Tag Archives: mindful parenting

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Inherited Parenting – How to Make The Most Of Your Upbringing

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Inherited Parenting: What to Keep, What to Let Go, What to Improve.

Inherited Parenting “Parenting how you were parented?” Its natural and just happens before we realise it.

As parents – it happens, even to the best of us.

That moment you didn’t see coming.

Words that you never thought you would say fall out of your mouth.

“Because I said so!”

“This isn’t a hotel!”

“You’ll understand when you are older”

You promised yourself you would never say them, never to turn into your own parents. inherited parenting is real
But it’s also an opportunity, a chance to decide how you want to parent.
It’s a crossroads where you decide if you raise your children the way you and your friends or relatives were, or if you want to take a different path.

The world changes between each generation of children in ways you might never see coming.
Perhaps, like me, you too grew up without social media, ubiquitous mobile phones and all the new challenges they bring.

Support for parents has evolved, see how. 

Deciding how to parent is more of an art than a science, and it might bring you many wins and defeats but the great thing is – it’s never a competition nor is it black and white.

Most parenting is more learned before it was chosen.
It’s purely down to you to reflect on what you embrace, what you tweak and what you delete entirely in how you raise your children.
But this does not mean you have to do it on your own.

Parenting Styles

“Children don’t come with a manual.”

So much of parenting is done by instinct, or on a vibe moment to moment.
I can still remember the first time I held and fed my son. Even though it was not something I had experience of, it just came so naturally. Other things came with practice but still felt quite instinctive. Even the nappies!

Many parents might not even think about it too much, unless things start to go wrong.

The “goto” approaches to parenthood however are so often learned rather than chosen – before we are even adults.
We take onboard how we are raised ourselves, we see how our friends are cared for and we even subtly notice how parents we come across act with their children.

Because so much of parenting is done on autopilot there should be no guilt or shame. In realising there are options in raising children it frees us as parents to reflect and find out what really works, for us, for our children and as part of the modern world with its new challenges.

This also works backwards as well as forwards. The way we were raised. Here we have the benefit of the advancement of time and while some parenting styles and techniques remain, many have changed. We know some much more now. So before judging or blaming we should try to remember that they had no manual either. Every parent tries their best and who knows how we will be judged by future generations. Possibly harshly when I think about how technology rules our lives now.

Attempting to parent in different ways now does not have to be a rejection or judgement on how you were raised yourself. Gratitude for your childhood and growth now are not opposite concepts. We may feel more enlightened now but our parents may disagree.

Parenting Support has evolved – See How.  

A Parenting Values Statement?

When first considering how you want to raise your children, square one should be to first establish a rough idea of your values as a parent. This enables you to parent consciously rather than chaotically.

While it might seem intimidating to think about this, it’s good to keep in mind that it’s a journey more than a destination and that it’s a very fluid process.
Your values will likely start with how you felt about your own childhood but will inevitably be shaped by how the world has changed, new parenting realities, your experience around other families and your children’s personality.

It’s a deeply personal and emotional process and it’s one not fixed in stone.
A way to make it easier is to think about these questions

How do I want my child to feel growing up?

What do I want my child to say about me as a parent?

Would I want this done to be by someone I trust?

Does your approach encourage character, resilience and feelings of safety?

Are you preparing them for life or just making your own life easier?

What are your parenting red lines?

This doesn’t have to be complicated and have written formal statements, it’s just a set of ideals to have in mind.
Like everything in parenting you will make mistakes and the goalposts will move but some preparation never hurts. With these ideals you can apply them to situations and decide what parenting techniques to delete, what to modify, and what to embrace.

You may go further and follow a parenting style. Gentle parenting divides parent opinions but for those who are believers its a style they understand, follow and presumably works for them. Having a default appears to make the whole ‘what should do’ decision easier. Accepting or rejecting Inherited Parenting maybe a very binary and easy decision for you.

Keeping, editing and embracing styles

Embrace

Probably the easier part of considering your parenting style is deciding what habits to introduce and what habits to keep. The techniques that worked well for you as a child and translate well to the personalities of your own family, and the approaches that work broadly for most children now.
Then there are the things adopted by many modern parents to deal with the challenges of things like social media and the mental health challenges of the current generation.

Here’s some great examples:

Consistency, traditions and routines

Respect for effort, resilience and responsibility

Managing exposure to social media and technology.

