Tag Archives: parenting challenges

Parental Support For Fearful Children

How to provide parental support to fearful children?

A new survey of the perception of safe spaces for women casts a worrying fear among young women as to their safety.

The survey of women found, 31% of women avoiding taking public transport alone and 56% of women feel unsafe travelling alone, a third of women avoiding public transport.

The survey also found, 86% of women avoided going out after dark, rising in girls of colour. Fears around women’s safety being paramount in the responses.

Fears around solo travel and personal safety for women have led to behaviour changes with girls changing what they wear, where they socialise and exercise to avoid harassment.

The survey also worryingly identified young women respondents  do not feel schools are safe places, 58% of school children saying they had heard toxic comments including 32% of young women  seeing a member of staff subjected to sexist or misogynistic abuse.

With 1 in  10 school girls saying they did not feel safe at school.  The figures rise across the board for LGBTQ+ or  disabled girls with  pupils intentionally missing school to avoid harassment.

These are worrying statistics that represent the fear that exists in so many young women. For parents this fear presents a parenting challenge. How to keep your children safe and give them the confidence to live their life.

How do Parents Support Fearful Children?

Parent Support Action No1- Identify the fear in your child.

My son is terrified of tsunamis. We has a real fear of tsunamis, so much so he doesn’t really like going to the sea side. We know this because when we go to the seaside he gets nervous. His fear is clearly displayed but when your child’s behaviour isn’t.

As the survey results above show children avoid their fears by avoiding the situation. The behaviour may mask the fear. As parents children not wanting to go to school is common but understanding the reasons why helps understand the fear. 1 in 10 children saying they did not feel safe at school.

Parent Support Action No2. – Having an open, shame and blame free dialogue with your child.

Parent support is often giving your children space and security to communicate without fear of embarrassment or shame.  In the same way Cosychats offers, Parent support free from judgement and shame, parents need to offer their children the same safe space.  Where children can communicate their feeling’s and fears openly.

Don’t dismiss your child’s fears as trivial or unrealistic.

Your child’s fears are fears for them. They may out grow them but at his moment they are real and impact full  to your child.

When providing parent support one of the CosyChats motto’s is ‘No problem is too big, No question too small or trivial’.  We offer that support to parents.  Parents need to offer the same support and free safe space to their children.  This will allow them to understand their children and understand their fears.

Parent Support Action No3. – Understanding your child’s fears allows you to understand their actions.

Your child is afraid of being bullied at school for being different. To avoid the bullying they avoid school.

Without this understanding you just see a child refusing to go to school.  With the understanding you know why they don’t want to go to school and can help.

Parent Support Action No4 – Deciding how best to help a fearful child.

We helped our son by understanding his fear more.  He fears tsunamis but also fears a natural disaster ending his family life.  He fears being left alone and losing his family. This really helped us understand him and allowed us to help him.

Your child’s fear may justified or not. It doesn’t really matter I think. Its their fear. Its how they deal with it that matters. How you as a parent support them in dealing with their fears.

Whether that is avoiding the fear or accepting the fear and continuing.

The older I’ve got the more afraid i am of roller coasters and fairground rides.  I don’t go on rides.  I’m fearful and i’m OK with that.  It works for me but fear can prevent you living your life.

Parenting Support – How to Support a Fearful Child

Conclusions for Parent Support.
  1. Create a safe space to communicate with your child
  2. Identify and understand your child’s fears and behaviours
  3. Accept not dismiss fears.
  4. Decide how best to help your child.

CosyChats is a Parent Support Service for Parents.

CosyChats supports personalised parent support. CosyChats offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.
Why Parents Should use the CosyChats parent support service.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions

🧷Safe Parent Support Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Parenting Problem Is Too Big and No Parenting Question Too Small

👩‍👦Parents Supporting Parents Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘Practical Parenting Support Created by UK Parents

🧑🏼‍🦱Parent Mentoring from Parents with Real Lived Parenting Knowledge & Experience

💻Online Parenting Support from the comfort of your own home.

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats parent support service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼A Personal Parenting Mentor for you

👍🏼Parent support via phone, Text or On-Line.

👍🏼Parent Support Groups for key development stages

👍🏼Flexible parenting support sessions.

👍🏼Online parenting support at a reasonable cost.

👍🏼Parent support sessions can be gifted to a parent who needs parental support.

👍🏼Parent to parent support group harness wide parenting experience.

👍🏼Parenting support services are booked in 10 minute slots.

👍🏼Parenting support from real parents who want to help.

 

Call to action. – Parents need to educate their sons.

