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How to Create a Strong Relationship With Your Children

Adoption, Blog, Kids, School, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Creating a Strong Relationship With your Child: 

Introduction:

Creating a strong relationship that will last for life with your kids. Every parent worries constantly about their children – usually before they are even born.

We worry about them being safe and how they will thrive in a changing and challenging world.

Every parent wants the absolute best for their children and for them to mature into resilient, independent adults.



At CosyChats.com we support personalised parental support and parent mentoring. CosyChats.com offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.

A powerful technique towards this is nurturing an open and sharing relationship with your child where they feel they can approach you to tell you anything – without feeling fear, guilt, or shame – only hearing your guidance.

As the milestones of my son growing up fast came and went by, I feel fortunate that he has come to me when he has needed help, advice or just to vent how he felt. I felt we had a strong relationship and that we could discuss most things openly. 

At first it would be just him telling me about his day at the end of school, but then it became about his friendships and what he wanted from his life.

When we moved house we talked about him being happier and preferring being somewhere rural and meeting new people.

And then, unfortunately there are the less happy things such as the peer pressure and judgement of the teenage years, the pitfalls of dating and when education pressures start to weigh heavy.



I feel very fortunate to have this safe space in my small family for him to share with us but I don’t think it was just by accident. 

My honest hope is that by using some  of the ideas and tools in this blog, anyone can build openness, trust and grow the confidence in their children to share their thoughts and feelings so important in future adulthood. Building a strong relationship was important for me, i wanted my son to trust me and be able to speak to me. 

 

Why being an Approachable and Open Parent helps build a Strong Relationship with  your Children 

If Work getting in the way of your family read our blog  What Happens When WORK Disrupts Time With Your Kids?

Do you remember times when you felt your feelings just didn’t matter?

That time at work in a meeting when your boss ignores your opinion completely?

The girlfriend that just tells you your opinion is wrong without even listening?.

Maybe as a child when you were upset and a parent just told you to not make such a fuss..

Now do you remember the times you felt that your feelings and opinion did matter?

When someone took the time not to just listen – but to understand your viewpoint.

How they tried to change things for you you felt something was unfair

When they didn’t just dismiss you and tell you to get on with it

If you remember the difference, you will understand why it’s important for a parent to have a an open sharing relationship with their child. 

If you have been treated like this you will have empathy for:

Feeling anger because your feelings didn’t matter.

Feeling shame for feeling this way to start with.

And insecurity because your feelings were rarely valued.

Knowing these things we should focus on the strong relationship we are building with our children.

It’s important to remember that in childhood we learn about the world, and how to process our emotions. The sort of relationships you form with other people.

When a child grows up without the security and comfort of having a safe space they can end up emotionally distant, insecure or  scared of commitment.

Without a sense of safety, risky behaviour is more likely, because they have never felt safe.

If they aren’t successful in approaching people and expressing themselves they can end up with lower confidence, making adult life harder – the opposite of what we really wanted for our children.

The Benefits of Being an Open Door Parent to build a Strong Relationship with your child 

A great way of imagining what an open parent child relationship looks like is an open door.

Your child should feel comfortable sharing anything with you but this requires trust, communication, and a supportive environment.

The door is a great analogy because it works on so many levels.

Being an open door means that you are mostly always available, but it also means that you don’t ever force or expect that conversation. You can show them that the door is open, but they have to choose if they want to share, and when. Celebrate their honesty, as the foundation to an open and trusting relationship.

It also means they are free to leave, they only have to say what they want to and can leave at will. There are ways, however of encouraging your child to share, and practical tips on how to have these conversations when they do

How to Build a Strong relationship with Your child.

How to really listen to your child – pitfalls parents fall into that create distrust 

When your child chooses to start this conversation, be fully present as much as possible.

There are times of course, like when life is hectic or possibly you are driving, when it’s harder to do this. You can always agree to finish talking about it later.

During your talk, put everything else aside, put the phone down and give it your full attention.

Make them know you are listening by reflecting (asking questions or making statements to how you are listening) what they say to you as this also makes them feel validated. Make them feel seen and understood. When they do talk, be transparent and honest in your dialogue – building credibility and growing trust. 

Asking open ended questions also stops the conversation shutting down.

Your child may also communicate better in different ways. A text or note might work better than face to face, talking during an activity might open things up.

If we try to take an interest in their world and what is important to them, they may also feel more comfortable in coming forward to you. 

Why Really Listening to Your Child is so important

Its really important your child feels heard and knows that you as their parent will listen.  Most parents will say they listen to their children but do we really listen?  I think the biggest culprit is ‘distracted listening’. Listening to your child but being engaged on something else, usually your phone. Give your children attention.  Make them feel their feelings matter and you care.  Most parents do care and want to hear their children but often parents give the impression of being distracted.

Give Support to your Child not Judgement

As a parent is try to show empathy wherever possible and ask open-ended questions. Children are more likely to talk if you listen without judgement or criticism. A technique for this is to say ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ statements, taking the focus off them. Also encourage them to talk by praising their honesty. Use words that support and show your love, not criticism or minimising the problem.

It’s also important to stay calm if the conversation gets tough or touches on taboo subjects – it’s important they feel safe coming to you in the future.

You can  show your support by brainstorming and working on problem solving solutions together – as a team.

Be mindful that building a strong relationship with your child takes time and the relationship will be tested.  Being a parent means considering the long term relationship and not reacting or worse over reacting to the extent your child child not fears being able to tell you things.

How to spend quality time with your child and still be a parent. 

Quality time with your child is a given for a great relationship with your child.

It’s also a great way to encourage them to be open with you. By choosing activities they enjoy, they will be relaxed and more inclined to talk.

Find rituals that stick, a chat at bedtime or the school run and family dinners eaten together.

Personally I would take my son on a bike ride, or a hot chocolate as a treat on Fridays.

Experiment what works for you and your child don’t force it just find something you can enjoy with a treat ideally.  The hot chocolate is our father son thing, something we enjoy together and strengthens the bond between us.

If you do this regularly enough you can also check in, asking them how they are doing.

Start this good parenting habit early so it becomes their normal. Try to keep your promises to be there – but don’t expect that they will automatically open up to you. Be patient especially with teens. You build a strong parent child relationship but it will change and you will have to adapt your parenting style. Things change for teenagers and what was cool pre-teens may not be anymore, including you.  

Balance a child’s right to privacy with parental responsibility.

Another facet of keeping your parent child bond connected is to respect your child’s privacy. If they feel you are intruding they are less likely to be open with you or share problems in the future.

Balancing your child’s right to privacy and your role as a parent can be difficult at times.  If your child is at risk then you may reasonably decide their privacy is a secondary concern.

My advice would be if you can look into their life without them knowing then consider it.  Checking phones is a big one.  If you can check it without them knowing then this maybe a good solution.  You need to be prepared to defend and explain your right as a parent to delve into your child’s personal life though.

It maybe better to be up front and ask your child more personal questions but this may just shut them down and highlight your interest.  Its not ideal but sometimes being a parent involves being sneaky.

Ultimately your parental responsibility is to keep your children safe and free from harm.  The wishes of your child are out weighted by the right of you as a parent to them i think.  If you explain why you breached their privacy your child may not like it but hopefully they’ll understand why you did it as their parent, because you love and care for them.  Sometimes listening takes a back seat as a parent and you need more direct action to help and support your children.

Modelling good parent behaviour and sharing vulnerability 

Maybe in the past you have heard other parents say,”Do as I say, not as I do”. 

Hopefully this is just a way of saying that as parents we know we are not perfect.

This aside though, a very powerful way of encouraging your child to be open and share with you- is to do this yourself. Don’t be afraid to open up your life before you were a parent to your child. 

Whether during a period when they are beginning to open up to you, or just in general. They can only feel more comfortable to talk when you nurture an environment of openness and  trust. Sharing the times you went through similar problems, and how you personally overcome them. Builds trust and will bring you together.


For me personally – not hiding my own problems from my son- mental or physical brought another affect that I did not even expect. 

Being open, being honest, takes away the pressure of hiding it from your child. From pretending that everything is fine. This is a weight off your shoulders that nobody including parents needs to carry.

