Domestic violence was never part of your family. Your family home used to be a place of love, playful laughter and happiness.

Now it’s a place of fear, raised voices and you dread being hurt by your own children.

What do we mean by hitting and domestic violence?

Domestic violence sounds harsh and serious words.  Sometimes parents will say they just hits me when he or she is angry. We used the term (domestic) violence in this blog because that’s what it is and its important to recognise violence and violent behaviour and not apologise or cover it up.

How did violence become a routine part of your life?

As a parent the moment your newborn child is placed in your arms you feel their vulnerability. In their tiny size you feel they are dependent on you in every moment, and you know that from now on, you will do whatever it takes to protect them.

Inevitably your relationship with your child becomes different at each stage of their life and eventually you will have conflict with your child.

Of course this is normal, especially during the teenage stage, but what happens when it goes from raised voices and slammed doors to pushing, shoving, bruises or worse, Violence against you? Violent children.

When you are faced with domestic violence and the only thing you want is the best outcome for your children it can be hard not to be paralysed by fear and shame. Who would want to admit they are scared of their own child? Who would want to admit their child uses violence against them? 

If you ignore it maybe it just gets even more frequent, violent and maybe they start to do it to someone else.

Try to resist it, maybe you or they get hurt.

If you argue with them, maybe they get more angry and use more violence. Can you reason with violent children.

And maybe, reporting it and asking for help labels them as a criminal, and does more harm than good.

All you wanted to do was love them to make them happy but it’s starting to feel like they hate you and everyone is miserable. Violent children need help but how do you provide that help

All you hoped was to keep them safe but now they are just hurting you – mentally, emotionally and even physically.

The parent support dilemma of violent children. 

What to do when your child uses violence against you. 

Statistics are rare on violent children whee children use aggression against their parents but it is known that forty percent of parents do not report it before it becomes more serious. Domestic violence goes un-reported every day. 

Sometimes we can hope it will pass or improve on its own, maybe we feel guilty or ashamed to admit to it and face judgement. You don’t want to be seen as that bad parent after coming so far.

But It’s vital that if you feel you, your family or your child are in danger from aggression or violent children that you seek help, immediately if you need it.

Violence from anyone should not be tolerated including violent children, even if they are your own children. 

Parents frequently don’t report what they are going through or seek help and there can be many reasons for this.  We know parents who are routinely living with violence from their children. Parents who live with the violence because they just don’t know what to do and are ashamed and afraid to ask for help.  

The motives don’t have to be as extreme as the fear of a criminal record for your child or the extreme fear they could be taken away.

There may-be a fear that confronting the problem will make your child angrier or use more violence towards you.

Often it’s as simple as not wanting to taint the relationship with your child for life, the hope is the violence will just resolve itself with the passing time or the fear of judgement from other parents, friends and family members.

As parents we strive to be the best we can be, it’s very hard to put up your hand and admit you are struggling. You might feel so guilty, or become so deeply immersed into denial about how bad things have become – that you are paralysed into inaction.

Admitting your child is using violence against you is often too big an issue to share.

Easier the parent thinks, to put up with it.

Often the best way to help your child is to recognise that you need help, and to realise you aren’t helping them or yourself if you become hurt. Violent children need help

Occasionally an abused parent may hesitate because they worry they won’t be taken seriously, or that there will be no useful help.

Parent Support – Your child becoming violent does not mean you are a bad parent.

Take some reassurance that the problem is way more common in families than may realise, and this does not make you a bad parent.

Violence against parents is reported in at least 3 percent of UK homes, but the figure is probably much higher due to historically low reporting.

Parental abuse happens to people from all walks of life and in many varied circumstances.

Whatever you do as a parent don’t suffer in silence or accept your child’s violence against you. 

There is always hope – with many things that you can do as a parent, and if applied well hopefully we can avoid things getting any more serious.

Another consideration is that parental abuse is frequently varied, complicated and may evolve. There may not be violence in the beginning. Most children aren’t born violent.

It can start with raised voices but may become emotional, coercive, include damaging property, financial, online or other controlling types of abuse – as well as sadly involving violence. 

It might also start with one form and mutate into one or more of the others.
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Parents maybe be accepting of poor behaviour and sometimes blame themselves for not tackling the behaviour sooner not realising or accepting it is not their fault, and they are not to blame.

The reasons why children use violence and what to do when your child becomes violent. 

Trying to solve the problem of child aggression is like navigating roads without a map, or building furniture without the instructions.

As well as there being multiple reasons why it could be happening, it could also be many of them simultaneously. Being aware of these possible reasons however can only make the issues more relatable and cultivate higher levels of empathy.

Developmental and emotional factors

Teenagers are famous for their moodiness. It’s a period of life full of hormones with a growing struggle for independence. Additionally during this period a teenage brain is still developing (especially the prefrontal cortex) so they may act before they think.

Rules, limits and authority can all be reacted against explosively and unpredictably.

Family and relationship dynamics

Circumstances at home, or with the most important people in their lives, can be another factor in childhood aggression. Changing dynamics, such as family breakdown, arguments and conflict, especially with the child feeling ignored or emotionally unsupported, can also trigger conflict and violence.

When there are arguments between adults within a family home, sadly it can become normalised for children and so they may mirror this behaviour at home.

Finally, as much as teenagers love to argue – they actually need structure and boundaries. Inconsistency often just leads to more power struggles.

External pressures

Teenagers, and young people have never had quite so many pressures as nowadays.

Academic stress, social media or peer pressures, cost of living worries and all the usual difficulties that come with becoming an adult – all add to stress and may lead to outbursts of anger and aggression.

Mental health struggles

It’s not always the case that children show they are struggling with their mental health by being withdrawn or tearful. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, or trauma can sometimes show up as irritability and aggression. 