Educating your children to improve women’s safety.

If the survey results disappointed, saddened and scared you, as they did me then do something about it. Parents lets be more proactive around women’s safety. Be proactive in discussions with your children. Be mindful of influences on your children.  Counter the toxic male stereotypes and behaviours that are promoted against women.  Teach our children to be respectful and value women’s safety. To understand actions and words can have a serious impact on another persons fears and self worth.

As a parent of boys and girls this is so important as we have seen the toxic impact on all our children.

Being parents isn’t easy and there are more and more traps and pitfalls to fall into.  That’s why we set up CosyChats com to help support and guide parents.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to educate your children and give them the best and most effective life skills.

If you need help being a parent.  Raising happy and well rounded children. We’re here for you offering practical and emotional support.  Parenting knowledge and experience, all in a judgment free space.

More Parent Support From CosyChats

Does your child spend their life on-line?

Women’s safety fears can lead children and teenagers to spend more time on-line. A teenagers life can increasing be on-line and not real world. Should we as parents be worried about this? Read our latest blog ‘When On-line Becomes Your Teenagers Life‘



Are you fearful of your daughter going out but also staying in too much. Modern parenting can be confusing and contradictory. We’re parents to and were here to provide Parenting help and Support.

Parents do you struggle to balance work and life?

You need to Read This blog ‘How to Balance Work and Life’ and still have time for your family.

“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”

– Dolly Parton, Country Singer

Parents Of Teenagers on Cosychats.

 

Thank you for reading this blog (Parental Support For Fearful Children).

Survey resource

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together.  How to leave your parenting guilt at the door and build a solid and happy relationship with your children.

 

A parent protesting about not being listened to about school support

Are Schools IGNORING Parents’ Concerns?

Kids, School, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When it comes to school support are schools ignoring parents concerns?

In our experience its and overwhelming yes and its bl__dy frustrating!!!

This is our experience, your school and experience may be different (we hope it is).  The schools we interacted with where both outstanding rated.

I’m Not Being Listened To By My Child’s School.

Let set down exactly what we mean.  Our children were displaying different behaviours at school to home.  Nothing unusual or concerning about that you say?  Well there is.

Girls especially are good at masking.

Getting to school was a nightmare.  Lots of tears, push back and emotion.  The morning routine became a horrible chore of distress and anxiety. This was a horrible and draining way to start the day.  We dreaded mornings but every day we got them up and at least one would have a melt down.  That the way it was.

Screaming Stops at the school gates.

The school didn’t see this as when we got near the school gates the children would ‘calm’ and turn into robots.  it was so sad to see.   At school they were outwardly model students and  quietly just got on with it.  In  reality they were just masking.  Turning into statues so no one would notice them but all the time rage was building up.

The Angry Child Erupts The Moment they walk through the door from school.

Once their back from school the anger comes out and it was unleashed on mum.  This is a horrible and very hurtful thing to endure even if you understand they only do this because the feel safe enough to do it.

The lack of joined up approach from school.

We spoke to our children and they spoke of the pressure of school.  Learning was too difficult.  School too noisy and chaotic. When you say things like this to schools it can get their backs up straight away and they go on the defensive citing all manner of things.

School Support  – Reality 

The children have never come to us and said this – they won’t their far to scared to do that.

They look fine at school – their just masking fear and anxiety 

We don’t see any of that behaviour – see above

We can’t do anything if we don’t see the behaviour – I feel like you don’t believe me.

Our hands are tied – Are they really? 

What Does It Feel Like when Schools Don’t Accept Your Comments or Worse Effectively Ignore You.

You sit in a meeting and share your feedback on what your child is like at home. What the morning school run and after school child is like.  The extremes of behaviour, anxiety and sadness.  The angry or deflated robot child.

You share this to tell the school what is happening.  Inform them of the behaviour with the expectation this will make a difference and they will take notice and make allowances for your child at school but they don’t.  The head of year or whoever it is looks at you and say something like ‘that’s surprising as we don’t see that behaviour at school’.

Why don’t schools believe parents?

We’ve sat in meeting where they’ve asked whats going on at home.  Is there something else happening that would explaining the behaviour.

To an outsider this might sound reasonable as they don’t see the behaviour in school but its not.  As a parent you don’t feel believed.  that you don’t know your own children and this is incredibly annoying and frustrating.

School support can impact home life and schools don’t ways recognise this.

Schools don’t want to accept or create issues they don’t see.

Schools can be reluctant to hear you. They don’t want to create issues that don’t exist for them.  What happens at school is different to home.  They say the right things about being joined up with parents but it doesn’t work in practice.