Sometimes what your child might say could even surprise you in how useful it is to your problem. Our children should not be our therapists, but they see the world in a much more open and simple way.

You may be surprised how helpful and understanding your children can be to your needs and see you as more than a parent who tells them what to do and a human who has their own frailties.

 

How guidance and not punishment can help you form a better relationship with your child



Focus on what you as a parent wanted to achieve with your child.

Creating a parent child safe space will bring benefits to both of you, and strengthen your relationship for a lifetime.

Although there are times when there will need to be punishment for your child, the occasions where they have shared something difficult might not be one of these times.

This doesn’t mean there can’t be consequences for your child, but by focusing on the guidance, and explaining how it’s different from punishment – the outcomes will hopefully be more positive and your child will still want to share with you in the future.

By removing fear and retribution, and by using problem solving and discussion then you can have healthier consequences and not just punishments without any subsequent change.

Being a parent means you have to think of the war and not just the battles but also battles aren’t really battles, they are opportunities to provide guidance to your child.

 

Conclusion



Building an open, sharing relationship with your child doesn’t happen overnight.

It needs a lot of patience and experimenting to find out what works.

But it is worthwhile. The bond of trust and dependability will build resilience, trust and a relationship that will last a lifetime. 

Even if you feel you don’t have this quite yet, it’s never too late to start.

Start small by introducing ritual quality time with your child with regular check-ins. Tell them you are always available for them, be patient and practice active listening.

Be open to sharing feelings and thoughts in both directions with your child to grow their  trust.

If you wish to discuss this further or get help with any other parenting issues. Feel free to contact me on CosyChats.

CosyChats.com hosts experienced parent who can provide Personalised Parent Support including interacting and communicating with schools.

CosyChats supports personalised parent support. CosyChats offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.
Why Parents Should use the CosyChats parent support service.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions

🧷Safe Parent Support Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Parenting Problem Is Too Big and No Parenting Question Too Small

👩‍👦Parents Supporting Parents Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘Practical Parenting Support Created by UK Parents

🧑🏼‍🦱Parent Mentoring from Parents with Real Lived Parenting Knowledge & Experience

💻Online Parenting Support from the comfort of your own home.

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats parent support service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼A Personal Parenting Mentor for you

👍🏼Parent support via phone, Text or On-Line.

👍🏼Parent Support Groups for key development stages

👍🏼Flexible parenting support sessions.

👍🏼Online parenting support at a reasonable cost.

👍🏼Parent support sessions can be gifted to a parent who needs parental support.

👍🏼Parent to parent support group harness wide parenting experience.

👍🏼Parenting support services are booked in 10 minute slots.

👍🏼Parenting support from real parents who want to help.

Thank you for reading the blog  (how-to-create-a-strong-relationship-with-your-children). Understanding how creating a strong bond with your child is beneficial. Can change the way you think about parenting your child.

Parental Support For Fearful Children

How to provide parental support to fearful children?

A new survey of the perception of safe spaces for women casts a worrying fear among young women as to their safety.

The survey of women found, 31% of women avoiding taking public transport alone and 56% of women feel unsafe travelling alone, a third of women avoiding public transport.

The survey also found, 86% of women avoided going out after dark, rising in girls of colour. Fears around women’s safety being paramount in the responses.

Fears around solo travel and personal safety for women have led to behaviour changes with girls changing what they wear, where they socialise and exercise to avoid harassment.

The survey also worryingly identified young women respondents  do not feel schools are safe places, 58% of school children saying they had heard toxic comments including 32% of young women  seeing a member of staff subjected to sexist or misogynistic abuse.

With 1 in  10 school girls saying they did not feel safe at school.  The figures rise across the board for LGBTQ+ or  disabled girls with  pupils intentionally missing school to avoid harassment.

These are worrying statistics that represent the fear that exists in so many young women. For parents this fear presents a parenting challenge. How to keep your children safe and give them the confidence to live their life.

How do Parents Support Fearful Children?

Parent Support Action No1- Identify the fear in your child.

My son is terrified of tsunamis. We has a real fear of tsunamis, so much so he doesn’t really like going to the sea side. We know this because when we go to the seaside he gets nervous. His fear is clearly displayed but when your child’s behaviour isn’t.

As the survey results above show children avoid their fears by avoiding the situation. The behaviour may mask the fear. As parents children not wanting to go to school is common but understanding the reasons why helps understand the fear. 1 in 10 children saying they did not feel safe at school.

Parent Support Action No2. – Having an open, shame and blame free dialogue with your child.

Parent support is often giving your children space and security to communicate without fear of embarrassment or shame.  In the same way Cosychats offers, Parent support free from judgement and shame, parents need to offer their children the same safe space.  Where children can communicate their feeling’s and fears openly.

Don’t dismiss your child’s fears as trivial or unrealistic.

Your child’s fears are fears for them. They may out grow them but at his moment they are real and impact full  to your child.

When providing parent support one of the CosyChats motto’s is ‘No problem is too big, No question too small or trivial’.  We offer that support to parents.  Parents need to offer the same support and free safe space to their children.  This will allow them to understand their children and understand their fears.

Parent Support Action No3. – Understanding your child’s fears allows you to understand their actions.

Your child is afraid of being bullied at school for being different. To avoid the bullying they avoid school.

Without this understanding you just see a child refusing to go to school.  With the understanding you know why they don’t want to go to school and can help.

Parent Support Action No4 – Deciding how best to help a fearful child.

We helped our son by understanding his fear more.  He fears tsunamis but also fears a natural disaster ending his family life.  He fears being left alone and losing his family. This really helped us understand him and allowed us to help him.

Your child’s fear may justified or not. It doesn’t really matter I think. Its their fear. Its how they deal with it that matters. How you as a parent support them in dealing with their fears.

Whether that is avoiding the fear or accepting the fear and continuing.

The older I’ve got the more afraid i am of roller coasters and fairground rides.  I don’t go on rides.  I’m fearful and i’m OK with that.  It works for me but fear can prevent you living your life.

Parenting Support – How to Support a Fearful Child

Conclusions for Parent Support.
  1. Create a safe space to communicate with your child
  2. Identify and understand your child’s fears and behaviours
  3. Accept not dismiss fears.
  4. Decide how best to help your child.

CosyChats is a Parent Support Service for Parents.

CosyChats supports personalised parent support. CosyChats offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.
Why Parents Should use the CosyChats parent support service.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions

🧷Safe Parent Support Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Parenting Problem Is Too Big and No Parenting Question Too Small

👩‍👦Parents Supporting Parents Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘Practical Parenting Support Created by UK Parents

🧑🏼‍🦱Parent Mentoring from Parents with Real Lived Parenting Knowledge & Experience

💻Online Parenting Support from the comfort of your own home.

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats parent support service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼A Personal Parenting Mentor for you

👍🏼Parent support via phone, Text or On-Line.

👍🏼Parent Support Groups for key development stages

👍🏼Flexible parenting support sessions.

👍🏼Online parenting support at a reasonable cost.

👍🏼Parent support sessions can be gifted to a parent who needs parental support.

👍🏼Parent to parent support group harness wide parenting experience.

👍🏼Parenting support services are booked in 10 minute slots.

👍🏼Parenting support from real parents who want to help.

 

Call to action. – Parents need to educate their sons.

Educating your children to improve women’s safety.

If the survey results disappointed, saddened and scared you, as they did me then do something about it. Parents lets be more proactive around women’s safety. Be proactive in discussions with your children. Be mindful of influences on your children.  Counter the toxic male stereotypes and behaviours that are promoted against women.  Teach our children to be respectful and value women’s safety. To understand actions and words can have a serious impact on another persons fears and self worth.

As a parent of boys and girls this is so important as we have seen the toxic impact on all our children.

Being parents isn’t easy and there are more and more traps and pitfalls to fall into.  That’s why we set up CosyChats com to help support and guide parents.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to educate your children and give them the best and most effective life skills.

If you need help being a parent.  Raising happy and well rounded children. We’re here for you offering practical and emotional support.  Parenting knowledge and experience, all in a judgment free space.

More Parent Support From CosyChats

Does your child spend their life on-line?

