Inherited Parenting: What to Keep, What to Let Go, What to Improve.
Inherited Parenting “Parenting how you were parented?” Its natural and just happens before we realise it.
As parents – it happens, even to the best of us.
That moment you didn’t see coming.
Words that you never thought you would say fall out of your mouth.
“Because I said so!”
“This isn’t a hotel!”
“You’ll understand when you are older”
You promised yourself you would never say them, never to turn into your own parents. inherited parenting is real
But it’s also an opportunity, a chance to decide how you want to parent.
It’s a crossroads where you decide if you raise your children the way you and your friends or relatives were, or if you want to take a different path.
The world changes between each generation of children in ways you might never see coming.
Perhaps, like me, you too grew up without social media, ubiquitous mobile phones and all the new challenges they bring.
Support for parents has evolved, see how.
Deciding how to parent is more of an art than a science, and it might bring you many wins and defeats but the great thing is – it’s never a competition nor is it black and white.
Most parenting is more learned before it was chosen.
It’s purely down to you to reflect on what you embrace, what you tweak and what you delete entirely in how you raise your children.
But this does not mean you have to do it on your own.
Parenting Styles
“Children don’t come with a manual.”
So much of parenting is done by instinct, or on a vibe moment to moment.
I can still remember the first time I held and fed my son. Even though it was not something I had experience of, it just came so naturally. Other things came with practice but still felt quite instinctive. Even the nappies!
Many parents might not even think about it too much, unless things start to go wrong.
The “goto” approaches to parenthood however are so often learned rather than chosen – before we are even adults.
We take onboard how we are raised ourselves, we see how our friends are cared for and we even subtly notice how parents we come across act with their children.
Because so much of parenting is done on autopilot there should be no guilt or shame. In realising there are options in raising children it frees us as parents to reflect and find out what really works, for us, for our children and as part of the modern world with its new challenges.
This also works backwards as well as forwards. The way we were raised. Here we have the benefit of the advancement of time and while some parenting styles and techniques remain, many have changed. We know some much more now. So before judging or blaming we should try to remember that they had no manual either. Every parent tries their best and who knows how we will be judged by future generations. Possibly harshly when I think about how technology rules our lives now.
Attempting to parent in different ways now does not have to be a rejection or judgement on how you were raised yourself. Gratitude for your childhood and growth now are not opposite concepts. We may feel more enlightened now but our parents may disagree.
Parenting Support has evolved – See How.
A Parenting Values Statement?
When first considering how you want to raise your children, square one should be to first establish a rough idea of your values as a parent. This enables you to parent consciously rather than chaotically.
While it might seem intimidating to think about this, it’s good to keep in mind that it’s a journey more than a destination and that it’s a very fluid process.
Your values will likely start with how you felt about your own childhood but will inevitably be shaped by how the world has changed, new parenting realities, your experience around other families and your children’s personality.
It’s a deeply personal and emotional process and it’s one not fixed in stone.
A way to make it easier is to think about these questions
How do I want my child to feel growing up?
What do I want my child to say about me as a parent?
Would I want this done to be by someone I trust?
Does your approach encourage character, resilience and feelings of safety?
Are you preparing them for life or just making your own life easier?
What are your parenting red lines?
This doesn’t have to be complicated and have written formal statements, it’s just a set of ideals to have in mind.
Like everything in parenting you will make mistakes and the goalposts will move but some preparation never hurts. With these ideals you can apply them to situations and decide what parenting techniques to delete, what to modify, and what to embrace.
You may go further and follow a parenting style. Gentle parenting divides parent opinions but for those who are believers its a style they understand, follow and presumably works for them. Having a default appears to make the whole ‘what should do’ decision easier. Accepting or rejecting Inherited Parenting maybe a very binary and easy decision for you.
Keeping, editing and embracing styles
Embrace
Probably the easier part of considering your parenting style is deciding what habits to introduce and what habits to keep. The techniques that worked well for you as a child and translate well to the personalities of your own family, and the approaches that work broadly for most children now.
Then there are the things adopted by many modern parents to deal with the challenges of things like social media and the mental health challenges of the current generation.
Here’s some great examples:
Consistency, traditions and routines
Respect for effort, resilience and responsibility
Managing exposure to social media and technology.
Modify
Approaches and techniques from the past, and things that maybe work for other families are often fundamentally sound – they just might need tweaking for your own family.
I feel much of this and Inherited Parenting is about how parents communicate with their children.
For me this meant that as much as possible I would try to explain why when asking my son to do something and a large shift, reflected in wider society, away from fear based discipline.
There should be consequences, of course, for bad behaviour but the world has moved from cruel sanction to consequences that encourage children to reflect more.
On the flipside to this, in my generation sons were not directly shown affection from fathers but I think a positive is that this is changing. Children are permitted more to express their emotions, especially boys.
Here is a list of examples:
Strict discipline becomes firm boundaries with empathy and less fear.
Being tough becomes validating and allowing emotions
Respect in both directions as parents listen even if they do say no
Delete
There are some ways in which children were treated in previous generations that most people would now consider unacceptable, and in fact in many countries around the world are now even illegal. Some of the ways that people parented were based on instinct and maybe things that worked in the short term, or on assumptions that have since changed.
Communicating openly about the struggles of parenting can only help to find the best ways of parenting rather than go on what went before, or instinct.
For example:
Not using physical punishment or yelling as it just causes fear and is centered around the parent losing control
Encouraging emotions and affection because it is a sign of strength to show them not hide them
Avoiding shame in childhood because of the long-term damage to self-esteem it can do to everyone involved.
Conclusions
Everybody knows that parenting is one of the hardest jobs you will ever do, so isn’t parenting consciously just extra work you don’t need?
The truth is that when done carefully and gradually it should be something that brings you closer to your children, and makes your life actually easier. Conscious parenting is an act of courage.
Most parenting styles require evolution not revolution and this means you are never starting from scratch.As a work in progress it is a gradual task but there will be mistakes and setbacks along the way.
It’s also important to not fall into the trap of blame or shame about the way other people parent or have been parented. It’s a reflection of people doing their best with the information they had and the way the world was at the time.
Parenting does not come with a map, but by parenting consciously you can choose to have a compass. Inherited Parenting maybe your starting point but it doesn’t have to be your end.
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Thank you for reading ‘Inherited Parenting – How to Make The Most Of Your Upbringing’
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