This just makes your blood boil and its easy to get annoyed and emotional.  Its too much.  You can see the bahaviour at home and that the school need to make allowances but the message isn’t getting through.

That horrible moment when you know nothing is going to change and school support isn’t forthcoming.

At That moment you can feel the floor opening up and you falling in. If school doesn’t believe you nothing will change.  You and you child will continue the cycle of pain and emotion.

Its so bl__dy frustrating and draining. Being a parent is hard enough without having to fight schools to get the help and support your child needs and would Benefit from.

Is OFSTED To Blame as Schools Hide behind their OFSTED rating.

One strange thing was the school repeating back their OFSTED rating to us.  You know we are an Outstanding school.  Like this solves your child’s problem.  It doesn’t and schools are quick to point this out. Their right and your wrong.

The schools (both Outstanding Rated) put a lot of faith in the outstanding rating and yes its good but it doesn’t mean the school is always right.  It doesn’t mean the school knows everything. It doesn’t mean they know and understand your child.

In our experience outstanding can be running a tight ship to keep the outstanding but it can also be not wanting anything to put that rating at risk.  Not wanting to accept faults in the school or the system. How can there be as we got an outstanding rating?

Primary schools don’t want to tackle problems and cite age.  They’re too young or they’ll grow out of it.  Kicking the can down the road to secondary schools.

This is our understanding and perception.

Keep Your Cool

In our experience the worst thing you can do is lose your cool.  Its very hard not to when your not being heard but losing your cool doesn’t help. In fact it just reinforces the idea that there must be more going on here and  weakens your argument.  You feel your access to school support slip away even more.

You become (or feel) labelled as a disruptive parent.

What to do when schools don’t listen.

Don’t give up.  Share videos of home behaviour.  Get professional assessments (Difficult we know) as evidence counts.  Schools listen more to professionals.  Schools should support you and recognise the home behaviour for what it is.  Not bad behaviour but a child being overwhelmed. Schools can give brain breaks and allocate hall passes to allow movement during quieter times.  These simple things helped our children but they took alot.

Don’t ever feel you are an inconvenience. Put your child’s view across and make it the schools problem as well. Not in an unreasonable way but in a way that presents the problem and what you want as a solution.

Schools understandably don’t like being flexible but one size doesn’t fit every child.

Do Schools need to see the behaviour to allocate School Support?

If our experience yes.  Schools don’t listen to parents where they behaviour isn’t being repeated at school.  We took videos and audio and shared that with the school but while they acknowledge the behaviour at home this doesn’t mean school support is forthcoming but the videos did help soften their approach.

Finding the right person.

Like many things in life finding the right person really helps.  The person who gets it and understands the problem.  We did this by having meetings with the school. Explaining the situation, our frustration and showing them videos of our children having melt downs and anger out bursts.

Get professionals to agree with you.  Get an EHCP if you can.

Schools can listen more to professionals or its more difficult for them to ignore you when a professional agrees with you.  Our experience is the latter. Get an EHCP is you can.  Yes it can be difficult but it puts a clear requirement on the school and if that school can’t meet the ECHP requirement you can seek alternatives.

An ECHP should give you eligibility to more school support.

Keep notes.  Send Emails

Put your lawyers hat on.  Make a record of events at home to find a connection with school.  Changing for PE was a trigger for our child.  Note interactions with school and the local authority.  note when you raised concerns and if its verbally send an email confirming the conversation / concern.  Its more difficult for the school to deny responsibility when you have an audit trail.  This sounds difficult but its all possible and its so worth it if your school says they didn’t know and you can produce evidence of them being told and concerns raised especially if your specific.

If Schools Listened and were more flexible.

It seems a better solution for schools to listen to parents more.  We understand our children and have an idea what they need and what things trigger them.  We understand schools are challenging and they provide the building blocks of life but sometimes small changes and provisions can make a big difference.

Using a laptop instead of a pen/pencil.

Having Brain Breaks.

Having a hall pass to move at quieter times.

Doing a reduced timetable when it get too much.

Getting help is vital!!!.

For us the key was getting help.  Getting people who understand what we were saying and most notably understood how schools can behave.  How they can shut themselves off to parents input.

We got support, help and direction.  We collected evidence and times.  We presented it in meetings.  We kept raising the issues.  We feedback quickly and feedback from our children.  We made it difficult for them to ignore our concerns. Difficult not to give us school support.

