Is it ever right to use violence and hit children? If this is a question you’ve asked yourself then keep reading.
On recent edition of a prominent US chat show the host advocated parents to “spank your kid’s a**” instead of being letting children go “crazy”. This was in relation to a news article on gentle parenting.
The question was in relation to a a video where a small child repeatedly smacked he mother in the face. The mother was practicing gentle parenting and was calmly asking her daughter ‘please don’t hit me’.
The assertion being that smacking would stop the child’s behaviour and the host referred more generally to unacceptable behaviour in shops etc, citing his own up upbringing where this type of behaviour would not have tolerated by his family.
So this raises the question. Is it ever OK to hit children and use violence to stop and correct(?) behaviour? Is there a time and place for a smack to stop or correct behavior? We use various phrases, smack, spank but its the same thing, to hit children, to use violence against children.
What is the UK law on people who hit children?
It is unlawful for a parent or carer to hit kids including their own children, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in Section 58 Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation.Whether a ‘spank’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circumstances of each case, taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the spank.
There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.
Smacking was banned in Scotland in 2020 and was followed in Wales in 2022, prompting renewed calls for the UK government to outlaw the practice in England and Northern Ireland.
This information is correct as at 31 7 2025 as provided by The law on smacking children – childlawadvice.org.uk
When you hit and use violence against children, what does it do to a Child’s Brain
As parents, we’d move mountains for our kids. We love them like crazy. And yet, somehow, they have a supernatural ability to push every single one of our buttons, driving us to a point where we might do something we regret… like spank them.
Do parents actually plan to hit kids and use violence or is it an emotional reaction to a situation?
The answer maybe in our upbringing, For previous generation the idea of being able to use violence, to ‘spank my kid’ was more widespread and accepted. Generally is was more acceptable to hit kids. ‘A clip round the ear never did any harm’. This leads us as parents to think “I turned out fine.” But what if that one smack does more than just sting for a minute? What if it actually sets off a chain reaction in a child’s brain, with effects that can ripple out for a lifetime? We’re going to look at what the science really says about using violence, using spanking and, more importantly, explore what we can do instead to raise kids who are both cooperative and incredibly resilient. If we hit kids their are consequences.
The Problem – A Giant’s Hand
From our grown-up point of view, a smack can seem like a minor, in-the-moment correction. But we have to try, just for a second, to see it through the child’s eyes. To a small child, a parent is everything. They’re your source of safety, your protector, your entire universe. And physically, let’s be honest, we’re giants. To hits kids conveys a message to that child. I as a parent think its OK to communicate by force and use violence.
So when that giant—that source of all safety and love—intentionally causes pain, the child’s world gets flipped upside down. The message they get isn’t really about hitting their sibling.
The message is that the one person who is supposed to protect them is also, sometimes, a threat.
So the simple notion its OK to spank my kid from an adult perspective, triggers far greater emotions and reactions in the child.
This isn’t about shaming parents. It’s about understanding this huge difference in perception. What we see as a quick course correction, a child’s brain registers as a danger signal. And as we’re about to see, that signal triggers a whole series of alarms in their developing mind, changing how they see the world and even how their brain physically gets wired. Decades of research have consistently shown that physical punishment violence is linked to harm to a child’s social, emotional, and cognitive development.
The Science – A Brain on High Alert
So, what’s actually going on in their head when they get smacked? Thanks to neuroimaging, we don’t have to guess anymore. Groundbreaking research, a lot of it from scientists at Harvard, has given us a window right into the brain’s real-time response.
So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences really true? Is it ever ok to hits kids?
In one major study, researchers used MRI scans to watch kids’ brains. They showed the children pictures of faces with either neutral or fearful expressions. What they found was pretty shocking. When they saw the fearful faces, the kids who had been spanked showed way more brain activity in multiple areas of their prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that’s constantly scanning the environment for threats. Essentially, their brains were on high alert, working overtime to find danger.
And here’s the kicker: the brain activity of the spanked children looked exactly like the brain activity of children who had suffered what anyone would call severe abuse. Let that sink in for a moment. On a neurological level, the brain doesn’t seem to draw a big line between a smack and other forms of violence. It just recognizes a threat from a caregiver and starts rewiring itself to survive.
