Tag Archives: parenting tips

Am I a Good or Bad Parent?

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Am I a good or bad parent? How many times have you asked yourself this? A 1,000 times or more?

CosyChats is a parenting community and this is a question parents ask themselves. We’re parents to and we’ve asked it ourselves far too many times.  At CosyChats we know parents can be hard on themselves and this creates self doubt, fear and lack of confidence, often unnecessarily.

I dislike the term bad parent. Parenting is hard and demanding. Describing someone as a bad parent feels harsh but bad parents do exist though and we need to recognise this.  If we don’t we don’t give those parents a chance to change their lives.

Why are parents so hard on themselves?

Often parents are harder on themselves than they need to be. The probability is that as your concerned enough to ask if your a good or bad parent you at least want to improve being a parent. Most likely your not a bad parent. Your also not a perfect parent but probably do suffer periods of self doubt and feeling out of your depth. I think this is more common that we think.  Parents seem to be hard on themselves because being a parent is a really important job with lots of responsibility. We don’t want to get it wrong.

There are no perfect parents.

Now more than ever the desire to be the perfect exists and parenting is no different.  Social media drives a lot of this with influence’rs posting their perfections and not their reality.

Don’t fall into comparison or judgement trap. Don’t create a race you cannot win.  Perfect parents do not exist.  At CosyChats we interact with lots of parents and we’ve never found a perfect parent but some of the most grounded and accepting (of themselves) parents are ones who learn to accept their mistakes, learn and move on. Parenting doesn’t always allow you time to think in the moment but once those seeds of doubt have been planted they will grow. Talking to another parent helps you to ground your ability and expectations. One of our parents sums it up as ‘most parents are just winging it anyway’.

Taking the pressure off ourselves as parents.

There is enough pressure on parents without us adding more ourselves but that’s what we do.  We set expectations and judge ourselves harshly. As parents we should look for ways to reduce stress and pressure on ourselves.  Step back and think about where your pressure comes from, friends, social media, family?  Find it and do your best to stop it.  This doesn’t mean isolating yourself its learning to manage and deal with people around you that don’t add to more pressure and expectation to your life.  Cosychats.com is a parenting community and we host parent who you can book a session with, parents who can listen and help you create your own safe space to reduce pressure.

Every parents makes mistakes and has bad days.

Children don’t come with a manual. What works one day fails the next. What works for one child may not work for another. Being a parent is a complex and challenging job and we can interpret lots of things as making us bad parents when they are just part of being a parent.

Things that don’t make us bad parents.

Bad parents do exist though.  We know that but lets not tarnish ourselves as bad parents just yet.  Lets go through things we might think make us bad parents but actually don’t.

Getting the work life balance wrong.

We provide for our families. That’s what families do and going to work can be demanding. The work life balance is unlikely to always be level and often swings but that doesn’t make us bad parents.  It makes us busy and committed parents.  However busy you are make even a small window of time for your children.  They’ll love and appreciate you for it. Read Get Your Work Life Balance Right

Not being rich.

Money does not improve us as parents.  Money can add security and pay for nice things but it never replaces time spent with children.  Forget thinking money will make you a better parent.  Quality time with your children is free.

Being inexperienced parents

Every parent has to start off somewhere and all the reading and preparation can’t compare you for the moment you become a parent.  So many parents and grandparents say they learn something new every day.  Being a parent is accepting you don’t know everything and are still learning. Children are a puzzle that changes with a new challenge every day. Learning is part of it.  Cosychats is a parenting community where the most experienced and knowledgeable parents freely admit they can still be surprised and learn new things every day.  That’s just parenting. Read Stop feelings of isolation being a parent

Making mistakes

Following on from inexperience comes learning.  Learning through making mistakes. So much of parenting is trial and error.  Finding out what works and what doesn’t.  There is no pause button and sometimes you just have to go with what you think is best and hope for the best.  Its not perfect but its how parenting works for so many families.this doesn’t make you bad parent’s.

Not being able to cope.

There is a sense of failure at not being able to cope as a parent but so many parents we speak to, including ourselves have periods of not being able to cope as a parent.  There it is, sometimes its just too much.  We want to walk outside and scream or curl up in a ball in a warm dark place.  Fade into the background.  Not be pestered.  Not have responsibility for your children.  Sometimes its just too much and we shouldn’t apologise for that.  That’s just the way it is.  Recognise your own limitations and try as best as you can to stay within them.  Not always possible but step beyond your own limitations and you put more pressure on yourself. Your not superhuman and eventually all that pressure will weight down on you.

Addictions.

Being a parent does not shield you from addictions.  Life unfortunately is not that simple.  Good parents can have addictions and addictions can be strong.  Like any addiction the solution is to get help especially when that addiction starts to impact the welfare of your children.

Recognising you own addictions.



Before you skip past this section take a moment to recognise your own addictions.  Drugs, gambling and alcohol are the obvious ones but so many addictions lie in the background unnoticed.  Recognising and being honest about your own addictions, really helps. Most people can’t let go of their phones and some spend time on their phone over time with their children.  This doesn’t necessarily make you a bad parent but it does make you a distracted one and to some degree a neglectful one.  Build time off your phone and with your family.  Be a good role model. Read Is PHONE ADDICTION Ruining Your Family Bonding?

Being a poor role model.

Do what i say not what i do is seen through and children recognise and copy your behaviours. Bad habits can repeat through generations.  Take time to think about this and change your behaviours.  Your can’t protect your children from life but you can change or alter your behaviours to set a good example to your children.  This is in your control. Read How a Role Model Can Empower Kids

Not getting on with your children.

Just because you don’t get on with your children doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact the opposite may be true.  Setting guidelines and making rules isn’t going to make you popular.  Being a parent isn’t about being your child’s best friend, although if you can get  that balance right, great for you. Read How to Create a Strong Relationship With Your Children – Cosychats

Your children don’t turn out the way you wanted.

Allowing your children space and giving them tools to choose and succeed on their own path is part of your job as  parent.  They may change career paths and i’m sure make mistakes along the way but allowing them freedom to decide and find happiness seems the right thing to do. This is a big topic and some parents disagree. Read FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Not Theirs?

So am I a good parent or a bad parent?

What is a bad parent really?

I think most of us find it easier to understand what a good parent is but what is a bad parent really? I thought about this a lot.  I think at the core of that question is the basics.

Being a bad parent is, intentionally or neglectfully;

-neglect your children’s needs,

-don’t feed or care for your children,

-don’t keep your family safe, .

-harm or neglect your children.

Conclusion – So am I a bad parent?

This blog is to re assure most parents that there not bad parents.  They’re human and full of self doubt that makes them vulnerable.  They make mistakes doing a difficult job. They have occasional bad behaviours but are still good parents. Parenting can be isolating and this allows fears and doubts to grow. Taking time to talk to other parents help you recognise the imperfections in other parents and realise your own strengths and strengths as a parent.  Sure your not the perfect parent but who is? Recognising your not a bad parent really helped us move on as parents. To accept our parenting imperfections and worry less about them and spend more time with our children.

If you still consider yourself a bad parent.

There is no blame here. If you are unable to care and protect your children, you and your children need help. If this is you then please reach out and seek help. A good starting point we found is your local GP or NHS Service. 

Parenting Support.

CosyChats.com exists to support parents.

CosyChats.com is a community of parents. Cosychats.com hosts experienced parents who can provide Personalised Parent Support including sharing parenting knowledge and experience including parenting mistakes and mishaps. Parents who can chat, listen and be there for you. Parents who understand how difficult parenting can be.

CosyChats offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.

Why Parents Should use the CosyChats parent support service.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions

🧷Safe Parent Support Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Parenting Problem Is Too Big and No Parenting Question Too Small

👩‍👦Parents Supporting Parents Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘Practical Parenting Support Created by UK Parents

🧑🏼‍🦱Parent Mentoring from Parents with Real Lived Parenting Knowledge & Experience

💻Online Parenting Support from the comfort of your own home.

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats parent support service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼A Personal Parenting Mentor for you

👍🏼Parent support via phone, Text or On-Line.

👍🏼Parent Support Groups for key development stages

👍🏼Flexible parenting support sessions.

👍🏼Online parenting support at a reasonable cost.

👍🏼Parent support sessions can be gifted to a parent who needs parental support.

👍🏼Parent to parent support group harness wide parenting experience.

👍🏼Parenting support services are booked in 10 minute slots.

👍🏼Parenting support from real parents who want to help.

Thank you for reading the blog  (am-i-a-good-or-bad-parent). We hope we have offered you re-assurance and given the confidence to make mistakes and move on without being too hard on yourself.

About the author.

This blog was written by a parent of three adopted children who does have occasional bad  behaviours and plenty of parenting self doubts but is a good parent and recognises this.

Part of adoption for us is not being able to share pictures or information on ourselves to protect our children childhood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Create a Strong Relationship With Your Children

Adoption, Blog, Kids, School, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Creating a Strong Relationship With your Child: 

Introduction:

Creating a strong relationship that will last for life with your kids. Every parent worries constantly about their children – usually before they are even born.

We worry about them being safe and how they will thrive in a changing and challenging world.

Every parent wants the absolute best for their children and for them to mature into resilient, independent adults.



At CosyChats.com we support personalised parental support and parent mentoring. CosyChats.com offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.

A powerful technique towards this is nurturing an open and sharing relationship with your child where they feel they can approach you to tell you anything – without feeling fear, guilt, or shame – only hearing your guidance.

As the milestones of my son growing up fast came and went by, I feel fortunate that he has come to me when he has needed help, advice or just to vent how he felt. I felt we had a strong relationship and that we could discuss most things openly. 

At first it would be just him telling me about his day at the end of school, but then it became about his friendships and what he wanted from his life.

When we moved house we talked about him being happier and preferring being somewhere rural and meeting new people.

And then, unfortunately there are the less happy things such as the peer pressure and judgement of the teenage years, the pitfalls of dating and when education pressures start to weigh heavy.



I feel very fortunate to have this safe space in my small family for him to share with us but I don’t think it was just by accident. 

My honest hope is that by using some  of the ideas and tools in this blog, anyone can build openness, trust and grow the confidence in their children to share their thoughts and feelings so important in future adulthood. Building a strong relationship was important for me, i wanted my son to trust me and be able to speak to me. 

 

Why being an Approachable and Open Parent helps build a Strong Relationship with  your Children 

If Work getting in the way of your family read our blog  What Happens When WORK Disrupts Time With Your Kids?

Do you remember times when you felt your feelings just didn’t matter?

That time at work in a meeting when your boss ignores your opinion completely?

The girlfriend that just tells you your opinion is wrong without even listening?.

Maybe as a child when you were upset and a parent just told you to not make such a fuss..

Now do you remember the times you felt that your feelings and opinion did matter?

When someone took the time not to just listen – but to understand your viewpoint.

How they tried to change things for you you felt something was unfair

When they didn’t just dismiss you and tell you to get on with it

If you remember the difference, you will understand why it’s important for a parent to have a an open sharing relationship with their child. 