Women’s safety fears can lead children and teenagers to spend more time on-line. A teenagers life can increasing be on-line and not real world. Should we as parents be worried about this? Read our latest blog ‘When On-line Becomes Your Teenagers Life‘



Are you fearful of your daughter going out but also staying in too much. Modern parenting can be confusing and contradictory. We’re parents to and were here to provide Parenting help and Support.

Parents do you struggle to balance work and life?

You need to Read This blog ‘How to Balance Work and Life’ and still have time for your family.

“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”

– Dolly Parton, Country Singer

Parents Of Teenagers on Cosychats.

 

Thank you for reading this blog (Parental Support For Fearful Children).

Survey resource

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together.  How to leave your parenting guilt at the door and build a solid and happy relationship with your children.

 

What Happens When WORK Disrupts Time With Your Kids?

Adoption, Kids, Teenagers, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
How to balance work and life?

Are you getting the work life balance right? We can Help. You know that feeling? You finally settle in for family dinner, the day’s grind mostly behind you. You lean in, ready to hear all about your child’s adventures, and just as they’re about to spill the beans on a truly epic story, your phone decides to make its presence known. Bzzzt! It’s an “urgent” work email, sitting there, glowing on the table. You glance at it – maybe you don’t even reply – but the moment? Poof. Gone. Your mind, just a second ago tuned into dinosaurs or playground drama, is suddenly back at the office, churning through deadlines and to-do lists. And here’s the kicker: your child can tell. They always can. If that scenario hits a little too close to home, please know this: you are absolutely, unequivocally not alone. That relentless, insistent pull of work isn’t just a nuisance; it’s one of the biggest, most insidious thieves of genuine family connection we face today. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to let it steal another precious moment. You can stop it.

 

The Real Cost of Lost Work Life Balance

It’s easy to dismiss these interruptions as just “one lost moment,” a minor blip. But let’s be real, it’s rarely just one. It’s the creeping, unsettling feeling that your family is consistently getting the leftovers of your attention, the scraps of your mental energy. Our kids are incredibly perceptive, aren’t they? They notice when your eyes dart towards that screen mid-sentence, even if it’s just a quick flick. They pick up on it when you offer a vague “uh-huh” but then can’t repeat a single word of the elaborate tale they just shared. These aren’t isolated incidents; they’re tiny, accumulating deposits into a memory bank. And the balance? It starts to look like “Mum was physically here, but her thoughts were a million miles away,” or “Dad’s body was at the table, but his brain was still stuck in that meeting.” Your work life balance is not balanced

 

That gnawing guilt you feel? That knot in your stomach when you realize you’ve missed something important because your mind was elsewhere? That’s not a sign that you’re a bad parent. Far from it. That guilt is actually your internal alarm system, your cue to change the system, not to beat yourself up. It’s telling you that something needs to shift. Because when our attention is constantly divided, it’s not just about missing a story; it’s about the subtle, yet profound, message we send about what truly holds our value. Over time, this can erode the very foundation of connection, leaving both parents and children feeling stressed and undervalued. The good news is, you don’t need to quit your job or move to a cabin in the woods to fix this. In the next few minutes, I’m going to share three dead-simple, actionable steps I use with hundreds of coaching clients to effectively shut down that “work-brain” and reclaim truly present family time.

 

The Shutdown Ritual

First up, let’s talk about creating a shutdown ritual. This isn’t some crazy concept; it’s rooted in solid neuroscience. Our brains, brilliant as they are, absolutely love cues and routines. Think about it: the same song before a workout, the same phrase before a big presentation – these signals tell your brain, “Okay, time to shift gears.” We need to harness that power to tell our prefrontal cortex, “Work day complete. Mission accomplished. Now, on to family mode.”

 

My own ritual is ridiculously simple, and it takes about ninety seconds. I close my laptop with a definitive thump. Then, I say out loud, “Office closed!” It sounds a bit silly, I know, but trust me, it works. Finally, I roll my shoulders back twice, taking a deep exhale through my mouth. When I do this, my seven-year-old knows – truly knows – that Dad is officially back on planet family. He’s home, present, and ready to engage. Your work life balance has begun

 

The beauty of a shutdown ritual is that it can be anything you want it to be. The key is consistency. Pick one specific action, one clear phrase, and one intentional breath. Then, commit to doing it every single day, without fail, even on weekends if you’re doing any work. Why? Because you’re paving a neural highway in your brain. The more consistently you use that cue, the stronger the connection becomes between that action and the mental shift to “off-duty” mode.

 

If you work from home, adding a physical boundary can be incredibly powerful. It’s not just about a mental shift; it’s about a literal transition. Maybe you take a quick walk to the postbox and back, or change out of your “work clothes” into something more casual. Some parents even put on a specific playlist, or just step outside for five minutes of fresh air. The goal here is to give your nervous system the same crystal-clear clarity that your calendar has when that last meeting ends at five o’clock. No ritual, no boundary; no boundary, no true presence. It really is that straightforward. This isn’t about being perfect; it’s about creating a consistent, undeniable signal for your brain and your family that work is done, and you are here.

 

The Tech-Free Zone

Research from the University of Michigan found that even the mere presence of a powered-off smartphone on the table can degrade the quality of a conversation. Think about that for a second. Not buzzing, not ringing, not even turned on – just being there is enough to make us less present, less engaged. Imagine the havoc an active buzz or a constant stream of notifications wreaks on genuine connection. It’s like having a third, very distracting, guest at your table.

 

Now, I know what you might be thinking: Technology free is hard and yes it is but its so worth it.  To have a real conversation, not a look at this video. To have a real work life balance you have to make sacrifices.

 

Tools like autoresponder apps or “Inbox Pause” can buy you grace, allowing you to temporarily halt incoming emails without appearing unresponsive. Your boss, frankly, wants solutions and results, not necessarily immediate availability at 6:17 p.m.

Many companies are catching on and setting work comms bans to encourage a better work life balance.  Whether this is lip service or a real commitment from the company is downto be discovered but if your company offers adhere to it.

The Presence Anchor

Third, and this one is a game-changer for those moments when your mind inevitably starts to drift back to spreadsheets, presentations, or that email you forgot to send: use a presence anchor. Let’s be honest, even with the best intentions, our brains are wired to problem-solve, to replay, to plan. So, the thought of work will sneak back in. The trick isn’t to prevent it entirely – that’s like trying to stop the tide – but to return quickly and smoothly.

 

My personal anchor is a small, blue Lego brick that lives in my pocket. Whenever I catch myself nodding absently while my daughter is talking, or staring blankly at my plate, I subtly squeeze that Lego brick. Then, I silently name five things I can see in the room. “Blue couch, dinosaur sticker on the wall, steam rising from the soup, freckles on my daughter’s nose, the flicker of the candle.” Five seconds, five senses, and boom – my brain is rebooted, pulled firmly back into the present moment.

 

You don’t need a Lego brick, of course. Anything tactile or sensory will do. Maybe it’s the rough seam on your jeans, the comforting warmth of your coffee mug, or the distinct smell of garlic bread baking in the oven. Psychologists call this “grounding,” a technique to bring you back to the here and now by engaging your senses. Kids, being the masters of play, often call it “the pause game,” and they’ll happily play along if you explain it. You can even make it a shared activity: “Okay, everyone, let’s play the five-senses game!”

 

The miracle here isn’t that you’ll never drift. We’re human, and our minds wander. The true miracle is that you’ll learn to return fast enough, so swiftly that your child doesn’t even register that you left. They won’t feel abandoned mid-story, or like their words are landing on deaf ears. Every time you drop an anchor, every time you consciously pull yourself back, you’re strengthening the muscle of presence. And let me tell you, presence? That’s the currency your kids value more than any amount of time. It’s the feeling of being truly seen, truly heard, and truly loved.

 

 Quick Troubleshooting

Alright, let’s tackle a couple of common objections that often pop up when we talk about setting these kinds of boundaries.