This constant “threat-detection” mode is a result of the brain’s stress response system getting triggered over and over. When a child is hit, their brain is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. This is the body’s natural alarm, and it’s great for escaping real danger, like a tiger. But when that alarm is constantly being pulled, it becomes toxic to the developing brain. It can even lead to less gray matter in the prefrontal cortex—the very part of the brain in charge of self-control, decision-making, and regulating emotions.
Other studies have found that physical punishment is linked to adolescents being extra sensitive to their own mistakes and less responsive to positive things in their life. This state of constant alert, this neurological vigilance, doesn’t just stay in the brain. It spills out into a child’s daily life, with some serious and lasting consequences.
So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences isn’t true. There are consequences in following the belief that its OK to spank my kid but are there other consequences as well?
The changes in the brain that scientists are seeing aren’t just lab results; they show up in a child’s life in very real ways.
First, the risk for mental health challenges goes way up. Children who are physically punished are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and substance use disorders down the road. Their brains, basically trained to see threats everywhere, can create a constant, humming background of anxiety. A 2021 study found that kids smacked at age three were more likely to have poor mental health and more difficult behaviors all the way up to age 14.
Second, it can actually make kids more aggressive. It seems backward, right? Parents who spank are usually trying to stop aggression. But kids are always watching us. Social learning theory tells us they learn how to solve problems by seeing how we solve problems. When we use our size and power to get what we want, we’re modeling that aggression works. A massive review of studies involving over 160,000 kids confirmed it: physical punishment is linked with more aggression and antisocial behavior, not less. So when we hits kids it shows kids its ok to hit.
Third, it damages the single most important parenting tool we have: our relationship. Great parenting is built on a foundation of warmth and trust. Physical punishment chips away at that foundation and replaces it with fear. A child who’s afraid of being hit is not going to come to you for advice or to confess they messed up. That parent-child bond gets weaker, which just makes every other part of parenting harder.
And finally, it just doesn’t work to teach the right lesson. A smack might stop a behavior for a minute, but it doesn’t help a child understand why it was wrong. The child’s focus immediately shifts from “what I did” to “the pain I feel” and “my parent is scary.” It teaches them how to not get caught, not how to be a good person. Real discipline—which comes from a word that means “to teach”—is about guiding our kids to develop self-control. Physical punishment just isn’t built for that job.
There are still arguments to hit kids.
The “But I Turned Out Fine” Argument
Okay, so right about now, a lot of people are thinking, “But I was spanked, and I turned out fine.” This is probably the number one defense of spanking, and it’s a powerful one, so it’s worth talking about directly.
First off, people are incredibly resilient. We can and do overcome all sorts of difficult childhood experiences to become happy, successful adults. No one is saying that every single child who is spanked is doomed.
But let’s gently unpack the “I turned out fine” idea. For one thing, it’s totally subjective. We don’t have a control-version of ourselves to compare to. How do we know how we might have turned out if things were different? Is it possible we could have been even better than fine? Maybe a little less anxious, a little more confident, with a greater capacity for joy? We can’t ever know the road not taken.
More importantly, the mountain of research is clear: while you may have turned out fine, physical punishment dramatically increases the risk of negative outcomes. It’s like saying your grandpa smoked a pack a day and lived to be 90, so smoking isn’t dangerous. We all know that’s not true. We know smoking massively increases the risk of cancer and heart disease, even if not every smoker gets sick. In the exact same way, the evidence is overwhelming that smacking increases the risk of aggression, mental health problems, and struggles with learning.
Knowing these risks, the question isn’t, “Will spanking absolutely ruin my child?” The real question is, “Why would I take that risk at all, when there are better, more effective alternatives that build my child up and have no risks attached?”
An alternative way of looking at it is does the belief, its OK to spank my kid, mean you miss out on creating a better, happier and more content version of your child. So how do you leave the idea its OK to spank my kid behind and progress?
The Solution – Building Brains, Not Fear
So, if the goal is to raise great kids without causing harm, what are we supposed to do when our child pushes us right to the edge? The answer is to shift our thinking from punishment to teaching. The goal isn’t to make a child pay for a mistake; it’s to give them the skills they need to not make that mistake again. This is often called positive discipline, and it’s all about connecting with our kids before we correct them.