If you have been treated like this you will have empathy for:

Feeling anger because your feelings didn’t matter.

Feeling shame for feeling this way to start with.

And insecurity because your feelings were rarely valued.

Knowing these things we should focus on the strong relationship we are building with our children.

It’s important to remember that in childhood we learn about the world, and how to process our emotions. The sort of relationships you form with other people.

When a child grows up without the security and comfort of having a safe space they can end up emotionally distant, insecure or  scared of commitment.

Without a sense of safety, risky behaviour is more likely, because they have never felt safe.

If they aren’t successful in approaching people and expressing themselves they can end up with lower confidence, making adult life harder – the opposite of what we really wanted for our children.

The Benefits of Being an Open Door Parent to build a Strong Relationship with your child 

A great way of imagining what an open parent child relationship looks like is an open door.

Your child should feel comfortable sharing anything with you but this requires trust, communication, and a supportive environment.

The door is a great analogy because it works on so many levels.

Being an open door means that you are mostly always available, but it also means that you don’t ever force or expect that conversation. You can show them that the door is open, but they have to choose if they want to share, and when. Celebrate their honesty, as the foundation to an open and trusting relationship.

It also means they are free to leave, they only have to say what they want to and can leave at will. There are ways, however of encouraging your child to share, and practical tips on how to have these conversations when they do

How to Build a Strong relationship with Your child.

How to really listen to your child – pitfalls parents fall into that create distrust 

When your child chooses to start this conversation, be fully present as much as possible.

There are times of course, like when life is hectic or possibly you are driving, when it’s harder to do this. You can always agree to finish talking about it later.

During your talk, put everything else aside, put the phone down and give it your full attention.

Make them know you are listening by reflecting (asking questions or making statements to how you are listening) what they say to you as this also makes them feel validated. Make them feel seen and understood. When they do talk, be transparent and honest in your dialogue – building credibility and growing trust. 

Asking open ended questions also stops the conversation shutting down.

Your child may also communicate better in different ways. A text or note might work better than face to face, talking during an activity might open things up.

If we try to take an interest in their world and what is important to them, they may also feel more comfortable in coming forward to you. 

Why Really Listening to Your Child is so important

Its really important your child feels heard and knows that you as their parent will listen.  Most parents will say they listen to their children but do we really listen?  I think the biggest culprit is ‘distracted listening’. Listening to your child but being engaged on something else, usually your phone. Give your children attention.  Make them feel their feelings matter and you care.  Most parents do care and want to hear their children but often parents give the impression of being distracted.

Give Support to your Child not Judgement

As a parent is try to show empathy wherever possible and ask open-ended questions. Children are more likely to talk if you listen without judgement or criticism. A technique for this is to say ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ statements, taking the focus off them. Also encourage them to talk by praising their honesty. Use words that support and show your love, not criticism or minimising the problem.

It’s also important to stay calm if the conversation gets tough or touches on taboo subjects – it’s important they feel safe coming to you in the future.

You can  show your support by brainstorming and working on problem solving solutions together – as a team.

Be mindful that building a strong relationship with your child takes time and the relationship will be tested.  Being a parent means considering the long term relationship and not reacting or worse over reacting to the extent your child child not fears being able to tell you things.

How to spend quality time with your child and still be a parent. 

Quality time with your child is a given for a great relationship with your child.

It’s also a great way to encourage them to be open with you. By choosing activities they enjoy, they will be relaxed and more inclined to talk.

Find rituals that stick, a chat at bedtime or the school run and family dinners eaten together.

Personally I would take my son on a bike ride, or a hot chocolate as a treat on Fridays.

Experiment what works for you and your child don’t force it just find something you can enjoy with a treat ideally.  The hot chocolate is our father son thing, something we enjoy together and strengthens the bond between us.

If you do this regularly enough you can also check in, asking them how they are doing.

Start this good parenting habit early so it becomes their normal. Try to keep your promises to be there – but don’t expect that they will automatically open up to you. Be patient especially with teens. You build a strong parent child relationship but it will change and you will have to adapt your parenting style. Things change for teenagers and what was cool pre-teens may not be anymore, including you.  

Balance a child’s right to privacy with parental responsibility.

Another facet of keeping your parent child bond connected is to respect your child’s privacy. If they feel you are intruding they are less likely to be open with you or share problems in the future.

Balancing your child’s right to privacy and your role as a parent can be difficult at times.  If your child is at risk then you may reasonably decide their privacy is a secondary concern.

My advice would be if you can look into their life without them knowing then consider it.  Checking phones is a big one.  If you can check it without them knowing then this maybe a good solution.  You need to be prepared to defend and explain your right as a parent to delve into your child’s personal life though.

It maybe better to be up front and ask your child more personal questions but this may just shut them down and highlight your interest.  Its not ideal but sometimes being a parent involves being sneaky.

Ultimately your parental responsibility is to keep your children safe and free from harm.  The wishes of your child are out weighted by the right of you as a parent to them i think.  If you explain why you breached their privacy your child may not like it but hopefully they’ll understand why you did it as their parent, because you love and care for them.  Sometimes listening takes a back seat as a parent and you need more direct action to help and support your children.

Modelling good parent behaviour and sharing vulnerability 

Maybe in the past you have heard other parents say,”Do as I say, not as I do”. 

Hopefully this is just a way of saying that as parents we know we are not perfect.

This aside though, a very powerful way of encouraging your child to be open and share with you- is to do this yourself. Don’t be afraid to open up your life before you were a parent to your child. 

Whether during a period when they are beginning to open up to you, or just in general. They can only feel more comfortable to talk when you nurture an environment of openness and  trust. Sharing the times you went through similar problems, and how you personally overcome them. Builds trust and will bring you together.


For me personally – not hiding my own problems from my son- mental or physical brought another affect that I did not even expect. 

Being open, being honest, takes away the pressure of hiding it from your child. From pretending that everything is fine. This is a weight off your shoulders that nobody including parents needs to carry.

Sometimes what your child might say could even surprise you in how useful it is to your problem. Our children should not be our therapists, but they see the world in a much more open and simple way.

You may be surprised how helpful and understanding your children can be to your needs and see you as more than a parent who tells them what to do and a human who has their own frailties.

 

How guidance and not punishment can help you form a better relationship with your child



Focus on what you as a parent wanted to achieve with your child.

Creating a parent child safe space will bring benefits to both of you, and strengthen your relationship for a lifetime.

Although there are times when there will need to be punishment for your child, the occasions where they have shared something difficult might not be one of these times.

This doesn’t mean there can’t be consequences for your child, but by focusing on the guidance, and explaining how it’s different from punishment – the outcomes will hopefully be more positive and your child will still want to share with you in the future.

By removing fear and retribution, and by using problem solving and discussion then you can have healthier consequences and not just punishments without any subsequent change.

Being a parent means you have to think of the war and not just the battles but also battles aren’t really battles, they are opportunities to provide guidance to your child.

 

Conclusion



Building an open, sharing relationship with your child doesn’t happen overnight.

It needs a lot of patience and experimenting to find out what works.

But it is worthwhile. The bond of trust and dependability will build resilience, trust and a relationship that will last a lifetime. 

Even if you feel you don’t have this quite yet, it’s never too late to start.

Start small by introducing ritual quality time with your child with regular check-ins. Tell them you are always available for them, be patient and practice active listening.

Be open to sharing feelings and thoughts in both directions with your child to grow their  trust.

If you wish to discuss this further or get help with any other parenting issues. Feel free to contact me on CosyChats.

CosyChats.com hosts experienced parent who can provide Personalised Parent Support including interacting and communicating with schools.

CosyChats supports personalised parent support. CosyChats offers a parenting safe space free from judgement and shame where no question is too small and not issue to big.
Why Parents Should use the CosyChats parent support service.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support Sessions

🧷Safe Parent Support Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Parenting Problem Is Too Big and No Parenting Question Too Small

👩‍👦Parents Supporting Parents Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘Practical Parenting Support Created by UK Parents

🧑🏼‍🦱Parent Mentoring from Parents with Real Lived Parenting Knowledge & Experience

💻Online Parenting Support from the comfort of your own home.

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats parent support service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼A Personal Parenting Mentor for you

👍🏼Parent support via phone, Text or On-Line.

👍🏼Parent Support Groups for key development stages

👍🏼Flexible parenting support sessions.

👍🏼Online parenting support at a reasonable cost.

👍🏼Parent support sessions can be gifted to a parent who needs parental support.

👍🏼Parent to parent support group harness wide parenting experience.

👍🏼Parenting support services are booked in 10 minute slots.

👍🏼Parenting support from real parents who want to help.

Thank you for reading the blog  (how-to-create-a-strong-relationship-with-your-children). Understanding how creating a strong bond with your child is beneficial. Can change the way you think about parenting your child.

What Happens When WORK Disrupts Time With Your Kids?

Adoption, Kids, Teenagers, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
How to balance work and life?

Are you getting the work life balance right? We can Help. You know that feeling? You finally settle in for family dinner, the day’s grind mostly behind you. You lean in, ready to hear all about your child’s adventures, and just as they’re about to spill the beans on a truly epic story, your phone decides to make its presence known. Bzzzt! It’s an “urgent” work email, sitting there, glowing on the table. You glance at it – maybe you don’t even reply – but the moment? Poof. Gone. Your mind, just a second ago tuned into dinosaurs or playground drama, is suddenly back at the office, churning through deadlines and to-do lists. And here’s the kicker: your child can tell. They always can. If that scenario hits a little too close to home, please know this: you are absolutely, unequivocally not alone. That relentless, insistent pull of work isn’t just a nuisance; it’s one of the biggest, most insidious thieves of genuine family connection we face today. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to let it steal another precious moment. You can stop it.

 

The Real Cost of Lost Work Life Balance

It’s easy to dismiss these interruptions as just “one lost moment,” a minor blip. But let’s be real, it’s rarely just one. It’s the creeping, unsettling feeling that your family is consistently getting the leftovers of your attention, the scraps of your mental energy. Our kids are incredibly perceptive, aren’t they? They notice when your eyes dart towards that screen mid-sentence, even if it’s just a quick flick. They pick up on it when you offer a vague “uh-huh” but then can’t repeat a single word of the elaborate tale they just shared. These aren’t isolated incidents; they’re tiny, accumulating deposits into a memory bank. And the balance? It starts to look like “Mum was physically here, but her thoughts were a million miles away,” or “Dad’s body was at the table, but his brain was still stuck in that meeting.” Your work life balance is not balanced

 

That gnawing guilt you feel? That knot in your stomach when you realize you’ve missed something important because your mind was elsewhere? That’s not a sign that you’re a bad parent. Far from it. That guilt is actually your internal alarm system, your cue to change the system, not to beat yourself up. It’s telling you that something needs to shift. Because when our attention is constantly divided, it’s not just about missing a story; it’s about the subtle, yet profound, message we send about what truly holds our value. Over time, this can erode the very foundation of connection, leaving both parents and children feeling stressed and undervalued. The good news is, you don’t need to quit your job or move to a cabin in the woods to fix this. In the next few minutes, I’m going to share three dead-simple, actionable steps I use with hundreds of coaching clients to effectively shut down that “work-brain” and reclaim truly present family time.