Modify

Approaches and techniques from the past, and things that maybe work for other families are often fundamentally sound – they just might need tweaking for your own family.
I feel much of this and Inherited Parenting is about how parents communicate with their children.
For me this meant that as much as possible I would try to explain why when asking my son to do something and a large shift, reflected in wider society, away from fear based discipline.
There should be consequences, of course, for bad behaviour but the world has moved from cruel sanction to consequences that encourage children to reflect more.
On the flipside to this, in my generation sons were not directly shown affection from fathers but I think a positive is that this is changing. Children are permitted more to express their emotions, especially boys.

Here is a list of examples:

Strict discipline becomes firm boundaries with empathy and less fear.

Being tough becomes validating and allowing emotions

Respect in both directions as parents listen even if they do say no

Delete

There are some ways in which children were treated in previous generations that most people would now consider unacceptable, and in fact in many countries around the world are now even illegal. Some of the ways that people parented were based on instinct and maybe things that worked in the short term, or on assumptions that have since changed.
Communicating openly about the struggles of parenting can only help to find the best ways of parenting rather than go on what went before, or instinct.

For example:

Not using physical punishment or yelling as it just causes fear and is centered around the parent losing control

Encouraging emotions and affection because it is a sign of strength to show them not hide them

Avoiding shame in childhood because of the long-term damage to self-esteem it can do to everyone involved.

Conclusions

Everybody knows that parenting is one of the hardest jobs you will ever do, so isn’t parenting consciously just extra work you don’t need?

The truth is that when done carefully and gradually it should be something that brings you closer to your children, and makes your life actually easier. Conscious parenting is an act of courage.

Most parenting styles require evolution not revolution and this means you are never starting from scratch.As a work in progress it is a gradual task but there will be mistakes and setbacks along the way.

It’s also important to not fall into the trap of blame or shame about the way other people parent or have been parented. It’s a reflection of people doing their best with the information they had and the way the world was at the time.

Parenting does not come with a map, but by parenting consciously you can choose to have a compass. Inherited Parenting maybe your starting point but it doesn’t have to be your end.

If you want to talk about this or any other parenting issues, please view my profile on CosyChats.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service.

What is Cosychats.com and what does Cosychats do? That can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well-rounded children. How to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.Signs of anxiety in primary school children

Introducing CosyChats

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👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

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🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.
👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

Thank you for reading ‘Inherited Parenting – How to Make The Most Of Your Upbringing’

Being a parent can be challenging. This is one of the reasons we set up CosyChats. CosyChats hosts experienced parents who can share their experience and knowledge by provide support and help to other parents. Seeking the help and support of someone who has walked in your shoes is absolutely the right thing to do.

Good or bad parent

Am I a Good or Bad Parent?

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Am I a good or bad parent? How many times have you asked yourself this? A 1,000 times or more?

CosyChats is a parenting community and this is a question parents ask themselves. We’re parents to and we’ve asked it ourselves far too many times.  At CosyChats we know parents can be hard on themselves and this creates self doubt, fear and lack of confidence, often unnecessarily.

I dislike the term bad parent. Parenting is hard and demanding. Describing someone as a bad parent feels harsh but bad parents do exist though and we need to recognise this.  If we don’t we don’t give those parents a chance to change their lives.

Why are parents so hard on themselves?

Often parents are harder on themselves than they need to be. The probability is that as your concerned enough to ask if your a good or bad parent you at least want to improve being a parent. Most likely your not a bad parent. Your also not a perfect parent but probably do suffer periods of self doubt and feeling out of your depth. I think this is more common that we think.  Parents seem to be hard on themselves because being a parent is a really important job with lots of responsibility. We don’t want to get it wrong.

help for parents

Being a parent isn’t easy and parents can be too hard on themselves not celebrating enough themselves and what we get right as parents. We know this because we’re parent too. At Cosychats we host a range of parents who want to help and support you.

It is because were parents we understand and want to help, to share our experience and knowledge in a supportive and non judgmental way. Were not perfect parents nor do we know all the answers but were here to help.

There are no perfect parents.

Now more than ever the desire to be the perfect exists and parenting is no different.  Social media drives a lot of this with influence’rs posting their perfections and not their reality.

Don’t fall into comparison or judgement trap. Don’t create a race you cannot win.  Perfect parents do not exist.  At CosyChats we interact with lots of parents and we’ve never found a perfect parent but some of the most grounded and accepting (of themselves) parents are ones who learn to accept their mistakes, learn and move on. Parenting doesn’t always allow you time to think in the moment but once those seeds of doubt have been planted they will grow.