Even if your child is not suffering with mental illness then low self esteem or insecurity can also drive their behaviour.

The outbursts are the warning signs that these problems need addressing.

Useful Techniques

Although you may feel alone and helpless in the moment there are definitely things you can do to hopefully diffuse the situation. Some techniques might work better than others and results might be different day by day.

Safe Space

During incidents move both physically and conversationally away from your child.

Give them the room to vent their emotions and gradually calm down.

Being closer can just be intimidating for both of you and if things do escalate you are within physical reach.

If your child uses violence then have a plan and be near to an exit, while also trying to keep them away from things that can be damaged or things they may do damage with. 

Remove objects that can be harmful.

Safe words

If we can diffuse an incident with space then often we can also with the words we choose.

How do you feel when you are upset about something and the person dismisses you, minimises your feelings or just ignores what you have to say?

Often this just makes us feel worse, if not more angry.

Your child does not have to be factually right for you to listen attentively and acknowledge what they are saying to you.

It is then a learned skill to decide if to tell them politely how you disagree, to let things slowly fade away, or to gently change the subject. Only understanding the situation will let you judge which approach is best.

The calm after the storm

Arguments aren’t solved in the heat of the moment, and that’s why it’s always best to wait

Personally, I have had several disagreements with my son when the best thing to do was actually nothing.

Sometimes he would just be over-tired or stressed about something and all that arguing about it would do – is make it more strained.

Waiting hours or even sleeping on it and waiting for the next day invites true calm and lets emotions regulate. Jumping straight into a lecture is rarely productive.

This also gives you the space to think about the words you pick and to carefully pose your body language as one of the hardest parts in diffusing arguments is to not restart the argument or accidentally say something that makes it actually even worse.

Try to use I statements instead of you statements. For example;

“I felt scared when you shouted at me”, 

not blaming – “ You’re always so violent”.

Reflection

Follow this up by asking them to reflect on how they felt as it was happening but explain that their actions were unacceptable and where the boundaries should be.

Hopefully in explaining why they felt so emotional, the root causes, if any, will be revealed. Listen very carefully without jumping to judgement.

Listen carefully to what they have to say to you, carefully not dismissing or patronising them.

If you dismiss them out of hand and don’t actually discuss how they feel or their opinions they will just feel ignored, dismissed or worse, treated as a child – increasing anger and resentment.

Furthermore if you don’t debate their opinions or feelings, how can they ever alter?

Together you can then move forward and respectfully solve these issues together.

Finally, try to pivot into doing something more fun together.

The easy way to think of correcting this aggressive behaviours is:

“Calm first, connect second, correct third.”

If parents jump to punishment too quickly, the teen may shut down or become defensive. But if parents avoid addressing it at all, the aggression can escalate. Balance is key.

Documenting

Writing down the details of incidents, what happened before, and what worked can be a great idea.

It can also be a way for you to realise how serious the problem is, and if it’s getting worse.

Looking outwards.

Share your feelings. Have an outlet to share your emotions and for someone else to be objective. Parents often don’t want to admit behaviours and violence is getting worse. 

This can give you the breathing room to cope, and a new perspective.

Of course this also applies equally to your child, they too many benefit from talking about it to friends, a different relative, support group, or a professional as part of therapy.

It’s also important to look after yourself, emotionally, physically and mentally.

Take time out to relax and shift focus from the issue.

Parent Support – When should you contact the Police?

What can the Police do.?

Cosychats offers a parenting support service that draws upon the experience of other parents.  A parent mentorship to help and support other parents but our service is remote and on-line. We are not with you. We don’t live your life but we know as parents sometimes you need to put yourself first to support your child.  If your child is becoming violent they need help.  Contacting the police can provide that help.

Parents are often reluctant to involve the police for fear of retribution and demonising/criminalising the child. As a parent support group our advice would be to talk to the police, share your concerns and see how the police can help you and your child.

If you are in danger or fearful do not hesitate to contact the police.

Conclusion

Parenting Support – Don’t Suffer in silence, there is always help and people who can help.

Sadly, aggression from children towards their parents is not rare, and a lot of it goes hidden.

It does not make you a failure as a parent  and it happens to all sorts of families from every background.

There are things you can do to work on the problem, but seeking help is a sign of strength not weakness.

If you ever feel in danger it is very important to get help, even if this means contacting the police. Don’t assume that this will always result in the worst outcome for your family. They are there to help.

Doing this is how you protect you and your family and stop things getting worse.

If you want to talk about this or any other parenting issues, feel free to contact CosyChats.

CosyChats is a Parent Support Service for Parents.

We support personalised parent support. CosyChats offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.

Why Parents Should use the CosyChats parent support service.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions

🧷Safe Parent Support Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Parenting Problem Is Too Big and No Parenting Question Too Small

👩‍👦Parents Supporting Parents Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘Practical Parenting Support Created by UK Parents

🧑🏼‍🦱Parent Mentoring from Parents with Real Lived Parenting Knowledge & Experience

💻Online Parenting Support from the comfort of your own home.

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats parent support service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼A Personal Parenting Mentor for you

👍🏼Parent support via phone, Text or On-Line.

👍🏼Parent Support Groups for key development stages

👍🏼Flexible parenting support sessions.

👍🏼Online parenting support at a reasonable cost.

👍🏼Parent support sessions can be gifted to a parent who needs parental support.

👍🏼Parent to parent support group harness wide parenting experience.

👍🏼Parenting support services are booked in 10 minute slots.

👍🏼Parenting support from real parents who want to help.

Call to action. – Parents supporting parents.

If you hear or see violence see how you can help.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/protecting-children/if-you-report-child-abuse-to-the-police/