 

The Shutdown Ritual

First up, let’s talk about creating a shutdown ritual. This isn’t some crazy concept; it’s rooted in solid neuroscience. Our brains, brilliant as they are, absolutely love cues and routines. Think about it: the same song before a workout, the same phrase before a big presentation – these signals tell your brain, “Okay, time to shift gears.” We need to harness that power to tell our prefrontal cortex, “Work day complete. Mission accomplished. Now, on to family mode.”

 

My own ritual is ridiculously simple, and it takes about ninety seconds. I close my laptop with a definitive thump. Then, I say out loud, “Office closed!” It sounds a bit silly, I know, but trust me, it works. Finally, I roll my shoulders back twice, taking a deep exhale through my mouth. When I do this, my seven-year-old knows – truly knows – that Dad is officially back on planet family. He’s home, present, and ready to engage. Your work life balance has begun

 

The beauty of a shutdown ritual is that it can be anything you want it to be. The key is consistency. Pick one specific action, one clear phrase, and one intentional breath. Then, commit to doing it every single day, without fail, even on weekends if you’re doing any work. Why? Because you’re paving a neural highway in your brain. The more consistently you use that cue, the stronger the connection becomes between that action and the mental shift to “off-duty” mode.

 

If you work from home, adding a physical boundary can be incredibly powerful. It’s not just about a mental shift; it’s about a literal transition. Maybe you take a quick walk to the postbox and back, or change out of your “work clothes” into something more casual. Some parents even put on a specific playlist, or just step outside for five minutes of fresh air. The goal here is to give your nervous system the same crystal-clear clarity that your calendar has when that last meeting ends at five o’clock. No ritual, no boundary; no boundary, no true presence. It really is that straightforward. This isn’t about being perfect; it’s about creating a consistent, undeniable signal for your brain and your family that work is done, and you are here.

 

The Tech-Free Zone

Research from the University of Michigan found that even the mere presence of a powered-off smartphone on the table can degrade the quality of a conversation. Think about that for a second. Not buzzing, not ringing, not even turned on – just being there is enough to make us less present, less engaged. Imagine the havoc an active buzz or a constant stream of notifications wreaks on genuine connection. It’s like having a third, very distracting, guest at your table.

 

Now, I know what you might be thinking: Technology free is hard and yes it is but its so worth it.  To have a real conversation, not a look at this video. To have a real work life balance you have to make sacrifices.

 

Tools like autoresponder apps or “Inbox Pause” can buy you grace, allowing you to temporarily halt incoming emails without appearing unresponsive. Your boss, frankly, wants solutions and results, not necessarily immediate availability at 6:17 p.m.

Many companies are catching on and setting work comms bans to encourage a better work life balance.  Whether this is lip service or a real commitment from the company is downto be discovered but if your company offers adhere to it.

The Presence Anchor

Third, and this one is a game-changer for those moments when your mind inevitably starts to drift back to spreadsheets, presentations, or that email you forgot to send: use a presence anchor. Let’s be honest, even with the best intentions, our brains are wired to problem-solve, to replay, to plan. So, the thought of work will sneak back in. The trick isn’t to prevent it entirely – that’s like trying to stop the tide – but to return quickly and smoothly.

 

My personal anchor is a small, blue Lego brick that lives in my pocket. Whenever I catch myself nodding absently while my daughter is talking, or staring blankly at my plate, I subtly squeeze that Lego brick. Then, I silently name five things I can see in the room. “Blue couch, dinosaur sticker on the wall, steam rising from the soup, freckles on my daughter’s nose, the flicker of the candle.” Five seconds, five senses, and boom – my brain is rebooted, pulled firmly back into the present moment.

 

You don’t need a Lego brick, of course. Anything tactile or sensory will do. Maybe it’s the rough seam on your jeans, the comforting warmth of your coffee mug, or the distinct smell of garlic bread baking in the oven. Psychologists call this “grounding,” a technique to bring you back to the here and now by engaging your senses. Kids, being the masters of play, often call it “the pause game,” and they’ll happily play along if you explain it. You can even make it a shared activity: “Okay, everyone, let’s play the five-senses game!”

 

The miracle here isn’t that you’ll never drift. We’re human, and our minds wander. The true miracle is that you’ll learn to return fast enough, so swiftly that your child doesn’t even register that you left. They won’t feel abandoned mid-story, or like their words are landing on deaf ears. Every time you drop an anchor, every time you consciously pull yourself back, you’re strengthening the muscle of presence. And let me tell you, presence? That’s the currency your kids value more than any amount of time. It’s the feeling of being truly seen, truly heard, and truly loved.

 

 Quick Troubleshooting

Alright, let’s tackle a couple of common objections that often pop up when we talk about setting these kinds of boundaries.

 

Objection one: “My job is 24/7; I literally can’t ignore calls.” I hear you. Some roles demand a level of responsiveness that feels impossible to escape. But even in those scenarios, there are strategies. First, utilize the VIP list feature on your phone. Most smartphones allow you to designate certain contacts whose calls or messages can break through “do not disturb” mode. So, only your manager’s number, or perhaps a critical client, gets through. Everything else? It waits. You can even tell your child, “Look, if this specific ringtone happens, it means it’s a real emergency, and I need thirty seconds to say, ‘I’ll call you back at eight.'” They learn that emergencies exist, yes, but they also learn that they are rare, and your default is them. This also aligns with delegating and sharing responsibilities. Can a colleague cover for a specific window? Have you explored any employer-provided flexible work arrangements that might allow you to adjust your schedule slightly?

Advocating for these small changes can make a huge difference. work life balance isn’t about shutting work off completely its about getting the balance right that works for both sides.

Objection two: “I feel incredibly guilty setting these boundaries. It feels selfish.” This is a big one, and it’s a mindset shift we absolutely need to make. Let’s flip the script entirely. Your kids are always watching you, always learning. They model what they see. When they observe you consistently protecting your family time, what message are you sending them? You’re teaching them invaluable lessons about self-respect, about prioritizing relationships, about managing their own stress, and about the importance of balance. You’re showing them how to set healthy boundaries for their future partners and their future kids. Boundaries aren’t selfish; they are, in fact, one of the first, most powerful lessons in self-respect and healthy relationships your child will ever get from you, live and in vibrant color. You’re not depriving them; you’re equipping them. You’re not being selfish; you’re being a powerful role model.

 

Small steps to better work life balance

This probably feels like a lot so just try it one and if it works commit to trying that one thing for three days straight. When you succeed for three days, you’ve built a little bit of momentum. That’s your cue to add the next step. Remember, momentum beats perfection every single time. This isn’t about being flawless from day one; it’s about consistent, incremental progress.

 

And if you blow it tomorrow? If the phone buzzes and you instinctively grab it, or you forget your ritual? That’s okay. Seriously, it’s part of the process. Don’t let that one misstep derail your entire effort. Just reboot at breakfast the next morning. Kids are incredibly forgiving, and they forget fast, especially when they can feel you genuinely trying. They don’t need you to be perfect; they just need you to be present, and to keep showing up and making the effort.

 

The ultimate goal here isn’t a Pinterest-perfect dinner with angelic children and gourmet food (like that’s ever going to happen anyway) . It’s far more profound than that. The goal is a child who, when asked about their parents, can say with absolute certainty and a warm smile, “When Mum’s here, she’s really here,” or “When Dad’s with me, he’s all there.” And they’ll mean every single word of it. That feeling, that connection, is worth every bit of effort.

 

Conclusion – CTA

Imagine this with me, two weeks from now. The phone buzzes on the counter, but it’s a distant sound, almost irrelevant. You’ve already done your shutdown ritual, signaling to your brain that work is officially off-duty. That device? It’s safely parked in its designated charging tray, out of sight and out of mind. Your eyes, your full attention, stay locked on your kid as they show you their art work, or recount the most important detail of their day. That genuine smile that spreads across your face? You can’t fake that kind of joy, and more importantly, they can’t un-feel that kind of pure, undivided connection. That’s the magic we’re aiming for.

 

I hope you achieve your work life balance. Yes Work pays the bills and put a roof over your head but its not your life.  Your family is the greatest and most important thing in your life.

Don’t be that parent who has an amazing career but hasn’t seen their children grow up.

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together.  How to balance work and family life to ensure both are focused and not neglected. How to leave your parenting guilt at the door and build a solid and happy relationship with your children.

Parents on Cosychats .



🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions



🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

 

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

 

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

 

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

 

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

 

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

 

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to connect with your children and spend quality time together.  How to leave your parenting guilt at the door and build a solid and happy relationship with your children.

A picture of a teenager considering are teenagers safe online

What to do When Your Child’s LIFE is Online Rather Than Real World?

Blog, Healthy, Kids, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are teenagers safe ‘living’ their lives on-line?

Are teenagers safe, a question every generation of parents has asked for different reasons but this generation faces a new threat.

My daughter exists in the real world. I see her and she interacts. She goes to school and eats occasionally but her life is on-line. On-line is where she feel most comfortable, has her friends and communities. Its where she plays and create friendships.

If we go away she’s communicating on her phone and doesn’t really interact with her new surroundings. She has everything  she needs on-line.

I think this is sad but she appears happy enough and I wonder if this the world has just moved on and i should accept it.
Are teenagers safer on-line than in the real world?

She’s a teenager and says she understands the dangers of being on line and can navigate technology better than i can. She often reminds me being in the real world has dangers. The world is a divided and sometimes cruel place.  She blocks people she doesn’t like in a way she can’t do in the real world.

Part of me agrees and is glad she isn’t hanging out in our local park/town but as a parent it feels like i’m playing catch up all the time and often i don’t understand her digital world and life.

Online safety and privacy are my top concerns, with cyberbullying, online predators, and data breaches seemingly lurking around every corner. Then there’s the impact of social media on her self-esteem, relationships, and mental health.

Can my child manage her on-line life safely?

My daughter doesn’t appear to suffer from low self esteem or have a shortage or friends, even though they are on-line.  She talks to people all over the world and it has opened up new horizons to her.  If i ask here where she wants to go on holiday shes says Japan as she has a friend there and likes the culture.   I think of young me and i had very little appreciation or knowledge of such a culture.  The world is much smaller now.

Opportunities Through The Digital World.

I know there are benefits to the digital world. It presents opportunities for children to connect with others, access educational resources, and develop essential skills. Online learning platforms, educational apps, and social media can provide valuable learning experiences. The new world is digital and she’s definitely embracing it.

How to set boundaries for an on-line life?