Its very demoralising sitting in a school meeting and not being heard when you know your right.  Sometimes just having someone say they understand and your right is enough to relight that fire in you and go back to the school.

Please Don’t Give UP

We know its hard.  We know its emotional and draining but if your in that same situation or similar of not being believed.  Not being  understood.  Don’t give up.  Your children will suffer and life is too short to be unhappy.

CosyChats was set up to share the experience and knowledge of parents.  To make life easier for parents.    There are many parents on Cosy Chats who have been through  the hardship of dealing with Schools CAMHS.

Please get the help and school support you need.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.

How to deal with schools and be heard by schools.  There are parents on CosyChats who have been through this and can share their experience and knowledge to help you.

Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

Home or Alternative Schooling

We did spend a lot of time in meetings and there were people in the school who eventually were being accommodating and more flexible but sometimes you have to realise mainstream school isn’t right for your child.

For us a smaller more flexible school was more suitable.

The is a big decision as mainstream schools offer so much more that smaller schools but school support is easier in a smaller setting.  Yes they’re overwhelming but sometimes its best to stick it out.  Strange to say that given everything we’ve said above but its true a smaller more flexible school might be easier for your child but its not going to be as challenging (academically) or as rich a social experience.  Stating the obvious they are for children with anxiety and social limitations.  This may not be the right environment for your child.  In our experience it wasn’t a perfect solution.

Home Schooling

For some children this works  but again we don’t think its the perfect solution.  Hours are less. Social interaction less and you are reliant on the tutor forming a nurturing relationship with your child.

 

Our Story

We ended up with a three school solution’s smaller school, home schooling and more nurturing provision within secondary school.  This took a lot of meetings and discussion. The secondary school was more flexible and with our third child reacted quickly to our concerns.

There are teachers who dismissed our concerns early on and cause untold additional work and heartache and teachers who where so determined to help us and our children they went above and beyond and to them and the school support they instigated we are forever grateful.  We hope our experience helps parents but also helps schools understand and be more open and accepting of parents input.

Schools lead to college and adult life.  The problems don’t disappear they just change.

We are an adopted family from Essex.  To preserve our children’s privacy and life we do not share any personal details.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.

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a picture of a family wondering Is Having KIDS a GOOD Idea?

Should We Have Children

Blog, New Parents, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Having Kids is not a given but are the sacrifices worth it?

There are so many reasons NOT to have children that sometimes it feels overwhelming and frightening thinking about having kids. Lets be clear having kids is both of those things and many more but for us the joys far out weight the fears and negatives.

Before we start I don’t want you to read this blog and think I’ve persuaded you to have kids. YOU must want children.

This blog is for people who want children but are faced with so may fears and negatives they retreat back in fear from the decision.

Acknowledging the Doubts

We’re often told that to choose children, you have to be ready to sacrifice it all: your freedom, lifestyle, finances,  your body, your career, your sleep, your very identity. That’s a terrifying thought and not one that i’m going to say isn’t true.  All those things can be true.  It’s the main reason people end up on the fence. We see parenthood as a list of losses. But that’s only half the story.  What if the things you gain are so immense, so foundational, that you can’t even measure them? The truth is, having children is probably the biggest and greatest decision you’ll probably make in your life.

Let’s start with the “before,” because I think it’s where most people reading this are.

The world constantly reminds us of the reasons to say no to having kids. We hear about the financial strain, the environmental impact, and the sheer, bone-deep exhaustion.

For women they may look at their careers and wonder how we could possibly step away, even for a little while. We’re afraid of losing the identity we’ve worked so hard to build. We see the curated perfection on social media and feel the insane pressure to be a “perfect parent,” which feels like an impossible standard.

On top of all that, there’s a deeper, more existential fear. Are we ready? Is this a world we should bring a child into? These questions are heavy, and they are valid.

It’s easy to look at the sleepless nights and the massive responsibilities and just say, “No, thank you. My life is good as it is.” It’s okay to feel that your life is full without having kids. It’s okay to be scared of the change children bring. Both are valid.

The barriers to having kids.

So lets look at two of the biggest issues.  Cost and Change.

Cost: Children can (do) cost a lot of money.

No getting away from it children are expensive.  They are a drain on finances but is cost a valid reason not to have kids.  No one wants to see children brought into poverty but what is poverty?  Not going on foreign holidays isn’t poverty.  Taking hand me downs isn’t poverty.  Scrimping and saving isn’t necessarily poverty.  Sure there are sacrifices but children from low incomes homes are no less loved, no less cared for, by parents who love and cherish their children whatever.