 

Objection one: “My job is 24/7; I literally can’t ignore calls.” I hear you. Some roles demand a level of responsiveness that feels impossible to escape. But even in those scenarios, there are strategies. First, utilize the VIP list feature on your phone. Most smartphones allow you to designate certain contacts whose calls or messages can break through “do not disturb” mode. So, only your manager’s number, or perhaps a critical client, gets through. Everything else? It waits. You can even tell your child, “Look, if this specific ringtone happens, it means it’s a real emergency, and I need thirty seconds to say, ‘I’ll call you back at eight.'” They learn that emergencies exist, yes, but they also learn that they are rare, and your default is them. This also aligns with delegating and sharing responsibilities. Can a colleague cover for a specific window? Have you explored any employer-provided flexible work arrangements that might allow you to adjust your schedule slightly?

Advocating for these small changes can make a huge difference. work life balance isn’t about shutting work off completely its about getting the balance right that works for both sides.

Objection two: “I feel incredibly guilty setting these boundaries. It feels selfish.” This is a big one, and it’s a mindset shift we absolutely need to make. Let’s flip the script entirely. Your kids are always watching you, always learning. They model what they see. When they observe you consistently protecting your family time, what message are you sending them? You’re teaching them invaluable lessons about self-respect, about prioritizing relationships, about managing their own stress, and about the importance of balance. You’re showing them how to set healthy boundaries for their future partners and their future kids. Boundaries aren’t selfish; they are, in fact, one of the first, most powerful lessons in self-respect and healthy relationships your child will ever get from you, live and in vibrant color. You’re not depriving them; you’re equipping them. You’re not being selfish; you’re being a powerful role model.

 

Small steps to better work life balance

This probably feels like a lot so just try it one and if it works commit to trying that one thing for three days straight. When you succeed for three days, you’ve built a little bit of momentum. That’s your cue to add the next step. Remember, momentum beats perfection every single time. This isn’t about being flawless from day one; it’s about consistent, incremental progress.

 

And if you blow it tomorrow? If the phone buzzes and you instinctively grab it, or you forget your ritual? That’s okay. Seriously, it’s part of the process. Don’t let that one misstep derail your entire effort. Just reboot at breakfast the next morning. Kids are incredibly forgiving, and they forget fast, especially when they can feel you genuinely trying. They don’t need you to be perfect; they just need you to be present, and to keep showing up and making the effort.

 

The ultimate goal here isn’t a Pinterest-perfect dinner with angelic children and gourmet food (like that’s ever going to happen anyway) . It’s far more profound than that. The goal is a child who, when asked about their parents, can say with absolute certainty and a warm smile, “When Mum’s here, she’s really here,” or “When Dad’s with me, he’s all there.” And they’ll mean every single word of it. That feeling, that connection, is worth every bit of effort.

 

Conclusion – CTA

Imagine this with me, two weeks from now. The phone buzzes on the counter, but it’s a distant sound, almost irrelevant. You’ve already done your shutdown ritual, signaling to your brain that work is officially off-duty. That device? It’s safely parked in its designated charging tray, out of sight and out of mind. Your eyes, your full attention, stay locked on your kid as they show you their art work, or recount the most important detail of their day. That genuine smile that spreads across your face? You can’t fake that kind of joy, and more importantly, they can’t un-feel that kind of pure, undivided connection. That’s the magic we’re aiming for.

 

I hope you achieve your work life balance. Yes Work pays the bills and put a roof over your head but its not your life.  Your family is the greatest and most important thing in your life.

Don’t be that parent who has an amazing career but hasn’t seen their children grow up.

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together.  How to balance work and family life to ensure both are focused and not neglected. How to leave your parenting guilt at the door and build a solid and happy relationship with your children.

Parents on Cosychats .



🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions



🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

 

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

 

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

 

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

 

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

 

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

 

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together.  How to leave your parenting guilt at the door and build a solid and happy relationship with your children.

A mother wondering why parenting feels lonely

The Loneliness of Being a Parent That Nobody Tells You About

Adoption, Blog, Kids, New Parents, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Parenting Isolation Is Real

Even When You’re Never Alone

Why does parenting feel lonely and isolating?  “Parenting can be the loneliest job in the world—surrounded by little voices all day, yet craving to be truly seen, heard, and understood.”

 

Isolation happens and everybody feels lonely at times but usually, we know how to fix it.

If somebody tells us they feel alone, the advice is often quite easy to give.

Spend some more time with your friends, family, or even work colleagues.

 

And, even if this is impractical, there are still ways you can feel less alone, like Social Media? or other online spaces.

 

Parenting is full of surprises and misconceptions that catch even the most prepared off guard.  Maybe you expected to enjoy every moment of the parenting experience, or that your kids will always react in the ways you expect.

For me the biggest surprise of parenting was the loneliness and isolation that accompanied it being a parent.

 

“It was during the long bus journeys on school runs, especially on the way back home or returning to fetch him at the end of each day”.

 

“It was in the hours I spent alone while he was at school. Too short a duration to do much but long enough to feel isolation”.

 

“It was in all the moments when I was with my wife but understandably my son needed most of her attention”.

 

“It was every time people asked how my son was but nobody ever asked how my wife or I were feeling”.

 

“And in the earliest parts of raising him, it was the small hours of the morning spent alone feeding and soothing him”.

 

Parenting is a paradox of noise and silence, love and isolation.

Or course, it’s hard to discuss these feelings without feeling guilty. How can you have this loneliness paradox when you love them so much and are blessed to have children and family?

 

But maybe this is also part of the reason why you do feel this way. 

So how did we end up here, and is there anything you can do?

 

Why Parenting Can Feel Lonely

 

The key to understanding why you feel this way is to know that loneliness is way more complicated than just being alone.

 

In reality, it’s a lot more complicated than this and touches on feelings of being seen, fostering strong connections with like-minded people while having the time and energy to spend enough quality time with people. Children can’t really validate or empathize the way adults can.

 

Long days spent caring for chatty children can feel like too much company. But is it the same as the connection of a date night, a few hours in the pub, your hobbies, or chatting to your good friend at work? You may be talking to your children, are they meeting your individual social needs that came with your personality?

 

There’s then the danger you end up only having conversations about the kids, logistics, routines, and the things that require doing. You never talk about anything deeper.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your family, or that you don’t enjoy spending time with them, but as adults we will have many and varied needs.

 

If parenting falls mostly on one parent – because of work, the way roles are traditionally split, or you are a single parent raising a child then the sense of isolation may be much worse. The loss of identity may be deeper, especially if the workload feels unfair.

 

As parents, we will try to seek a balance and still see our adult friends and acquaintances.

I did so myself, but the younger your offspring, and the more of your friends that start their own families, the more it feels like snatched moments and stolen freedoms.

 

That is, if with your friend’s commitments you have the same free-time and the money or energy to use it. Often you will feel guilty leaving your children, or your partner, to babysit alone.

 

Modern lifestyles frequently lead to families and friends living greater distances apart, making time spent together as adults, or the warm support of family, is inevitably rarer.

Speaking from my own experiences, as my time as a parent progressed, my identity changed.

 

In fact, as soon as I held my son for the first time, a switch flipped in my head,

and I knew things would never be the same again.

 

The old me, that loved a rock band, a long bike ride or a few beers in the pub, faded into the background.

 

It wasn’t just that I was distracted, worrying my son was OK at home. It just didn’t feel the same any more. It was fun for an hour or so, but soon I wanted to get back to my young family.


 

Eventually, though, you are actually neglecting your individuality, and in the worst cases you are hiding your loneliness by deliberately keeping busy with family.

 

Nobody asks parents how they are, only about the children. This only deepens the sense of isolation.

 

Now my son is older and more independent, I find that I have time to look again at my own needs and work out what to do with any new-found free time.

It’s a chance to reconnect with my own peer group, and re-find my own identity in a way you can’t achieve with a young child.

 

Finally, when parents contrast themselves with other parents both online and off, admitting you are lonely is to admit that you are struggling. You had expectations of how it would feel as a parent, how can you admit you are falling short of this?

 

Society tells parents to be always grateful and never put their hands up to say they are not doing as well as you might think.

 

In the perfectly presented social media world, you feel you should compete with the other parents that make it look just so effortless. How could you possibly admit you are lonely now?

Especially when inevitably you feel guilty about feeling this way.

 

From feeling isolation to a sense of community 

 

Realising that you might be lonely because you are a parent is one thing, improving this is another thing entirely. This is especially true when you need to also work around the limitations that come along with parenting.