I struggle to keep up with the latest trends and technologies, making it difficult to set boundaries and ensure she’s using the internet responsibly. I wouldn’t really know what to do apart from setting a time limit but this is like saying you can’t play with your friends any more.

I’ve spoken to her about the risks Cyber-bullying, digital addiction, and online harassment and she was honest and open about the risks.  She’s suffered cyber bullying and harassment and used her on-line friends to judge whats acceptable and what isn’t. Her group act as support as well as moral police.

This worried and saddened me as i didn’t know and wasn’t involved.  My judgement wasn’t needed and what was acceptable was determined by friends.  May be they are a good group of friends but maybe their all just teenagers finding their way in life but this is learning isn’t it.  Did I seek the opinion of my parent when i was a teenager?  No I didn’t and lived / learnt by my mistakes. Are teenagers more safe on-line than in the real world because of this support group that exists?

 

Should i be worried my teenage daughters life is on-line?

I keep coming back to this question and wondering are teenagers safe on-line, in the real world or do threats exist in both.

Should I be worried her life is on-line.  She has friends and groups.  I hear her laughing and talking one line.  She’s been in relationships with people round the other side of the world.  she’s not over the park drinking, taking drugs or meeting boys.  These all seem positives as i’d rather she was in doors than out late at night.  That makes me appear a selfish parent but i can’t help it. i want to keep her safe.

There is the other side where she is on-line talking to bad actors, people who aren’t what they say they are. Don’t have my daughters bets interests at heart and want to exploit her in some way.  It feels like where only an on-line step away from something terrible in far worse  way than a few drinks over the park and a bad hangover.

How do I Stay Connected To My daughter and her on-line life?
Don’t Dismiss On-Line as not real or relative.

My daughters on-line life is very real and important to her.  I’ve learnt and understand this.  To her its a real community of people that just communicate and exist on line.  To say its not real or not as good as real life connections isn’t relative to her and just demonstrates a lack of understanding.  I respect her life and her on-life life and friends.

However much she is on-line she has a real world life as well.

We encourage balance between on-line and real life.  An appreciation that she has a real world life as well.  We need to connect and communicate.  We eat together, have movie nights and do something as a family at least once a week.  Bowling, ice skating, something that cannot be done on-line just to anchor her back in the real world.

Time limits.

This is a difficult one as her friends are online.  She plays online and this makes her happy.  She’s at an age where she isn’t going to spend much time with us anyway so were quite relaxed about time on line.  We’ve tried daily limits and they caused heartache.  We’ve tried a free for all in the hope she would be bored.  Which didn’t really work although she did lose interest eventually.

We set reasonable limits.  That we want to to be reasonable about how much time she spends on line and time she spends off line.  If she can keep the balance we let her go on line.  I know there are all sorts of reasons why we should have strict limits but for us they don’t work.

Real World Activities that will engage her.

We try to promote real world activities.  If she wants MacDonalds we don’t just order it and bring it to her we all go out as a family and eat in.  We create real world experiences.

We ask what she wants to do and within reason try to do them.  We take ourselves out of our comfort zone as she’s coming out of hers.

Go where the Wifi is rubbish.

One i don’t admit to but if i’m booking a holiday and the site / hotel has poor wifi it doesn’t overly worry me.  We’ve been on holidays where she’s moaned about the wifi and come out with us in frustratiuon.  Either way it works for me and we spend more time together.

Am I Giving In To My Child?

I know it can be seen as giving in by some people and they’d say we should be firmer but they’re not our family.  It works for us and we’ve found a balance of sorts. Its not perfect but it works most of the time.  We do limit on-line time if we think its getting too much and is having a negative affect on our daughter.  that can be traumatic and we get plenty of tears and banging doors, which we don’t want.   I’ve got beyond thinking its only on-line to realising its her world.

Every family needs to find what works for them on-line v real world.

The point of this blog is to share our experience and say i’m sure you’re not alone.  we have friends with children that are the same. Children that go abroad and spend their time on phones missing technology.  As adults we think its sad but its their world.

Would we rather she was out, not telling us where she was and coming home late?

The answer to that is no.  I’d rather she was on-line with her friends whoever they may be. The question of are teenagers safe has never been more nuanced.  Never been more complicated.  The world world appears dangerous.  The on line world has hidden evils and dangers.  The point is whatever world your in, understanding and knowing the risks and protecting yourself is key but to achieve that you have to make a few mistakes, which has always been a frightening thing for a parent to accept.

 

Thank you for reading our blog and considering are teenagers safe in our modern, real and on-line world.

The Real and On-Line World are difficult to navigate but there is help available.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues. Including supporting and understanding your child as their worlds go increasingly on line. How you can encourage them to see the benefits of real world relationships and interactions. How an on line and real friendship group can exist together. How maintaining and a strong and open relationship with your child is key to allow communication and that your child can come to you with any question or problem. On-line can be a scary place but so can real world and children need the support and guidance of parents.


For parents of Teenagers click here.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions
🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame



👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small



👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding



🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be



🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience



💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control



Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

 

A mother wondering why parenting feels lonely

The Loneliness of Being a Parent That Nobody Tells You About

Adoption, Blog, Kids, New Parents, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Parenting Isolation Is Real

Even When You’re Never Alone

Why does parenting feel lonely and isolating?  “Parenting can be the loneliest job in the world—surrounded by little voices all day, yet craving to be truly seen, heard, and understood.”

 

Isolation happens and everybody feels lonely at times but usually, we know how to fix it.

If somebody tells us they feel alone, the advice is often quite easy to give.

Spend some more time with your friends, family, or even work colleagues.

 

And, even if this is impractical, there are still ways you can feel less alone, like Social Media? or other online spaces.

 

Parenting is full of surprises and misconceptions that catch even the most prepared off guard.  Maybe you expected to enjoy every moment of the parenting experience, or that your kids will always react in the ways you expect.

For me the biggest surprise of parenting was the loneliness and isolation that accompanied it being a parent.

 

“It was during the long bus journeys on school runs, especially on the way back home or returning to fetch him at the end of each day”.

 

“It was in the hours I spent alone while he was at school. Too short a duration to do much but long enough to feel isolation”.

 

“It was in all the moments when I was with my wife but understandably my son needed most of her attention”.

 

“It was every time people asked how my son was but nobody ever asked how my wife or I were feeling”.

 

“And in the earliest parts of raising him, it was the small hours of the morning spent alone feeding and soothing him”.

 

Parenting is a paradox of noise and silence, love and isolation.

Or course, it’s hard to discuss these feelings without feeling guilty. How can you have this loneliness paradox when you love them so much and are blessed to have children and family?

 

But maybe this is also part of the reason why you do feel this way. 

So how did we end up here, and is there anything you can do?

 

Why Parenting Can Feel Lonely

 

The key to understanding why you feel this way is to know that loneliness is way more complicated than just being alone.

 

In reality, it’s a lot more complicated than this and touches on feelings of being seen, fostering strong connections with like-minded people while having the time and energy to spend enough quality time with people. Children can’t really validate or empathize the way adults can.

 

Long days spent caring for chatty children can feel like too much company. But is it the same as the connection of a date night, a few hours in the pub, your hobbies, or chatting to your good friend at work? You may be talking to your children, are they meeting your individual social needs that came with your personality?

 

There’s then the danger you end up only having conversations about the kids, logistics, routines, and the things that require doing. You never talk about anything deeper.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your family, or that you don’t enjoy spending time with them, but as adults we will have many and varied needs.

 

If parenting falls mostly on one parent – because of work, the way roles are traditionally split, or you are a single parent raising a child then the sense of isolation may be much worse. The loss of identity may be deeper, especially if the workload feels unfair.

 

As parents, we will try to seek a balance and still see our adult friends and acquaintances.

I did so myself, but the younger your offspring, and the more of your friends that start their own families, the more it feels like snatched moments and stolen freedoms.

 

That is, if with your friend’s commitments you have the same free-time and the money or energy to use it. Often you will feel guilty leaving your children, or your partner, to babysit alone.

 

Modern lifestyles frequently lead to families and friends living greater distances apart, making time spent together as adults, or the warm support of family, is inevitably rarer.

Speaking from my own experiences, as my time as a parent progressed, my identity changed.

 

In fact, as soon as I held my son for the first time, a switch flipped in my head,

and I knew things would never be the same again.

 

The old me, that loved a rock band, a long bike ride or a few beers in the pub, faded into the background.

 

It wasn’t just that I was distracted, worrying my son was OK at home. It just didn’t feel the same any more. It was fun for an hour or so, but soon I wanted to get back to my young family.


 

Eventually, though, you are actually neglecting your individuality, and in the worst cases you are hiding your loneliness by deliberately keeping busy with family.

 

Nobody asks parents how they are, only about the children. This only deepens the sense of isolation.

 

Now my son is older and more independent, I find that I have time to look again at my own needs and work out what to do with any new-found free time.

It’s a chance to reconnect with my own peer group, and re-find my own identity in a way you can’t achieve with a young child.

 

Finally, when parents contrast themselves with other parents both online and off, admitting you are lonely is to admit that you are struggling. You had expectations of how it would feel as a parent, how can you admit you are falling short of this?

 

Society tells parents to be always grateful and never put their hands up to say they are not doing as well as you might think.

 

In the perfectly presented social media world, you feel you should compete with the other parents that make it look just so effortless. How could you possibly admit you are lonely now?

Especially when inevitably you feel guilty about feeling this way.

 

From feeling isolation to a sense of community 

 

Realising that you might be lonely because you are a parent is one thing, improving this is another thing entirely. This is especially true when you need to also work around the limitations that come along with parenting.

 

This meant for me, that after four hours a day on buses taking my son to and from school, caring for him and getting him to sleep, I had limited opportunities to try and prevent feeling lonely,

 

With a bit of creative thinking, teamwork, flexibility and some help from technology it’s possible to lessen the sting of feeling lonely. 

 

It’s often said that it takes a village to raise a child. I heard this advice more than once when I became a dad!

 

 

Strength in Family 

 

Having a team behind you can benefit more than just your children.

With willing friends and family behind, maybe there’s now an option for a date night, or for one parent to have some ‘me time’.

 

This can be win-win more than most parents realise as it gives relatives treasured time with their young relative, and gives you the chance to refresh and reset and to come back as a better parent. 

 

Having some time to yourself is definitely not something to feel guilty or ashamed about as its an important chance to rest and recover,

 

Reconnecting with yourself physically and emotionally is a great way to be the best parent you can be. 

 

Even if you can’t meet up with friends as much because of the challenges of working and parenting, often there is a chance at the end of the day to spend some time with that special someone.

 

If you share your life with a significant other, put some time aside to  reconnect, discuss how your day went and plan to talk about something other than parenthood, however briefly this might be.

 

It’s understandably easy to get into a routine and forget to do this, but it can be a powerful way to not feel quite as lonely.

 

This probably sounds somewhere between ironic and sarcastic considering the topic of this blog, but your own child can be a great remedy too!