Talking to another parent helps you to ground your ability and expectations. One of our parents sums it up as ‘most parents are just winging it anyway’. On Cosychats you’ll find lots of helpful and supportive parents who want to help and help and support you however they can.

Taking the pressure off ourselves as parents.

There is enough pressure on parents without us adding more ourselves but that’s what we do.  We set expectations and judge ourselves harshly. As parents we should look for ways to reduce stress and pressure on ourselves.  Step back and think about where your pressure comes from, friends, social media, family?  Find it and do your best to stop it.

This doesn’t mean isolating yourself its learning to manage and deal with people around you that don’t add to more pressure and expectation to your life.  Cosychats.com is a parenting community and we host parent who you can book a session with, parents who can listen and help you create your own safe space to reduce pressure.

Every parents makes mistakes and has bad days.

Children don’t come with a manual. What works one day fails the next. What works for one child may not work for another. Being a parent is a complex and challenging job and we can interpret lots of things as making us bad parents when they are just part of being a parent.

Things that don’t make us bad parents.

Bad parents do exist though.  We know that but lets not tarnish ourselves as bad parents just yet.  Lets go through things we might think make us bad parents but actually don’t.

Getting the work life balance wrong.

We provide for our families. That’s what families do and going to work can be demanding. The work life balance is unlikely to always be level and often swings but that doesn’t make us bad parents.  It makes us busy and committed parents.  However busy you are make even a small window of time for your children.  They’ll love and appreciate you for it. Read Get Your Work Life Balance Right

Not being rich.

Money does not improve us as parents.  Money can add security and pay for nice things but it never replaces time spent with children.  Forget thinking money will make you a better parent.  Quality time with your children is free.

Being inexperienced parents

Every parent has to start off somewhere and all the reading and preparation can’t compare you for the moment you become a parent.  So many parents and grandparents say they learn something new every day.  Being a parent is accepting you don’t know everything and are still learning. Children are a puzzle that changes with a new challenge every day. Learning is part of it.  Cosychats is a parenting community where the most experienced and knowledgeable parents freely admit they can still be surprised and learn new things every day.  That’s just parenting. Read Stop feelings of isolation being a parent

Making mistakes

Following on from inexperience comes learning.  Learning through making mistakes. So much of parenting is trial and error.  Finding out what works and what doesn’t.  There is no pause button and sometimes you just have to go with what you think is best and hope for the best.  Its not perfect but its how parenting works for so many families.this doesn’t make you bad parent’s.

Not being able to cope.

There is a sense of failure at not being able to cope as a parent but so many parents we speak to, including ourselves have periods of not being able to cope as a parent.  There it is, sometimes its just too much.  We want to walk outside and scream or curl up in a ball in a warm dark place.  Fade into the background.  Not be pestered.  Not have responsibility for your children.  Sometimes its just too much and we shouldn’t apologise for that.  That’s just the way it is.  Recognise your own limitations and try as best as you can to stay within them.  Not always possible but step beyond your own limitations and you put more pressure on yourself. Your not superhuman and eventually all that pressure will weight down on you.

Addictions.

Being a parent does not shield you from addictions.  Life unfortunately is not that simple.  Good parents can have addictions and addictions can be strong.  Like any addiction the solution is to get help especially when that addiction starts to impact the welfare of your children.

Recognising you own addictions.

Before you skip past this section take a moment to recognise your own addictions.  Drugs, gambling and alcohol are the obvious ones but so many addictions lie in the background unnoticed.  Recognising and being honest about your own addictions, really helps. Most people can’t let go of their phones and some spend time on their phone over time with their children.  This doesn’t necessarily make you a bad parent but it does make you a distracted one and to some degree a neglectful one.  Build time off your phone and with your family.  Be a good role model.

Read Is PHONE ADDICTION Ruining Your Family Bonding?

Being a poor role model.

Do what i say not what i do is seen through and children recognise and copy your behaviours. Bad habits can repeat through generations.  Take time to think about this and change your behaviours.  Your can’t protect your children from life but you can change or alter your behaviours to set a good example to your children.  This is in your control.

Read How a Role Model Can Empower Kids

Not getting on with your children.

Just because you don’t get on with your children doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact the opposite may be true.  Setting guidelines and making rules isn’t going to make you popular.  Being a parent isn’t about being your child’s best friend, although if you can get  that balance right, great for you.

Read How to Create a Strong Relationship With Your Children – Cosychats

Your children don’t turn out the way you wanted.