I admire families that have to watch the pennies, who don’t have luxuries but have the greatest luxury of all, each other.

My father talked about a ‘rich mans paradise’, having everything material, big house, nice car, suntan but really owning nothing valuable as really none of those luxuries matter.

I’ll give you a moment to think about that…..

Families can make do without a lot and sacrifices will have to be made but whether or not you can afford children is a decision. Be honest if you still want nice holidays and cars and can’t afford children as well, DON’t feel guilty about this.  I certainly don’t blame you.  You have decided life is for you and living and i’m sure there are many parents who look at you enviously sometimes.

Do you sums with and without children. If you are willing to make sacrifices then you need to decide if the sacrifices in having children are worth making. Can you go without and make do, whatever make do looks like for you.

It maybe tough financially. Money maybe tighter but life’s not perfect and money’s not everything.  It maybe baked beans on toast for several years but if your willing there’s a way.

This may sound flippant as MONEY is a huge concern for many people but look back over generations money has been tight. Think of your own childhood, did you have lots of money, presents piled high. Go back another generation and it was fruit and one toy for presents. The point is yes money is a big thing and yes children cost money in lots of ways BUT money doesn’t make a child happy, the love, attention, play and presence of their parents and family does.

This is a decision you CAN make.

Change: The Change in life.

This ones quite simple.  Its huge but its not all sleepless nights and nappy changes, although that is a lot of it.  Its equally looking at your child with emotion you didn’t think you had.  Love so real it hurts to your bones to think of losing it.  The change is life changing but in such a good way.

The fear of change is often worse than change itself.  We adapt and get on with it.  The freedoms you had before will not be there but parenting life isn’t a ball and chains, there are still moments of freedom and time to be yourself.  Just far less of them  🙂.

Is anyone anyone ever ready?

This is a key point for anyone on the fence: you’ll probably never feel 100% “ready.” There’s never a perfect time. You’ll never feel like you have quite enough money, your house will never feel big enough, and you’ll never feel wise enough. The decision to have a child isn’t about checking off a list of requirements. It’s about being ready to grow. It’s about being open to the idea that your life could be about more than just you.

No one can tell you when and if your ready for this. You’ll know when your ready but don’t let it be because of a list of things you need to tick.  Sure be practical, be realistic but don’t become so fearful of the list of reasons you shouldn’t have children, you become blinkered to anything else.

The unexpected. A new sense of purpose, parenting and legacy.

Parents often say they have a new, profound sense of purpose. Life is no longer abstract and lacking direction. Purpose is tangible, real and laying in their arms, needing them for literally everything.

You see your own parents in a new light, with a whole new appreciation for what they did. It can strengthen your bond with your partner as you navigate this huge challenge together, and research has shown that fathers, in particular, often report more meaning in their lives when they have a good relationship with their child. <BR><BR>And interestingly, some studies suggest that the increased social support and healthier behaviors tied to raising kids might even lead to parents living longer lives.<

Finally, there’s the idea of legacy. This isn’t about creating a mini-me. It’s about passing on your values, your stories, and your love. It’s about knowing that a part of you, in the most beautiful sense, carries on. It’s a connection to the future that is both humbling and awe-inspiring. You are a link in a chain, and your job is to make that chain as strong and as loving as you can.

What to Consider – The Real Questions

So, if you’re still on the fence, what should you really be asking yourself? The question isn’t, “Am I ready to give things up?” The real question is, “Am I open to a different kind of fulfillment?”

Forget the checklists. The real questions are deeper. Are you willing to have your definition of happiness completely taken apart and then rebuilt into something bigger and more resilient? Are you open to discovering a love that isn’t transactional, but sacrificial—and in turn, more rewarding than any love you’ve known?

Are you ready to grow in ways you can’t even imagine, to be pushed to your limits and find out you’re stronger than you ever thought?

Parenthood isn’t the only path to a meaningful life, and it’s a deeply personal choice that should never be made because of pressure. But it is a uniquely trans-formative one. The fear of losing your identity is real, but what I’ve found is that you don’t lose yourself. You find a deeper, more essential version of yourself that was there all along, just waiting to be needed.

My personal experience

Do it.  You’ll manage somehow.  You’ll find a way.  Sure there are sacrifices, sometimes huge sacrifices but the rewards are FAR bigger for me.  The sense of belonging and doing (being part of) something amazing are real. The love and connection is real, even if you can barely see it when they become teenagers.

Save children.  Its not one size fits all but if you listen to fears you’d never do anything.  Sometimes in life you just have to jump but remember you choose to jump but NEVER blame your children for your decisions.