 

It becomes more true as they grow older, but if you try to forget for a brief moment that they feel like a weighty responsibility; and that they are an individual thinking and feeling person (just a smaller one) then you have a source of constant conversations.

 

Young children can be good company as they are often very funny and have refreshingly honest viewpoints.

 

Often, on school runs or after scouts night I took my son to the coffee shop and just chatted with him about shared interests – as a young person, not just as my child.  

 

Micro connections

 

If, as parents, we are short of time, money and energy to combat loneliness then we can choose to  accept this and embrace the opportunities that we do have.

 

Although technology is blamed for a lot of modern harms, especially for children; it can be very useful socially.

 

Even if it’s late at night, or you are rushing during a school run, a mobile phone means you can still text friends and acquaintances. Most people always have their phone with them.

Aside from this you could interact on social media, have a quick gaming session with a friend or listen to podcasts that reconnect you to the wider world.

 

Briefly socialising doesn’t have to be just digital or virtual as we can also hopefully grab moments in different ways. They might just have to be adapted to your new  lifestyle as a parent.

 

This can mean socialising locally to where you live much more often and hanging out with people that are also in that same parenting boat.

 

I personally found myself spending more time with friends living locally to me, or having a coffee with groups of parents during the  school run.

 

Solutions not shame 

 

Whatever works for you, especially while you are working on parental loneliness, it is vital to not feel ashamed.

Feeling embarrassed or isolated can only hinder you from connecting with the wider adult world and realising just how many parents feel this way. When I ignored any stigma and spoke to other parents about how I felt, it felt like a weight lifted and we were able to find solutions together. Being open about isolation and feeling that no one understands your situation is more common than I thought

 

Feeling lonely does not mean that you do not love your children, it just means you have other needs as a parent.

 

Embracing these feelings also stops resentment from building, which is toxic for you and your whole family.

 

Hobbies

 

Remembering who you are, even for a few snatched moments, is a great way to tackle loneliness. Oddly even doing something alone can have a  positive effect on loneliness because it can also be about reclaiming your identity and having space to feel like you.

Furthermore, hobbies have the potential to grow friendship circles based on mutual interests.

 


Summing up

 

The reason I think I found some aspects of parenting to be challenging and why many parents have harder periods is because it is all such a big surprise.

Perhaps the most repeated parental cliche is that there is no manual for being a parent and while this is true is doesn’t mean you can’t seek the expereince and knowledge of other parents who have walked in your shoes. This was the very reason we set up CosyChats to be a resource for people to share a feeling or emotion with someone who understands and says i know what its like when no one in your family understands or is really listening. To find support that does understand your situation and what you and your family need.


Feeling’s of loneliness and isolation were a huge surprise because we did not expect it. 

 

Like me, you probably saw families as the way people nurture the strongest sense of belonging.

 

A belonging that can last a lifetime.


But we did not realise that a family is different to the company you get from relationships like friendships with peers.

 

Parenthood is a responsibility and, mostly, young children can’t give the same feelings or empathy, and nor should they. 

 

The stress and upheaval of parenthood can take away your identity and make you start to chase being busy to not feel lonely – and end up trapped in a rut.

 

My parental loneliness came mostly in my son’s intense early years, and this is when it can be hardest to deal with.

 

Fortunately I had family to help give my wife and I small breaks, and  I found local friends. Because I have always loved technology I learned to find ways to communicate with people in other ways, and to enjoy my hobbies in smaller doses. Finding like minded people helped my feelings of isolation.



 

The key is to realise that, like many things in parenting, challenges come in different quickly passing chapters, and that you are not alone in sometimes feeling alone. There are like minded and supportive people and parents out there. Isolation is a common feeling among st parents.

 

If you want to talk about this or any other parenting issues, please feel free to contact me on CosyChats. My name is Andrew and I’m a father from Leicester-shire in the UK.  

What is CosyChats?

👍🏼🚨CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children.

As parents we understand how lonely and isolating being a parent can be even when your surrounded by friends and family, as they don’t understand or appreciate your situation. Many adopters for instance find this where there isn’t a history of adoption in family or friends or where people close to you don’t understand or appreciate ADHD for example. Isolation can happen when your surrounded by people just as much as when your not.

Whatever you feel we’re here to listen and if you want, share our experience and knowledge.

👍🏼Cosychats – Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small
Cosy Chats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.

Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience



💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding


Please browse our parents to find a parent that is right for you. Book a support session and share the experience and knowledge or another parent. Thank you for reading our blog on isolation and loneliness in parenting.


 

A picky eater refusing to eat food

Reducing Mealtime Stress for My 4-Year-Old and ME!

Blog, Healthy, Kids, New Parents, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Your child a picky eater? Mine was and still is but read what took away the stress and guilt for us as parents and helped my daughter eat more.

How I Turned Mealtimes from Stressful to Blissful

As I scraped yet another full dinner into the bin I felt a familiar wave of despair. I had spent an hour with my four year old trying to get her to eat. I know she likes spaghetti bolognese so she should have eaten it today. Why won’t she just eat?

Doing All I Can With a Picky Eater

I spent so much time and effort that night. I tried everything I could think of to just get my little girl to eat. I talked to her about keeping our bodies healthy by eating our dinner. I told her good food helps us to grow up big and strong. I even said she could have a cupcake if she ate it all up! Nothing. I ended up letting her have the cupcake anyway just so she had something in her tummy and decided the next night I’d make her nuggets and chips again.

Was I Doing the Right Thing?

A week later I had coffee with a friend, Sophie. We hadn’t seen each other in ages so had lots to catch up on. Eventually we got chatting about our kids. Of course, the topic of eating issues came up and I told her how bad my daughter’s eating had become. What she said next changed. Our. Lives.

Sophie said she had spoken with her health visitor when her son was younger and had similar fussy eating problems. The first question the health visitor had asked was “What does he eat throughout the day? Sophie had found it so powerful it was the first thing she thought of when talking with me.

Next, she told me the rest of the health visitor’s advice. She had said that now Sophie was reassured that her son was getting enough food during the day, it was time to take all emotion out of mealtimes.

How much of a problem is being a fussy eater really?

I thought about what my daughter eats throughout the day. She tends to snack a lot so I said she eats lots of toast, yoghurts, fruit, the occasional biscuit, cheese, breadsticks, carrots and cucumber with hummus – things like that.

Then, the penny dropped. All of a sudden it dawned on me that although she had a limited variety she eats a few things from each food group, and actually when you add it all up it’s enough that she won’t starve.

How to Change mealtimes to reduce the pressure of eating for your children

That was when I decided to take action.

No talking about food, no cajoling or pressuring my child to eat, no bribing with dessert. Just all the family sitting at the table together, chatting and making sure the atmosphere was light. I felt confident that our struggles were over.

Until dinner time. My little girl sat down and looked at her dinner with disgust. “I’m not eating THAT.” she said defiantly. I started to engage with her and tell her it’s one of her favourites and asked her to just try one bite. Then, cringing, I remembered what Sophie had said to me that morning.

So I looked at my daughter and said “Okay. If you’re not hungry you don’t have to eat anything.” And she ate precisely nothing.

It takes patience and calm heads to help a picky eater

I tried to feel okay with her refusing dinner again but honestly, it was harder than I thought it would be. I had to keep reminding myself that focusing on food was making her feel pressure to eat so I had to stop.

That night, my partner and I had a long chat. We were going to do things differently from now on. There were lots of tears and reassurance.  We’d tried something and it wasn’t working.

Although we hadn’t done the best we could until now, it wasn’t too late! We spent our evening together talking about how the problems had become so bad and building our plan.

Taking the pressure off food and mealtimes

The following day we had a chat with our daughter. We told her we would all be sitting together at dinner time from now on. We talked about listening to our bodies telling us when we’re hungry and full. That was it, no talking about needing to eat healthy foods to grow, nothing about eating all our dinner. Just listening to our bodies. We had this conversation with her late morning so we weren’t talking about it too close to dinner time.

We’d decided eating was more important than healthy eating. We’d taken away the pressure and guilt of our daughter not eating healthily.

What Happened Next

I wish I could say that it was all smooth sailing from there. Change did happen but it was gradual. I had expected a lot more and found it tough that progress was so slow. I had to remind myself that a win is a win, however small.

The first couple of weeks she sat at the table but kept getting up to walk around the room. We just quietly called her back and engaged her in conversation. A win is a win. Still she ate nothing. Soon she understood that dinnertime meant sitting at the table. Eventually, one day I will never forget, she took a bite of a roast potato. My partner and I looked at each other and it was so hard not to say anything (or cheer!) but we managed it. That felt like a massive win!

From then on, my little one started to feel safe to try a few bites of her dinner here and there. Never a huge amount and not every day. She only cleared her plate when it was nuggets and chips. But that’s okay, she was still growing and healthy, running around and playing with her friends.

Dealing with my feelings of guilt having a picky eater daughter

I had to deal with my guilt and feeling like I had caused the problem. I had created such a stressful atmosphere around food. My daughter had felt so much pressure to eat she couldn’t bring herself to bring food to her mouth. It took me a long time to let go of this guilt. I should have been kinder to myself, I was doing my best in a situation where I felt completely out of my depth and had no guidance. I made a conscious effort to forgive myself as we moved forward into our new routine. As I noticed small changes I forgave myself more and more until I became proud of the stress-free, less wasteful dinnertimes I had created.

(Don’t be too hard on yourself as a parent )

At this point i have to say being a parent isn’t easy. Some things you do work some things don’t work as well.  Don’t be too hard on yourself your children don’t come with a manual. 

Where are We Now?

My “little girl” is eleven now. She has two younger brothers and dinnertimes are a lovely way for the family to reconnect after work, school and nursery. Her eating is better, I’d still say she’s still a picky eater but she eats plenty from her plate every night, as do her brothers. It was a long road but I’m so glad we made the changes we did. Everything seems lighter around food. If you’d asked me back then whether I thought I’d ever enjoy sharing a meal with my children I’d have laughed at you but here we are.

Things still aren’t perfect though, nuggets and chips are still the only meal everyone will eat!

Thank you for reading my blog Dealing with a PICKY EATER in Your Family?.  My name is Hazel and i’m one of the experienced and knowledgeable parents available on Cosychats 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.
Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding


🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

A parent protesting about not being listened to about school support

Are Schools IGNORING Parents’ Concerns?

Kids, School, Teenagers, Uncategorized, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When it comes to school support are schools ignoring parents concerns?

In our experience its and overwhelming yes and its bl__dy frustrating!!!

This is our experience, your school and experience may be different (we hope it is).  The schools we interacted with where both outstanding rated.

I’m Not Being Listened To By My Child’s School.

Let set down exactly what we mean.  Our children were displaying different behaviours at school to home.  Nothing unusual or concerning about that you say?  Well there is.

Girls especially are good at masking.

Getting to school was a nightmare.  Lots of tears, push back and emotion.  The morning routine became a horrible chore of distress and anxiety. This was a horrible and draining way to start the day.  We dreaded mornings but every day we got them up and at least one would have a melt down.  That the way it was.