Here are a few powerful alternatives that really work.
First, try a “Time-In” instead of a “Time-Out.” A traditional time-out sends a kid away to handle their overwhelming feelings all by themselves. A time-in means you go with them to a quiet space. You don’t even have to talk at first. You just sit there, being a calm anchor in their emotional storm. This teaches them that you’re their safe space during their hardest moments, not someone who will abandon them.
Second, use redirection. Little kids, especially, often “misbehave” out of curiosity or a simple lack of impulse control, not because they’re being malicious. If your toddler is banging a toy on the new coffee table, instead of yelling and smacking their hand, you can say, “Ooh, the car is for the floor! Let’s go find a great ramp for it!” You see their need to play and just steer that energy toward something that works.
Third, offer limited choices. A lot of challenging behavior is just a bid for a little bit of power in a world where kids have none. Offering simple choices gives them a sense of control. Instead of barking, “Put your coat on now!” you could try, “It’s time to leave. Do you want to wear the blue coat or the red one?” You’re still in charge—leaving isn’t up for debate—but they get a voice in how it happens.
Finally, lean into empathy and communication. After things have calmed down, get on their level. “I saw you were so mad that your sister took your toy. It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hit. Next time you feel that angry, you can stomp your feet or come tell me, and I’ll help you.” This shows them you understand, states the boundary clearly, and gives them a better plan for next time. It’s a masterclass in emotional intelligence.
Conclusion & CTA
The science couldn’t be clearer. That one smack—that split-second decision to use force—does so much more than just sting. It sends a threat signal straight to a child’s brain, changing its development and wiring it for fear. It increases the long-term risk of anxiety, depression, and aggression, and it doesn’t even succeed at teaching the lessons we want our kids to learn.
The idea its OK to spank my kid is outdated and discredited by clear evidence.
But the science also points us to a much better path. By shifting from punishment to connection, we can guide our kids effectively while making our relationship with them even stronger. We can be brain-builders, not fear-builders. It’s not always the easy way, but it’s the one that leads to raising resilient, emotionally healthy, and truly cooperative people.
So were at the end of, is it OK to spank my kid? We hope we have presented the information clearly. We hope you consider and think about your actions as every action has a consequence. We know you want to do the best for your child and even believing its OK to spank my kid, is believing you are doing the best for your child. We hope this article at the very least makes you think and research the subject yourself. We hope you keep in mind the alternative to its OK to spank my kid. Maybe replace the word spank with use violence. Spank sounds soft and without consequences. To use violence sounds more serious and a bigger step. the reality is there both the same. They both use violence. Smacking is violence.
We’d love to hear from you in the comments – what are some gentle strategies that have worked for your family? Your experience could be a huge help to another parent reading.
Do you still believe its ok to hit kids?
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This Blog was written by an adoptive parent of three children who understands children. How yes they can push your buttons but NO doesn’t believe or follow, its OK to spank or use violence on my kid. We do not hit our kids and never will. They have been through trauma already and accepting its OK to hit kids and use violence just adds to your child’s trauma.
No detail or pictures can be shared to protect the adopted children’s privacy and right to a wonderful new life where physical abuse or violence is not part of their life anymore.
How To Create Positive Role Models For Children
Why do children need positive role models?
Younger children look up to their parents like hero’s. Sheer bewilderment about how amazing you are. How you are the source of knowledge and authority. For them you are the source of the universe but as children grow so do influences on them. They begin to form their own opinions and find influence and hero worship elsewhere. As parents you understand this. As difficult as it is to relinquish that role, you cannot be your child’s only hero. There has to be space for other hero’s for your children but as parents you cannot control these choices or influences.
Read Blog: How to Create a Strong Relationship With Your Children – Cosychats
Your parents probably spoke about not falling in with the wrong crowd and while that is true there is a whole new crowd on-line and in social media. So many of these influences are poor and /or misguided.
Your children need positive role models. As parents we need to guide them or at the very least be able to have a conversation to counter the toxic bubbles that exist online. Teenage years especially can be hard and parents need to keep on talking, keep on being a positive part your child’s life.