Allowing your children space and giving them tools to choose and succeed on their own path is part of your job as  parent.  They may change career paths and i’m sure make mistakes along the way but allowing them freedom to decide and find happiness seems the right thing to do. This is a big topic and some parents disagree. Read FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Not Theirs?

So am I a good parent or a bad parent?

What is a bad parent really?

I think most of us find it easier to understand what a good parent is but what is a bad parent really? We thought about this a lot and think at the core of that question is the basics.

Being a bad parent is, intentionally or neglectfully;

-neglect your children’s needs,

-don’t feed or care for your children,

-don’t keep your family safe, .

-harm or neglect your children.

Conclusion – So am I a bad parent?

This blog is to re assure most parents that there not bad parents.  They’re human and full of self doubt that makes them vulnerable.  Parents make mistakes, doing a difficult job. They have occasional bad behaviours but are still good parents. Parenting can be isolating and this allows fears and doubts to grow. Taking time to talk to other parents help you recognise the imperfections in other parents and realise your own strengths and strengths as a parent.

Sure your not the perfect parent but who is? Recognising your not a bad parent really helped us move on as parents. To accept our parenting imperfections and worry less about them and spend more time with our children.

If you still consider yourself a bad parent.

There is no blame here. If you are unable to care and protect your children, you and your children need help. If this is you then please reach out and seek help. A good starting point we found is your local GP or NHS Service. 

Parenting Support.

We exist to support parents.

CosyChats.com is a community of parents. We host experienced parents who can provide Personalised Parent Support including sharing parenting knowledge and experience including parenting mistakes and mishaps. Parents who can chat, listen and be there for you. Parents who understand how difficult parenting can be.

A parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.

Why Parents Should use the CosyChats parent support service.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions

🧷Safe Parent Support Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Parenting Problem Is Too Big and No Parenting Question Too Small

👩‍👦Parents Supporting Parents Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘Practical Parenting Support Created by UK Parents

🧑🏼‍🦱Parent Mentoring from Parents with Real Lived Parenting Knowledge & Experience

💻Online Parenting Support from the comfort of your own home.

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats parent support service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼A Personal Parenting Mentor for you

👍🏼Parent support via phone, Text or On-Line.

👍🏼Support Groups for key development stages

👍🏼Flexible parenting support sessions.

👍🏼Online parenting support at a reasonable cost.

👍🏼Parent support sessions can be gifted to a parent who needs parental support.

👍🏼Parent to parent support group harness wide parenting experience.

👍🏼Support services are booked in 10 minute slots.

👍🏼Parenting support from real parents who want to help.

help for parents

Thank you for reading the blog  (am-i-a-good-or-bad-parent). We hope we have offered you re-assurance and given the confidence to make mistakes and move on without being too hard on yourself.

About the author.

This blog was written by a parent of three adopted children who does have occasional bad  behaviours and plenty of parenting self doubts but is a good parent and recognises this.

Part of adoption for us is not being able to share pictures or information on ourselves to protect our children childhood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Create a Strong Relationship With Your Children

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Introduction:

Creating a strong relationship that will last for life with your kids. Every parent worries constantly about their children – usually before they are even born.

We worry about them being safe and how they will thrive in a changing and challenging world.

How to create a strong relationship with your child

 

Every parent wants the absolute best for their children and for them to mature into resilient, independent adults.

At CosyChats.com we support personalised parental support and parent mentoring. CosyChats.com offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.

A powerful technique towards this is nurturing an open and sharing relationship with your child where they feel they can approach you to tell you anything – without feeling fear, guilt, or shame – only hearing your guidance.

Is a strong bond natural?

Parents often think they will always have a strong bond with their children and we hope you do but not all families have this. Relationships break down especially as children grow and become teenagers. Cosychats hosts a parenting community that can offer help and support to you and by sharing their experience on how they maintained a healthy, effective and loving relationship with their child. There is no shame or judgement as we know how easy strong bonds with your children can be tested. How isolating and distant teenagers can be.

As the milestones of my son growing up fast came and went by, I feel fortunate that he has come to me when he has needed help, advice or just to vent how he felt. I felt we had a strong relationship and that we could discuss most things openly. 

Help for parents

At first it would be just him telling me about his day at the end of school, but then it became about his friendships and what he wanted from his life.

When we moved house we talked about him being happier and preferring being somewhere rural and meeting new people.

And then, unfortunately there are the less happy things such as the peer pressure and judgement of the teenage years, the pitfalls of dating and when education pressures start to weigh heavy.