Screaming Stops at the school gates.

The school didn’t see this as when we got near the school gates the children would ‘calm’ and turn into robots.  it was so sad to see.   At school they were outwardly model students and  quietly just got on with it.  In  reality they were just masking.  Turning into statues so no one would notice them but all the time rage was building up.

The Angry Child Erupts The Moment they walk through the door from school.

Once their back from school the anger comes out and it was unleashed on mum.  This is a horrible and very hurtful thing to endure even if you understand they only do this because the feel safe enough to do it.

The lack of joined up approach from school.

We spoke to our children and they spoke of the pressure of school.  Learning was too difficult.  School too noisy and chaotic. When you say things like this to schools it can get their backs up straight away and they go on the defensive citing all manner of things.

School Support  – Reality 

The children have never come to us and said this – they won’t their far to scared to do that.

They look fine at school – their just masking fear and anxiety 

We don’t see any of that behaviour – see above

We can’t do anything if we don’t see the behaviour – I feel like you don’t believe me.

Our hands are tied – Are they really? 

What Does It Feel Like when Schools Don’t Accept Your Comments or Worse Effectively Ignore You.

You sit in a meeting and share your feedback on what your child is like at home. What the morning school run and after school child is like.  The extremes of behaviour, anxiety and sadness.  The angry or deflated robot child.

You share this to tell the school what is happening.  Inform them of the behaviour with the expectation this will make a difference and they will take notice and make allowances for your child at school but they don’t.  The head of year or whoever it is looks at you and say something like ‘that’s surprising as we don’t see that behaviour at school’.

Why don’t schools believe parents?

We’ve sat in meeting where they’ve asked whats going on at home.  Is there something else happening that would explaining the behaviour.

To an outsider this might sound reasonable as they don’t see the behaviour in school but its not.  As a parent you don’t feel believed.  that you don’t know your own children and this is incredibly annoying and frustrating.

School support can impact home life and schools don’t ways recognise this.

Schools don’t want to accept or create issues they don’t see.

Schools can be reluctant to hear you. They don’t want to create issues that don’t exist for them.  What happens at school is different to home.  They say the right things about being joined up with parents but it doesn’t work in practice.

This just makes your blood boil and its easy to get annoyed and emotional.  Its too much.  You can see the bahaviour at home and that the school need to make allowances but the message isn’t getting through.

That horrible moment when you know nothing is going to change and school support isn’t forthcoming.

At That moment you can feel the floor opening up and you falling in. If school doesn’t believe you nothing will change.  You and you child will continue the cycle of pain and emotion.

Its so bl__dy frustrating and draining. Being a parent is hard enough without having to fight schools to get the help and support your child needs and would Benefit from.

Is OFSTED To Blame as Schools Hide behind their OFSTED rating.

One strange thing was the school repeating back their OFSTED rating to us.  You know we are an Outstanding school.  Like this solves your child’s problem.  It doesn’t and schools are quick to point this out. Their right and your wrong.

The schools (both Outstanding Rated) put a lot of faith in the outstanding rating and yes its good but it doesn’t mean the school is always right.  It doesn’t mean the school knows everything. It doesn’t mean they know and understand your child.

In our experience outstanding can be running a tight ship to keep the outstanding but it can also be not wanting anything to put that rating at risk.  Not wanting to accept faults in the school or the system. How can there be as we got an outstanding rating?

Primary schools don’t want to tackle problems and cite age.  They’re too young or they’ll grow out of it.  Kicking the can down the road to secondary schools.

This is our understanding and perception.

Keep Your Cool

In our experience the worst thing you can do is lose your cool.  Its very hard not to when your not being heard but losing your cool doesn’t help. In fact it just reinforces the idea that there must be more going on here and  weakens your argument.  You feel your access to school support slip away even more.

You become (or feel) labelled as a disruptive parent.

What to do when schools don’t listen.

Don’t give up.  Share videos of home behaviour.  Get professional assessments (Difficult we know) as evidence counts.  Schools listen more to professionals.  Schools should support you and recognise the home behaviour for what it is.  Not bad behaviour but a child being overwhelmed. Schools can give brain breaks and allocate hall passes to allow movement during quieter times.  These simple things helped our children but they took alot.

Don’t ever feel you are an inconvenience. Put your child’s view across and make it the schools problem as well. Not in an unreasonable way but in a way that presents the problem and what you want as a solution.

Schools understandably don’t like being flexible but one size doesn’t fit every child.

Do Schools need to see the behaviour to allocate School Support?

If our experience yes.  Schools don’t listen to parents where they behaviour isn’t being repeated at school.  We took videos and audio and shared that with the school but while they acknowledge the behaviour at home this doesn’t mean school support is forthcoming but the videos did help soften their approach.

Finding the right person.

Like many things in life finding the right person really helps.  The person who gets it and understands the problem.  We did this by having meetings with the school. Explaining the situation, our frustration and showing them videos of our children having melt downs and anger out bursts.

Get professionals to agree with you.  Get an EHCP if you can.

Schools can listen more to professionals or its more difficult for them to ignore you when a professional agrees with you.  Our experience is the latter. Get an EHCP is you can.  Yes it can be difficult but it puts a clear requirement on the school and if that school can’t meet the ECHP requirement you can seek alternatives.

An ECHP should give you eligibility to more school support.

Keep notes.  Send Emails

Put your lawyers hat on.  Make a record of events at home to find a connection with school.  Changing for PE was a trigger for our child.  Note interactions with school and the local authority.  note when you raised concerns and if its verbally send an email confirming the conversation / concern.  Its more difficult for the school to deny responsibility when you have an audit trail.  This sounds difficult but its all possible and its so worth it if your school says they didn’t know and you can produce evidence of them being told and concerns raised especially if your specific.

If Schools Listened and were more flexible.

It seems a better solution for schools to listen to parents more.  We understand our children and have an idea what they need and what things trigger them.  We understand schools are challenging and they provide the building blocks of life but sometimes small changes and provisions can make a big difference.

Using a laptop instead of a pen/pencil.

Having Brain Breaks.

Having a hall pass to move at quieter times.

Doing a reduced timetable when it get too much.

Getting help is vital!!!.

For us the key was getting help.  Getting people who understand what we were saying and most notably understood how schools can behave.  How they can shut themselves off to parents input.

We got support, help and direction.  We collected evidence and times.  We presented it in meetings.  We kept raising the issues.  We feedback quickly and feedback from our children.  We made it difficult for them to ignore our concerns. Difficult not to give us school support.

Its very demoralising sitting in a school meeting and not being heard when you know your right.  Sometimes just having someone say they understand and your right is enough to relight that fire in you and go back to the school.

Please Don’t Give UP

We know its hard.  We know its emotional and draining but if your in that same situation or similar of not being believed.  Not being  understood.  Don’t give up.  Your children will suffer and life is too short to be unhappy.

CosyChats was set up to share the experience and knowledge of parents.  To make life easier for parents.    There are many parents on Cosy Chats who have been through  the hardship of dealing with Schools CAMHS.

Please get the help and school support you need.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.

How to deal with schools and be heard by schools.  There are parents on CosyChats who have been through this and can share their experience and knowledge to help you.

Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

Home or Alternative Schooling

We did spend a lot of time in meetings and there were people in the school who eventually were being accommodating and more flexible but sometimes you have to realise mainstream school isn’t right for your child.

For us a smaller more flexible school was more suitable.

The is a big decision as mainstream schools offer so much more that smaller schools but school support is easier in a smaller setting.  Yes they’re overwhelming but sometimes its best to stick it out.  Strange to say that given everything we’ve said above but its true a smaller more flexible school might be easier for your child but its not going to be as challenging (academically) or as rich a social experience.  Stating the obvious they are for children with anxiety and social limitations.  This may not be the right environment for your child.  In our experience it wasn’t a perfect solution.

Home Schooling

For some children this works  but again we don’t think its the perfect solution.  Hours are less. Social interaction less and you are reliant on the tutor forming a nurturing relationship with your child.

 

Our Story

We ended up with a three school solution’s smaller school, home schooling and more nurturing provision within secondary school.  This took a lot of meetings and discussion. The secondary school was more flexible and with our third child reacted quickly to our concerns.

There are teachers who dismissed our concerns early on and cause untold additional work and heartache and teachers who where so determined to help us and our children they went above and beyond and to them and the school support they instigated we are forever grateful.  We hope our experience helps parents but also helps schools understand and be more open and accepting of parents input.

Schools lead to college and adult life.  The problems don’t disappear they just change.

We are an adopted family from Essex.  To preserve our children’s privacy and life we do not share any personal details.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.

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A dad forcing his child to follow his dreams

ARE You FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Instead of Theirs?

Kids, Teenagers, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Follow your dreams and be happy.  We all want this for our child don’t we? Sometimes our own dreams and expectations are put in front of our child’s dreams and this can be damaging.

That first goal scored, that first time they drive away in their own car.


The first time they bring their first love home with them


The wedding day, or the day they graduate university

When we find out we are going to be parents, often we are carried away with excitement.


Images of what they will become flash though our minds


We are overwhelmed by imagining them riding a bike, winning a football game, buying you the first legal drink or them getting married.

Of course, we want the best for our children but when do our ambitions for them become about us, and not them?

When do they do more harm than good?

If you want to discover the sort of ambitions parents have for their children, and when this becomes harmful, then this blog was written for you.

When ambitions for your children can be helpful.

Some of the things we want for our children as parents are perfectly good investments in their futures. There are things that mainly only have positive outcomes.


Things like getting into the best school, healthy habits like eating the right foods and getting enough sleep. We want them to have healthy relationships and plenty of friends.


Basically, we want to give them the best foundations to be happy and live a fulfilling life.


Maybe this is seeing them learn to drive, be in a school production or watching them develop a kind, caring personality. We tell them ‘follow your dreams’.

As parents this is what we’re supposed to do, guide them to success?

But what happens when this drive becomes too much for the child, should we as parents ignore this cause we know best?

The other kinds of ambition. Don’t follow your dreams, follow mine.

The dreams we have for our children become dangerous
when they become more about us than them.

We do it for many reasons, but usually it is with the best intentions.

Sometimes it is us projecting our dreams onto our children, sporting, academic or jobs.

Maybe we want them to make choices that are less risky, but still make them unhappy.

Often we steer them towards the things that worked well for us in life, such as career choice.


When we find out they have a particular talent, it can be tempting to nurture it, even when they don’t enjoy it.

Or the desire for a larger continuing family motivates your subtle, or less subtle, hints for them to make you grandparents someday.

In my family, we are the sort of people that like a book and a good quiz, so we have to be careful not to expect our son to be the same.

Although he is good academically he does not enjoy it, he prefers computer games to books and prefers being out with friends to a board game.

If he wants to study beyond 18 then it has to come from him. If you don’t enjoy traditional academia, then forcing it will soon make it unpleasant for him and hard to sustain and still do well.