Go into being a parent with your eyes open.  Know the sacrifices and reasons why you want children. Spend time thinking, not being scared and if after all the deliberation you can see a world with children. Make do.  As children will enrich your life in so many ways.

So we’ve got to the end. The purpose of this blog was to present the other side of the coin. That there are so many reasons not to have children but let me leave you with a different perspective. Start at the one question that matters. Ask yourself do you want children? Ignore everything else, every reason why you can’t, every fear and worry.

One Simple Question : DO you want Children?

This answers drives the rest of your questions. If you want them find a way. Make things works. Sacrifice and make do if you need to. Then you will be a parent.

 

I hope this blog has been useful. As I say my intention isn’t to convince you, its to think of the other side and what life would be like having kids. How poor you could be in one sense but how rich your would be in another.  I hope this makes sense.

This blog was written by an adoptive parent in the UK who understands making sacrifices for children. Why after all that they have sacrificed they wouldn’t change it or their children for anything because there is such thing as a poor mans paradise and its so much better than the rich mans paradise.

If Your Thinking of Having Children But Are Unsure?

Try talking to parents and get their understanding, experience and knowledge.  CosyChats is a Parent Support Service that offers personalised support for parents.   While we expect most parents aren’t going to say they would change their lives they will be able to provide you with and honest and independent idea of what life with children is like.  The sacrifices and joy children bring.

We parents ourselves and when we were childless we thought we largely understood parenting and what its like to be a parent.  How wrong we were on so many levels.  We understand so much now and would gladly share our experience and knowledge.

You can find parents of new children here and parents of teenagers here

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues.

For parents of Teenagers click here.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame
👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small
👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding
🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be
🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience
💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control
Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.
👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

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A child sat down wondering if its Is it ever right or justified to use violence against children?

Is It Ever OK to Hit Children? The Debate

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Is it ever right to use violence and hit children? If this is a question you’ve asked yourself then keep reading.

On recent edition of a prominent US chat show the host advocated parents to “spank your kid’s a**” instead of being letting children go “crazy”. This was in relation to a news article on gentle parenting.

The question was in relation to a a video where a small child repeatedly smacked he mother in the face. The mother was practicing gentle parenting and was calmly asking her daughter ‘please don’t hit me’.

The assertion being that smacking would stop the child’s behaviour and the host referred more generally to unacceptable behaviour in shops etc, citing his own up upbringing where this type of behaviour would not have tolerated by his family.

So this raises the question. Is it ever OK to hit children and use violence to stop and correct(?) behaviour? Is there a time and place for a smack to stop or correct behavior? We use various phrases, smack, spank but its the same thing, to hit children, to use violence against children.

What is the UK law on people who hit children?

It is unlawful for a parent or carer to hit kids including their own children, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in Section 58 Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation.Whether a ‘spank’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circumstances of each case, taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the spank.

There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.

Smacking was banned in Scotland in 2020 and was followed in Wales in 2022, prompting renewed calls for the UK government to outlaw the practice in England and Northern Ireland.

This information is correct as at 31 7 2025 as provided by The law on smacking children – childlawadvice.org.uk

When you hit and use violence against children, what does it do to a Child’s Brain

As parents, we’d move mountains for our kids. We love them like crazy. And yet, somehow, they have a supernatural ability to push every single one of our buttons, driving us to a point where we might do something we regret… like spank them.

Do parents actually plan to hit kids and use violence or is it an emotional reaction to a situation?

The answer maybe in our upbringing, For previous generation the idea of being able to use violence, to   ‘spank my kid’ was more widespread and accepted.  Generally is was more acceptable to hit kids.  ‘A clip round the ear never did any harm’.  This leads us as parents to think “I turned out fine.” But what if that one smack does more than just sting for a minute? What if it actually sets off a chain reaction in a child’s brain, with effects that can ripple out for a lifetime? We’re going to look at what the science really says about using violence, using spanking and, more importantly, explore what we can do instead to raise kids who are both cooperative and incredibly resilient. If we hit kids their are consequences.

The Problem – A Giant’s Hand

From our grown-up point of view, a smack can seem like a minor, in-the-moment correction. But we have to try, just for a second, to see it through the child’s eyes. To a small child, a parent is everything. They’re your source of safety, your protector, your entire universe. And physically, let’s be honest, we’re giants. To hits kids conveys a message to that child.  I as a parent think its OK to communicate by force and use violence.

 

So when that giant—that source of all safety and love—intentionally causes pain, the child’s world gets flipped upside down. The message they get isn’t really about hitting their sibling.

