, your protector, your entire universe. And physically, let’s be honest, we’re giants. To hits kids conveys a message to that child.  I as a parent think its OK to communicate by force and use violence.

 

So when that giant—that source of all safety and love—intentionally causes pain, the child’s world gets flipped upside down. The message they get isn’t really about hitting their sibling.

 

The message is that the one person who is supposed to protect them is also,  sometimes, a threat.

So the simple notion its OK to spank my kid from an adult perspective, triggers far greater emotions and reactions in the child.

This isn’t about shaming parents. It’s about understanding this huge difference in perception. What we see as a quick course correction, a child’s brain registers as a danger signal. And as we’re about to see, that signal triggers a whole series of alarms in their developing mind, changing how they see the world and even how their brain physically gets wired. Decades of research have consistently shown that physical punishment violence is linked to harm to a child’s social, emotional, and cognitive development.

 

 The Science – A Brain on High Alert

So, what’s actually going on in their head when they get smacked? Thanks to neuroimaging, we don’t have to guess anymore. Groundbreaking research, a lot of it from scientists at Harvard, has given us a window right into the brain’s real-time response.

So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences really true? Is it ever ok to hits kids?

In one major study, researchers used MRI scans to watch kids’ brains. They showed the children pictures of faces with either neutral or fearful expressions. What they found was pretty shocking. When they saw the fearful faces, the kids who had been spanked showed way more brain activity in multiple areas of their prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that’s constantly scanning the environment for threats. Essentially, their brains were on high alert, working overtime to find danger.

 

And here’s the kicker: the brain activity of the spanked children looked exactly like the brain activity of children who had suffered what anyone would call severe abuse. Let that sink in for a moment. On a neurological level, the brain doesn’t seem to draw a big line between a smack and other forms of violence. It just recognizes a threat from a caregiver and starts rewiring itself to survive.

 

This constant “threat-detection” mode is a result of the brain’s stress response system getting triggered over and over. When a child is hit, their brain is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. This is the body’s natural alarm, and it’s great for escaping real danger, like a tiger. But when that alarm is constantly being pulled, it becomes toxic to the developing brain. It can even lead to less gray matter in the prefrontal cortex—the very part of the brain in charge of self-control, decision-making, and regulating emotions.

 

Other studies have found that physical punishment is linked to adolescents being extra sensitive to their own mistakes and less responsive to positive things in their life. This state of constant alert, this neurological vigilance, doesn’t just stay in the brain. It spills out into a child’s daily life, with some serious and lasting consequences.

So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences isn’t true. There are  consequences in following the belief that its OK to spank my kid but are there other consequences as well?

 

The changes in the brain that scientists are seeing aren’t just lab results; they show up in a child’s life in very real ways.

 

First, the risk for mental health challenges goes way up. Children who are physically punished are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and substance use disorders down the road. Their brains, basically trained to see threats everywhere, can create a constant, humming background of anxiety. A 2021 study found that kids smacked at age three were more likely to have poor mental health and more difficult behaviors all the way up to age 14.

 

Second, it can actually make kids more aggressive. It seems backward, right? Parents who spank are usually trying to stop aggression. But kids are always watching us. Social learning theory tells us they learn how to solve problems by seeing how we solve problems. When we use our size and power to get what we want, we’re modeling that aggression works. A massive review of studies involving over 160,000 kids confirmed it: physical punishment is linked with more aggression and antisocial behavior, not less. So when we hits kids it shows kids its ok to hit.

 

Third, it damages the single most important parenting tool we have: our relationship. Great parenting is built on a foundation of warmth and trust. Physical punishment chips away at that foundation and replaces it with fear. A child who’s afraid of being hit is not going to come to you for advice or to confess they messed up. That parent-child bond gets weaker, which just makes every other part of parenting harder.

 

And finally, it just doesn’t work to teach the right lesson. A smack might stop a behavior for a minute, but it doesn’t help a child understand why it was wrong. The child’s focus immediately shifts from “what I did” to “the pain I feel” and “my parent is scary.” It teaches them how to not get caught, not how to be a good person. Real discipline—which comes from a word that means “to teach”—is about guiding our kids to develop self-control. Physical punishment just isn’t built for that job.

There are still arguments to hit kids.

The “But I Turned Out Fine” Argument

 

Okay, so right about now, a lot of people are thinking, “But I was spanked, and I turned out fine.” This is probably the number one defense of spanking, and it’s a powerful one, so it’s worth talking about directly.

First off, people are incredibly resilient. We can and do overcome all sorts of difficult childhood experiences to become happy, successful adults. No one is saying that every single child who is spanked is doomed.

 

But let’s gently unpack the “I turned out fine” idea. For one thing, it’s totally subjective. We don’t have a control-version of ourselves to compare to. How do we know how we might have turned out if things were different? Is it possible we could have been even better than fine? Maybe a little less anxious, a little more confident, with a greater capacity for joy? We can’t ever know the road not taken.