This all sounds reasonable but will he grow older and question why we didn’t push him more?

Why projecting your version of success in life can be damaging.

When you think about what happens to children when they have ambitions pushed upon them, it’s probably easy to think of the initial general negative side effects.

Of course, it starts with the tension and arguments when you first start to make it happen. Then maybe the ultimate cliché of an unhappy son working a lifetime in medicine or law when they wanted to be a journalist or actor! Maybe one day they’ll be thankful for the financial security or maybe they’ll hate the job and lead an unfulfilled life. Follow your dreams, ringing in their ears.

A house full of tension and resentment.

The less obvious side effect may be the underlying tension and arguments created in your household, which may in turn damage other family members well-being and put a strain on relationships and trust


.
It’s possible your children feel they just have to please you, and consequently be afraid to share how they really feel.

Is this really what you want? Are you really doing the best for your children? It’s easy to feel you are and when the child grows these feelings will disappear but they could be bitter and resent you for years.

Should we choose our child’s career path?

When we choose our children’s path for them, then aside from losing the option to decide, they may also never learn how to. They may never learn what they really want by investigating and making their own mistakes.

Also, they may not even learn the skills or get the confidence to weigh up choices and pick directions when standing at life’s many crossroads.

With your steering the ship for them, later in life they may have less motivation to pursue their own future goals.

If they do find success on the path you decided, it will not bring them the satisfaction of victory.

It can only feel empty as your goal. Follow your dreams long forgotten.

And maybe this is the main point, you will rob them of the chance to find their own path.

Possibly, you may also lose opportunities to explore new avenues for yourself when you witness their exploration.

When a child is locked into your ambition, they may never uncover strengths or skills in areas you never considered.

Summary

As parents, we strive to protect our children, to give them a better life than our own.

But just as we must watch them fall as they learn to walk, we must also learn to let them steer their own ship.

Our role is to guide and support. To provide stability and help if things don’t quite go to plan.

“The most beautiful butterflies are the opens that emerge from the chrysalis by themselves”

I’m sure there are parents though who feel they know best. That drawing on their wisdom and life experience they know more than the child. They are guiding the child to success.

These parents feel they are doing the best they can for their child. Not allowing them to waste their time on dreams that probably won’t come true.

The Compromise

Is there a compromise here? Can you support your child in what they want to do and guide them at the same time. I think so. Be supportive but not overpowering.

Talk To Your Child

For me the biggest thing is to talk to your child. Let them express their feelings and dreams. Be open and listen to what they want. Don’t force your dreams or version of success.

Life is too Short To Be Unhappy.

My Name is Drew and I’m a parent in the UK. Bringing up children isn’t easy and there are lots of decisions to be made but you don’t have to make all of them.

CosyChats is a Parenting Collective full of wonderful parents who have a vast experience of bringing up a family and how hard that can be. I’m on Cosy Chats and you can book some time with me to discuss any aspect of parenting. Browse the other parents and find the best one for you.

 

Thank you for reading [ ARE You FORCING Your Child to Follow YOUR Dreams Instead of Theirs?]

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including how to bring up happy and well round children. how to allow children to follow their dreams and be happy.
Introducing CosyChats

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent SupportSessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.

👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.



👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

a picture of a family wondering Is Having KIDS a GOOD Idea?

Should We Have Children

Blog, New Parents, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Having Kids is not a given but are the sacrifices worth it?

There are so many reasons NOT to have children that sometimes it feels overwhelming and frightening thinking about having kids. Lets be clear having kids is both of those things and many more but for us the joys far out weight the fears and negatives.

Before we start I don’t want you to read this blog and think I’ve persuaded you to have kids. YOU must want children.

This blog is for people who want children but are faced with so may fears and negatives they retreat back in fear from the decision.

Acknowledging the Doubts

We’re often told that to choose children, you have to be ready to sacrifice it all: your freedom, lifestyle, finances,  your body, your career, your sleep, your very identity. That’s a terrifying thought and not one that i’m going to say isn’t true.  All those things can be true.  It’s the main reason people end up on the fence. We see parenthood as a list of losses. But that’s only half the story.  What if the things you gain are so immense, so foundational, that you can’t even measure them? The truth is, having children is probably the biggest and greatest decision you’ll probably make in your life.

Let’s start with the “before,” because I think it’s where most people reading this are.

The world constantly reminds us of the reasons to say no to having kids. We hear about the financial strain, the environmental impact, and the sheer, bone-deep exhaustion.

For women they may look at their careers and wonder how we could possibly step away, even for a little while. We’re afraid of losing the identity we’ve worked so hard to build. We see the curated perfection on social media and feel the insane pressure to be a “perfect parent,” which feels like an impossible standard.

On top of all that, there’s a deeper, more existential fear. Are we ready? Is this a world we should bring a child into? These questions are heavy, and they are valid.

It’s easy to look at the sleepless nights and the massive responsibilities and just say, “No, thank you. My life is good as it is.” It’s okay to feel that your life is full without having kids. It’s okay to be scared of the change children bring. Both are valid.

The barriers to having kids.

So lets look at two of the biggest issues.  Cost and Change.

Cost: Children can (do) cost a lot of money.

No getting away from it children are expensive.  They are a drain on finances but is cost a valid reason not to have kids.  No one wants to see children brought into poverty but what is poverty?  Not going on foreign holidays isn’t poverty.  Taking hand me downs isn’t poverty.  Scrimping and saving isn’t necessarily poverty.  Sure there are sacrifices but children from low incomes homes are no less loved, no less cared for, by parents who love and cherish their children whatever.

I admire families that have to watch the pennies, who don’t have luxuries but have the greatest luxury of all, each other.

My father talked about a ‘rich mans paradise’, having everything material, big house, nice car, suntan but really owning nothing valuable as really none of those luxuries matter.

I’ll give you a moment to think about that…..

Families can make do without a lot and sacrifices will have to be made but whether or not you can afford children is a decision. Be honest if you still want nice holidays and cars and can’t afford children as well, DON’t feel guilty about this.  I certainly don’t blame you.  You have decided life is for you and living and i’m sure there are many parents who look at you enviously sometimes.

Do you sums with and without children. If you are willing to make sacrifices then you need to decide if the sacrifices in having children are worth making. Can you go without and make do, whatever make do looks like for you.

It maybe tough financially. Money maybe tighter but life’s not perfect and money’s not everything.  It maybe baked beans on toast for several years but if your willing there’s a way.

This may sound flippant as MONEY is a huge concern for many people but look back over generations money has been tight. Think of your own childhood, did you have lots of money, presents piled high. Go back another generation and it was fruit and one toy for presents. The point is yes money is a big thing and yes children cost money in lots of ways BUT money doesn’t make a child happy, the love, attention, play and presence of their parents and family does.

This is a decision you CAN make.

Change: The Change in life.

This ones quite simple.  Its huge but its not all sleepless nights and nappy changes, although that is a lot of it.  Its equally looking at your child with emotion you didn’t think you had.  Love so real it hurts to your bones to think of losing it.  The change is life changing but in such a good way.

The fear of change is often worse than change itself.  We adapt and get on with it.  The freedoms you had before will not be there but parenting life isn’t a ball and chains, there are still moments of freedom and time to be yourself.  Just far less of them  🙂.

Is anyone anyone ever ready?

This is a key point for anyone on the fence: you’ll probably never feel 100% “ready.” There’s never a perfect time. You’ll never feel like you have quite enough money, your house will never feel big enough, and you’ll never feel wise enough. The decision to have a child isn’t about checking off a list of requirements. It’s about being ready to grow. It’s about being open to the idea that your life could be about more than just you.

No one can tell you when and if your ready for this. You’ll know when your ready but don’t let it be because of a list of things you need to tick.  Sure be practical, be realistic but don’t become so fearful of the list of reasons you shouldn’t have children, you become blinkered to anything else.

The unexpected. A new sense of purpose, parenting and legacy.

Parents often say they have a new, profound sense of purpose. Life is no longer abstract and lacking direction. Purpose is tangible, real and laying in their arms, needing them for literally everything.

You see your own parents in a new light, with a whole new appreciation for what they did. It can strengthen your bond with your partner as you navigate this huge challenge together, and research has shown that fathers, in particular, often report more meaning in their lives when they have a good relationship with their child. <BR><BR>And interestingly, some studies suggest that the increased social support and healthier behaviors tied to raising kids might even lead to parents living longer lives.<

Finally, there’s the idea of legacy. This isn’t about creating a mini-me. It’s about passing on your values, your stories, and your love. It’s about knowing that a part of you, in the most beautiful sense, carries on. It’s a connection to the future that is both humbling and awe-inspiring. You are a link in a chain, and your job is to make that chain as strong and as loving as you can.

What to Consider – The Real Questions

So, if you’re still on the fence, what should you really be asking yourself? The question isn’t, “Am I ready to give things up?” The real question is, “Am I open to a different kind of fulfillment?”

Forget the checklists. The real questions are deeper. Are you willing to have your definition of happiness completely taken apart and then rebuilt into something bigger and more resilient? Are you open to discovering a love that isn’t transactional, but sacrificial—and in turn, more rewarding than any love you’ve known?

Are you ready to grow in ways you can’t even imagine, to be pushed to your limits and find out you’re stronger than you ever thought?

Parenthood isn’t the only path to a meaningful life, and it’s a deeply personal choice that should never be made because of pressure. But it is a uniquely trans-formative one. The fear of losing your identity is real, but what I’ve found is that you don’t lose yourself. You find a deeper, more essential version of yourself that was there all along, just waiting to be needed.

My personal experience

Do it.  You’ll manage somehow.  You’ll find a way.  Sure there are sacrifices, sometimes huge sacrifices but the rewards are FAR bigger for me.  The sense of belonging and doing (being part of) something amazing are real. The love and connection is real, even if you can barely see it when they become teenagers.

Save children.  Its not one size fits all but if you listen to fears you’d never do anything.  Sometimes in life you just have to jump but remember you choose to jump but NEVER blame your children for your decisions.

Go into being a parent with your eyes open.  Know the sacrifices and reasons why you want children. Spend time thinking, not being scared and if after all the deliberation you can see a world with children. Make do.  As children will enrich your life in so many ways.

So we’ve got to the end. The purpose of this blog was to present the other side of the coin. That there are so many reasons not to have children but let me leave you with a different perspective. Start at the one question that matters. Ask yourself do you want children? Ignore everything else, every reason why you can’t, every fear and worry.

One Simple Question : DO you want Children?

This answers drives the rest of your questions. If you want them find a way. Make things works. Sacrifice and make do if you need to. Then you will be a parent.

 

I hope this blog has been useful. As I say my intention isn’t to convince you, its to think of the other side and what life would be like having kids. How poor you could be in one sense but how rich your would be in another.  I hope this makes sense.