Read Blog: Are TEENAGERS Safe With Their Lives Online?
Positive role model’s are like a light that guide your children through a dark forest of life where pitfalls and evils lurk. Self doubt, body shaming, drugs, alcohol the list is endless but your child is not alone you are their for them. You are their guide and you may lose sight of them at times but you keep your beacon of positively and support aloft for them.
Parents need to be able to provide positive support and guidance for their children.
It sounds so obvious but so many parent lose sight of this. ‘They’ve made their own choices and must suffer the consequences.’ While natural consequence is a way of learning its not a way of washing your hands of you children. Your children need that positive guide throughout their lives. We never lose the need for parental support and wisdom. Cosychats is built upon the benefit of sharing experience and knowledge and this is so true of the parent child relationship.
You never give up on your children.
Read: FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Not Theirs?
There are so many competing influences and voices tempting your children.
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The Power of Social Media and the Internet
We know children no longer watch TV preferring social media videos and influencers.
Children spend six hours or more a day on screens – BBC News
This is a world parents may not understand or be part of. Its a largely an unregulated world relying on the free speech argument. Online safety laws unsatisfactory, Technology Secretary Peter Kyle says – BBC News
Children can now easily find role models online and here in lies the problem. There is little or no regulation that prevents children forming unrealistic and damaging expectations due to the influence of role models.
If you think this is harmless browsing think again.
Kent headteachers back smartphone ban after Netflix’s Adolescence – BBC News
‘Boys formed Andrew Tate club in School’ – teacher
Our experience echo’s this where my 11 year old son starting quoting Andrew Tate to me. Talking about women in a derogatory way and using explicit terms. I was quite shocked but i shouldn’t have been surprised. This is the world they live in.
What did surprise me was that he didn’t take much notice of me. I was the positive role model and being ignored
CosyChats is for parents by parents. Were here to listen and support you with whatever help you need being a parent. We’re a parenting community that understands how difficult being a parent can be.
When i tried to explain why Andrew Tate wasn’t a positive role model. What Andrew Tate represents and says aren’t good things, he looked at me and said i didn’t know what i was talking about. This wasn’t going to be a quick conversation and it took plenty of explaining to challenge the stereotype he had formed.
How to create positive role models for children?
Be a positive role model.
Now more than ever parents need to be positive role models. Check your behavior. Think about what you project to your children. Re-enforce your own positive behaviour.
Talk to your children.
Understand what they are viewing. Whet they are interested in. Who their friends are. Its not an inquisition, do it calmly and compassionately.
Discuss things.
If they mention a influence or belief you don’t agree with explore it with them. Don’t just shut them down. With my son it took a few conversations to put an alternative view across. I didn’t just say Andrew Tate was wrong as that’s my view. Its about understanding his view and exploring it to educate him and then re enforcing the education.
Be vigilant
Its surprising how quickly views from. From an early age. In the BBC report the boys were under 10. Social media and the internet mean your children are exposed to greater content at an earlier age. That positive role model may not be in your child’s life and you don’t realise it.
Being a parent is amazing and life changing but also difficult and challenging. Children can test you and we believe every parent needs plenty of support. We know we’re parents ourselves. Speak to other parents and get the help you need and the support your family needs.
Check your internet setting.
If you don’t have child filters on, turn them on but don’t rely on them. They didn’t stop my son learning about Andrew Tate.
Promote positive influences
Use positive role models. Explore and share positive role models. Don’t force it maybe just put a picture up and let them explore. Use local clubs. Sports clubs can have positive role models and have positive influences built in. Boxing clubs teach respect and self discipline. Football clubs promote team work. Libraries usually have book and reading clubs. We have a great local art centre that does loads of half terms clubs and events to promote creativity and self expression.
CosyChats Personalised Parent Support for You, because Family Is Everything.
CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together. How to leave your parenting guilt at the door and build a solid and happy relationship with your children.
Parents on Cosychats.
🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions
🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame
👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small
👩👦Offering Compassion and Understanding
🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be
🧑🤝🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience
💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control
Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.
👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.
👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.
👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.
👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.
👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.
👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.
👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.
👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.
👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.
👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.
CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together.