 

This meant for me, that after four hours a day on buses taking my son to and from school, caring for him and getting him to sleep, I had limited opportunities to try and prevent feeling lonely,

 

With a bit of creative thinking, teamwork, flexibility and some help from technology it’s possible to lessen the sting of feeling lonely. 

 

It’s often said that it takes a village to raise a child. I heard this advice more than once when I became a dad!

 

 

Strength in Family 

 

Having a team behind you can benefit more than just your children.

With willing friends and family behind, maybe there’s now an option for a date night, or for one parent to have some ‘me time’.

 

This can be win-win more than most parents realise as it gives relatives treasured time with their young relative, and gives you the chance to refresh and reset and to come back as a better parent. 

 

Having some time to yourself is definitely not something to feel guilty or ashamed about as its an important chance to rest and recover,

 

Reconnecting with yourself physically and emotionally is a great way to be the best parent you can be. 

 

Even if you can’t meet up with friends as much because of the challenges of working and parenting, often there is a chance at the end of the day to spend some time with that special someone.

 

If you share your life with a significant other, put some time aside to  reconnect, discuss how your day went and plan to talk about something other than parenthood, however briefly this might be.

 

It’s understandably easy to get into a routine and forget to do this, but it can be a powerful way to not feel quite as lonely.

 

This probably sounds somewhere between ironic and sarcastic considering the topic of this blog, but your own child can be a great remedy too!

 

It becomes more true as they grow older, but if you try to forget for a brief moment that they feel like a weighty responsibility; and that they are an individual thinking and feeling person (just a smaller one) then you have a source of constant conversations.

 

Young children can be good company as they are often very funny and have refreshingly honest viewpoints.

 

Often, on school runs or after scouts night I took my son to the coffee shop and just chatted with him about shared interests – as a young person, not just as my child.  

 

Micro connections

 

If, as parents, we are short of time, money and energy to combat loneliness then we can choose to  accept this and embrace the opportunities that we do have.

 

Although technology is blamed for a lot of modern harms, especially for children; it can be very useful socially.

 

Even if it’s late at night, or you are rushing during a school run, a mobile phone means you can still text friends and acquaintances. Most people always have their phone with them.

Aside from this you could interact on social media, have a quick gaming session with a friend or listen to podcasts that reconnect you to the wider world.

 

Briefly socialising doesn’t have to be just digital or virtual as we can also hopefully grab moments in different ways. They might just have to be adapted to your new  lifestyle as a parent.

 

This can mean socialising locally to where you live much more often and hanging out with people that are also in that same parenting boat.

 

I personally found myself spending more time with friends living locally to me, or having a coffee with groups of parents during the  school run.

 

Solutions not shame 

 

Whatever works for you, especially while you are working on parental loneliness, it is vital to not feel ashamed.

Feeling embarrassed or isolated can only hinder you from connecting with the wider adult world and realising just how many parents feel this way. When I ignored any stigma and spoke to other parents about how I felt, it felt like a weight lifted and we were able to find solutions together. Being open about isolation and feeling that no one understands your situation is more common than I thought

 

Feeling lonely does not mean that you do not love your children, it just means you have other needs as a parent.

 

Embracing these feelings also stops resentment from building, which is toxic for you and your whole family.

 

Hobbies

 

Remembering who you are, even for a few snatched moments, is a great way to tackle loneliness. Oddly even doing something alone can have a  positive effect on loneliness because it can also be about reclaiming your identity and having space to feel like you.

Furthermore, hobbies have the potential to grow friendship circles based on mutual interests.

 


Summing up

 

The reason I think I found some aspects of parenting to be challenging and why many parents have harder periods is because it is all such a big surprise.

Perhaps the most repeated parental cliche is that there is no manual for being a parent and while this is true is doesn’t mean you can’t seek the expereince and knowledge of other parents who have walked in your shoes. This was the very reason we set up CosyChats to be a resource for people to share a feeling or emotion with someone who understands and says i know what its like when no one in your family understands or is really listening. To find support that does understand your situation and what you and your family need.


Feeling’s of loneliness and isolation were a huge surprise because we did not expect it. 

 

Like me, you probably saw families as the way people nurture the strongest sense of belonging.

 

A belonging that can last a lifetime.


But we did not realise that a family is different to the company you get from relationships like friendships with peers.

 

Parenthood is a responsibility and, mostly, young children can’t give the same feelings or empathy, and nor should they. 

 

The stress and upheaval of parenthood can take away your identity and make you start to chase being busy to not feel lonely – and end up trapped in a rut.

 

My parental loneliness came mostly in my son’s intense early years, and this is when it can be hardest to deal with.

 

Fortunately I had family to help give my wife and I small breaks, and  I found local friends. Because I have always loved technology I learned to find ways to communicate with people in other ways, and to enjoy my hobbies in smaller doses. Finding like minded people helped my feelings of isolation.



 

The key is to realise that, like many things in parenting, challenges come in different quickly passing chapters, and that you are not alone in sometimes feeling alone. There are like minded and supportive people and parents out there. Isolation is a common feeling among st parents.

 

If you want to talk about this or any other parenting issues, please feel free to contact me on CosyChats. My name is Andrew and I’m a father from Leicester-shire in the UK.  

What is CosyChats?

👍🏼🚨CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children.

As parents we understand how lonely and isolating being a parent can be even when your surrounded by friends and family, as they don’t understand or appreciate your situation. Many adopters for instance find this where there isn’t a history of adoption in family or friends or where people close to you don’t understand or appreciate ADHD for example. Isolation can happen when your surrounded by people just as much as when your not.

Whatever you feel we’re here to listen and if you want, share our experience and knowledge.

👍🏼Cosychats – Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small
Cosy Chats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.

Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience



💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding


Please browse our parents to find a parent that is right for you. Book a support session and share the experience and knowledge or another parent. Thank you for reading our blog on isolation and loneliness in parenting.


 

A picky eater refusing to eat food

Reducing Mealtime Stress for My 4-Year-Old and ME!

Blog, Healthy, Kids, New Parents, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Your child a picky eater? Mine was and still is but read what took away the stress and guilt for us as parents and helped my daughter eat more.

How I Turned Mealtimes from Stressful to Blissful

As I scraped yet another full dinner into the bin I felt a familiar wave of despair. I had spent an hour with my four year old trying to get her to eat. I know she likes spaghetti bolognese so she should have eaten it today. Why won’t she just eat?

Doing All I Can With a Picky Eater

I spent so much time and effort that night. I tried everything I could think of to just get my little girl to eat. I talked to her about keeping our bodies healthy by eating our dinner. I told her good food helps us to grow up big and strong. I even said she could have a cupcake if she ate it all up! Nothing. I ended up letting her have the cupcake anyway just so she had something in her tummy and decided the next night I’d make her nuggets and chips again.

Was I Doing the Right Thing?

A week later I had coffee with a friend, Sophie. We hadn’t seen each other in ages so had lots to catch up on. Eventually we got chatting about our kids. Of course, the topic of eating issues came up and I told her how bad my daughter’s eating had become. What she said next changed. Our. Lives.

Sophie said she had spoken with her health visitor when her son was younger and had similar fussy eating problems. The first question the health visitor had asked was “What does he eat throughout the day? Sophie had found it so powerful it was the first thing she thought of when talking with me.

Next, she told me the rest of the health visitor’s advice. She had said that now Sophie was reassured that her son was getting enough food during the day, it was time to take all emotion out of mealtimes.

How much of a problem is being a fussy eater really?

I thought about what my daughter eats throughout the day. She tends to snack a lot so I said she eats lots of toast, yoghurts, fruit, the occasional biscuit, cheese, breadsticks, carrots and cucumber with hummus – things like that.

Then, the penny dropped. All of a sudden it dawned on me that although she had a limited variety she eats a few things from each food group, and actually when you add it all up it’s enough that she won’t starve.

How to Change mealtimes to reduce the pressure of eating for your children

That was when I decided to take action.

No talking about food, no cajoling or pressuring my child to eat, no bribing with dessert. Just all the family sitting at the table together, chatting and making sure the atmosphere was light. I felt confident that our struggles were over.