I feel very fortunate to have this safe space in my small family for him to share with us but I don’t think it was just by accident. 

My honest hope is that by using some  of the ideas and tools in this blog, anyone can build openness, trust and grow the confidence in their children to share their thoughts and feelings so important in future adulthood. Building a strong relationship was important for me, i wanted my son to trust me and be able to speak to me. 

 

Why being an Approachable and Open Parent helps build a Strong Relationship with  your Children 

If Work getting in the way of your family read our blog  What Happens When WORK Disrupts Time With Your Kids?

Do you remember times when you felt your feelings just didn’t matter?

That time at work in a meeting when your boss ignores your opinion completely?

The girlfriend that just tells you your opinion is wrong without even listening?.

Maybe as a child when you were upset and a parent just told you to not make such a fuss..

Now do you remember the times you felt that your feelings and opinion did matter?

When someone took the time not to just listen – but to understand your viewpoint.

How they tried to change things for you you felt something was unfair

When they didn’t just dismiss you and tell you to get on with it

If you remember the difference, you will understand why it’s important for a parent to have a an open sharing relationship with their child. 

If you have been treated like this you will have empathy for:

Feeling anger because your feelings didn’t matter.

Feeling shame for feeling this way to start with.

And insecurity because your feelings were rarely valued.

Knowing these things we should focus on the strong relationship we are building with our children.

It’s important to remember that in childhood we learn about the world, and how to process our emotions. The sort of relationships you form with other people.

When a child grows up without the security and comfort of having a safe space they can end up emotionally distant, insecure or  scared of commitment.

Without a sense of safety, risky behaviour is more likely, because they have never felt safe.

If they aren’t successful in approaching people and expressing themselves they can end up with lower confidence, making adult life harder – the opposite of what we really wanted for our children.

The Benefits of Being an Open Door Parent to build a Strong Relationship with your child 

A great way of imagining what an open parent child relationship looks like is an open door.

Your child should feel comfortable sharing anything with you but this requires trust, communication, and a supportive environment.

The door is a great analogy because it works on so many levels.

Being an open door means that you are mostly always available, but it also means that you don’t ever force or expect that conversation. You can show them that the door is open, but they have to choose if they want to share, and when. Celebrate their honesty, as the foundation to an open and trusting relationship.

It also means they are free to leave, they only have to say what they want to and can leave at will. There are ways, however of encouraging your child to share, and practical tips on how to have these conversations when they do

How to Build a Strong relationship with Your child.

How to really listen to your child – pitfalls parents fall into that create distrust 

When your child chooses to start this conversation, be fully present as much as possible.

There are times of course, like when life is hectic or possibly you are driving, when it’s harder to do this. You can always agree to finish talking about it later.

During your talk, put everything else aside, put the phone down and give it your full attention.

Make them know you are listening by reflecting (asking questions or making statements to how you are listening) what they say to you as this also makes them feel validated. Make them feel seen and understood. When they do talk, be transparent and honest in your dialogue – building credibility and growing trust. 

Asking open ended questions also stops the conversation shutting down.

Your child may also communicate better in different ways. A text or note might work better than face to face, talking during an activity might open things up.

If we try to take an interest in their world and what is important to them, they may also feel more comfortable in coming forward to you. 

Why Really Listening to Your Child is so important

Its really important your child feels heard and knows that you as their parent will listen.  Most parents will say they listen to their children but do we really listen?  I think the biggest culprit is ‘distracted listening’. Listening to your child but being engaged on something else, usually your phone. Give your children attention.  Make them feel their feelings matter and you care.  Most parents do care and want to hear their children but often parents give the impression of being distracted.

Give Support to your Child not Judgement

As a parent is try to show empathy wherever possible and ask open-ended questions. Children are more likely to talk if you listen without judgement or criticism. A technique for this is to say ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ statements, taking the focus off them. Also encourage them to talk by praising their honesty. Use words that support and show your love, not criticism or minimising the problem.

It’s also important to stay calm if the conversation gets tough or touches on taboo subjects – it’s important they feel safe coming to you in the future.

You can  show your support by brainstorming and working on problem solving solutions together – as a team.

Be mindful that building a strong relationship with your child takes time and the relationship will be tested.  Being a parent means considering the long term relationship and not reacting or worse over reacting to the extent your child child not fears being able to tell you things.

How to spend quality time with your child and still be a parent. 

Quality time with your child is a given for a great relationship with your child.

It’s also a great way to encourage them to be open with you. By choosing activities they enjoy, they will be relaxed and more inclined to talk.