 

The message is that the one person who is supposed to protect them is also,  sometimes, a threat.

So the simple notion its OK to spank my kid from an adult perspective, triggers far greater emotions and reactions in the child.

This isn’t about shaming parents. It’s about understanding this huge difference in perception. What we see as a quick course correction, a child’s brain registers as a danger signal. And as we’re about to see, that signal triggers a whole series of alarms in their developing mind, changing how they see the world and even how their brain physically gets wired. Decades of research have consistently shown that physical punishment violence is linked to harm to a child’s social, emotional, and cognitive development.

 

 The Science – A Brain on High Alert

So, what’s actually going on in their head when they get smacked? Thanks to neuroimaging, we don’t have to guess anymore. Groundbreaking research, a lot of it from scientists at Harvard, has given us a window right into the brain’s real-time response.

So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences really true? Is it ever ok to hits kids?

In one major study, researchers used MRI scans to watch kids’ brains. They showed the children pictures of faces with either neutral or fearful expressions. What they found was pretty shocking. When they saw the fearful faces, the kids who had been spanked showed way more brain activity in multiple areas of their prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that’s constantly scanning the environment for threats. Essentially, their brains were on high alert, working overtime to find danger.

 

And here’s the kicker: the brain activity of the spanked children looked exactly like the brain activity of children who had suffered what anyone would call severe abuse. Let that sink in for a moment. On a neurological level, the brain doesn’t seem to draw a big line between a smack and other forms of violence. It just recognizes a threat from a caregiver and starts rewiring itself to survive.

 

This constant “threat-detection” mode is a result of the brain’s stress response system getting triggered over and over. When a child is hit, their brain is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. This is the body’s natural alarm, and it’s great for escaping real danger, like a tiger. But when that alarm is constantly being pulled, it becomes toxic to the developing brain. It can even lead to less gray matter in the prefrontal cortex—the very part of the brain in charge of self-control, decision-making, and regulating emotions.

 

Other studies have found that physical punishment is linked to adolescents being extra sensitive to their own mistakes and less responsive to positive things in their life. This state of constant alert, this neurological vigilance, doesn’t just stay in the brain. It spills out into a child’s daily life, with some serious and lasting consequences.

So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences isn’t true. There are  consequences in following the belief that its OK to spank my kid but are there other consequences as well?

 

The changes in the brain that scientists are seeing aren’t just lab results; they show up in a child’s life in very real ways.

 

First, the risk for mental health challenges goes way up. Children who are physically punished are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and substance use disorders down the road. Their brains, basically trained to see threats everywhere, can create a constant, humming background of anxiety. A 2021 study found that kids smacked at age three were more likely to have poor mental health and more difficult behaviors all the way up to age 14.

 

Second, it can actually make kids more aggressive. It seems backward, right? Parents who spank are usually trying to stop aggression. But kids are always watching us. Social learning theory tells us they learn how to solve problems by seeing how we solve problems. When we use our size and power to get what we want, we’re modeling that aggression works. A massive review of studies involving over 160,000 kids confirmed it: physical punishment is linked with more aggression and antisocial behavior, not less. So when we hits kids it shows kids its ok to hit.

 

Third, it damages the single most important parenting tool we have: our relationship. Great parenting is built on a foundation of warmth and trust. Physical punishment chips away at that foundation and replaces it with fear. A child who’s afraid of being hit is not going to come to you for advice or to confess they messed up. That parent-child bond gets weaker, which just makes every other part of parenting harder.

 

And finally, it just doesn’t work to teach the right lesson. A smack might stop a behavior for a minute, but it doesn’t help a child understand why it was wrong. The child’s focus immediately shifts from “what I did” to “the pain I feel” and “my parent is scary.” It teaches them how to not get caught, not how to be a good person. Real discipline—which comes from a word that means “to teach”—is about guiding our kids to develop self-control. Physical punishment just isn’t built for that job.

There are still arguments to hit kids.

The “But I Turned Out Fine” Argument

 

Okay, so right about now, a lot of people are thinking, “But I was spanked, and I turned out fine.” This is probably the number one defense of spanking, and it’s a powerful one, so it’s worth talking about directly.

First off, people are incredibly resilient. We can and do overcome all sorts of difficult childhood experiences to become happy, successful adults. No one is saying that every single child who is spanked is doomed.

 

But let’s gently unpack the “I turned out fine” idea. For one thing, it’s totally subjective. We don’t have a control-version of ourselves to compare to. How do we know how we might have turned out if things were different? Is it possible we could have been even better than fine? Maybe a little less anxious, a little more confident, with a greater capacity for joy? We can’t ever know the road not taken.