Until dinner time. My little girl sat down and looked at her dinner with disgust. “I’m not eating THAT.” she said defiantly. I started to engage with her and tell her it’s one of her favourites and asked her to just try one bite. Then, cringing, I remembered what Sophie had said to me that morning.

So I looked at my daughter and said “Okay. If you’re not hungry you don’t have to eat anything.” And she ate precisely nothing.

It takes patience and calm heads to help a picky eater

I tried to feel okay with her refusing dinner again but honestly, it was harder than I thought it would be. I had to keep reminding myself that focusing on food was making her feel pressure to eat so I had to stop.

That night, my partner and I had a long chat. We were going to do things differently from now on. There were lots of tears and reassurance.  We’d tried something and it wasn’t working.

Although we hadn’t done the best we could until now, it wasn’t too late! We spent our evening together talking about how the problems had become so bad and building our plan.

Taking the pressure off food and mealtimes

The following day we had a chat with our daughter. We told her we would all be sitting together at dinner time from now on. We talked about listening to our bodies telling us when we’re hungry and full. That was it, no talking about needing to eat healthy foods to grow, nothing about eating all our dinner. Just listening to our bodies. We had this conversation with her late morning so we weren’t talking about it too close to dinner time.

We’d decided eating was more important than healthy eating. We’d taken away the pressure and guilt of our daughter not eating healthily.

What Happened Next

I wish I could say that it was all smooth sailing from there. Change did happen but it was gradual. I had expected a lot more and found it tough that progress was so slow. I had to remind myself that a win is a win, however small.

The first couple of weeks she sat at the table but kept getting up to walk around the room. We just quietly called her back and engaged her in conversation. A win is a win. Still she ate nothing. Soon she understood that dinnertime meant sitting at the table. Eventually, one day I will never forget, she took a bite of a roast potato. My partner and I looked at each other and it was so hard not to say anything (or cheer!) but we managed it. That felt like a massive win!

From then on, my little one started to feel safe to try a few bites of her dinner here and there. Never a huge amount and not every day. She only cleared her plate when it was nuggets and chips. But that’s okay, she was still growing and healthy, running around and playing with her friends.

Dealing with my feelings of guilt having a picky eater daughter

I had to deal with my guilt and feeling like I had caused the problem. I had created such a stressful atmosphere around food. My daughter had felt so much pressure to eat she couldn’t bring herself to bring food to her mouth. It took me a long time to let go of this guilt. I should have been kinder to myself, I was doing my best in a situation where I felt completely out of my depth and had no guidance. I made a conscious effort to forgive myself as we moved forward into our new routine. As I noticed small changes I forgave myself more and more until I became proud of the stress-free, less wasteful dinnertimes I had created.

(Don’t be too hard on yourself as a parent )

At this point i have to say being a parent isn’t easy. Some things you do work some things don’t work as well.  Don’t be too hard on yourself your children don’t come with a manual. 

Where are We Now?

My “little girl” is eleven now. She has two younger brothers and dinnertimes are a lovely way for the family to reconnect after work, school and nursery. Her eating is better, I’d still say she’s still a picky eater but she eats plenty from her plate every night, as do her brothers. It was a long road but I’m so glad we made the changes we did. Everything seems lighter around food. If you’d asked me back then whether I thought I’d ever enjoy sharing a meal with my children I’d have laughed at you but here we are.

Things still aren’t perfect though, nuggets and chips are still the only meal everyone will eat!

Thank you for reading my blog Dealing with a PICKY EATER in Your Family?.  My name is Hazel and i’m one of the experienced and knowledgeable parents available on Cosychats 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.
Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding


🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

a picture of a family wondering Is Having KIDS a GOOD Idea?

Should We Have Children

Blog, New Parents, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Having Kids is not a given but are the sacrifices worth it?

There are so many reasons NOT to have children that sometimes it feels overwhelming and frightening thinking about having kids. Lets be clear having kids is both of those things and many more but for us the joys far out weight the fears and negatives.

Before we start I don’t want you to read this blog and think I’ve persuaded you to have kids. YOU must want children.

This blog is for people who want children but are faced with so may fears and negatives they retreat back in fear from the decision.

Acknowledging the Doubts

We’re often told that to choose children, you have to be ready to sacrifice it all: your freedom, lifestyle, finances,  your body, your career, your sleep, your very identity. That’s a terrifying thought and not one that i’m going to say isn’t true.  All those things can be true.  It’s the main reason people end up on the fence. We see parenthood as a list of losses. But that’s only half the story.  What if the things you gain are so immense, so foundational, that you can’t even measure them? The truth is, having children is probably the biggest and greatest decision you’ll probably make in your life.

Let’s start with the “before,” because I think it’s where most people reading this are.

The world constantly reminds us of the reasons to say no to having kids. We hear about the financial strain, the environmental impact, and the sheer, bone-deep exhaustion.

For women they may look at their careers and wonder how we could possibly step away, even for a little while. We’re afraid of losing the identity we’ve worked so hard to build. We see the curated perfection on social media and feel the insane pressure to be a “perfect parent,” which feels like an impossible standard.

On top of all that, there’s a deeper, more existential fear. Are we ready? Is this a world we should bring a child into? These questions are heavy, and they are valid.

It’s easy to look at the sleepless nights and the massive responsibilities and just say, “No, thank you. My life is good as it is.” It’s okay to feel that your life is full without having kids. It’s okay to be scared of the change children bring. Both are valid.

The barriers to having kids.

So lets look at two of the biggest issues.  Cost and Change.

Cost: Children can (do) cost a lot of money.

No getting away from it children are expensive.  They are a drain on finances but is cost a valid reason not to have kids.  No one wants to see children brought into poverty but what is poverty?  Not going on foreign holidays isn’t poverty.  Taking hand me downs isn’t poverty.  Scrimping and saving isn’t necessarily poverty.  Sure there are sacrifices but children from low incomes homes are no less loved, no less cared for, by parents who love and cherish their children whatever.

I admire families that have to watch the pennies, who don’t have luxuries but have the greatest luxury of all, each other.

My father talked about a ‘rich mans paradise’, having everything material, big house, nice car, suntan but really owning nothing valuable as really none of those luxuries matter.

I’ll give you a moment to think about that…..

Families can make do without a lot and sacrifices will have to be made but whether or not you can afford children is a decision. Be honest if you still want nice holidays and cars and can’t afford children as well, DON’t feel guilty about this.  I certainly don’t blame you.  You have decided life is for you and living and i’m sure there are many parents who look at you enviously sometimes.

Do you sums with and without children. If you are willing to make sacrifices then you need to decide if the sacrifices in having children are worth making. Can you go without and make do, whatever make do looks like for you.

It maybe tough financially. Money maybe tighter but life’s not perfect and money’s not everything.  It maybe baked beans on toast for several years but if your willing there’s a way.

This may sound flippant as MONEY is a huge concern for many people but look back over generations money has been tight. Think of your own childhood, did you have lots of money, presents piled high. Go back another generation and it was fruit and one toy for presents. The point is yes money is a big thing and yes children cost money in lots of ways BUT money doesn’t make a child happy, the love, attention, play and presence of their parents and family does.

This is a decision you CAN make.

Change: The Change in life.

This ones quite simple.  Its huge but its not all sleepless nights and nappy changes, although that is a lot of it.  Its equally looking at your child with emotion you didn’t think you had.  Love so real it hurts to your bones to think of losing it.  The change is life changing but in such a good way.

The fear of change is often worse than change itself.  We adapt and get on with it.  The freedoms you had before will not be there but parenting life isn’t a ball and chains, there are still moments of freedom and time to be yourself.  Just far less of them  🙂.

Is anyone anyone ever ready?

This is a key point for anyone on the fence: you’ll probably never feel 100% “ready.” There’s never a perfect time. You’ll never feel like you have quite enough money, your house will never feel big enough, and you’ll never feel wise enough. The decision to have a child isn’t about checking off a list of requirements. It’s about being ready to grow. It’s about being open to the idea that your life could be about more than just you.

No one can tell you when and if your ready for this. You’ll know when your ready but don’t let it be because of a list of things you need to tick.  Sure be practical, be realistic but don’t become so fearful of the list of reasons you shouldn’t have children, you become blinkered to anything else.