Find rituals that stick, a chat at bedtime or the school run and family dinners eaten together.

Personally I would take my son on a bike ride, or a hot chocolate as a treat on Fridays.

Experiment what works for you and your child don’t force it just find something you can enjoy with a treat ideally.  The hot chocolate is our father son thing, something we enjoy together and strengthens the bond between us.

If you do this regularly enough you can also check in, asking them how they are doing.

Start this good parenting habit early so it becomes their normal. Try to keep your promises to be there – but don’t expect that they will automatically open up to you. Be patient especially with teens. You build a strong parent child relationship but it will change and you will have to adapt your parenting style. Things change for teenagers and what was cool pre-teens may not be anymore, including you.  

Balance a child’s right to privacy with parental responsibility.

Another facet of keeping your parent child bond connected is to respect your child’s privacy. If they feel you are intruding they are less likely to be open with you or share problems in the future.

Balancing your child’s right to privacy and your role as a parent can be difficult at times.  If your child is at risk then you may reasonably decide their privacy is a secondary concern.

My advice would be if you can look into their life without them knowing then consider it.  Checking phones is a big one.  If you can check it without them knowing then this maybe a good solution.  You need to be prepared to defend and explain your right as a parent to delve into your child’s personal life though.

It maybe better to be up front and ask your child more personal questions but this may just shut them down and highlight your interest.  Its not ideal but sometimes being a parent involves being sneaky.

Ultimately your parental responsibility is to keep your children safe and free from harm.  The wishes of your child are out weighted by the right of you as a parent to them i think.  If you explain why you breached their privacy your child may not like it but hopefully they’ll understand why you did it as their parent, because you love and care for them.  Sometimes listening takes a back seat as a parent and you need more direct action to help and support your children.

Modelling good parent behaviour and sharing vulnerability 

Maybe in the past you have heard other parents say,”Do as I say, not as I do”. 

Hopefully this is just a way of saying that as parents we know we are not perfect.

This aside though, a very powerful way of encouraging your child to be open and share with you- is to do this yourself. Don’t be afraid to open up your life before you were a parent to your child. 

How to create a strong relationship with your child

Whether during a period when they are beginning to open up to you, or just in general. They can only feel more comfortable to talk when you nurture an environment of openness and  trust. Sharing the times you went through similar problems, and how you personally overcome them. Builds trust and will bring you together.


For me personally – not hiding my own problems from my son- mental or physical brought another affect that I did not even expect. 

Being open, being honest, takes away the pressure of hiding it from your child. From pretending that everything is fine. This is a weight off your shoulders that nobody including parents needs to carry.

Sometimes what your child might say could even surprise you in how useful it is to your problem. Our children should not be our therapists, but they see the world in a much more open and simple way.

You may be surprised how helpful and understanding your children can be to your needs and see you as more than a parent who tells them what to do and a human who has their own frailties.

 

How guidance and not punishment can help you form a better relationship with your child

 

Focus on what you as a parent wanted to achieve with your child.

Creating a parent child safe space will bring benefits to both of you, and strengthen your relationship for a lifetime.

Although there are times when there will need to be punishment for your child, the occasions where they have shared something difficult might not be one of these times.

This doesn’t mean there can’t be consequences for your child, but by focusing on the guidance, and explaining how it’s different from punishment – the outcomes will hopefully be more positive and your child will still want to share with you in the future.

By removing fear and retribution, and by using problem solving and discussion then you can have healthier consequences and not just punishments without any subsequent change.

Being a parent means you have to think of the war and not just the battles but also battles aren’t really battles, they are opportunities to provide guidance to your child.

 

Conclusion

Building an open, sharing relationship with your child doesn’t happen overnight.

It needs a lot of patience and experimenting to find out what works.

But it is worthwhile. The bond of trust and dependability will build resilience, trust and a relationship that will last a lifetime. 

Even if you feel you don’t have this quite yet, it’s never too late to start.

Start small by introducing ritual quality time with your child with regular check-ins. Tell them you are always available for them, be patient and practice active listening.

Be open to sharing feelings and thoughts in both directions with your child to grow their  trust.

If you wish to discuss this further or get help with any other parenting issues. Feel free to contact me on CosyChats.

CosyChats.com hosts experienced parent who can provide Personalised Parent Support including how to create a strong relationship with your children.

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Thank you for reading the blog  (how-to-create-a-strong-relationship-with-your-children). Understanding how creating a strong bond with your child is beneficial. Can change the way you think about parenting your child.