This blog was written by an adoptive parent in the UK who understands making sacrifices for children. Why after all that they have sacrificed they wouldn’t change it or their children for anything because there is such thing as a poor mans paradise and its so much better than the rich mans paradise.

If Your Thinking of Having Children But Are Unsure?

Try talking to parents and get their understanding, experience and knowledge.  CosyChats is a Parent Support Service that offers personalised support for parents.   While we expect most parents aren’t going to say they would change their lives they will be able to provide you with and honest and independent idea of what life with children is like.  The sacrifices and joy children bring.

We parents ourselves and when we were childless we thought we largely understood parenting and what its like to be a parent.  How wrong we were on so many levels.  We understand so much now and would gladly share our experience and knowledge.

You can find parents of new children here and parents of teenagers here

 

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues.

For parents of Teenagers click here.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions

🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame
👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small
👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding
🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be
🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience
💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control
Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.
👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

 

Are Your Kids READY For Their First Phone?

Is your child really ready for their first phone?

Adoption, Healthy, Kids, Teenagers, Your Wellbeing, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

What are the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids. Parents need to understand this question and answer before they can decide what age their child needs to be have a mobile phone.

This isn’t easy and as parents we’ve personally struggled with understanding the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids. (I think were more likely to know the benefits of smartphones as its drummed into us by phones companies and operators.)

So, what’s the right age to give your kid a mobile phone?

It’s the question that haunts modern parenting, that endless negotiation between your child’s begging and your own gut-wrenching worry. And while you’re probably thinking about stranger danger or screen time, the real story the data tells is much scarier. Researchers have found a shocking spike in teen depression and anxiety that lines up almost perfectly with when smartphones took over the world. One analysis in Ontario, for instance, found that the number of teens reporting serious mental distress jumped from 24% to 39% in just four years, right as smartphones became common. That’s not a coincidence; it’s a warning shot we can’t afford to ignore. So the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids exist. Your fears are real.

So how do we even begin to tackle this? A phone can be a lifeline, a way to know your child is safe. But it’s also a portal to a world that can be incredibly harmful. Today, we’re cutting through the noise. We’re going to break down the safety benefits versus the very real developmental risks to help you make a choice that feels right for your family.

The Problem – A Parent’s Modern Dilemma

Let’s face it, the pressure to give your child a phone is coming from every direction. Your kid swears that *literally everyone* has one, and that fear of them being left out is real. Phones are the new town square; it’s how they connect with friends. And then there’s the safety argument, which is a powerful one.

In a world without payphones, knowing your child can call you in an emergency brings incredible peace of mind. You can check their location, get that “I’m here!” text, and coordinate pickups without a series of ridiculous “if you leave by 6:15, and I leave by 6:25…” plans. Plus, these things are amazing learning tools, with instant access to information that can help with school.

But we all feel that knot in our stomach, and it’s there for a reason. We’ve handed our kids devices that are literally designed to be addictive. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt calls them “dopamine delivery mechanisms” engineered to keep us scrolling for one more hit. And we see the results, don’t we?

Family dinners sliced apart by notifications, homework losing the battle for focus, and that constant, nagging distraction. We are stuck. We want to keep them safe out there, but to do it, we expose them to a digital world full of its own dangers, from cyberbullying to content they can never unsee. The problem is, both choices—giving them a phone or not—feel like a gamble. This isn’t a simple yes or no. It’s about understanding what you’re really signing up for. Its about understanding the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids.

Agitating the Stakes – The Risks vs. The Realities

To make the right call, we have to get honest about what’s at stake. And these risks aren’t just hypotheticals—they are documented and they are serious.

First, mental health. The connection between heavy smartphone use and poor mental health in teens is now undeniable. Research shows that teens who spend five or more hours a day on their devices are more likely to have a risk factor for suicide. Older who are heavy social media users are more likely to say they’re unhappy compared to their peers who spend less time online.

This is more than just feeling down. We’re seeing a measurable increase in major depression, self-harm, and anxiety, especially in girls. It’s a double-edged sword: the phone itself rewires their brain for distraction, while social media creates a relentless, exhausting performance of social comparison and judgment.

This is something personally we have experienced with our children’s mobile phone use.  They believe it makes them happy but ultimately also unhappy. Its a strange paradox.

Then there’s the physical damage. All that screen time is a thief of sleep. The blue light from their phones actively suppresses melatonin, the hormone that signals it’s time to rest. Teens on screens for three or more hours a day are nearly 30% more likely to get less than seven hours of sleep. And that doesn’t just make them cranky; it torpedoes their mood, their ability to learn, and their overall health.

Please note the dangers of a mobile phone and social media for kids, isn’t just for kids, adults are affected in the same way. Ever woken up in the night looked at your mobile phone and then found it difficult to get back t sleep. That’s the ‘wake up’ blue light.

And of course, there are the classic dangers of an unfiltered internet: exposure to violence or pornography, the very real threat of online predators, and cyberbullying that follows them home, into their bedroom, with no escape. We also can’t ignore privacy. Kids don’t instinctively understand that their personal data is valuable, and they can be easily manipulated into sharing things that put your whole family at risk. Again dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids isn’t just kids it can impact your whole family.

But… we have to be fair. There’s the other fear, right? The fear of what happens if they *don’t* have a phone. Will they be left out? Will they be able to get help if they’re in trouble? This is the core of it all: you feel damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. This conflict can be paralyzing, but it doesn’t have to be. The answer isn’t to just give in or to ban them forever. The answer is to have a plan.

A 5-Step Guide to Mobile Phone Readiness

So what’s a parent to do? The solution isn’t a magic number, because maturity doesn’t show up on a birthday. It’s all about readiness. Here’s a practical, five-step plan to help you decide and to prepare your whole family for this huge step.

Assess Readiness, Not Age.

Forget the age. Ask better questions. Is my child responsible? Does she handle her homework and chores without you having to nag her into oblivion? Does he show empathy for others? Can they be trusted with something valuable? Here’s a great test: how do they handle losing things? If they can’t keep track of a winter coat, they are not ready for a thousand-dollar piece of tech. And this is a moment for you to look in the mirror, too. Are *you* ready to put in the time to monitor their usage and have some tough conversations?

Have “The Talk” – And Put It In Writing.

Before that phone even comes out of the box, you need to set the ground rules. This isn’t a lecture. It’s a conversation that ends with a signed family contract. This contract should cover:

**Boundaries:** Be crystal clear about when and where the mobile phone is off-limits. No phones at the dinner table. No phones in the bedroom overnight. All phones get put away an hour before bed. Period.

**Privacy:** Talk about what’s okay to share online and what isn’t. No full name, no school, no home address.

**Safety:** Get real about online predators and the non-negotiable rule of never meeting up with someone they only know online. And talk about cyberbullying: what it is, that you expect them never to do it, and that they must come to you the second it happens to them.

**Parental Access:** Make it clear that you will have the passwords and the right to check their mobile phone. This isn’t spying; it’s parenting. It’s safety.

The dangers of a mobile phone and social media for kids outweigh their personal privacy in our experience.

Step 3: Choose Your Tools Wisely.

You don’t have to do this alone; there’s tech built to help you. For younger kids, think about a “starter” phone. Companies like Gabb and Pinwheel make devices that look cool but have no internet browser or social media. They can call and text approved people, you can track their location, and they might have some safe, curated apps. It’s all the safety with none of the major risks.

Once you graduate to a smartphone, parental controls are not optional. Apple’s Screen Time and Google’s Family Link are free, powerful tools. You can set time limits on apps, filter content, and approve any new app downloads.

For extra peace of mind, services like Bark can scan their texts and social media for red flags like bullying or depression and alert you. Tools like these can give you peace of mind that barriers are in place to protect from the dangers of mobile phones and social media for kids but nothing is fool proof. YOU must keep vigilant.

Establish Clear, Enforceable Consequences.

Rules without consequences are just suggestions. Your contract needs to spell out exactly what happens when a rule is broken, and it should make sense. If they ignore the screen time limits, they lose phone privileges for a day. If you catch them on it after bedtime, maybe they lose it for the whole week.

The point isn’t to punish them; it’s to teach them that a phone is a privilege that is earned and can be lost.

Step 5: Model the Behavior You Want to See.

This is the hardest part, guaranteed. Our kids absorb what we *do* far more than what we *say*. If you’re telling them to get off their mobile phone at dinner while you’re scrolling through work emails, you’ve already lost. Set mobile phone-free times and zones for the whole family. Be present. Show them, with your actions, that real life is way more interesting than anything happening on a screen.

As Jonathan Haidt says, you can’t just take away their screens; you have to give them a real-world childhood in its place.

Conclusion

There is no perfect answer or magic age for this. The decision to give your child a mobile phone is personal, but it doesn’t have to be a blind leap into the abyss. By focusing on their readiness, setting firm boundaries, using the tools you have, and—most importantly—modeling the behavior you want to see, you can give your child the safety of a phone while protecting them from its biggest risks.

Remember, the best parental control mobile phone app on the market is you. It’s your open, trusting relationship with your child. It’s the ongoing conversation. You are their guide to the digital world, just like you are for the real one.

A recent Gallup poll showed that a strong relationship with parents can dramatically lower mental health risks, even for kids with high screen time. You are the most important part of this equation. You aren’t powerless. You are the parent. You’ve got this.

This Blog was written by an adoptive parent of three children who all have a mobile phone. They where allowed a mobile phone at different ages (which was difficult) but necessary. Children develop differently and their abilities and responsibility differs and must be noted. Age is a number no a certainty of responsibility.

Phones are an integral part of our children’s and (admittedly) our lives. Understanding the damaging affects of phones has allowed us to educate our children as to the dangers and benefits of phone use and we hope empower them to use the responsibly.

The Real and On-Line World are difficult to navigate but there is help available.

CosyChats is a personalised parent support Service that can provide support to parents across a wide range of parenting issues including deciding when is right to give your child a phone, boundaries you put in place and how you monitor phone and technology use.

🛟1-2-1 Personalised Parent Support

Sessions
🧷 Safe Spaces Free From Judgement and Shame

👍🏼Where No Problem Is Too Big and No Question To Small

👩‍👦Offering Compassion and Understanding

🆘From Real Parents Who Know How Difficult Being a Parent Can Be

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Real Lived Knowledge & Experience

💻Virtual Sessions Where You Are In Control

Top 10 Benefits of the CosyChats service.


👍🏼Access to a wealth of Parenting Experience and Knowledge.

👍🏼Your own personalised 1-2-1 service.

👍🏼A safe space free from judgement and shame.

👍🏼You are in control and choose the CosyChats parent and service that’s right for you.

👍🏼Years of lessons learnt and experience gained that can all be shared.

👍🏼Being understood and your needs heard.

👍🏼No question is too small, no problem too big.

👍🏼Compassion and support from people who understand how difficult being a parent can be.

👍🏼Its affordable and is far greater value than professional providers.

👍🏼Meetings are on online so you can join from where you feel most comfortable.

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