More importantly, the mountain of research is clear: while you may have turned out fine, physical punishment dramatically increases the risk of negative outcomes. It’s like saying your grandpa smoked a pack a day and lived to be 90, so smoking isn’t dangerous. We all know that’s not true. We know smoking massively increases the risk of cancer and heart disease, even if not every smoker gets sick. In the exact same way, the evidence is overwhelming that smacking increases the risk of aggression, mental health problems, and struggles with learning.

 

Knowing these risks, the question isn’t, “Will spanking absolutely ruin my child?” The real question is, “Why would I take that risk at all, when there are better, more effective alternatives that build my child up and have no risks attached?”

An alternative way of looking at it is does the belief, its OK to spank my kid, mean you miss out on creating a better, happier and more content version of your child.  So how do you leave the idea its OK to spank my kid behind and progress?

The Solution – Building Brains, Not Fear

 

So, if the goal is to raise great kids without causing harm, what are we supposed to do when our child pushes us right to the edge? The answer is to shift our thinking from punishment to teaching. The goal isn’t to make a child pay for a mistake; it’s to give them the skills they need to not make that mistake again. This is often called positive discipline, and it’s all about connecting with our kids before we correct them.

 

Here are a few powerful alternatives that really work.

First, try a “Time-In” instead of a “Time-Out.” A traditional time-out sends a kid away to handle their overwhelming feelings all by themselves. A time-in means you go with them to a quiet space. You don’t even have to talk at first. You just sit there, being a calm anchor in their emotional storm. This teaches them that you’re their safe space during their hardest moments, not someone who will abandon them.

 

Second, use redirection. Little kids, especially, often “misbehave” out of curiosity or a simple lack of impulse control, not because they’re being malicious. If your toddler is banging a toy on the new coffee table, instead of yelling and smacking their hand, you can say, “Ooh, the car is for the floor! Let’s go find a great ramp for it!” You see their need to play and just steer that energy toward something that works.

 

Third, offer limited choices. A lot of challenging behavior is just a bid for a little bit of power in a world where kids have none. Offering simple choices gives them a sense of control. Instead of barking, “Put your coat on now!” you could try, “It’s time to leave. Do you want to wear the blue coat or the red one?” You’re still in charge—leaving isn’t up for debate—but they get a voice in how it happens.

 

Finally, lean into empathy and communication. After things have calmed down, get on their level. “I saw you were so mad that your sister took your toy. It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hit. Next time you feel that angry, you can stomp your feet or come tell me, and I’ll help you.” This shows them you understand, states the boundary clearly, and gives them a better plan for next time. It’s a masterclass in emotional intelligence.

Conclusion & CTA

The science couldn’t be clearer. That one smack—that split-second decision to use force—does so much more than just sting. It sends a threat signal straight to a child’s brain, changing its development and wiring it for fear. It increases the long-term risk of anxiety, depression, and aggression, and it doesn’t even succeed at teaching the lessons we want our kids to learn.

The idea its OK to spank my kid is outdated and discredited by clear evidence.

But the science also points us to a much better path. By shifting from punishment to connection, we can guide our kids effectively while making our relationship with them even stronger. We can be brain-builders, not fear-builders. It’s not always the easy way, but it’s the one that leads to raising resilient, emotionally healthy, and truly cooperative people.


So were at the end of, is it OK to spank my kid? We hope we have presented the information clearly. We hope you consider and think about your actions as every action has a consequence. We know you want to do the best for your child and even believing its OK to spank my kid, is believing you are doing the best for your child.  We hope this article at the very least makes you think and research the subject yourself.  We hope you keep in mind the alternative to its OK to spank my kid. Maybe replace the word spank with use violence.  Spank sounds soft and without consequences. To use violence sounds more serious and a bigger step. the reality is there both the same. They both use violence.  Smacking is violence.

We’d love to hear from you in the comments – what are some gentle strategies that have worked for your family? Your experience could be a huge help to another parent reading.



Do you still believe its ok to hit kids?

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This Blog was written by an adoptive parent of three children who understands children. How yes they can push your buttons but NO doesn’t believe or follow, its OK to spank or use violence on my kid. We do not hit our kids and never will.  They have been through trauma already and accepting its OK to hit kids and use violence just adds to your child’s trauma.

No detail or pictures can be shared to protect the adopted children’s privacy and right to a wonderful new life where physical abuse or violence is not part of their life anymore.