The unexpected. A new sense of purpose, parenting and legacy.

Parents often say they have a new, profound sense of purpose. Life is no longer abstract and lacking direction. Purpose is tangible, real and laying in their arms, needing them for literally everything.

You see your own parents in a new light, with a whole new appreciation for what they did. It can strengthen your bond with your partner as you navigate this huge challenge together, and research has shown that fathers, in particular, often report more meaning in their lives when they have a good relationship with their child. <BR><BR>And interestingly, some studies suggest that the increased social support and healthier behaviors tied to raising kids might even lead to parents living longer lives.<

Finally, there’s the idea of legacy. This isn’t about creating a mini-me. It’s about passing on your values, your stories, and your love. It’s about knowing that a part of you, in the most beautiful sense, carries on. It’s a connection to the future that is both humbling and awe-inspiring. You are a link in a chain, and your job is to make that chain as strong and as loving as you can.

What to Consider – The Real Questions

So, if you’re still on the fence, what should you really be asking yourself? The question isn’t, “Am I ready to give things up?” The real question is, “Am I open to a different kind of fulfillment?”

Forget the checklists. The real questions are deeper. Are you willing to have your definition of happiness completely taken apart and then rebuilt into something bigger and more resilient? Are you open to discovering a love that isn’t transactional, but sacrificial—and in turn, more rewarding than any love you’ve known?

Are you ready to grow in ways you can’t even imagine, to be pushed to your limits and find out you’re stronger than you ever thought?

Parenthood isn’t the only path to a meaningful life, and it’s a deeply personal choice that should never be made because of pressure. But it is a uniquely trans-formative one. The fear of losing your identity is real, but what I’ve found is that you don’t lose yourself. You find a deeper, more essential version of yourself that was there all along, just waiting to be needed.

My personal experience

Do it.  You’ll manage somehow.  You’ll find a way.  Sure there are sacrifices, sometimes huge sacrifices but the rewards are FAR bigger for me.  The sense of belonging and doing (being part of) something amazing are real. The love and connection is real, even if you can barely see it when they become teenagers.

Save children.  Its not one size fits all but if you listen to fears you’d never do anything.  Sometimes in life you just have to jump but remember you choose to jump but NEVER blame your children for your decisions.

Go into being a parent with your eyes open.  Know the sacrifices and reasons why you want children. Spend time thinking, not being scared and if after all the deliberation you can see a world with children. Make do.  As children will enrich your life in so many ways.

So we’ve got to the end. The purpose of this blog was to present the other side of the coin. That there are so many reasons not to have children but let me leave you with a different perspective. Start at the one question that matters. Ask yourself do you want children? Ignore everything else, every reason why you can’t, every fear and worry.

One Simple Question : DO you want Children?

This answers drives the rest of your questions. If you want them find a way. Make things works. Sacrifice and make do if you need to. Then you will be a parent.

 

I hope this blog has been useful. As I say my intention isn’t to convince you, its to think of the other side and what life would be like having kids. How poor you could be in one sense but how rich your would be in another.  I hope this makes sense.

This blog was written by an adoptive parent in the UK who understands making sacrifices for children. Why after all that they have sacrificed they wouldn’t change it or their children for anything because there is such thing as a poor mans paradise and its so much better than the rich mans paradise.

If Your Thinking of Having Children But Are Unsure?

Try talking to parents and get their understanding, experience and knowledge.  CosyChats is a Parent Support Service that offers personalised support for parents.   While we expect most parents aren’t going to say they would change their lives they will be able to provide you with and honest and independent idea of what life with children is like.  The sacrifices and joy children bring.

We parents ourselves and when we were childless we thought we largely understood parenting and what its like to be a parent.  How wrong we were on so many levels.  We understand so much now and would gladly share our experience and knowledge.

You can find parents of new children here and parents of teenagers here

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues.

For parents of Teenagers click here.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame
👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small
👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding
🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be
🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience
💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control
Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.
👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

A child sat down wondering if its Is it ever right or justified to use violence against children?

Is It Ever OK to Hit Children? The Debate

Adoption, Blog, Healthy, Kids, New Parents, Teenagers, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is it ever right to use violence and hit children? If this is a question you’ve asked yourself then keep reading.

On recent edition of a prominent US chat show the host advocated parents to “spank your kid’s a**” instead of being letting children go “crazy”. This was in relation to a news article on gentle parenting.

The question was in relation to a a video where a small child repeatedly smacked he mother in the face. The mother was practicing gentle parenting and was calmly asking her daughter ‘please don’t hit me’.

The assertion being that smacking would stop the child’s behaviour and the host referred more generally to unacceptable behaviour in shops etc, citing his own up upbringing where this type of behaviour would not have tolerated by his family.

So this raises the question. Is it ever OK to hit children and use violence to stop and correct(?) behaviour? Is there a time and place for a smack to stop or correct behavior? We use various phrases, smack, spank but its the same thing, to hit children, to use violence against children.

What is the UK law on people who hit children?

It is unlawful for a parent or carer to hit kids including their own children, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in Section 58 Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation.Whether a ‘spank’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circumstances of each case, taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the spank.

There are strict guidelines covering the use of reasonable punishment and it will not be possible to rely on the defence if you use severe physical punishment on your child which amounts to wounding, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm or child cruelty.

Smacking was banned in Scotland in 2020 and was followed in Wales in 2022, prompting renewed calls for the UK government to outlaw the practice in England and Northern Ireland.

This information is correct as at 31 7 2025 as provided by The law on smacking children – childlawadvice.org.uk

When you hit and use violence against children, what does it do to a Child’s Brain

As parents, we’d move mountains for our kids. We love them like crazy. And yet, somehow, they have a supernatural ability to push every single one of our buttons, driving us to a point where we might do something we regret… like spank them.

Do parents actually plan to hit kids and use violence or is it an emotional reaction to a situation?

The answer maybe in our upbringing, For previous generation the idea of being able to use violence, to   ‘spank my kid’ was more widespread and accepted.  Generally is was more acceptable to hit kids.  ‘A clip round the ear never did any harm’.  This leads us as parents to think “I turned out fine.” But what if that one smack does more than just sting for a minute? What if it actually sets off a chain reaction in a child’s brain, with effects that can ripple out for a lifetime? We’re going to look at what the science really says about using violence, using spanking and, more importantly, explore what we can do instead to raise kids who are both cooperative and incredibly resilient. If we hit kids their are consequences.

The Problem – A Giant’s Hand

From our grown-up point of view, a smack can seem like a minor, in-the-moment correction. But we have to try, just for a second, to see it through the child’s eyes. To a small child, a parent is everything. They’re your source of safety, your protector, your entire universe. And physically, let’s be honest, we’re giants. To hits kids conveys a message to that child.  I as a parent think its OK to communicate by force and use violence.

 

So when that giant—that source of all safety and love—intentionally causes pain, the child’s world gets flipped upside down. The message they get isn’t really about hitting their sibling.

 

The message is that the one person who is supposed to protect them is also,  sometimes, a threat.

So the simple notion its OK to spank my kid from an adult perspective, triggers far greater emotions and reactions in the child.

This isn’t about shaming parents. It’s about understanding this huge difference in perception. What we see as a quick course correction, a child’s brain registers as a danger signal. And as we’re about to see, that signal triggers a whole series of alarms in their developing mind, changing how they see the world and even how their brain physically gets wired. Decades of research have consistently shown that physical punishment violence is linked to harm to a child’s social, emotional, and cognitive development.

 

 The Science – A Brain on High Alert

So, what’s actually going on in their head when they get smacked? Thanks to neuroimaging, we don’t have to guess anymore. Groundbreaking research, a lot of it from scientists at Harvard, has given us a window right into the brain’s real-time response.

So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences really true? Is it ever ok to hits kids?

In one major study, researchers used MRI scans to watch kids’ brains. They showed the children pictures of faces with either neutral or fearful expressions. What they found was pretty shocking. When they saw the fearful faces, the kids who had been spanked showed way more brain activity in multiple areas of their prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that’s constantly scanning the environment for threats. Essentially, their brains were on high alert, working overtime to find danger.