More importantly, the mountain of research is clear: while you may have turned out fine, physical punishment dramatically increases the risk of negative outcomes. It’s like saying your grandpa smoked a pack a day and lived to be 90, so smoking isn’t dangerous. We all know that’s not true. We know smoking massively increases the risk of cancer and heart disease, even if not every smoker gets sick. In the exact same way, the evidence is overwhelming that smacking increases the risk of aggression, mental health problems, and struggles with learning.

 

Knowing these risks, the question isn’t, “Will spanking absolutely ruin my child?” The real question is, “Why would I take that risk at all, when there are better, more effective alternatives that build my child up and have no risks attached?”

An alternative way of looking at it is does the belief, its OK to spank my kid, mean you miss out on creating a better, happier and more content version of your child.  So how do you leave the idea its OK to spank my kid behind and progress?

The Solution – Building Brains, Not Fear

 

So, if the goal is to raise great kids without causing harm, what are we supposed to do when our child pushes us right to the edge? The answer is to shift our thinking from punishment to teaching. The goal isn’t to make a child pay for a mistake; it’s to give them the skills they need to not make that mistake again. This is often called positive discipline, and it’s all about connecting with our kids before we correct them.

 

Here are a few powerful alternatives that really work.

First, try a “Time-In” instead of a “Time-Out.” A traditional time-out sends a kid away to handle their overwhelming feelings all by themselves. A time-in means you go with them to a quiet space. You don’t even have to talk at first. You just sit there, being a calm anchor in their emotional storm. This teaches them that you’re their safe space during their hardest moments, not someone who will abandon them.

 

Second, use redirection. Little kids, especially, often “misbehave” out of curiosity or a simple lack of impulse control, not because they’re being malicious. If your toddler is banging a toy on the new coffee table, instead of yelling and smacking their hand, you can say, “Ooh, the car is for the floor! Let’s go find a great ramp for it!” You see their need to play and just steer that energy toward something that works.

 

Third, offer limited choices. A lot of challenging behavior is just a bid for a little bit of power in a world where kids have none. Offering simple choices gives them a sense of control. Instead of barking, “Put your coat on now!” you could try, “It’s time to leave. Do you want to wear the blue coat or the red one?” You’re still in charge—leaving isn’t up for debate—but they get a voice in how it happens.

 

Finally, lean into empathy and communication. After things have calmed down, get on their level. “I saw you were so mad that your sister took your toy. It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hit. Next time you feel that angry, you can stomp your feet or come tell me, and I’ll help you.” This shows them you understand, states the boundary clearly, and gives them a better plan for next time. It’s a masterclass in emotional intelligence.

Conclusion & CTA

The science couldn’t be clearer. That one smack—that split-second decision to use force—does so much more than just sting. It sends a threat signal straight to a child’s brain, changing its development and wiring it for fear. It increases the long-term risk of anxiety, depression, and aggression, and it doesn’t even succeed at teaching the lessons we want our kids to learn.

The idea its OK to spank my kid is outdated and discredited by clear evidence.

But the science also points us to a much better path. By shifting from punishment to connection, we can guide our kids effectively while making our relationship with them even stronger. We can be brain-builders, not fear-builders. It’s not always the easy way, but it’s the one that leads to raising resilient, emotionally healthy, and truly cooperative people.


So were at the end of, is it OK to spank my kid? We hope we have presented the information clearly. We hope you consider and think about your actions as every action has a consequence. We know you want to do the best for your child and even believing its OK to spank my kid, is believing you are doing the best for your child.  We hope this article at the very least makes you think and research the subject yourself.  We hope you keep in mind the alternative to its OK to spank my kid. Maybe replace the word spank with use violence.  Spank sounds soft and without consequences. To use violence sounds more serious and a bigger step. the reality is there both the same. They both use violence.  Smacking is violence.

We’d love to hear from you in the comments – what are some gentle strategies that have worked for your family? Your experience could be a huge help to another parent reading.



Do you still believe its ok to hit kids?

Being a parent is difficult but there is help available.

Being a parent is hard, we know were parents. that why we created CosyChats.com to help other parents by providing much needed personalised parent support.

Parent support that can help you navigate the pitfalls of being a parent. Learn in an empathetic and understanding from the huge experience and knowledge parents on CosyChats have.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues.
Features of CosyChats.com 1-2-1 personalised parenting service.
🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

 

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.
👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

This Blog was written by an adoptive parent of three children who understands children. How yes they can push your buttons but NO doesn’t believe or follow, its OK to spank or use violence on my kid. We do not hit our kids and never will.  They have been through trauma already and accepting its OK to hit kids and use violence just adds to your child’s trauma.

No detail or pictures can be shared to protect the adopted children’s privacy and right to a wonderful new life where physical abuse or violence is not part of their life anymore.