 

And here’s the kicker: the brain activity of the spanked children looked exactly like the brain activity of children who had suffered what anyone would call severe abuse. Let that sink in for a moment. On a neurological level, the brain doesn’t seem to draw a big line between a smack and other forms of violence. It just recognizes a threat from a caregiver and starts rewiring itself to survive.

 

This constant “threat-detection” mode is a result of the brain’s stress response system getting triggered over and over. When a child is hit, their brain is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. This is the body’s natural alarm, and it’s great for escaping real danger, like a tiger. But when that alarm is constantly being pulled, it becomes toxic to the developing brain. It can even lead to less gray matter in the prefrontal cortex—the very part of the brain in charge of self-control, decision-making, and regulating emotions.

 

Other studies have found that physical punishment is linked to adolescents being extra sensitive to their own mistakes and less responsive to positive things in their life. This state of constant alert, this neurological vigilance, doesn’t just stay in the brain. It spills out into a child’s daily life, with some serious and lasting consequences.

So is the idea, its OK to spank my kid, without serious consequences isn’t true. There are  consequences in following the belief that its OK to spank my kid but are there other consequences as well?

 

The changes in the brain that scientists are seeing aren’t just lab results; they show up in a child’s life in very real ways.

 

First, the risk for mental health challenges goes way up. Children who are physically punished are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and substance use disorders down the road. Their brains, basically trained to see threats everywhere, can create a constant, humming background of anxiety. A 2021 study found that kids smacked at age three were more likely to have poor mental health and more difficult behaviors all the way up to age 14.

 

Second, it can actually make kids more aggressive. It seems backward, right? Parents who spank are usually trying to stop aggression. But kids are always watching us. Social learning theory tells us they learn how to solve problems by seeing how we solve problems. When we use our size and power to get what we want, we’re modeling that aggression works. A massive review of studies involving over 160,000 kids confirmed it: physical punishment is linked with more aggression and antisocial behavior, not less. So when we hits kids it shows kids its ok to hit.

 

Third, it damages the single most important parenting tool we have: our relationship. Great parenting is built on a foundation of warmth and trust. Physical punishment chips away at that foundation and replaces it with fear. A child who’s afraid of being hit is not going to come to you for advice or to confess they messed up. That parent-child bond gets weaker, which just makes every other part of parenting harder.

 

And finally, it just doesn’t work to teach the right lesson. A smack might stop a behavior for a minute, but it doesn’t help a child understand why it was wrong. The child’s focus immediately shifts from “what I did” to “the pain I feel” and “my parent is scary.” It teaches them how to not get caught, not how to be a good person. Real discipline—which comes from a word that means “to teach”—is about guiding our kids to develop self-control. Physical punishment just isn’t built for that job.

There are still arguments to hit kids.

The “But I Turned Out Fine” Argument

 

Okay, so right about now, a lot of people are thinking, “But I was spanked, and I turned out fine.” This is probably the number one defense of spanking, and it’s a powerful one, so it’s worth talking about directly.

First off, people are incredibly resilient. We can and do overcome all sorts of difficult childhood experiences to become happy, successful adults. No one is saying that every single child who is spanked is doomed.

 

But let’s gently unpack the “I turned out fine” idea. For one thing, it’s totally subjective. We don’t have a control-version of ourselves to compare to. How do we know how we might have turned out if things were different? Is it possible we could have been even better than fine? Maybe a little less anxious, a little more confident, with a greater capacity for joy? We can’t ever know the road not taken.

More importantly, the mountain of research is clear: while you may have turned out fine, physical punishment dramatically increases the risk of negative outcomes. It’s like saying your grandpa smoked a pack a day and lived to be 90, so smoking isn’t dangerous. We all know that’s not true. We know smoking massively increases the risk of cancer and heart disease, even if not every smoker gets sick. In the exact same way, the evidence is overwhelming that smacking increases the risk of aggression, mental health problems, and struggles with learning.

 

Knowing these risks, the question isn’t, “Will spanking absolutely ruin my child?” The real question is, “Why would I take that risk at all, when there are better, more effective alternatives that build my child up and have no risks attached?”

An alternative way of looking at it is does the belief, its OK to spank my kid, mean you miss out on creating a better, happier and more content version of your child.  So how do you leave the idea its OK to spank my kid behind and progress?

The Solution – Building Brains, Not Fear

 

So, if the goal is to raise great kids without causing harm, what are we supposed to do when our child pushes us right to the edge? The answer is to shift our thinking from punishment to teaching. The goal isn’t to make a child pay for a mistake; it’s to give them the skills they need to not make that mistake again. This is often called positive discipline, and it’s all about connecting with our kids before we correct them.

 

Here are a few powerful alternatives that really work.

First, try a “Time-In” instead of a “Time-Out.” A traditional time-out sends a kid away to handle their overwhelming feelings all by themselves. A time-in means you go with them to a quiet space. You don’t even have to talk at first. You just sit there, being a calm anchor in their emotional storm. This teaches them that you’re their safe space during their hardest moments, not someone who will abandon them.

 

Second, use redirection. Little kids, especially, often “misbehave” out of curiosity or a simple lack of impulse control, not because they’re being malicious. If your toddler is banging a toy on the new coffee table, instead of yelling and smacking their hand, you can say, “Ooh, the car is for the floor! Let’s go find a great ramp for it!” You see their need to play and just steer that energy toward something that works.

 

Third, offer limited choices. A lot of challenging behavior is just a bid for a little bit of power in a world where kids have none. Offering simple choices gives them a sense of control. Instead of barking, “Put your coat on now!” you could try, “It’s time to leave. Do you want to wear the blue coat or the red one?” You’re still in charge—leaving isn’t up for debate—but they get a voice in how it happens.

 

Finally, lean into empathy and communication. After things have calmed down, get on their level. “I saw you were so mad that your sister took your toy. It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hit. Next time you feel that angry, you can stomp your feet or come tell me, and I’ll help you.” This shows them you understand, states the boundary clearly, and gives them a better plan for next time. It’s a masterclass in emotional intelligence.

Conclusion & CTA

The science couldn’t be clearer. That one smack—that split-second decision to use force—does so much more than just sting. It sends a threat signal straight to a child’s brain, changing its development and wiring it for fear. It increases the long-term risk of anxiety, depression, and aggression, and it doesn’t even succeed at teaching the lessons we want our kids to learn.

The idea its OK to spank my kid is outdated and discredited by clear evidence.

But the science also points us to a much better path. By shifting from punishment to connection, we can guide our kids effectively while making our relationship with them even stronger. We can be brain-builders, not fear-builders. It’s not always the easy way, but it’s the one that leads to raising resilient, emotionally healthy, and truly cooperative people.


So were at the end of, is it OK to spank my kid? We hope we have presented the information clearly. We hope you consider and think about your actions as every action has a consequence. We know you want to do the best for your child and even believing its OK to spank my kid, is believing you are doing the best for your child.  We hope this article at the very least makes you think and research the subject yourself.  We hope you keep in mind the alternative to its OK to spank my kid. Maybe replace the word spank with use violence.  Spank sounds soft and without consequences. To use violence sounds more serious and a bigger step. the reality is there both the same. They both use violence.  Smacking is violence.

We’d love to hear from you in the comments – what are some gentle strategies that have worked for your family? Your experience could be a huge help to another parent reading.



Do you still believe its ok to hit kids?

Being a parent is difficult but there is help available.

Being a parent is hard, we know were parents. that why we created CosyChats.com to help other parents by providing much needed personalised parent support.

Parent support that can help you navigate the pitfalls of being a parent. Learn in an empathetic and understanding from the huge experience and knowledge parents on CosyChats have.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues.
Features of CosyChats.com 1-2-1 personalised parenting service.
🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

 

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.
👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

This Blog was written by an adoptive parent of three children who understands children. How yes they can push your buttons but NO doesn’t believe or follow, its OK to spank or use violence on my kid. We do not hit our kids and never will.  They have been through trauma already and accepting its OK to hit kids and use violence just adds to your child’s trauma.

No detail or pictures can be shared to protect the adopted children’s privacy and right to a wonderful new life where physical abuse or violence is not part of their life anymore.